Put Up with an Annoying Cousin

Having relationships with your cousins can be challenging,. talk about your problems without hurting each others feelings.

Steps

Controlling Your Reactions

[1] When your cousin is doing something that bugs you, do not instantly react to them. It does not mean that you are weak if you do stay quiet, you are actually being acting bigger because you can. Save your energy for productive conversations, not petty arguments.
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    • Often people will realize that they are being annoying later. If you don't say anything, it is more likely that they will realize that they were being annoying.
  2. Work on your non-verbal response to your cousin. Your non-verbals are the things that you do with your body, noises, or facial expression that communicate a certain message. [2] If you are communicating to your cousin that you are annoyed with him or her, it may make them react even worse.
    • Be a big person, do not mutter under your breath, roll your eyes, or make faces at other people that show that you are annoyed.
  3. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Do this instead of reacting to the annoying thing your cousin is doing. Let your feelings pass through you. While you exhale, focus on one word to stop you from reacting like "calm", "compassion" or "it's okay". [1]
  4. Focus on the big picture. If you are tempted to fight with your cousin, put the situation in context. Your cousin will probably not stop doing what you are annoyed with if you respond negatively right now. Think about why your cousin is doing this thing? If you can think about the context of what is going on in their life, perhaps it will help you have more compassion toward them.
    • Ask yourself, what good will fighting with him or her over this particular situation get us tomorrow or in a month?
  5. Take a break. Get out of the house and go on a walk or talk to a friend or relative on the phone. Put your energy on something else for a few minutes. Use your headphones to block out the noise, and listen to music that you like.
    • Be careful not to overuse your breaks or your headphones. If you stay tuned out all of the time it will damage your relationship with your cousin. [3]
  6. Redirect the situation. This can calm you down and your cousin, too. If your cousin is doing something that annoys you, ask them a question about something that they care about. Sometimes if you can find a way to engage in a positive way with your cousin, then you won't have such a bad experience with your cousin. [4]
    • Create a gentle pause in the situation or conversation. Say something like, "Hey, I have a question." Then wait a couple of beats before starting.
    • Acknowledge the thing your cousin is doing. Don't bring attention to the fact that it is annoying, instead be matter of fact about it. Say, "I see that you are playing your video games, but I was curious about what you are doing this weekend with your friends. I wanted to know who is going to grandmas and if you will bring anyone."

Considering Your Part

  1. Break your negative patterns of thought about your cousin. Your patterns of thought may be making you to believe things about your cousin that are your own ideas and not truly who they are. These thoughts can be dangerous for your relationship because they will make you more bitter and angry with your cousin.
    • Once you start to notice yourself dwelling on all of the things that your cousin does that you don't like, do something to distract yourself. Listen to music, read something, talk to someone or do something.
  2. Do not make assumptions about why your cousin does certain things. Making assumptions about someone elses reasons for doing something is dangerous. It is easy to think that you know what is going on because you are very familiar with that person. However, you may still need more information to understand a situation.
    • For example, you might think "I know he is being loud just to get on my nerves". But, there may be something else going on with them. Maybe they are being loud while they play video games because they had a bad day at school.
    • The next time you find yourself assuming tat you know why your cousin is doing something, ask them about it instead. Say "Why do you say that?"
  3. Have real conversations with your cousin. Get to know your cousin better. The more that you know about your cousin the more you will be able to be sympathetic to the things that they do. [5]
    • Ask them open ended questions. Ask them why they love the things that they do, or ask them about their relationships.
    • Listen closely and do not interrupt. Show them that you are listening by nodding along, making noises, and keeping eye contact with them
    • Ask good follow up questions. Show that you were listening and ask them more questions related to the topic they were talking about. Bring in the other information that you know about your cousin. You can say something you know about another friend, say "So does your new friendship with Maria make your best friend Anna feel left out?
  4. Share the things you love with your cousin. Little cousins especially want to be a part of what you are doing. Most of them, even if they do not look like it, are curious about your world. Let them in on it. Take them to a baseball game, go somewhere you like to eat, or go on a walk in a part of town you are familiar with.
    • Tell your cousin stories about your life. They like to hear about what is going on with you, too.
    • Laugh with your cousin. Make fun of each other or laugh at the things that happen to you. Having a sense of humor can help diffuse the situation in the future when you are getting on each others nerves.

Having a Conversation About the Problem

  1. Ask your cousin if they can talk with you. You will want to talk to your cousin about the problems you two have. This is healthy and will also help keep you on good terms. Make sure they have time, and you can talk somewhere where there are no distractions..
    • If your cousin is busy, ask them when they would be free to talk.
  2. Go somewhere quiet where you can talk uninterrupted. Get away from any of your siblings, relatives or friends. This also includes television or computers. Make sure your devices are away, and you can focus on talking.
  3. Start with the good. Tell your cousin much you both love them and like them. Give real examples of your history together or the things they have done or said that make you love them. People need to feel loved and liked before they can receive criticism.
    • The best performing teams give each other five pieces of praise for every criticism they give. [6]
    • Your cousin may not feel like you like them very much, and hearing this might open them up to listening to you.
    • If you do not usually talk in this way, you can go through this step in a way that seems more true to your personality. But you need to make sure that your cousin does believe that you do care about them.
  4. Bring up one problem you have with your cousin per conversation. Avoid talking about all of the problems you have with your cousin at once. This will end up feeling like an attack, and your conversation probably won't have as much of a positive result. Instead focus on one problem that you can work on in your relationship. [7]
  5. Acknowledge your part in the problem. When you talk to your cousin, talk about the things that you do that also create the situation. Tell your cousin that you are not blaming them for the whole problem. But tell that you do want their help to fix the problem. Accepting your part in the situation will make you seem reasonable and may motivate them to try to make the situation better. [7]
    • Give real examples of how you cause the problem too. For example, you can say "I know that I hurt you when I told you that you were not good enough for the basketball team."
    • Apologize and own what you did. For example, tell your cousin "I am sorry. I was angry, and I shouldn't have said that."
    • Tell them the things you will do differently in the future. You can say, "I am going to think about what I have to say before I blurt out when I am angry."
    • If you have lots of examples of how your cousin is the problem but have no similar examples of how you also have done things to hurt the situation, it will make your cousin less likely to believe that you are being sincere.
  6. Be careful with your language. Explain your feelings and reasons, and do not speak from a place of anger. Explain that you may not understand everything that is going on, but explain the thing you see your cousin do or say and what that makes you feel or what happens to you as a result of the thing your cousin does. [8]
    • For example, you can say "when you don't tell me the truth it makes me feel like I can't trust you."
    • Avoid sounding judgemental. You can be clear, but you do not have to sound judgemental. Don't say things like "when you always lie", instead, say "when you do not tell me the truth".

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201308/how-deal-annoying-people
  2. ↑ http://ubiquity.acm.org/article.cfm?id=2043156
  3. ↑ http://www.rd.com/slideshows/secrets-to-dealing-with-annoying-people/
  4. ↑ http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/ramblers_and_side_conversations_how_to_redirect_focus_during_meetings
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm
  6. ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Take-the-Fight-Out-of-Confrontation
  8. ↑ http://www.bloomlifedesign.com/10-tips-for-dealing-with-annoying-people/
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