Write a Sympathy Card

Nobody said that writing a sympathy card was easy. When you sit down to write one, you may be nervous about saying the right thing, or even feel like nothing you say can make a difference. Of course, your words of kindness won't take the grieving person's pain away, but they can help make the person feel less alone. If you want to know how to write a tactful sympathy card from the heart, see Step 1 to get started.

Steps

Being Thoughtful

  1. Buy a card that is appropriate for the person in need. If you don't know the person's belief system, then it's best to get a simple card that does not take religion into account. However, if you know that the person is a devout Christian and would take comfort in a more religious card, then you can get a card with religious images or words. You may feel that any sympathy card you see isn't exactly what you want, but that's perfectly natural; the whole process of writing a sympathy card can feel a little unnatural, as can buying a card.
  2. Use blue or black ink. If you want to be tactful, then you don't want to write the sympathy card in pink or purple pen; this will make the person think that you did not put any effort into the card and that you just went with whatever pen was lying around. Blue or black are dignified and appropriate colors for writing a sympathy card.
  3. Use your best handwriting. If you have naturally messy handwriting, make an effort to write as neatly as you can. You may even write the message on another piece of paper first so you know exactly what you are going to write. If your writing is sloppy or illegible, then the person will again not think that you put much thought into writing the sympathy card.

Writing Sincerely

  1. Address the card with an appropriate title. Just write "Dear" followed by the person's name. This is not the time to use cute nicknames -- just write the name you usually call the person, unless it's too casual.
  2. Say that you are sorry for the person's loss. You should avoid using the words "died" or "dead" or anything that refers to the person's death too directly. This may come off as tactless. Simply saying, "I am sorry to hear about your loss" or "I am so sorry to hear that your uncle passed away" will get the message across. Here are some other things you can say:
    • "We all will miss ____ dearly."
    • "I send my love and sympathy to you and your family."
    • "I send you my heartfelt condolences."
    • "Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss."
    • "My heart goes out to you completely."
      • Avoid mentioning how the person died. There's no need to say that the person died of cancer or that he or she had a terrible accident. This will only make the person feel worse.
  3. If you knew the deceased, share a memory. If you knew the deceased person well, mention shared happy events. Write something like "I truly enjoyed our fishing trips off the Baja coast. John was a wonderful fisherman who never minded sharing his catch-of-the-day with others." Keep the memory light, fun, and strictly positive. This is not the time to say, "Though Jay and I had our differences, he was an amazing man…" Here are some other things to keep in mind as you share a memory of the deceased:
    • Think of something that can make the person smile. Say, "I'll never forget the time your aunt Mary played the accordion at your wedding."
    • You can say, "Your uncle Tom was an amazing person and will never be forgotten."
    • If you didn't know the person or really didn't know the person well, don't try to attempt to come up with a memory anyway, or it will seem forced. Just say something like, "I know how much your friend Kathy meant to you…" This will feel far more natural than trying to conjure up a memory of the person you barely knew.
  4. Give an offer of help. Though you can't make the person feel 100% better during this hard time, you can do small things to ease the pain. Tell the person that you will be there for him or her during this difficult time and that you will do anything the person needs to make everything easier. You can offer to do errands, to babysit, just to be a shoulder to cry on, or anything else the person may need help with. Here's how you can phrase it:
    • "If you need someone to watch little Samantha, I will be there any time you need me."
    • "Please let me know if I can help you out with your daily errands. I would love to do what I can."
    • "I would love to go grocery shopping for you or to cook dinner for you and your family when you need me."
    • "Please don't be afraid to ask for my help with anything at all."
  5. Avoid making trite or tactless remarks. When you're writing the card, you may truly be at a loss for words and could end up saying something that you don't really mean or feel. You should avoid making overly trite or insensitive comments when you are trying to express your sympathy. Here are some comments you should definitely avoid:
    • Do not write trite statements such as "I know how you feel" or "It's all for the best". In actuality each person grieves and decides what is best for them, so trite messages can not convey how another's loss feels.
    • Do not compare the loss to one of your own losses. Though you may feel that you can relate to the person's suffering, it's best not to mention it in a card.
    • Though saying "He lived a full life" may sound reasonable to you, it can still make the person feel sad because, obviously, he or she would have wanted the person to keep living.
    • Do not say, "Time heals all wounds" or "You'll feel better in time." Though this may be partly true, this will come off as thoughtless and is not what the person wants to hear.
    • Don't say, "It was his time." This is trite and just not something the person would want to hear, even if you're talking about his 120-year-old great-great-grandmother.
  6. Tell the person that he or she is in your thoughts. After you've said you were sorry for the person's loss, have shared a memory, and have offered to help, then all you can really do is tell the person you are thinking of him or her and his or her family. This is the perfect way to end the card. Here are some things you can say:
    • "You will be in my thoughts every day."
    • "I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult time."
    • If the person is religious, you can say, "I send my love and prayers to your family" or "I am praying for you during this difficult time."
  7. Keep it short and sweet. A sympathy card should only be a few sentences long. Don't feel compelled to fill the whole card or to add extra words that don't really belong. This is not the time to make inside jokes or to bring up anything that is not really relevant to the person's loss. You don't want it to sound like you're not taking the loss seriously.
    • Sign off by saying "Love" or "Sincerely" or another word that is sincere and heartfelt.

Sample Sympathy Note

Doc:Sympathy Card

Tips

  • Less formal messages and greetings can be sent to close family members. You may sign the card first names. For example: With deepest sympathy, love, Julie, Joe and Jane.
  • Office sympathy cards could be signed from all the office members. For example: From the staff of John Doe and Associates.
  • After the funeral, and when things have settled down, call and chat. Arrange to meet for lunch or other social event. Once things have quieted down is often when the person who has suffered the loss of a loved one needs comfort most.

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Sources and Citations

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