Take Action After Sending a Facebook Message by Mistake

Once a you send a Facebook message, there’s no way “unsend” or “recall” the message. While this news may not cure a rough case of sender’s remorse, there are steps you can take to improve the situation. Before you send another message, learn how to assess the situation, compose an effective response, and develop better messaging habits in the future.

Steps

Evaluating the Situation

  1. Define the problem (realistically). Before doing damage control, take a few minutes to look at the facts of the situation. A reactionary response could make the situation worse. Answer these questions so you know you’re getting a clear picture of the situation:
    • Is what I sent to this person going to hurt their feelings?
    • If this person reads this message with no other communication from me, will our relationship be damaged?
    • What is my biggest fear about the outcome of this situation? What’s the worst that will happen if that fear comes true?
  2. Consider the way your response could affect the problem. You feeling embarrassed is one thing, but hurting or embarrassing someone else is more. Anything you say or do now has the potential to make the situation better or worse.
    • If you accidentally sent private or personal information about someone else to the wrong person, a serious response is definitely in order.
    • If you accidentally sent an embarrassing message about yourself, it may help to send a quick “Oops, sorry!” with a touch of humor to avoid straining the relationship.
  3. Imagine how the recipient might feel about receiving the message. While you may be horrified, the person to which you accidentally sent a message may giggle and brush it off as a silly mistake. Or, what you may interpret as a silly mistake may embarrass or disgust the recipient. Keep these thoughts in mind for when you draft a response.
    • Imagine you sent a message meant for your romantic partner to your mother. She's probably feeling just as upset about reading it as you are about sending it.
    • If you asked someone on a date but sent the message to the wrong person, it’s likely that the recipient is not feeling embarrassed at all. In most cases, they’ll be flattered.
  4. Be proactive about responding. Instead of waiting for others to notice and respond to your mistake, take action before the situation gets further out of your control. Accepting responsibility for the message will show the recipient you are serious about making amends.[1]

Drafting a Response

  1. Send a quick apology if it was a harmless mistake. If you accidentally sent a random, unoffensive message to the wrong person, apologize for the inconvenience to them and move on.[2] You might feel a little embarrassed by your mistake, but it's not the worst that could happen.
    • Using humor in your response can help keep the mood light and decrease future strain on your relationship.
  2. Write a rough draft of your response. Grab a sheet of paper and a pen (or a blank document on your computer) to compose your response. This will help you avoid sending another message you’ll regret.
    • When you’re done drafting your response, consider how you’d like to deliver it. In most cases, sending it through Facebook is fine, but sometimes a phone call is more appropriate.
    • Be honest when drafting your response. Getting caught in a lie could destroy your credibility, relationships, or reputation.[1]
  3. Start by restating the problem (with no excuses). If the message was offensive, contained private information about someone else, or included inappropriate content, your response should begin with a formal apology. [3] You should not blame the sent message on anyone else, not even Facebook. By admitting what you’ve done, you show that you accept responsibility for the mistake. Some examples:
    • “I sent you a photo that was meant for someone else.”
    • “I accidentally forwarded a message that was meant for someone else.”
    • “The message I just sent you contains private information about someone else.”
  4. Express remorse by saying “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” No matter the severity of the situation, it’s important that your expression of remorse sound sincere. Here are some examples:
    • “I am so sorry that you had to see that message."
    • “I apologize for my careless error.”
    • “I am really sorry. I feel so ashamed by what I’ve done.”
  5. Make amends. This part of the message will show the recipient that you want to make the situation right.[3]
    • A good way to make amends is to say something like, “If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know.”
    • If there’s an action you could take to ease the situation for everyone involved, offer to take that action and make sure you follow through.
    • When making amends, you may feel tempted to offer something you can’t fulfill. Try to resist that temptation—sometimes feeling guilty can tempt us into giving more than what is appropriate, necessary, or even possible.
  6. Promise that this will never happen again. Now that you’ve expressed remorse, taken responsibility, and offered to make amends, you’ll need to rebuild trust. Assure this person that you will be more careful in the future.[3] Some examples:
    • “In the future, I’ll definitely pay close attention to what I send on Facebook.”
    • “I have learned that not paying attention to what I’m doing can be damaging. I’ll keep that in mind, going forward.”
  7. Get your draft ready to send. Now it’s time to re-read your message and do some final edits before sending. In addition to fixing grammar and spelling issues, look out for the following missteps:
    • Make sure you’re not blaming Facebook. Remove lines like “I don’t know why Facebook did this” or “Facebook is always messing up on me.”
    • Don’t blame other people. Remove stuff like “This wouldn’t have happened if XXX didn’t send this as a group message,” or “Next time, you shouldn’t forward me anything.”
  8. Send your message. You’ve crafted an appropriate apology, and now it’s time to send it off.

Handling the Aftermath

  1. Forgive yourself. If you sent a message to someone that makes you feel embarrassed but is not hurtful to anyone, know that the worst is over. A random message sent to the wrong person might be embarrassing, but it won’t kill you.
  2. Take care of your physical needs. Embarrassment and anxiety manifest in many physical ways. You may feel lightheaded, weak, have a stomach cramp, or a headache.[4] Take deep breaths, do a little stretching, and make sure you stay hydrated. As time passes, these symptoms will fade, along with your embarrassment.
  3. Leave a group conversation or thread. If the issue is the result of a group message gone awry, staying a member of the group may only make the situation worse. If a conversation gets heated or inappropriate, it's best to leave it before sending a message you might later regret.[5]
    • Click the Messages icon at the top right of any Facebook page, (or launch Messenger if you’re using a mobile device.)
    • Open the group conversation you want to leave.
    • Click the wheel icon (desktop) or the arrow icon (Messenger) at the top right corner of the message.
    • Select “Leave Conversation” (on all platform).
    • A notification will be sent to the others that you have left the conversation, and you won't receive any further messages.
  4. Archive messages you don’t want to see. Having to look at something hurtful over and over again isn’t good for anyone. If you wince in pain every time you see the harmful message in your inbox, you can archive the message. This won’t delete it, but it’ll file it away so it’s no longer in your face. You’ll be able to find it at any time by searching for the recipient’s name.[6]
    • Open your inbox by clicking the Messages icon at the top right of any Facebook page, or launch Messenger on your mobile device.
    • If you’re using the desktop version of Facebook, click the X next to the conversation you want to archive.
    • In Facebook Messenger for mobile devices, swipe left on the message and select “Archive.”
  5. Validate the recipient’s feelings. If the person to whom you wrongfully sent a message responds expressing sadness, embarrassment, or anger, respond with a brief message that makes them feel seen, heard, and understood. Some examples:
    • If the person responding says that they are very angry, say, “I hear that you are angry, and I definitely understand why.”
    • If a person says they are embarrassed, say, “I can understand why you would feel embarrassed. I would also feel embarrassed if someone did to me what I did to you.”
    • If they say they are devastated, say, “I understand and accept that my actions have been upsetting to you. That’s totally valid.”
  6. Know your limits. Receiving an angry response from someone you upset won’t feel good, but it’s a part of their process. However, abusive language and threats of violence are never okay, even when you’ve upset someone. Report any hate speech or threats of violence to Facebook.

Taking Preventative Measures

  1. Stop, read and think before you press send. While you can't take back messages you've already sent, you can stop yourself from making the same mistake twice.
    • Before you send any message, take a moment to read back over it and think about how it might affect you, the person receiving it, or someone else.
    • Make sure you've selected the correct recipient and that you haven't included any information you may later regret.
  2. Institute a personal time delay. Waiting a certain amount of time will force you to take a break and reflect on your message. Pick an amount of time (1 minute, 5 minutes, 10 minutes) and make yourself wait that amount of time before pressing Send.
  3. Foster positive social media habits. Consider why you want to use Facebook and how you want to represent yourself to others on it.[7]
    • If you think of Facebook as a place where you will only engage in positive conversations, you can opt out of heated or inappropriate conversations right away and avoid sending messages you might later regret.[8]

Tips

  • If you shared personal, private, or potentially damaging information about another person in your message, you must let that person know and apologize to them.
  • Mistakes happen. You are likely to be forgiven if you admit you made a mistake rather than making up an excuse.

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://smmadvertising.com/blog/damage-control-in-the-digital-world/#.VEFNTue5Yy4
  2. ↑ http://www.gurl.com/2013/03/15/sent-to-the-wrong-person/#2
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/how-to-apologize.htm
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201112/embarrassment
  5. ↑ https://www.facebook.com/help/187652797949395
  6. ↑ https://www.facebook.com/help/111229232299028
  7. ↑ http://www.hays-us.com/cs/groups/hays_common/@ca/@content/documents/promotionalcontent/hays_749276.pdf
  8. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patrick-mott/teens-social-media_b_3486924.html

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