Say What You Mean Without Being Mean

It can be challenging to know how to speak up for yourself without being mean to others. It will take time and practice, but you can learn to be clear, direct, and respectful towards others when speaking. You will have to take steps to think before you speak, speak clearly, use appropriate body language, and listen well to others.

Steps

Saying What You Mean

  1. Avoid unhealthy communication styles. Everyone has different ways of communicating, but some styles make it more difficult to say what you mean, mean what you say, and avoid being mean.
    • Passive people tend to avoid speaking up and avoid confrontation. They give in easily to and have difficulty saying “no,” for fear of being mean.[1]
    • Aggressive people tend to be emotionally honest, but express this honesty in an inappropriate way. They overreact and belittle others in interactions. They are loud, accusatory, and unwilling to listen to others’ viewpoints.[1]
    • Passive-aggressive people are not clear about what they truly want, need, or feel. They are indirect, make promises and commitments they cannot keep, give people the silent treatment, and use sarcasm. They may come across as judgmental.[1]
  2. Practice speaking in front of a mirror. Think of typical situations in which you are having trouble speaking up. Imagine what you’d like to say to the other person. Take time to gather your thoughts.
    • Write down what you’d like to say.
    • Practice with a trusted friend.
    • Role-play with a trained professional, such as a counselor, who can give you honest and objective feedback.
  3. Use appropriate language. “I want…”, “I feel…”, and “I need…” are helpful ways to get across your feelings clearly and directly without blaming the other person for something. These are especially helpful when you need to convey negative feelings or have an uncomfortable conversation. You can use this formula in virtually any situation: “When you do [action], I feel [emotion], and I need [action].”[2]
    • If you want to address a problem with a coworker, try saying, “When you leave work for three-hour lunches, I feel burdened with finishing up the research on our project. I need more time with you to do this together.”
    • If you want to express a concern to a friend, try saying, “When you repeatedly cancel plans with me at the last minute, I feel sad and disappointed. I need more notice if you’re going to cancel.”
  4. Use appropriate body language. If you use appropriate body language, your message will be better received by the other person. Assertive body language comes across as more confident. Begin by looking person directly in the eye.[3]
    • Maintain direct eye contact with the other person. Do not look down, look away, or glare.
    • Stand or sit up straight.
    • Avoid putting your hands on your hips, clenching your fists, or pointing your finger at the other person.
    • Do not fidget.
    • Do not raise your voice, shout, or hesitate.[3]

Meaning What You Say

  1. Think before speaking. When you’re in a situation where you need to speak up for yourself or get your point across, take a few deep breaths before you talk. Do a quick check-in with yourself about how you feel. Consider your audience and what feedback you need to give. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish and what you’d like to happen.
    • If you focus too much on your relationship with the other person, your message may not come across as clearly and directly as you intend. You may water down what you mean with compliments instead of focusing clearly on the issues you need to address.[4]
  2. Be confident. Believe in yourself and know that your opinions have value. Your feelings are just as important as anyone else's and you have a right to express them. You have a right to speak up for yourself.[5]
    • Being confident doesn't mean you believe that your opinion is the one "right" opinion. Keep in mind that you have the right to express your thoughts, feelings and beliefs — and so does everyone else, even those who disagree with you.[1]
    • Don't look at conversations or arguments as something to "win." Strive to communicate your opinion clearly and respect the other person's right to do the same by listening. Don't try to dominate the conversation or bully the other person, even if you feel passionately about your point of view.
  3. Practice saying “no.” You have a right to say “no” when someone asks you to do something. Always saying “yes” can lead to you spreading yourself too thin, taking on more than you can really handle, and not taking care of your own needs. Saying “no” does not mean you are rejecting the person, you are simply saying you can't fulfill a request — this is not mean.[6] Ask yourself if the other person’s request is reasonable and get more information first, if you need to.
    • Be honest and be brief. It's okay to simply say, "No, I can't do that." Don't apologize or give reasons for why you’re saying “no.” Saying “yes” to something you don’t want to do will only make you feel angry or resentful.[6]
    • Keep in mind that some people will keep pestering you after you say “no.” It’s best to be firm and keep saying “no” instead of giving in.
  4. Avoid saying “no” in an aggressive way (like shouting it or snapping), which can be rude and inappropriate. Keep it polite ("Thank you for asking, but...") and speak with warmth. If you are finding it difficult to decline, you can say that: "This is really hard for me, but I have to say no."[6]
  5. Know your emotions. Your feelings may be what you need to talk about, but don't let them overwhelm you and dictate what you say and how you say it. Whoever you're talking to may feel attacked, defensive, and focus only on the emotion coming at her, rather than the message. Slow down and re-focus on what you really need in order to be able to mean what you say.[7]
    • If you are angry, and you want to express that, you don't need to rage or scream. Don't allow your anger to make you say something insulting or abusive. Try taking a few deep breaths. If you can't control yourself, remove yourself from the situation. Say something like, "I'm really angry right now. I need to take a minute. I'd like to talk to you about this later."
  6. Be firm. When speaking and giving your opinions to others, don't change your mind too much. Stick with decisions and statements you make, but be clear and sure about them beforehand. Do not let others pressure you into changing your mind for the wrong reasons, but do be open to hearing others out.[7]
    • If you know that you don't have time to bake a cake for your nephew's birthday party, but your sister keeps insisting, don't allow guilt or manipulation to sway you. You can offer a compromise by suggesting other ways you can help. Try something like, "I really can't take that on right now. If you order the cake from the bakery I wold be happy to pick it up on the way to the party, or I can come an hour early to help you set up."

Avoiding Being Mean

  1. Show empathy.[8] Help the other person see you understand their needs as well as being able to communicate your own. You should acknowledge how the other person may be feeling while firmly requesting a change.
    • If you are having trouble with a roommate, acknowledge their perspective too. You can say, “I know you’re tired when you come home from work and just want to read, and I appreciate the quiet time, but I need help cleaning up the apartment.”[9]
  2. Listen actively. Pay attention to what the other person has to say, and reflect back or summarize what they just said to you. This shows you’re taking the time to hear them and not just trying to get your own point across.
    • For example, you can say, “I hear that you’re frustrated with work and just want to take time to relax before you help me clean.”
  3. Use facts when giving feedback. Avoid judgments, insults, and personal attacks.[10]
    • For example, don't say to your roommate, "You're such a slob! You never clean up!"
  4. Avoid getting defensive. If someone is getting aggressive with you while you talk, your first thoughts might be defensive and impulsive, so it’s important to wait before speaking. Take a deep breath. Instead of getting caught in an argument, try to diffuse the situation and ease tension.[11]
    • As you're taking a breath, think about your first impulse — what you immediately want to do or say — and don't do it. Take another deep breath. Your first impulse will likely be to defend yourself when you feel attacked.[11]
    • Think of your next reaction — then take another breath without acting on that impulse. You may also feel that it is necessary to retaliate when you feel attacked. This is not a healthy response, either.[11]
    • Try to seek a solution or more information about what the person is telling you. For example, you can say, “Tell me more about how work is frustrating you.”
    • Try using “yes, and” instead of "yes, but." In this way, you are showing that you are listening to the other person, and building on it in a positive way.
    • If the conversation is getting particularly tense, try pausing, counting to ten, and then asking for a break. You can say, “I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now and I think it might be better if we take a few breaths before I say something I don’t mean.”
  5. Reduce sarcasm. The purpose of sarcasm is to deflect your discomfort or insecurity in a conversation. Sarcasm can often come across as aloof, mean, and frustrating. Try to use it less to create more intimacy and clarity in interactions.[12]
  6. Avoid gossiping. Gossiping, or talking behind others’ backs about something that annoys you about them, is mean and spiteful. If you have a problem with someone and it is worth it to you to talk about, address it with that person directly.[12]

Tips

  • Check in with yourself to make sure you're not saying what you think they want to hear.
  • Speaking up for yourself may be uncomfortable and may be a long, gradual process. Be patient with yourself and practice.
  • Consider seeking help from a trusted friend or professional counselor to help guide you in this process.

Warnings

  • If people are used to you not speaking up for yourself, they may not respond to you very kindly at first. Be patient and keep trying to communicate with them in ways that are direct, clear, and honest, while still showing understanding and respect for their needs.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 https://www.ndsu.edu/counseling/self_help/assertiveness_skills/
  2. ↑ https://cmhc.utexas.edu/assertiveness4.html
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 https://socialwork.buffalo.edu/content/dam/socialwork/home/self-care-kit/exercises/assertiveness-and-nonassertiveness.pdf
  4. ↑ http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/dec15/vol73/num04/Saying-What-You-Mean-Without-Being-Mean.aspx
  5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/assertive.html#
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%206.pdf
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.asmfmh.org/resources/publications/assertiveness-for-the-caregiver/
  8. ↑ https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/EmpathyatWork.htm
  9. ↑ http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/docs/Assertmodule%204.pdf
  10. ↑ https://revelle.ucsd.edu/res-life/life-skills/assertiveness.html
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 https://hbr.org/2013/11/dont-get-defensive-communication-tips-for-the-vigilant/
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/01/could-you-go-40-days-without-being-mean.html
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