Support a Friend After Surgery

Surgery can be traumatic for many people. If you have a friend who's just undergone a procedure, you may be concerned about what to say or do. There are many great ways to be supportive after a surgery, and if you stay empathetic and patient you can be a great asset to a recovering friend.

Steps

Visiting Your Friend in the Hospital

1. Plan your visit ahead of time. While your friend might usually love a spur of the moment visit, recovering from surgery is a different matter entirely. Not only do hospitals often have specific visiting hours, your friend might need to prepare physically and emotionally for visitors.
   • Know the hospitals visiting hours and policies. Depending on where in the hospital your friend is staying, there is different protocol for visitation. If your friend is still in the recovery room, for example, only one visitor at a time is permitted, with the nurse's permission and supervision, and there are stricter rules for personal hygiene. Call the hospital ahead of time to ask about visiting hours and any restrictions.
   • Try to reach a family member or spouse to see when would be a good time to visit. This way, you'll have a better idea of how your friend is feeling, what tests have been run, and whether they're up for visitors. Once you know, plan your visit accordingly. Call or text once more before heading out to make sure your presence is still welcome.
   • Plan to stay about 20 or 30 minutes, but use your judgment. If your friend seems tired or disengaged, you should slip out sooner. If they seem happy to see you, and are excited to talk to you, then feel free to stay longer.
2. Know post-surgery etiquette and hygiene. A lot of things can be bothersome to patients just out of surgery, so make sure you do not do anything to cause your friend discomfort during your visit.
   • Do not wear perfume, aftershave or strong smelling lotions as people are often sensitive to smells when they're sick or recovering from surgery.
   • When you enter and leave a friend's room, wash your hands with soap, water, alcohol rubs, or hand sanitizer. Check with the nurses' station before entering the room, as you could be required to use a gown, gloves and mask. People are more susceptible to germs after an operation.
   • If you have any type of illness, such as a a cold or flu, ask the hospital staff beforehand if it's safe for you to visit your friend, it usually isn't.
   • If you are a smoker, only smoke in designated areas and do not get cigarette fumes anywhere near your friend.
   • Due to the risk of bacteria and germs spreading, you could be banned from the hospital if you bring a non service dog into the hospital.
   • Do not swear as this is usually against hospital rules and can get you thrown out and/or banned if caught.
   • Avoid the patient's bed, as this can spread germs. Do not sit or put your feet on the bed.
   • Do not touch the patient's wounds or any medical equipment they are attached to.
   • Do not use the patient's toilet or bathroom, this can also spread germs and bacteria, and nurses may also report you and have you removed from the hospital.
   • Do not share any property, such as toiletries or tissues, with a patient.
3. Bring a gift. People love to receive gifts, especially if they're not feeling well. It's not about the money spent, but just knowing that a person cares. Consider bringing a small gift to your friend for them to enjoy post-surgery.
   • Many people think to bring flowers, but flowers are not ideal for a hospital stay. They take up a great deal of room, and shelf-space in a hospital room is limited. They also decay quickly, and are hard to transport home.
   • Boredom is a huge issue with hospital patients, so consider an interactive gift. Try novels, magazines, crossword puzzle, sudoku books, or a journal. If your friend has some kind of electronic media, like an iPad or tablet, try iTunes or Amazon gift certificates, so they can select and purchase entertaining media for themselves.
   • If food is allowed, bring the patient their favorite snack, as hospital food can get tiresome. However, keep in mind that even if you mean well, they might not want to eat, as surgery and medications can affect their appetite. Many patients are placed on special diets following surgery, and some patients may not be allowed to eat until normal bowel function returns, such as after a bowel resection surgery.
4. Make the hospital feel like home. A hospital can be a drab, impersonal space. If your friend is there for a prolonged recovery period, try to make their hospital room feel less alien by creating a homey environment for your friend.
   • Decorate the room. Hospital rooms are beige or white and this can grow depressing with time. Bring cheerful posters, a small decorative hanging, or colorful blankets and throw pillows. Just check with hospital staff first to make sure you're not violating any hospital policies.
   • Bring them something familiar. During a traumatic event like a surgery, familiarity can be a comfort. Make a small scrapbook of friends, family members, beloved pets, and other loved ones. Borrow your friend's iPod and create custom playlist of their favorite feel better songs or burn them a mix CD. Buy DVD's of their favorite movies and TV shows, as many hospital rooms have a television set patients can use.
   • Act natural when visiting. Your friend is probably eager to get back to a sense of normal, so share news of mutual friends and discuss what's been happening in the news or on TV. Let your friend feel like they're part of the world even if they are stuck in a hospital room.
5. Organize group visits. If possible, and after you make sure your friend is up to it, get a group of friends together to visit your friend.
   • Group visits can feel like a more natural hang out session than one-on-one communication, as people often congregate in groups. Your friend will also be happy to see how many people care and have taken the time to visit.
   • Check hospital policy to make sure there isn't a cap on the number of people permitted in a room at a time.
6. Plan for the future. Making some future plans and promises can give your friend something to look forward to after their hospital stay, and reassurance their needs won't be forgotten once they're released.
   • Set a date to go see a movie, go out to dinner, get coffee, go shopping, etc., sometime after they will be released from the hospital. Your friend will appreciate having something small to look forward to after their stay is over.
   • Offer any assistance in the transition back home, such as driving your friend back from the hospital and running errands for them during recovery.

Assisting with the Transition Back Home

1. Help out with food. Food is one of the biggest issues post-surgery as we all need to eat, and oftentimes cooking and even shopping are difficult in the wake of an operation. Be prepared to help your friend with meals during their recovery.
   • Offer to get groceries. If you're able to go grocery shopping for your friend, do so. Check in with them if you're planning a shopping trip for yourself and see if there's anything they need.
   • Bring over dishes. If your friend is uncomfortable with someone else doing their shopping, cook for them. Great options for meals are dishes that are re-heatable and keep for long periods. Aim for casseroles, soups, lasagnas, and salads.
   • Be aware of any diet restrictions your friend might have. Oftentimes, certain foods are forbidden after an operation. Ask your friend about any kinds of food the doctor has advised against before preparing them a dish. Also, if your friend had any diet restrictions before the surgery - such as being gluten-free or a vegetarian - make sure you are aware of this.
2. Offer your help with chores. Don't tell them to call you if they need anything. They will probably not want to bother you. Offer specific help, like, "I have some free time this afternoon, do you need help with anything?" Household chores are a burden after surgery and your friend will really appreciate a helping hand.
   • Do laundry, dishes, dusting, and any other cleaning. Your friend is probably laid up, so don't let them fall behind. If you have an extra hour, donate it to your friend in need.
   • If they have pets, help with that. Clean the cat's litter box, walk the dog, make sure the animals have food or water. All of this will be appreciated.
   • If needed, provide free childcare. Whether your friend is a single parent or has a spouse who's busy with work, chances are they will need help with the kids after surgery. Free childcare is much appreciated.
3. Provide entertainment. While cooking and cleaning are tangible means to help a friend in need, sometimes recovery gets boring and all a person wants is good conversation and a little entertainment. Spend a weekend night with your friend and keep them engaged in conversation and activity.
   • Share what's going on in your life, but keep it positive and upbeat. There's no need to mention that you were just laid off or had a big fight with your spouse. You're there to be a source of positive energy.
   • Watch a movie or television show your friend likes. Ask them beforehand if there's anything in particular they've been itching to watch, and pick up a DVD on the way over or rent from an online outlet.
   • Board games and cards are a great way to break the monotony. If you can get a group of people together, stop by your friends house for a round of poker or a game of Clue.
   • While alcohol is great for many social situations, it's unlikely your friend can drink with their post-surgery medication. Be polite. Do not engage in social drinking when your friend cannot.
4. Offer to go to any follow-up exams with your friend. After a surgery, there will be a number of doctor's appointments in the following weeks. Such appointments can be stressful, and having a support system is a wonderful asset for someone recovering from surgery.
   • Let your friend know you can drive them to the doctor's office. Oftentimes, medication interferes with the ability to drive and public transportation can be a hassle following surgery. Offering a mode of transportation is invaluable.
   • Entertain your friend in the waiting room. Bring playing cards, books of crossword puzzles, magazines, and books or just make casual, funny conversation while waiting for the doctor.
   • Plan something fun after the visit, even something as simple as stopping for milkshakes or having lunch. Something to look forward to can make trips to the doctor more bearable.

Knowing How to Communicate

1. Consider how close you are to this friend. The level of emotional intimacy makes a huge difference when it comes to what you should and should not say to someone after surgery. If you're close, it's easier to ask questions without hesitation and be more open expressing how you feel. If it's a more formal friendship, or just a new one, be natural and warm but do not let the seriousness of a surgery push you to say something that might make you both uncomfortable. Stick to small talk, like "How are you feeling?" and "Do you need any help with anything today?"
2. Allow your friend to feel what they are feeling. There's a good chance your friend is not feeling their best in the wake of an operation. Oftentimes, we feel people need a pep talk or positive reassurance. While this is well-intentioned, it can be frustrating to a friend who simply wants to express their thoughts. Let your friend talk, and accept their feelings with patience and empathy.
   • Avoid phrases like "I understand" or "I know how you feel." It's hard to truly understand a situation you are only experiencing secondhand. Instead, say something like "I can understand how you would feel that way. Tell me more."
   • Do not say things like "You shouldn't feel that way" or "Cheer up." Such phrases come off as judgmental if someone is feeling discouraged. Instead, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, can you tell me why?" and other words that let your friend know you're listening.
3. Try active listening. Active listening is when you make a conscious effort to hear what another person is saying and to understand the message being sent. If you're helping a friend after surgery, they are the priority and you need to make this clear. Your friend might need to vent, so try to be a patient and active listener post-surgery.
   • Pay attention. Give your friend your full attention by looking at them directly, putting aside distracting thoughts, engaging with their body language, and avoiding being distracted by the environment.
   • Show that you're listening. Nod occasionally, smile and use other facial expressions, make sure your posture is open and inviting, and encourage the speaker to continue with verbal comments like "yes" and "I see."
   • Provide feedback. Your role is to understand what is being said, so you may need to reflect on what your friend's expressing and ask questions to fully understand. Try things like, "So, what you're saying is..." and "What I'm hearing is..." Ask questions for clarification, like "What do you mean when you say..." and "Is this what you mean?"
   • Defer judgment. Do not interrupt your friend. Wait until he or she is done talking before asking questions, and do not be argumentative or question their responses.
   • Respond appropriately. Be candid, open, and honest about your responses and assert your opinions respectfully, without dismissing your friends concerns or issues.
4. Ask the right questions. While your friend might be interested in hearing about you and your life, only talk about yourself when prompted. Talking to a friend post-surgery is about them and how they are feeling, so make sure you know what questions are appropriate to ask.
   • Do not ask about their health or test results unless they bring it up. Oftentimes, people recovering from surgery grow tired of medical talk and might not want to go into specifics about their doctor visits.
   • Do ask how they're feeling. A more vague question is appropriate. This gives your friend control. He or she now has the option to open up about their medical issues or to keep things light.
   • Ask them if they need anything. People are often wary to ask favors, so make sure to offer as your friend might need assistance with day-to-day chores.
   • Ask them about family members and other loved ones. Show your friend you care by showing genuine investment in the things and people they care about.
5. Understand the nature of surgery anxiety. The key to being a supportive, loving friend is empathy. Seeking to understand any fears associated with surgery can help you empathize and be a more effective listener.
   • Control, or rather loss of control, is one of the biggest fears when it comes to surgery and its aftermath. People fear handing their well-being over to someone else, and the loss of control over one's body and movements that comes in the wake of surgery is frustrating. Understand your friend is feeling a lack of control, and remind them this is a normal feeling.
   • What's at stake when it comes to surgery is a better life. People undergo surgeries to treat prolonged illnesses or injuries, and if improvement is gradual or if the recovery period is prolonged disappointment can set in fast. Remember this when dealing with your friend, and remind them progress takes time.
   • Going to hospitals and undergoing anesthesia bring up fear of our own mortality. This is perhaps the biggest fear associated with surgery, so be aware your friend might want to discuss dark subjects when you visit them. Be emotionally prepared for this.
6. Know how to cope with surgery and hospital anxiety. Most people, even the calmest among us, experience some kind of fear and anxiety when in a hospital setting. Know ways to cope with this anxiety that you can share with your friend.
   • Self-trust is important. Anxiety is rooted in mistrust. Most often this mistrust is projected onto others, but is often a reflection of mistrust for oneself. Remind your friend to trust their body and trust that they are capable of doing whatever is required for recovery.
   • Taking action can help curb anxiety. Tell your friend to engage in activities that help with anxiety while promoting good physical well-being as well. Eat right, exercise, meditate, spend time outside, spend time with friends and family, engage in hobbies, etc.
   • Planning is also key to staying calm. If your friend is healing, tell them to focus their energy on healing and not anxiety. Help them make a post-surgery plan to get through the days they'll be laid up. Make lists of all the materials needed - such as groceries, reading materials, and toiletries. Is there any work your friend could catch up on that they're able to do after surgery?If so, help them figure out what it is and make a plan to do it.

Tips

• When they feel up to it, offer to take them for a short drive around town. Just getting out of the house for a while can lessen the feeling of isolation.
• While using email or social media to communicate your feelings is great, consider that your friend may not be well enough to check their computer of laptop. Take some time out of your day to make a phone call or pay them a visit instead of offering condolences online.
• Don't over-do the positive energy. Be supportive and caring, but remember having surgery is a traumatic experience and everyone needs to deal with it in their own way. Let your friend express how he or she feels, and listen and try to empathize.
• Offer to take your friend to any follow-up visits with their doctor. It helps to have the emotional support and any physical assistance needed during their recovery.
• Tell them that you'll be there for them. This will give them the assurance that they need while recovering.

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