Tell Someone to Stop Threatening to Commit Suicide
If there's a loved one you know who is threatening to commit suicide, take the immediate threat seriously and respond with compassion, support and by being available. If you feel that this person has started a pattern of threatening suicide due to constantly unmet needs or feeling hurt, etc., this should be dealt with in the longer term, when the immediate threat has passed.
Contents
Steps
Being fully engaged
- Stop and think. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and ask yourself "Why are they threatening in the first place?" Are they hurt? Sad? Depressed? Angry? Confused? Lonely? Do they feel like giving up in life? Most people who are on the verge of ending their life are hurt, depressed, lonely, and/or feel like all hope is lost. When people threaten to commit suicide, they do it because it's probably the last option they have to get what they want. This is not about "manipulation wants" or vapid materialistic wants (such as a new cell phone) but the kind of wants that equate to serious issues and problems they are going through, deep and abiding issues that they really and truly want help with.
- Listen. A suicidal person needs to vent or pour out the hurt. They're probably on an emotional roller coaster and can't get off. Try to figure out what it is that's hurting them and causing them to make these threats. Treat the person gently and let them know you're there to help to clarify the situation. Listen to their story and their emotions.
- Talk with the person. You must make the person see that there's no point in ending their life. Note to them that there are no benefits in committing suicide. Their pain and suffering will be over, but he or she will miss out on the pleasures and benefits in life, and people that he or she cares about want him or her to enjoy life and be happy.
Sourcing the underlying issue
- Consider whether the person seems sad or angry when they threaten suicide. This can help you determine their motivation, and whether they really mean it.
- If the person sounds sad or emotionless, then they are most likely genuinely contemplating suicide. They may be dealing with some type of depression. (Some people with depression can seem emotionless or "dead inside.")
- Abusers may threaten suicide in order to control someone. This is usually a conditional threat, and they say they'll kill themselves only if you leave/disobey them.
- Be cautious about suicide jokes. Sometimes, this is a desperate cry for help, because the suicidal person doesn't know how to truly open up. Other times, it's someone who doesn't understand how serious suicide is, and isn't a suicide risk.
- Open a dialogue about suicide during a calm time. When you and the person have time alone, ask them about the suicide threat(s), and why they said that.
- A depressed person who talks about suicide often does so because they are scared and want help (they just don't know how to ask for it). By asking, you're giving them an opportunity for them to talk about what's happening, and then they can get the help they need.
- If the person was joking, they may then reveal that they've been having these thoughts for real. Otherwise, they'll probably be uncomfortable by the seriousness of the topic, which may remind them that it's not a good topic to joke about.
- A rational, open conversation with an abuser may not be possible.
- Find the source of the problem. There has to be a reason as to why that person is emotionally upset and feeling hopeless. Try to see if you can deduct the problem's roots:
- Loss of job, home, health, or a loved one
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- Depression (sadness/feeling "dead inside," low self esteem, feeling like they don't matter or that there's no point in existing, etc.)
- Comfort the person. Give the person some time and comfort that they need to help make them feel better. Offer to spend more time with them and do whatever it is that would make them feel better. Maybe go see a movie together, take a nice walk, shop at the mall, or offer to join in one of their hobbies.
Responding with care
If the person is contemplating suicide, it can be scary and worrisome. Here is how to help them the best you can.
- Validate their pain. The person may feel isolated and lost, and they may feel better if you tell them that it's okay to be upset. This lets them know that their feelings are important, and that they don't need to hide them or bottle them up. It also will make them more likely to tell you if they need help in the future.
- Say things like "That must be hard" and "I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with that."
- Respect their boundaries. Being pushy won't help. If there are things that they don't want to discuss, don't press and press for them to tell you. Keep your limits and learn when to back off.
- If they seem hesitant to talk about something, say "It's okay if you aren't ready to talk about it. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." This will make them feel more comfortable around you.
- Don't be a people pleaser, but help enough to solve the problem.
- Know what not to say. As well as being reassuring and listening a lot, there are some things that you should never say. No matter what overlay you have put on the situation in your own mind, avoid saying any of the following:
- Calling them stupid. This simply confirms what the person feels already and could push them to the brink.
- Calling them selfish, or lecturing them on how their loved ones would respond. Often the person wanting to commit suicide has an overload of care for others, the world and for pressing issues, so this is a very thoughtless thing to say and can attack an already defenseless and delicate spirit. Calling them selfish is likely to confirm the rotten feelings the person has inside. Avoid scolding them. If anything, remind just how much you and others want the person to stay alive.
- Accusing them of attention-seeking. Even if you think this is true, pronouncing it will encourage the person to prove that they are not seeking attention. Right now, this person truly needs attention: specifically, help to stop whatever drove them to saying this. Instead of belittling their feelings, be there for them and work on how to get them the help they need.
- Swearing at them or raising your voice. Avoid frightening the person (they may clam up and regret asking for help) or otherwise escalating the situation. Instead, be as calm and gentle as possible.
- Demanding they get help. This may seem a benign thing to say in and of itself but without clarifying it, it sounds as if you want to be rid of the "problem" and shove the person somewhere else right at that point in time. It also can come across as preaching, sounding superior and belittling. Instead, tell the person that professional help is available, and that, in addition, you and their family and friends are there to help right away. Be proactive and show this help. Try helping them tell a parent, make a doctor appointment, et cetera.
- Remind them why you want them to stick around. Say you'd miss them a ton if they died, and give some reasons why. Talk about things you like to do with them, and why they are special to you. Sometimes suicidal people start believing that they won't be missed, so it's helpful to provide evidence that this is wrong.
- Make a safety plan with them. When suicidal thoughts get very bad, the person may feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. It can help to have a written action plan.
- Who should they contact? If this person can't be reached, then who should they turn to next?
- What is the number of a suicide hotline?
- What if they have to wait until a loved one can come to them? What activity could they do in the meantime? Do they have a favorite show they could watch? Make a list of websites they can visit to distract themselves temporarily.
- What is a less drastic response to a problem that is making them feel suicidal? If they have suicidal thoughts because of school, maybe they could drop a few classes, take a medical leave, find a new school, or work instead. If their mom is abusive, maybe they could cut her out of their life. Plan a solution that is less drastic than committing suicide, and promise that you'll help them try that thing first.
- Check in on them. Suicidal thoughts are tough to fight, and the person will experience bad days and relapses. It can help a lot to have people checking on them and watching how they're doing, so they can help if things get worse.
- Help them build their support network. You shouldn't be the only one responsible for them; that isn't fair to either one of you. Encourage them to talk to their loved ones, and for people to set up get-togethers. This way, they can rotate people to spend time with.
- Encourage them to let their friends know that they're going through a rough time, and to reach out more. (You can also encourage their loved ones to reach out to them more.)
- Especially during a relapse, the person should not be spending too many hours or days alone. Sometimes, it is dangerous for them to be alone with their thoughts for too long. Loneliness only makes things worse.
Tips
- It's best to be calm, stay strong, and be there to help.
- Suggest some professional help from a counselor or psychiatrist and offer to go with them if it helps make them feel better. Do note, though, that this could result in them being involuntarily committed.
- Some people think it's funny to threaten others with suicide to see other's reactions. If that's the case, ignore that person and they will finally realize that it's not right to mess with other people's feeling like that.
- Inform the police as soon as possible.
Warnings
- If they do attempt suicide, seek help from a professional psychiatric center or call a crisis hotline for more information.
- Know when you are being emotionally blackmailed, and the person just wants your attention and doesn't have a desire to commit suicide. If the person says things like "I'll kill myself if you leave me", or "If only you /people would do so-and-so, I wouldn't feel so unhappy" you most likely are blackmailed. Tell them you're not putting up with that kind of behaviour. Or just flat out tell them, "OK, that's it. I'm leaving."
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