Pretend to Clean the House

Your significant other has finally wised up to your messy ways and now you’ve been charged with either fully cleaning or at least helping to clean the house. Instead of fighting it, you decide to give in but now you are supposed to clean toilets, sweep floors and do laundry––no way. While eventually your slacking will catch up with you, there are ways to make your significant other think you are cleaning the house while you really are not.

Steps

  1. Gather all the cleaning supplies. Look industrious by stocking up on supplies like furniture polish, glass cleaner, toilet bowl cleaner and lots and lots of rags. If you look serious, your partner may leave you alone for a while, thinking that you’ve gotten the message and are going to get to work.
    • Find a bucket to carry your supplies. Don't forget to include brushes, rubber gloves and rags along with your cleaning fluids. If you keep a variety of cleaning supplies nearby it will be easy for you to spring into action with the appropriate cleaner while you're playing Xbox or watching the game. In fact, traipse a glove here, a scrubbing brush there and a bottle of cleaner right over there so that it looks like something is happening if your partner walks in suddenly.
    • Wear your “cleaning day” clothing. Find your raggiest outfit and old sneakers to get down and dirty. Or don an apron. Again, serious clothes send a serious message that you're ready to get the job done.
    • Locate the vacuum cleaner, and any other cleaning supplies, such as the floor polisher or carpet steam cleaner. You may not need to use any of these machines, but simply having knowledge of where they are may score points with your lady or man. Look for the on/off switches, as some noise will be helpful in convincing your more organized half that you're pitching in.
  2. Clean the opposite area of the home from where your significant other is cleaning. Make him or her think you're cleaning by never being in the same room together. The last thing you want are any witnesses to your lack of cleaning. If you have kids, don’t allow them to be with you (you never know if they may sing). Try not to clean in the next room; aim to be at the extreme other end of the house so he or she can’t hear/smell/see you not cleaning.
  3. Act confused about how to clean something if you get busted for not cleaning. At some point your work may be checked and you could be busted for just standing in the room doing nothing (or playing Party Poker on the computer). If you aren’t fast enough to make your significant other think you're cleaning (by having cleaner and a rag in your hand the minute he or she appears in the doorway), you're going to have to play dumb. Here are some quick responses:
    • “I was just going to clean the piano but couldn’t figure out what type of cleaner to use. I read once how ivory keys can disintegrate.” Act as if you're putting thought into how to clean a certain piece of furniture but don’t want to make a mistake that could ruin the piece. A move like this could motivate your partner to “show” you how to clean it by cleaning it her/himself. Of course, there is a limit of one time per piece to this fake dumbness!
    • “I never learned how to mop the floor.” Put the blame on your parents, school or ex for not showing you what to do. Even though you were in charge of mopping the kitchen floor after dinner while growing up, he or she doesn’t need to know. However, be aware that this excuse will wear thin pretty quickly, as cleaning doesn't require a degree in physics.
    • “I really don't know where to start.” If you're in a particularly messy room, act like you're so overwhelmed with the mess you don't know where to start. Even though this method may prompt your partner to just spring into action, exercise caution with your state of confusion––you could end up with a checklist instead or even worse, your partner may produce an empty trash bag that gets filled with your stuff.
    • If you're using the “I’m too confused or don’t know how to clean” tactic, act very interested when your significant other attempts to “show” you how to clean something. Give him/her your full attention so they are convinced you'll understand for the future.
  4. Hide piles of clothes, papers and other junk underneath beds and behind furniture. Give the illusion that you cleaned by just shoving piles of dirty clothes or items underneath the bed. However, if you plan to do this, make sure you won’t be revealed for your method:
    • Make sure the bed has a skirt. A bed without a skirt will quickly reveal what you’ve done and you’ll have to drag everything out from underneath and start over.
    • Choose an armoire or piece of furniture with a solid bottom. Like with the bed skirt, select a piece of furniture that will not readily reveal your pile-o-garbage.
    • Don’t overload a hiding spot. You don't want items to come spilling out so disburse your “stuff” amongst different pieces of furniture.
    • Limit hidden items to non-perishable pieces only. Hiding food, candy or drinks underneath beds will only promote bugs, which can create a whole new level of problems for you.
    • Be aware that this option is sloppy rather than long-term and will be revealed very quickly. It's not that hard to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket or to move the basket in front of the washing machine, where hopefully "someone else" will notice it needs doing. But finding uncleaned stashes will annoy your partner intensely, so be prepared for such a consequence.
  5. Pretend that it takes you a really long time to clean––which is why nothing is very clean. If you give the illusion that you are a really slow and obsessively meticulous cleaner, eventually your significant other will become annoyed and do it him/herself.
    • Become seemingly obsessed with getting one particular item or part of the house absolutely spotless. Explain in great depth why it is so important and how much effort it needs and don't move beyond that item or area the entire time set aside for cleaning. Your partner will be caught between annoyance that nothing else got done and amazement at your dedication to that one thing!
  6. Don’t do a very good job when you clean. You know how he/she likes the house, but if you clean it to the other person’s satisfaction, guess who will be on housecleaning duty every weekend? Instead of getting the job done, only clean enough to look like you're slowly cleaning but don’t hit everything. For example, if you are in charge of the kitchen, wash out pots and pans (you can leave a little residual food behind so she/he doesn’t think you can clean out the pans properly) but “forget” to wipe down the counters or sweep the floor––even if there are bits of food and seasonings strewn across everything.
    • Shift furniture around so that it looks like you vacuumed/mopped/polished, etc. When your partner later realizes that dust, crumbs and fur balls are still present, they might simply assume that you're hopeless at this type of cleaning and just do it instead.
    • Another tactic is to use a cleaning item in a much more tortured manner than that for which it was intended. For example, tell your partner that you just don't believe the vacuum sucks properly unless you sit on the floor with it and go over every square inch manually with the hose end. You get to the sit on the floor, the job takes ages and nothing else gets done, and your partner is left wondering why on earth they asked for your contribution.
  7. Take frequent breaks. Every ten to fifteen minutes, call out that it's break time and ask your partner if they'd like you to make them a cup of tea or coffee too. Keep this up throughout the allotted cleaning time, especially if you're Do Spring Cleaning or have a large cleaning job of a few hours' duration.
    • If you like baking, start baking. Producing freshly home baked goods might get you forgiven for almost anything. Some people have no problems with cleaning up kitchen mess but balk at cleaning anywhere else in the house. If so, this may be your compromise point!
    • Make a really delicious coffee. The aroma will waft through the house, you can invite your partner to sit down to enjoy it and have a chat and oh dear, cleaning time is over and you have to go do that errand now...
  8. Don't be alarmed when "the talk" happens. That moment when you are sat down and every single thing you've done poorly will be commented on, along with the suspicion that you're not really trying. Since live-in relationships require a lot of compromise, it's probable that by the time of this conversation that you'll need to be prepared to accept responsibility for cleaning at least two or three things really well, so pick your "favorites" (hate mopping but love vacuuming perhaps?), apologize for being so slovenly with everything else but promise that these few things are now your sole responsibility and will be done regularly, beyond expectations.
    • At this point, you'll need to learn how to vaguely enjoy cleaning. See How to enjoy cleaning for some ideas on convincing yourself that cleaning is not so bad.
    • Get yourself some shiny toys in the cleaning area. Robotic mops and brooms now exist and can be entertaining, buying you some cleaning avoidance time as well as almost being in the realm of "play". And the more heavy duty the cleaning equipment, the better it'll work, so splash out on durable cleaning goodies, maybe even a turbo version.
    • Hire a cleaner. This may be the best choice you've ever made in freeing up your time and putting an end to all the excuses!
    • Finally, it has to be said––since you've come this far and expended so much energy on avoiding the cleaning, why not just do it instead!



Tips

  • Turn TV on in every room you clean so you have something to watch––pretending to clean can get a little boring.
  • Live with someone who loves to clean. You might make a nicely balanced team.
  • Give your significant other strokes for being a good cleaner. Drop comments like, “I could never get the house as clean as you––you are amazing!”
  • Keep your iPod or iPad nearby so you have music and amusement while you pretend to clean.
  • Keep a bottle of cleaner and a rag (or a broom etc.) in your hands at all time so in the event your significant other appears, you can spring into action.

Warnings

  • Stalling behavior eventually frustrates even the most patient person.
  • Don't assume it is anyone else's duty to clean, be it because of gender, age, relationship to you, people pleasing tendencies, etc. Do your bit to clean up after yourself!
  • Assuming that your partner isn't bright enough to spot your ruses can backfire badly.
  • Understand that pretending to clean the house can only be implemented once or twice before your partner catches on to your scheming ways. You need to be particularly devious to be termed a long-term hopeless case in the cleaning department, such as being a messy or very slow cleaner. Even then, your partner may call you on the ruse when finally fed up.
  • The cleaning is never done. As soon as it is, it needs doing again. However, this isn't an excuse! It's simply something to come to terms with, so that in accepting the relentless fact of cleaning always being something that needs doing, you start to find ways of cleaning that are smart, fast and focused on what really matters instead of worrying about cleaning it all. If you break it down into small chunks, it won't seem anywhere near as daunting.

Things You'll Need

  • Cleaning gear
  • Apron or old clothing
  • wikiHow open to the cleaning pages, to cover your tracks when you're busted for updating Facebook instead of cleaning...

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