Express Sympathy

It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you know go through a deep loss. You want to say something, but how can you express your sympathy without coming across as insensitive or cliche? There’s no need to worry. With condolences, your goal isn’t to “fix” the person’s problem and make them feel better–instead, your priority is to just offer support and solidarity. We’ve put together a selection of tasteful suggestions to help you express sympathy during a person’s time of need.

Things You Should Know

  • You don't need to overthink it; there's nothing wrong with saying, "I'm so sorry about what happened," or, "I love you, and you should know I'm here if you need anything."
  • So long as you’re empathetic, honest, and genuine, people will appreciate your sympathy.
  • It’s perfectly fine to not know exactly what to say and then say so; sometimes there isn’t anything to actually say in the wake of a serious loss.

Steps

“I’m so sorry to hear about what happened.”

  1. There’s nothing wrong or cliche with saying “I’m sorry.” At the end of the day, there’s nothing that you can say or do that will erase the pain and grief that someone else is going through. You can, however, remind someone that you care about and are thinking of them during a difficult time.[1] You could say:
    • “I just heard about Liz–I’m so very sorry for your loss.”
    • “I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother.”

“My deepest sympathies are with you during this time.”

  1. This is a good option if you don’t know the other person well. Even if you aren’t close, this is a helpful, compassionate way to acknowledge the depth of pain that the other person is going through.[2] Here are a few other examples:
    • “I’m so, so sorry to hear about little Jack. My deepest sympathies are with you and your partner.”
    • “Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your wife. I’m sending you much love during this difficult time.”
    • “I’m so sorry about what happened to your friend. Please accept my deepest sympathies during this sad time.”
    • “I was so sad to hear about your brother. Please accept my deepest condolences.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that they died.”

  1. The word “died” isn't taboo or off-limits when expressing sympathy. In fact, using direct language can provide a lot of comfort to a grieving individual, since you’re specifically acknowledging the sad event.[3] Here are some other things you might say:
    • “I was so sorry to hear that your uncle died. You and your family are in my thoughts.”
    • “I’m absolutely heartbroken to hear that your mother died. She meant so much to so many people.”

“Please know you are loved and cared about.”

  1. Grief can be isolating, so remind a person they’re not alone. Reminding them that they’re surrounded by love and support won’t lessen their grief, but it will definitely help lighten the load.[4] Here are some ways you can share the love:
    • “I love you so much. My heart is breaking for you right now.”
    • “Never forget how much I love and care about you.”
    • “We all love you and are here to support you.”

“Wishing you all the comfort and peace in the world.”

  1. This is a kind way to comfort someone without assuming their pain. Grief really varies from person to person, and it’s impossible to know what a grieving person is going through at any given moment.[5] Instead of guessing what they’re feeling, simply wish them lots of peace and comfort during this tumultuous time.[6] Here are some other things you might say:
    • “May you be comforted and at peace during this difficult time.”
    • “Wishing you plenty of comfort and peacefulness for now and for always.”

“I’ll really miss them.”

  1. Let the other person know that they’re not alone in their grief. Sharing your own feelings provides a lot of solace during a difficult time, and reminds the grieving individual that their loved one was cherished by many. Reflect on what that deceased individual meant to you, and how sad you are that they’ll no longer be a part of your life.[7] You could say:
    • “I’ll really miss seeing them up at the lodge this winter.”
    • “I’ll miss seeing their smiling face every Sunday morning.”
    • “I’ll miss bumping into them during my morning walk around the neighborhood.

“I’ll keep you in my thoughts.”

  1. Let them know that they won’t be forgotten during this difficult time. If the other person is religious, you can even say something like “you’re in my thoughts and prayers,” though this isn’t a hard and fast rule.[8] Here are a few other variations:
    • “I know that this is a really tough day for you. I’ll be thinking of you during this difficult time.”
    • “I’m so shocked and saddened to hear about Julia. You’ll be in my thoughts.”

“I know how much they meant to you.”

  1. Don’t treat the person’s loss like an elephant in the room. It’s more than okay to mention the deceased individual directly.[9] Saying something like “I know how much they meant to you” or “I know how much you cared about him” is extremely validating, and really helps put you in the other person’s shoes.[10]
    • “I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. I know how much they meant to you.”
    • “I’m thinking about you and sending you good vibes on this difficult day. I know how close you were with your sister.”

“I wish I knew what to say at this moment.”

  1. It’s perfectly okay to be at a loss for words. Sympathy is a really difficult thing to verbalize, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. The other person will appreciate the fact that you’re acknowledging what they’re going through.[11]
    • “I’m so sorry, Jennie. I wish I knew the right thing to say, but please know that I’m here for you.”
    • “I never know what to say in times like these, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.”

“No words can describe how heartbroken I am.”

  1. It's better to be honest than share hollow-sounding words. As expansive as the English language is, there are no words that can truly scratch the surface of a person’s grief or sorrow.[12] It’s okay to acknowledge that; in fact, the grieving individual will appreciate your honesty and the fact that you aren’t trying to make them feel better.
    • “I was devastated to hear about your pregnancy, Lauren. No words can describe how heartbroken I am.”
    • “I know how close you and your grandmother were. There are no words that can describe how heartbroken I am right now.”
    • “I was so sorry to hear about Matthew’s passing. No words can describe how heartbroken I am for you and your kids.”

“I can only imagine what you’re going through.”

  1. No one experiences grief in the exact same way. It’s never a good idea to assume what someone’s going through, even if you’ve been in a similar situation yourself. Here’s a closer look at what you should and shouldn’t say:[13]
    • What not to say: I’m so sorry to hear about your pet. I lost my dog a few years ago, so I know what you’re going through.
    • What to say: I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is such a personal experience, and I can only imagine what you’re feeling right now.

“I’m here if you need a listening ear.”

  1. Just being there is the greatest support you can offer. A grieving individual probably has a lot on their mind, and they may not know the best way to express themselves. Offering a listening ear gives them the opportunity to vent their feelings in a safe, healthy way.[14] Here’s what you could say:
    • “I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I’m always here if you want to talk.”
    • “I love you so much. I’m only a phone call or text away if you need a listening ear.”
    • “My door is always open if you ever want to vent.”

“Please know that I’m here to help. I can…”

  1. Offer some specific ways that you could help the grieving individual. Chances are, they’ve already gotten countless, vague gestures of help and support. Instead, list different ways that you’d like to help, and see how the person responds. You might say:[15]
    • “I made some extra lasagna last night. Would you like me to drop some by your place?”
    • “Feel free to sleep in tomorrow. I can drive the kids to school.”
    • “I can drop some groceries off later this week, if you’d like.”

Warnings

  • Steer clear of comments like “This is part of God’s plan” or “They’re in heaven now.” These statements can seem really insensitive, especially if the person grieving isn’t religious.[16]

References

  1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
  2. ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
  3. ↑ https://www.chatelaine.com/living/what-to-say-to-someone-grieving/
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/because-im-the-mom/201305/grief-etiquette-dont-say-anyone-grieving
  5. ↑ https://familydoctor.org/grieving-facing-illness-death-and-other-losses/
  6. ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
  7. ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
  8. ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
  9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving/
  10. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/smarter-living/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving.html
  11. ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/14/smarter-living/what-to-say-and-what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving.html
  12. ↑ https://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html
  13. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/servicesandsupport/grief-how-to-support-the-bereaved
  14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
  15. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
  16. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm


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