Recognize Enabling Behaviors

Do you have a friend, family member, or significant other who has an addiction or engages in impulsive, self-destructive behavior? Maybe in the past, you ended up helping or protecting them, yet their behavior continued to be destructive. You may be enabling them, and need to recognize those signs of denial, justification and avoidance. Learn to set boundaries for yourself, by assessing how healthy your relationship is with this person. While you may not be able to change their ways, it is important to understand your own actions, and begin to set healthy boundaries.

Steps

Identifying Enabling Behaviors

1. Assess if you're protecting someone who engages in self-destructive or impulsive behaviors. Do you have a friend, relative, child or significant other who you know engages in addictive, impulsive, or self-destructive behavior? Most likely you feel the need to protect them, but oftentimes swooping to the rescue makes it easier for them to avoid the consequences of their behavior. Think about if you know someone who does one or more of the following:
   • Alcohol abuse or dependence
   • Addiction to cigarettes, and being unable to afford needed cigarettes
   • Substance abuse including marijuana, heroin, cocaine, meth, or other illicit drugs
   • Excessive spending, including maxing out credit cards or constantly making impulsive purchases
   • Facing large amounts of debt due to title or payday loans, or other high interest loans
   • Legal issues that threaten their livelihood such as frequent arrests, pending court cases, or facing eviction
   • Persistent unemployment, and/or inability to contribute their financial share
   • Trouble at school such as failing classes or issues with truancy
2. Look for signs of enabling. Enabling behaviors are behaviors that directly or indirectly support your loved one’s self-destructive or addictive behaviors. See if you are protecting your loved one from facing the consequences of their actions, in the following ways:
   • Denial—this could involve accepting blame for their behaviors or seeing them as in control of their behaviors. For example, you rationalize your alcoholic spouse’s behavior because he or she goes to work every day, and isn’t like those “bums on the street.”
   • Using with the addict or alcoholic—by being present, you’re able to watch them and make sure they don’t drive drunk or getting into serious trouble.
   • Justification—you rationalize the reasons why they’re using to make it seem okay.
   • Protecting the addict from responsibility—you take on the tasks that need to be done around the home and for your family. You protect the image of the addict and make everyone feel like it’s fine.
3. Look at your own reactions to their behaviors. Do you seem to repress your feelings, or do unhealthy things to cope? Maybe you get mad at them for other petty things, or start to use medication, food, or work as a way to cope? When you're feeling out of control, notice the signs that your behavior may not be helping them or yourself. Think about if you are doing any of the following:
   • Repressing your feelings or minimizing the situation—you want to avoid conflict or tell yourself that it’s not that bad.
   • Acting superior or controlling—trying to take control of your loved one’s behaviors in other ways. You may not be able to control their addictive or self-destructive behaviors but you will tell them who they can see, where they can go, and what they can do. You make them feel like you’re parenting them.
   • Avoiding or enduring—you suppress your concerns about their behaviors by coping with other things such as food, medication, work, exercise, or other ways to avoid thinking about them. You take on the idea that by being patient and just letting things go as they are, that eventually it will get better. Even though you know something is wrong.
4. Evaluate if you are enabling or empowering this person. To empower someone, you lend them a hand to accomplish goals that are healthy and responsible. To enable someone, you lend them a hand to accomplish goals that are likely irresponsible and unhealthy in the long-run.
   • While helping someone may seem justified because they are your loved ones or friends, think about what their goals really are. Are they just trying to get out of a bad situation, and are turning to anyone who will help? Or are they actively trying to better themselves?
   • Think about if your support and assistance is being appreciated and respected. Does this person give back after recognizing their mistakes? Or are they simply asking for money or help, and then you don’t see them again?
   • For example, you have a cousin who keeps asking you and your family for money. The cousin has had trouble with the law in the past, and may be doing drugs again. He says he's trying to better himself, and just needs a little money to tide him over. Your family has given money in the past, but after a few times, there's a pattern that he's not using it to better himself.

Assessing Your Relationship

1. Assess how healthy your relationship is. Is your relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation, in which both you and your loved one are striving to better themselves? Do you feel like you can openly communicate with them about concerns?
   • A healthy relationship involves mutual respect of one another, rather than co-dependency. Focus on your needs by developing healthy boundaries in which your time, money, and resources are respected.
   • Look at how open your communication is. Do you feel able to communicate about your concerns with your loved one? Do you feel heard by your loved one? Or do you feel that it will only lead to nasty arguments and abusive conversation?
   • If you are fearful of discussing your concerns with your loved one, that may be your intuition telling you that your loved one is in denial about their problems. They may not be willing to listen, or continue to make excuses for their bad behavior without accepting responsibility.
2. Evaluate your fears about the relationship. Do you feel like you have to tread lightly whenever you are with your loved one? Do you feel like you want to protect them but you also feel that they're hurting you and themselves?
   • Fear is not part of a healthy relationship. If you are worried about their actions, possibly angry or violent behaviors, this is a cause for concern. If you continue to ignore, or hope that things will just get better, it may eventually lead to an emotional, financial, or physical crisis.
   • If you are concerned about relationship abuse, or want to understand what a healthy relationship is, talk with Love is Respect online, via chat, or by phone: http://www.loveisrespect.org/ or 1.866.331.9474
3. Evaluate if the love you receive is contingent on being a caregiver. Is the love, respect, and appreciation you receive from your addicted loved one dependent whether you follow their wishes and demands? Do you feel like the only way you’re appreciated is when you’re cleaning up their messes?
   • Excessive caregiving behavior is likely to foster greater dependency on you.
   • Understand how you may be co-dependent if continue to see your love as dependent on protecting and shield them from their destructive ways. You may see no alternative except to protect and care for them.
4. Avoid assuming that the situation is your fault. Each person is responsible for their own actions. If your loved one continues to drink, use drugs, overspend, or get into trouble with the law, avoid taking on the burden of responsibility.
   • You are only responsible for your actions, and no one else’s.
   • Understand that if your addicted loved one blames you, or criticizes you, that they are doing this because they are unable to cope with what they are doing. They have a problem that they continue to deny and seek to blame others instead.
   • Learn to love yourself. Believe that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Setting Boundaries

1. Avoid cleaning up their messes. While you may feel inclined to clean up a room after it’s been destroyed by your passed-out loved one’s ways, this is enabling them. By cleaning the mess up, instead of having them do it themselves, you are shielding them from the consequences of their actions.
   • It may seem harsh to leave someone passed out on the floor next to their vomit, but if this is a common occurrence, you need to establish boundaries.
   • Avoid nagging or making accusations when the addict is in an altered state. Focus on being matter-of-fact once they realize they’ve made a mess. Focus on keeping them accountable for their actions.
2. Determine if helping someone may be hurting them in the long run. Let’s say that you have a relative who continues to ask for money. Maybe it seems after a while that your relative continues to make choices that seem irresponsible and short-sighted. Think about how their constant “crisis” may be a sign that they simply don’t know how to control their behavior.
   • For example, your relative comes to you asking for help with a loan, and that he is just going through a rough time. You decide to give money, but find that a few months later the relative is asking you and others for money again.
   • Understand that giving money to an irresponsible person who lack understanding of how to budget or control their spending will likely lead to stress in the long-run.
   • Instead of offering money, offer them help with getting work, help with budgeting their finances, or help with getting into recovery from their self-destructive ways.
3. Establish your independence. Understand that if you have your own job and life, then you will be less dependent on an addict. Don’t put yourself in a situation where your worth and happiness is only measured by your relationship with the loved one.
   • Protect yourself from financial harm by establishing ways to have money protected from their overspending or exploitation.
   • Instead of caring for an addict after they’ve gone on a bender, focus on activities that care for yourself. Spend time with relatives or friends. Do things you enjoy, and don’t feel obligated to watch over your loved one at all times. Be assertive if they come to you for help.
   • If you are being physically or emotionally abused, get a safety plan and resources in place. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk about your concerns: http://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233
4. Keep your plans, even if the person fails to participate. Do you feel the need to lie or make excuses for your loved one after they do destructive things? You may feel like you must change your plans, if they aren’t going or fail to participate. Don’t change the plans you have just for their sake. Anticipate their unreliability.
   • If you end up changing your plans in order to cater to their needs, you are continuing to enable them.
   • Learn to put your needs and your family’s needs over the addict’s. Even if that means doing things on your own or without your loved one, it shows strength to keep your plans consistent.
   • By keeping your plans, you are respecting others’ time and efforts. For example, let’s say that you and your addicted spouse planned to attend a relative’s birthday party, but the spouse no longer wants to go after a long night of drinking and drug use. Be at the party with your friends and family, rather than pretending that he’s sick.

Getting Help

1. Remember that you cannot make someone change. Understand that when your loved one is in denial, it can be very difficult to change their ways. Avoid thinking that you can solve their problems, and thus force them to see the error of their ways.
   • Allowing them to face the consequences of their actions is more likely to spur real change than when you enable them.
   • Believe that change can be possible, but it must come from the addict themselves.
   • If you think that giving them money or protecting them from social ridicule is actually helping, it is a short-sighted way of thinking. These actions keep things as they are, and little change is likely to occur.
2. Seek help for yourself. Recognize that if you are enabling someone, that you are likely facing challenges with stress, feelings of responsibility or guilt, or frustration with the situation. Avoid repressing your feelings, and find healthy ways to cope.
   • Get advice from trusted friends and family about what to do. Listen to them about how your behavior may be enabling, and what they recommend. Seek their support when you are faced with a difficult decision.
   • Seek safety if you feel that your family and livelihood are at risk due to your loved one’s destructive habits. Find shelter at a friend or relative’s home. Consider contacting the police. Discuss your options by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233
   • Find a counselor who can help you to understand your enabling behavior. They can discuss with you about concerns regarding codependency and how to stop enabling your loved one. If you are a student, contact your school counselor or the college’s counseling center. If you’re working, you can get a referral to see a counselor through your work’s Employee Assistance Program.
   • Focus on believing in yourself. Encourage yourself to have confidence and a greater sense of self-esteem. Ignore what your addicted loved one says to put you down—this is just a way to control you. Love who you are, and what you can be.
3. Encourage the person to find support. While this is not easy, and likely will take multiple attempts before they agree to help, it is important to continue encouraging your loved one towards healthy act of recovery. Avoid being their counselor. Offer them options for treatment, rather than letting them vent to you only.
   • Contact the SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) National Helpline for treatment and recovery programs in your area: http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline or 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
   • If they are in need of immediate assistance, such as for detox or active suicidal thoughts, go to the nearest emergency room, or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for options: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-8255
   • Depending on your loved one’s drug of choice, find support groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, or other 12-step programs.
   • Discuss inpatient and outpatient recovery programs, or talking with a counselor. There are many private practice therapists that can offer referrals or advice about the most important course for treatment.

Warnings

• Understand that many people who have a substance abuse issue such as alcoholism will have a co-occurring mental health condition such as depression. While treating their addiction is key, it may be necessary to also treat their depression or other untreated mental health condition.

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Sources and Citations

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