Stop Keeping up With the Joneses

We all know “that” family... the happy, perfect family who seems to have it all. Everyone has a “Jones” family on their block and while some shrug their shoulders and don't care that the “Jones” just brought home a new Mercedes, others feel as if they need to not only keep up but to outdo this neighbor or even friend. If you feel compelled to keep up with the Joneses but want to stop pursuing a potentially limitless competitiveness, there are few steps you can take to get off the “one up” train.

Steps

  1. Think about what causes you to react to the Joneses' affluence or actions. What lies at the heart of wanting to keep up with this family? There’s usually a deeper reason as to why you want to keep up with the Joneses and it’s not just because you want a new yacht. Dig down deep inside to try to find the reason why you may feel compelled to “one up” someone else:
    • Career frustrations. If you’ve been feeling like a hamster on a wheel at work, where you work harder but don’t seem to get anywhere, you may be feeling a little stung by another’s material accolades. It can be tempting to assume that someone else is having it a lot easier than you and getting nice rewards to boot.
    • Low self worth. Feel as if you can’t make friends without impressing people or “wowing” them with money or a display of a perfect life? If you're light in the wallet, you may feel as if you can’t make friends or keep them without having impressive items and instead of realizing this as an unrealistic way to make friendships, you might be cursing your lack of funds for your lack of keeping up with others.
    • Personal life troubles. If an area of your personal life is under attack and your self esteem is at risk, it can be tempting to look for the “quick and easy” fix to feeling superior to others. The term “the one who dies with the most toys wins” is one that isn’t lost on you––you believe that material wealth definitely will buy you the kingdom, all the while resolving any personal issues that are upsetting you currently.
    • Tough childhood. Those who may have been raised to “do without” may yearn for big homes and fancy cars as an adult. Seeing another family who achieves this type of status may be something you believe should be yours so you aim to keep up. On the other hand, many children who grow up in lower income families may be more grateful and accepting of material items they work for and earn rather than feel as if they deserve them because they “missed out” during childhood.
  2. Consider which aspect you're trying to match or catch up with. Although more than often it’s all about the money, sometimes it's several aspects a Jones-type family exudes that drives people insane, including relationships and work prestige. Some examples of non-monetary spurs to competing include:
    • Perfect marriage. Every time you bump into them, they're all smiles, cuddles and full of mutual support. You worry that the grouching you and your spouse have going at the moment has something deeper to it than sleepless nights with a new baby and too many work deadlines, but this nagging only seems to appear whenever you come across this perfect couple.
    • Perfect kids. You've heard that they've got straight As, lead the sports teams and don't answer back. You're wondering if all that critical thinking and "follow your heart's desire" chats you've been teaching your kids were such a good idea after all when you see the Jones' well-behaved pack move in synchronicity.
    • Tons of money. It does seem that they have a great deal more money than you––that car, those clothes, the membership of the local club you feel you can only aspire to...
    • Impressive career. You're not quite sure what it is they do but the CEO title seems most impressive. You wonder whether it's worth struggling with biking to work every day to sit in a cubicle and mull over office papers when you could be soaring like your neighborly CEOs.
  3. Take the aspects of the Jones' life that you think you're envious of and break them down into a few reality chunks. By doing this, you will start to see that your hankering for their lifestyle contains some major flaws. Taking the examples above, let's check out the other possibilities and things you can learn about yourself:
    • Perfect marriage. It may seem like they have a sublime marriage without hiccups. Of course, what you see isn’t always what you get. Even though happy husband and wife may be kissing each other on the front porch every morning before he or she heads off to work, this doesn’t mean it’s rainbows and sunshine at home. Moreover, they may have been through rough patches and resolved them, while you're still navigating one; that's just an issue of timing, not perfection.
    • Perfect kids. Straight A’s and the captain of the football team or head cheerleader living next door can make you feel inadequate in the parenting department. Yet, achievements like these don't mean that a parent has raised the perfect child and who knows what the honors kids are doing under the cover of being "perfect". Pushing a child to “be like” someone else’s kid will only create internal turmoil and trouble, plus you don’t really know what is going on inside the other families.
    • Tons of money. In a credit-driven society, many people will give the illusion that they are loaded, when in reality they owe the shirt off their back and some. Even if the other family does make a ton of money, for argument’s sake, how are they doing it? If it’s due to years of education, tremendous hard work and determination, take notes on how to get ahead in your career and not what they recently purchased. If it involves them working all hours of the day and never spending time with those perfect kids, well, perhaps you're the one who has made the right, albeit poorer, choice.
    • Impressive career. If George Jones is a car salesman, just like you, but seems to be doing so much better, use his success as a motivator not a point of contention. Sometimes people are pushed to excel and think outside the box when they witness the success of another. However, if George is a rocket scientist, perhaps you should marvel at the fact you have a rocket scientist as a neighbor and instead appreciate his success instead of trying to compete with it. Have some good yarns with him instead of trying to score yards over him.
  4. Ponder how your obsession with keeping up is impacting your life. How obsessed are you with keeping up? In some cases, a little dose of envy can be a healthy motivator that goes a long way to light a fire under what was a dormant career or relationship in your life. However, if you're constantly keeping tabs or score, consider the fact that you have an unhealthy obsession that must come to an end.
    • Stop keeping track what they're doing. Even in the case where the Jones are your close friends, take the object of your obsession (money, relationships etc.) out of the equation to free yourself from this narrowed focus. For example, if you're obsessed with how well the Jones kids do in school, commit to keep all conversations with the family to other topics and not the kids. Or, open yourself up to learning about what it is that is inspiring these achievements, so that you can borrow their experience and tailor it to your own parenting.
  5. Reflect on your personal goals and achievements. Sometimes when you become overly focused on what someone else is doing, you forget about how far you’ve come in your own right or you take for granted the achievements you’ve made.
    • Revisit original goals, hopes and dreams––chances are, they have nothing to do with the Joneses. They may simply have become an excuse or an indicator of your internal restlessness to get yourself back on track with your own goals.
  6. Think of the worst case scenario and then work back from there. What would happen if you were able to keep up? If you are still clinging on to the notion that you need to keep up or exceed the accomplishments of another family, take a good look at what would happen if you actually did reach your goal.
    • Make a list of how you would be better off if you had that Mercedes or bought that big house. Be sure to include the cons of the result so that your list is balanced!
    • Consider every aspect of your life including your financial and personal well being. Is your life truly better or would you be strapped with an overwhelming financial burden and an unhappy family?
    • What is your trajectory if you carry on as you are now? What improvements do you want to make? Are you ready to get on with making them now?
  7. Pursue the things that you care about in abundance. Whether it's volunteering on the weekend, writing at nights, teaching your kids the periodic tables or painting a mural on your outside wall, indulge in the things that really fire up your creativity and take you into the flow state of true joy. Money and status are poor substitutes for finding your sweet spot of creativity and the more you indulge in this, the more fulfilled you will be.
  8. Share yourself around. When it comes to keeping up with another family, keep in mind that you're the only one keeping score. If you're truly interested in impressing the neighborhood, do it with your kindness or generosity. Be there for people, lend a helping hand, be a listening post and offer wanted advice when needed. Let people know they can come to you for support. Offer your wisdom to the community and the Joneses will be genuinely impressed instead of being bemused by someone mimicking their every move.

Tips

  • Tap into your interests and creativity and invest in an activity or endeavor that you’ve always wanted to try. For example, if sculpting or acting is dream you’ve shelved in the past, dust off that dream and take a class or try out for community theater––do something that will invigorate your true interests.
  • Look honestly at their choices and yours. It's not uncommon for people who keep up with the Joneses to be in a situation of mutual envy. They have more money but you're better at managing the bills and don't wind up running out of food at the end of the month. They have a fancy car but you have the latest gaming computer and a truly enviable collection of games. Because you chose to keep more pocket money for games, you chose an economy car - and every time you mention getting the latest release, Jones the Mercedes owner is grating his teeth in frustration. Often the grass is greener on both sides of the fence! Break that cycle by becoming more comfortable with your own choices.
  • Status goods can never make up for what isn't inside of you. Money, expensive "toys" and clothing, jewels and overseas trips will not fill the emptiness of a character that lacks internal happiness. Spend more time developing aspects of yourself that you feel are lacking than in trying to paper over these parts of yourself with baubles.
  • Realize that we all have different dreams and different ideas of what fulfills us. Unfortunately, sometimes we confuse what we want with what we think we want because it has been socially driven through the media, peers and other pressures. It's important to remind yourself of this regularly and ask yourself why you want something that someone else has before assuming it's a good thing for you to want too.

Warnings

  • It is quite possible that the Joneses are broke but are juggling it all between credit cards and meals of toast. Be careful what you're envious of...
  • If you're living above your means, stop now. If you're living within your means, keep it up. If you're successfully frugal enough to live comfortably below your means with a steady habit of savings, you will definitely get the last laugh. Put your credit card in the freezer if you're weak willed!
  • Every bauble, every object, every item owned needs to be dusted, maintained and housed. It will clamor for your attention and can lure you away from things you'd rather be doing, just because you paid so much for it or you feel obliged to show it off. Think carefully before filling up your life with trophies.
  • Watch out for One-Upmanship games. If you mention something positive, like your kid's pulling up a D minus into a solid B in his worst subject, Jones will congratulate you and mention his daughter got Straight A's in it and an A plus last semester. It's easy to get hooked into his view of it and think your kid's not as good. Truth is, your kid has a bigger accomplishment coming up from behind. He won't try that hard again if you rag on him about beating the girl next door who loves his worst subject and has a talent in it.
  • Keeping up with the Joneses can often lead to financial destruction. Before you go on a spending spree to keep up with someone else, take a hard look at your finances. You do not need objects to prove your self worth.
  • If they seem to have more money, look closer and discuss finances with them. They're either very good at living frugally, have a lot more money to start with or they're living on credit keeping up appearances. That last is more common among One-Upmanship players than it looks. They're the one consumed with envy of you for things you take for granted. They bought all the power tools Home Depot has to offer but you may have better skills with a smaller tool set.

Sources and Citations

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