Talk About Race

If you want to discuss race, take some steps to ensure the conversation can be positive and helpful. First, create a safe space for those involved to speak honestly and openly about race. Be willing to talk with people who have different experiences than yourself. If you want to talk to your child about race, use teachable moments and never shame them for being curious about how people look.

Steps

Responding When Race Comes Up

1. Be open to discussions. One of the most important parts of discussing race includes taking an open approach to understanding race, especially from a different viewpoint than your own. Be willing to hear from someone who has different experiences, religious views, economic means, and family lives than your own. Listen with curiosity and be willing to accept what they say about their own struggles or privileges.
   • Don't shy away when race comes up in conversation, especially people who are a different race from you.
   • If you are not used to talking about race, you might be startled when it comes up. It's perfectly okay to express this. You might say, "I want to have this conversation with you! Forgive me if I'm a little slow in my responses: my family never talked about race or racism."
2. Be validating. If someone is sharing their experience with you, validate them and how they feel. For example, if someone went to a restaurant and was treated disrespectfully, listen to them talk about it. When you validate someone’s experience, it helps them feel like they are accepted, which is especially important after feeling mistreated.
   • Don’t offer answers, make excuses for how they were treated, minimize their experience, or judge them. Just listen and say, “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
3. Stay calm. Racial experiences are often very personal and sensitive, so don’t be surprised if there are misunderstandings or disagreements. The important thing is to remain calm and not escalate the situation. Take some deep breaths before moving forward, or take a few moments to collect your thoughts. If things get heated, excuse yourself and take a few moments to settle before returning to the conversation. This will help you control your impulses and avoid saying something that could hurt.
   • If you start to get upset, see if there is anything you can clarify what you’re saying or understand the other person better.
4. Respond to racist remarks. Whether you’re defending yourself or someone else, learn to be sensitive to racist remarks and find ways to respond. Stand up for yourself or for someone who experiences a racial slur or other demeaning experience. Say, “That’s not okay to say” or, “Please don’t speak like that.”
   • Find ways to Become Proactive Against Racists and Racism in your school, workplace, community, or government.
5. Handle accusations of racism. Everyone struggles with being sensitive to other people. If someone accuses you of saying something racist, listen to them and apologize if you offended them. If you’re unclear about what you said that was wrong, ask them. If they seem upset about what you said, apologize and be more sensitive in their presence.
   • If you say insensitive things that people react negatively to, ask yourself if you think or say racist things, even if you don’t mean to be offensive.
   • If you know someone who calls people out about racist remarks, start a conversation with them and learn from them.

Creating a Safe Space with a Group

1. Set ground rules. Especially if you’re talking with a group of people, set some rules so that everyone will respect one another. Create rules as a group. For example, suggest that participants not interrupt and let one person speak at a time. If things get heated, you take some time to process emotions before moving on.
   • Everyone should know what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable when talking about race. Because talking about race can be very personal, it’s important that everyone respects one another and that the discussion does not get out of hand.
2. Approach the conversation with respect. Have a quick discussion about what it means to be respectful and treat others with respect. Discussions about race can polarize quickly, so make sure everyone involved knows to be respectful of one another. Make some examples of how to disagree respectfully with someone.
   • A moderator can let people know when comments are disrespectful need to be phrased differently.
3. Have a moderator. A moderator can be helpful when talking about race in groups, such as in a classroom or office. Choose someone who is knowledgeable about issues regarding race. This person will shut down any comments that are hurtful or derogatory and move the conversation along if it goes off topic.
   • The moderator may have specific questions to ask or choose activities for people to do.
4. Encourage everyone to contribute. Let everyone know that they have a voice and are free to express their thoughts and opinions about race. Discussions about race aren’t just for people who feel in the margins, they are for everybody. Getting everyone involved means that different perspectives can be shared. This also helps people realize that they are not alone in their experiences and that they might have beliefs or biases they didn’t realize they have.
   • Even if people don’t verbally contribute, consider asking participants to journal their thoughts or feelings before and after the discussion.
5. Affirm people’s values. When talking to someone or a group about race, affirm their values. For example, state that the people present work hard to contribute to their families and country and strive to improve themselves and their community. Then, affirm “shared” fate” as anyone suffers when they lose their job, raise children on their own, or get sent to prison, whether they are Black, Asian, male or female.
   • Connect emotionally with the people and connect to things that are important to them.
6. Go over important vocabulary. Define some words before or during the discussion. Some words to be sure everyone understands can include, “stigma,” “stereotype,” “bias,” or “mass incarceration.” Depending on your discussion, you can bring up specific events or words which you might define, such as “caste” or “Jim Crow.”
   • Don’t assume people understand everything you say. Define any terms you think people might not know. For example, say, “Jim Crow refers to repressive laws and segregation in the Southern USA.”

Confronting Problems

1. Talk about problems. Talk about racial problems directly. If they directly impact members of the group, say how they do. For example, in a university setting, you can say, “Minorities tend to be underrepresented in high education.” Talk about specific problems and how they relate to a historical context.
   • Allow people to share their own views on how issues of race impact them and the community at large.
2. Discuss stereotypes. Some people subscribe to stereotypes without being aware of their beliefs. Yet, even “positive stereotypes” (like Asians are good at math) can be hurtful. Talk about pervasive stereotypes and subtle stereotypes, discussing how they impact individuals and groups as a whole.
   • Talk about how stereotypes are perpetuated by news, movies, and music.
3. Acknowledge privilege. Privilege refers to any an unmerited or unearned advantage over other people. Being born with privilege doesn’t make a person ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or more or less worthy as humans. However, it’s important to acknowledge privilege when discussing race. Talk about how privilege affects people of different races. Ask people what privileges exist, and which ones they have or wish they had.
   • For example, talk about how having an ‘ethnic sounding’ name affects job opportunities, or how some people tend to be more suspicious or trusting of people depending on their race.
4. Confront your family experience around race. Your own experiences with race growing up likely impact the way you experience race and racism now. Many families don’t talk about race or are uncomfortable discussing issues. Perhaps you were raised in a biracial family, so issues may have been more readily discussed. Think about how your attitudes growing up affect how you approach race now.
   • Think about the people who influenced your attitudes about race, and whether they were positive or negative experiences.
5. Discuss solutions. While process-oriented approaches can help people understand their values and experiences, they don’t provide any solutions. Solutions can be practical and also feel accessible to people. People can think of large, systemic solutions ways to subtly respond to racism in their communities. Brainstorm ways that people can contribute to finding solutions and responding to negative experiences.
   • Letting people create solutions helps them feel involved and invested in making changes.
6. Commit to making changes. If you are trying to solve problems (on a small or large scale), find some solutions and commit to seeing them through. For example, if you’re a school organization and want more diversity in your group, commit to expanding your parameters and meeting more people who are interested in the group who come from racially diverse backgrounds.
   • Brainstorm ways to contribute to change and make direct efforts to complete the changes.

Speaking with Children

1. Avoid shaming your child. A child might say something horrifically racist, but don’t shame them. Instead, create a dialog and let them know what was upsetting about what they said. Being observant, thinking about and talking about race should be okay and safe. If your child comes to you with a question or comment about race, invite them to talk about it further. This can help your child feel comfortable in their own skin and help them accept others.
   • If your child says something offensive, set them straight. For example, say, “Your friend looks like she does because one of her parents is Black and the other is Asian. She’s mixed-race. If you tell her you think she doesn't look like her mom, you might make her feel bad, even though there's nothing bad about it.”
2. Look for teachable moments. When discussing race with children, look for teachable moments to bring up race and treating people fairly. Your child might notice or say something about a child who looks different or acts different at school or on the playground. When talking to your child, ask them to notice not only the differences but also the similarities. For example say, “How are they different from you? What about the ways they are the same?”
   • If you want to discuss race further with your child, read books that discuss race. Find books that discuss mixed-race families, being adopted into a family that’s a different race, and feeling different at school around race.
3. Make the message age-appropriate. Kids may not be ready to talk about systemic problems that lead to different economic advantages. However, you can discuss issues like slavery with a young child. For a preschool or young school child, try talking about fairness, as this is often a big theme in children’s lives. For example, you can say, “Some people think others are somehow less important due to the color of their skin. That doesn’t sound very fair, does it?”
   • If your child comes to you with a difficult question, don’t hesitate to say, “Let me think about that and we can talk about it later.” Do some research or gather your thoughts so that you can answer their question truthfully and thoughtfully in a way they can understand.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Stop Being Racist
• Deal With Racism
• Tell if You Are a Racist
• Overcome Racism
• Prove Racial Discrimination in the United States
• Deal With Racist Parents
• Deal With Someone Who Calls You a Racial Name