Talk to an Autistic Person

Autistic people may appear strange or intimidating to others, but they can be quite fun and charming once you get to know them. This guide will help explain how to talk to them.

Steps

Understanding Their Needs

  1. Don't worry about eye contact. Most autistic people don't make eye contact often, and may feel uncomfortable if you try to force them to do so.[1] Autistic people can usually think, listen, and speak better when they don't need to make eye contact.[2]
    • If not making eye contact feels odd to you, try sitting or walking side by side, or chatting while doing something that involves your eyes (like drawing or crochet).
    • They may not always look at you when listening to you. Unlike non-autistic people, autistic people don't always look at the person or thing they are thinking about.
  2. Avoid making unexpected physical contact. Some autistic people are highly sensitive to touch, and even a friendly pat on the back can feel alarming or painful. Feel free to ask the autistic person what their likes and boundaries are. For example, some autistic people are distracted by a hand on their shoulder, while others love bear hugs. In general, don't touch an autistic person without their consent, and try not to startle them.
    • Try asking first: "Would you like a hug?" This gives them the chance to decline if they're feeling too overwhelmed.
    • If you're going to touch an autistic person, let them see your hand coming. This keeps from startling them, and gives them time to pull away or say no.
    • Autistic people usually can't handle touch when experiencing sensory overload. Don't assume that a "yes" from yesterday will guarantee a "yes" today. Conversely, they might have been unable to process a hug yesterday, but would love a hug today.
  3. Find a peaceful area to hang out. Due to Sensory Processing Disorder, an autistic person might have trouble filtering out ambient noises and sights. Thus, it's a good idea to hang out in a quieter place, so they can better focus on the conversation.
    • Pay attention if they say they can't handle something. If they say it, they mean it.
    • Sometimes autistic people have a hard time understanding when they're overwhelmed. If you notice that they look stressed, take them somewhere less overwhelming.
  4. Speak clearly and understandably. Autistic people may have issues with understanding speech, which vary from person to person. Treat autistic people with dignity and respect. Avoid talking to adults in baby talk. [3] Here are some difficulties they may face...
    • Trouble with figurative language. Teach Figurative Language to Autistic People may be confusing to autistic people. If they act strange or confused, you may need to clarify that you weren't serious.
    • Speech processing issues. Regardless of their intelligence or vocabulary, it may take them time to translate sounds into meanings in their heads. Allow for pauses in the conversation, to give them time to think and react. Avoid rattling off long lists of things—write it down if you expect them to remember all of it.
  5. Be aware of challenges with reading social cues. Autistic people may not understand facial expressions, body language, hidden implications, or hints—it depends on the individual. It helps to be clear about your thoughts and feelings. If they do something that's socially tone-deaf, assume ignorance rather than malice. It's unlikely that they mean any harm by it.
    • Since social rules can be harder for autistic people to understand, they may unintentionally say something rude. Assume the best: that they walked away because they didn't know how to end a conversation, instead of that they walked away because they hate you.
    • Check with them. "I noticed that you didn't respond when I said hi to you in the grocery store yesterday. Were you ignoring me, or did you not notice me?" They'll appreciate the clarity.
    • If they hurt your feelings, say so. This gives them the opportunity to realize that you were upset, and apologize to you.
  6. Know that you may witness a meltdown or shutdown. Meltdowns occur when an autistic person can no longer suppress their pent-up stress, and releases it in a fit of emotion that may resemble a breakdown or tantrum. Shutdowns look like the opposite: the person "shuts down," becomes passive, and loses the ability to interact. In both cases, it's important to give them patience and compassion.
    • Help them find a quiet, private place so they can calm down. Avoid asking questions, pressuring them to speak, or trying to distract them. Give them time.[4]
    • Reduce sensory input.
    • Never grab them without permission or shout at them. Remember, they can't control it, and they probably feel deeply ashamed about losing control in a public place.[5] Meltdowns feel terrible.[6]
    • Once they feel better, you can ask about what happened, and what could be done next time to better meet their needs (if anything). If they don't want to talk about it, then let it go.
  7. Expect them to stim. Stimming is a natural autistic behavior that helps them stay calm,[7][8] think clearly,[9] feel good,[10] express their feelings,[11] and adapt to a challenging world. When your friend stims, act like there's nothing unusual about it: ignore it and keep talking, or respond to their emotion (e.g. laughing along with them, or asking if they're doing okay because they look distressed). They will appreciate your acceptance.
    • If their stimming is interfering with your needs (e.g. their pacing is making you literally feel dizzy), gently ask for them to switch to a different stim. Never ask them to stop stimming just because it makes you feel embarrassed or awkward.
    • If an autistic person stims around you, consider it a compliment—they trust you enough to be themselves around you.
  8. If you aren't sure about their needs, ask. It's okay to ask an autistic person about how you can accommodate their needs. People who are labeled as "high functioning" often are expected to adapt to non-autistic standards (however painful or difficult it might be), while "low functioning" people might be treated as if they cannot understand anything, let alone their minds or needs. Being asked about their needs is often a relief.
    • It doesn't have to be a big deal: all you're asking is "What can I do to help?"
    • This will improve the quality of your interactions—a girl who was previously inattentive in a cafeteria might become an active conversation partner in a quiet, non-distracting cafe.
    • It may take them time to respond, and they may revise their responses later. Autism is a complex disability, and it's difficult to think of every important aspect off of the top of their heads.
  9. Consider reading about autism. The internet is full of information from autistic-run organizations and autistic writers (like Cynthia Kim and Amy Sequenzia) who offer insights into the ways their minds work. Kim's website has a list of recommended blogs in the sidebar.
    • Beware groups that exclude autistic people, focus on what "burdens" and "disasters" they are, or portray themselves as anti-autism. These groups are not helpful, and not accurate. Listen to real autistic people.
    • Some parents and therapists exist who write compassionate, insightful resources. For example, Ariane Zurcher of Emma's Hope Book and Dr. Jonine Biesman are well-regarded among autistic people. These people can also provide good information.
  10. Remember that autism is more than a list of deficits and disabilities. It also comes with some significant strengths, that can make autistic people be very good friends. Many autistic people are funny, genuine, loyal, loving, and insightful. Recognize your friend's individual strengths, and appreciate them for the person they are. You can acknowledge a disability while still appreciating the person as a worthwhile, likable human being.
  11. Try to be understanding. Every autistic person is different, and their special needs may make them seem odd or even rude. It might be because of a special need that they haven't disclosed, a comorbid condition, or a lack of understanding of social rules. Most likely, they never intended to be rude, and feel upset and apologetic if they learn that they hurt someone's feelings.

Conversing

  1. Don't wait for the autistic person to start a conversation. Many autistic people have trouble starting conversations, and might not pick up on the clues that you want to talk to them. If you want to talk to them, just go and do it! Don't worry if it seems awkward, since most autistic people are used to a little awkwardness anyway.
  2. Find some common ground. Most autistic people have a few topics that they're particularly passionate about, and they love to talk about them if they believe you're interested.
  3. Keep your questions polite. If you have questions about autism, it's okay to ask, but asking questions like "Can you fall in love?" or "Do autistic people have bellybuttons too?" are demeaning and rude. Don't ask an autistic person anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable asking a non-autistic person.
    • If you aren't sure if a question is appropriate or not, look it up on the internet. That way, you can save your embarrassment for yourself as you realize that of course autistic people have bellybuttons, and you won't make anyone uncomfortable by accident.
  4. Set boundaries as needed. Since autistic people may not always pick up on social cues, you might have to be explicit, rather than dropping hints. Here are several things you can say to compassionately and politely set a boundary:
    • "It's been nice talking about cats, but I'm a little tired of the subject right now. Could we talk about school or something else instead, and talk more about cats later?"
    • "I need to go work on a project now, okay? I'll see you at dinner."
    • "Well, I'd better hurry, so I won't be late for my meeting. Catch you later!"
    • "I need some alone time right now."
  5. Listen to them. Sometimes, people around an autistic person get caught up in therapies and training, to the point that they forget that the autistic person is a person with thoughts and emotions. Give your friend a chance to be understood.
  6. Be direct when you need to finish a conversation (if needed). If you want to leave or do something else, it's best to be polite and clear. Politely get their attention and explain that you have to go.
    • Autistic people may miss subtle signs that you want to leave.
    • If you're talking about something that doesn't interest them, they might not know how to change the subject or let you know that they'd rather go do something else. If they act abrupt or leave unexpectedly, brush it off. They probably didn't mean any harm by it.
  7. Appreciate them for who they are. It's too common for organizations and non-autistic people to treat autism like a blight or disease that must be "cured." Most autistic people just want to be loved, autism and all, and treated like equal human beings. Showing unconditional acceptance means the world to them.

Tips

  • Remember that autistic people are people. While their brains function differently, in many ways they're just as capable as their peers, and in some ways they surpass them in skill. Speak to an autistic person the same way you would speak to one of their peers (but with less slang/non-literal language and generalisations). They will appreciate it.
  • Give an autistic person time to think about and respond to your questions. Many autistic people are thoughtful, and they may have trouble arranging all their thoughts into verbal sentences. Be patient as they figure out the best way to reply.
  • If an autistic person talks a lot about one topic, this is usually their favorite topic. After talking about the topic with them, go and find out more about it: research about it, look it up online, ask others who know a lot about it, etc. They will be so happy that you did this when you talk next time!
  • Don't feel bothered or upset if they don't look at you. A lot of the time, looking at people takes so much concentration for autistic people that they can't focus on what you're saying!
  • It's okay if you don't understand something they do or say. Just ask them what they mean clearly and concisely and wait patiently for the answer.
  • Different is not deficient. They can do most things you can, just differently.
  • Tell them what you are going to do or what is going to happen beforehand.
  • Give them a chance. Autistic people can be the best of friends- they are loyal, honest, unique, and interesting!

Warnings

  • Don't discourage them from stimming or engaging with their special interests. This will hurt their self-esteem and coping abilities. Instead, appreciate them for who they are.
  • If you can tell that the individual is getting more and more stressed or anxious as you are talking to them, then ask them if they are overloaded or offer to leave for now. Sometimes autistic people become overstimulated and need quiet time to calm down. Autistic people struggle to filter out irrelevant stimuli, and if they are overstimulated enough, they could melt down or shut down. This does not mean that they don't like you; it just means they've had enough for the day.
  • Never make fun of or tease an autistic person. It is not okay to exploit their weak points (eg gullibility, clumsiness)
  • Trying to stop them stimming, especially when they are stressed/anxious may increase anxiety. Instead, ask them what is wrong and ask how you can help/offer suggestion of help.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ Snagglebox: What's the Deal with Eye Contact?
  2. ↑ Indiana Institute on Disability and Community: Should We Insist on Eye Contact with Autistic People?
  3. ↑ http://the-art-of-autism.com/baby-talk-why-do-people-talk-to-autistic-adults-and-children-like-they-are-infants/
  4. ↑ Cynthia Kim: Anatomy of a Meltdown
  5. ↑ Emma's Hope Book: Raging Screams and Shame
  6. ↑ Emma's Hope Book: It's Important that Other Parents Understand
  7. ↑ BBC on Stimming
  8. ↑ Blue Dude: Self-Soothing Stimming
  9. ↑ A Cognitive Defense of Stimming, or Why Quiet Hands Makes Math Harder
  10. ↑ Stimming 101
  11. ↑ [1]
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