Make Your Life Seem Awesome on Facebook

Although Facebook allows old friends and colleagues to reconnect and stay in touch, it can often become a platform for bragging and self-promotion about just how far you've come since you last hobnobbed with the old crowd. And while this social media vehicle runs parallel to the usual human nature tendencies—you are happy for your friends when nice things happen to them—you still want to appear is if you're doing better than it's ever seemed before, if not outdoing your contacts from times past.

So, even if you're 42 years old, have grown a butt that has its own zip code and you're living under the ironing board in your parent’s basement, you too can have a better Facebook life––you just have to know how to play the game.

Steps

  1. Give your photos plastic surgery. Photoshop is your friend on Facebook. The fastest and cheapest way to look better than everyone else is to Photoshop Taylor Lautner’s abs onto your photo, for example. Some do’s and don’ts for a realistic Photoshop photo:
    • Don’t mess with facial features. You don’t want to end up looking like a Photoshop version of Mickey Rourke or Kenny Rogers. If you aren’t rocking the face, you can still achieve supremacy using the “butter face” theory by focusing on body parts instead (everything’s attractive “but his or her face”). However, you can use Photoshop to erase some fine lines and acne. Another idea is to swap out hairstyles, especially if you no longer have any. Avoid having your updated do look like a wig––ask for opinions before posting any photo.
    • Select a body part that you can easily update. Breasts, stomachs, arms and legs provide good Photoshop opportunities. Rule of thumb––don’t go to extremes. For example, if you're a woman who has a chest that is flat as a pancake, don’t seek out Jessica Simpson’s chest to replace yours––it’ll only look fake. Unless big, fake stripper boobs are the goal, try someone closer to your size, but better, sharper, more refined.
    • Don’t go Heidi Montag on your photos because they'll only start resembling a Picasso painting. Subtle, natural changes are the only way to deliver a believable photo.
    • Add some friends to your photos. To avoid looking like the lonely loser, add friends doing fun things in your photos. You can either cut and paste your actual posse (but only choose the good looking ones) to pose along with single photos.
    • Generate exotic locations. You want to make Facebook friends believe you live a thrilling and exciting life (even if you haven’t left Mashpee, MA in over a year) so you’ll need to find photos of glamorous locations to use a backdrop. In fact you can create an entire album like, “Bali” or “South Beach.”
    • Sprinkle in a few “D” list celebrities. Although “A” listers would be the ultimate goal, you want to remain believable and make “friends” think that you really hang out with these people. Find age-appropriate D-list celebrities to give the appearance you are perhaps pals with these people. Young adults could get away with you posing with “celebrities” like Snooki, whereas middle-aged folks could try one of the “Real Housewives” (or even Andy Cohen) on for size.
  2. Be mysterious with your photo descriptions. When describing the photos of you and your D list bud, refer to them by first name such as “Kimberly” instead of “Snookie.” Also, if you create an album about your trip to Greece or any other thrilling destination, refer to it as your home away from home instead of “My Trip to Greece.” With such a casual reference, your friends will just assume that you visit this thrilling location often.
  3. Make up Facebook friends if necessary. Let’s be honest, if you're even thinking of ways to improve your Facebook life, you may need some imaginary friends. Since Facebook isn't supposed to be about making up fake accounts (indeed, fake accounts are a breach of terms and conditions, so if you get found out, the fake account can be deleted), creating a clique or entourage will require you to open separate email accounts, and use realistic names so that Facebook doesn't get suspicious. Tips to consider when making up fake friend profiles:
    • Limit the number of profiles you create. If you really want to maintain this ruse you’ll need to update their status as well. Too many profiles could be not only confusing but too time consuming.
    • Make sure everyone is interesting and attractive. Use stock photos for profile pictures but nothing too obvious such as cutting a pasting Victoria Secret runway model photos. (Also, see "Warnings" below for avoiding accusations of impersonating a real life person.) Give everyone cool jobs such as entrepreneur, Hollywood dog groomer or aerospace engineer. Also, vary the relationship status to add to the realism... not everyone can be single and hot.
    • Give friends different locations. If your hometown friends start asking why you aren’t partying with fake friend “Mike” (because he’s awesome on Facebook) the jig may be up. Even more awkward if you claim on Facebook you're out partying with this cool friend without your real life friends. Make sure the pretend friends live out of town, but are accessible.
    • Make the “friends” section for your imaginary friends invisible to others. Since you can’t create 1,000 friends for your fake friends, it’s better to make this area locked and mysterious to others. This will give the impression that these people are very exclusive and have a highly exclusive friend list.
    • Remember that these are “imaginary” friends. If you start opting to hang out with pretend Facebook friends over real friends (because let’s be honest, fake friends may possibly be way cooler) the time has come to consult with a professional therapist.
  4. Keep your “info” section short and sweet. Provide little to no details about your life other than an obscure description of your job. If you have to make up a job, do so with a very vague title like Chief Shepherd of Ideas or leave that area blank. Also, avoid divulging your political or religious preferences because that can take you into dangerous territory, which is sure to dampen the fun. If you're going to include multimedia “likes” make sure it is something critically acclaimed instead of saying you're a huge fan of “The Family Guy” or “Jersey Shore.” When it comes to relationship status, writing down that “it’s complicated” will provide mystery and intrigue. Don’t forget to post your birthday (year you were born is optional)––that way you’ll get lots of shout-outs on your big day.
  5. Do not update your status more than once a day. You want to give the illusion that you are too busy and cool for Facebook, having only just enough time spare to throw your peeps a bone with your update. Also:
    • Use your mobile phone for any status updates to give the appearance that you are on the go.
    • Update your status late in the day so that people will think you're out on the town whooping it up.
    • Have your fake friends comment on your status saying things like, “See you in an hour” or “You are boss!”
  6. Write funny and smart status updates. Never write about what you're eating, reading, watching on TV or your health, and especially the weather––boring! People want to know how rad you really are and what exciting conquest you're on. Pull quotes from famous authors and poets to weave into your post such as, “Be obscure, clearly in work and play,” then add your friend’s name and the awesome location such as a concert or nightclub.
  7. Here's a method that doesn't even take faking it. Set a goal that's popular and interesting, then write about your daily progress. Keep it positive, keep up whatever it is and post small daily successes. If you succeed at something, anything from working out to DIY projects to learning to draw or speak a foreign language, gradually in very small successes, this becomes an irresistible draw. Especially if you reply to the comments by cheering on everyone else who's trying to work out, build a deck, learn to draw, save up for a trip to London or speak Spanish well.
    • Add pictures and describe your self-rewards at turning points, like the first decent Spanish paragraph, gaining an inch on your bicep or losing one on your waist, drawing a recognizable dog, getting the lumber for the deck at a good price. Build up to these posts with successive small post - it doesn't matter how tiny the baby steps are as long as they are always optimistic and you did them. The glass doesn't even have to be half full, if it's got a teaspoon more in it, that counts as optimism.
    • If you describe your troubles, follow them up with how you conquered them. This can turn any sick day, wound, pity party into the irresistible upward climb of the underdog.
    • If you don't want to lie about the exotic locations, you can build up to it by posting the baby steps a five or ten at a time, every time you skip a donut to put the dollar in the London fund more and more people will get interested in your goal. Other people's pictures, stock photos and asking for suggestions of where to go once you're there will attract people who've been and people who live there.
    • Every single day, list something positive toward achieving that specific cool goal you picked. Don't give up on it and pick yourself up after setbacks. If you had to tap the London fund to make your car payment, calculate how long the trip will be delayed rather than giving it up, set the new date and keep going. This is real grit and attracts genuine admiration, which has a more solid effect on your self esteem than tricking people into applauding fake success.
    • Make sure that goal is something you actually want to do, because if you keep this up long enough it will probably become real. At that point, you do need to make sure to get a lot of photos and definitely update your enjoying it. Then set a new goal once it's achieved, like going to India next or taking up a sport or redoing the kitchen, just something else that you want to do that will take a lot of time and effort to get it done.
  8. Comment on only a few status updates by friends. Since you're way too busy to comment on everyone’s status, select one or two friends (real or fake) and provide short and witty comments such as, “I concur!” or “Congratulations!” Meet these out over time to give people a total thrill when you do bother to drop them a line.
  9. Never appear as “available” to chat online. Add more mystery to your Facebook life by opting out of the chat component. If you get busted online, you could become engaged in a question and answer session with someone who could expose your “real” life.
  10. Last but not least, live this life you're creating. Marlon Brando's character in On the Waterfront claimed that "I could have been a contender. I could have had class and been somebody." If you plan on replacing your dream to "be somebody" with a fake Facebook life, be prepared for the bubble of unreality to pop someday. Why not use Facebook as the spur to living a life you really want to be living rather than faking it out all the time? If you're telling people you're out partying, abseiling, building Taj Mahals, then get out there and give these things you dream of a go! You might just surprise yourself.

Tips

  • Never “re-post” viral quotes or ones that say, “99% of people won’t re-post this.” It’s unoriginal and boring.
  • If your real life has any element that's interesting, popular or glamorous even to a select niche of people, then play that up over any of the fiction. Any cat lover with a photogenic feline can emphasize this and get large numbers of real friends with photos and good captions - especially when some of your captions would work as lolcats.
  • If you're going to write something about your kids, be brief. No one wants to read a three-page update about Johnny's science project on turtles... your friends may rally to have the "dislike" button instated if you do that. It's best to pretend the kids are at boarding school if you have them.
  • Change your profile picture every three or four months. Be sure you always use a photo where you look extremely hot or are doing something exciting like windsurfing, spelunking or abseiling.

Warnings

  • Don’t update your status if you're sick or depressed––there’s nothing worse than the whining post. Plus, people will start thinking you aren’t as cool as you appear on Facebook. Cool people don't get sick, at least not publicly.
  • Remember that if Facebook finds out you made a fake Facebook, they will not only delete the fake account but your real account also.
  • Be very careful when using photos of others to pretend they're your friends. Not only might you be caught out if someone puts two and two together on a stock photo but if you use photos of friends or people you know, you risk being accused of trying to impersonate them. Consider using the cartoon imaging services on the photos or Photoshop the life out of them so they don't resemble a real life person.
  • Avoid getting involved in political or topical arguments on Facebook––comments about politics, race or religion are bound to irritate others immensely.

Things You'll Need

  • Facebook account (at least one)
  • Facebook friends (real and imagined)
  • Photos, probably stock photos are best

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