Pay Your Respects when Someone You Know Dies
Facing the death of a close friend or family member, is always difficult. There are things we feel we want to say or do, but not sure if they are the way we should react. It is always nice to offer comfort to those who grieve. We never can go wrong with that.
Contents
Steps
- Do not be afraid to make the visit. If you are sincere in your desire to remember a friend or comfort the family, your presence will be appreciated.
- Do not arrive before the announced visiting hours and do not stay beyond them.
- Dress appropriately. Black is not necessary, and definitely not required. But, it's not the time to wear the brightest thing you own either. Something subtle, brown, blue, subtle white, etc.
- Say what everyone says: "I'm so sorry." It's easy to remember and nice to say. Adding "for your loss" can help, but may make the people even more sad.
- A hug is good.
- If you did know the person, say something nice too, like "He was a good man." or say something nice they did for you once, like gave you a cat and he is the best cat you have ever had. Something nice.
- Do some research. If it's a custom that you aren't used to, for instance, you are Catholic and are invited to sit shiva (a common Jewish practice), find out what you can on the internet and/or library. See what it would entail and what you would be expected to do as a guest.
- Help out where you can. Remember that times can be hard on the family, and, in the case of a teen substance abuse or drunk driving death, it may be a real shocker that the family is not prepared for. Sometimes, the family is too upset to cook or clean. Sometimes bringing a covered dish or helping out around the house afterwards can help.
- Be polite, of course. Be cordial and don't be upset if people cry or laugh; it is natural.
Tips
- It's nice to say, "I'm here for you whenever you're ready to talk." if you mean it. If you tend to get impatient when hearing the same story for the third time, this may not be the best way for you to offer support.
- Understand that the feeling of grief can last a very long time, and is different for each person. Some people want to talk about their loved ones; others will be in a state of shock for a long while.
- Remember for you this may be closure, but for those close to the person who died, it is only the beginning. If you have photographs or a story to share, call a few weeks later and ask to stop by.
- Be aware of others' feelings and emotions. Crying, laughing, and other outbursts of emotion are normal. Comfort them, but be gentle, not overly comforting.
- If you are not a very close family member or friend, you are there to comfort the family. Make an effort to talk to the other guests. If you don't know where to start, ask how they know the deceased.
- Take some tissues.
Warnings
- Asking family members things like, "What are you going to do with the house/car/clothing?" can really hurt. People in grief will often hang on to the personal effects of their deceased loved one long after people on the outside would deem appropriate. While it's important for everyone to move on after a loss, it takes different people different amounts of time to return to everyday life.
- Phrases like, "At least you got to spend time with them before they died", or "At least they are released from their pain", may be difficult for people to hear, especially if their loved one died after suffering a great deal. The final days of someone with a terminal disease are often very hard for family members to go through, and are not days that are necessarily filled with fond memories.
- Don't offer your sympathies in the form of song. It may seem appropriate, even soothing, but respect the fact the family is still grieving. Giving a message of sympathy in the form of rap could also be considered inappropriate by many. It is best to stick with just speaking in most cases.
- Before entering the church, funeral home, or the family's home, turn your cell phone off or leave it in the car.
- Never tell a grieving family that you know just how they feel, even if you have also lost a loved one.
- Don't wear bright clothes. Keep the clothing low key. Remember that you are not the center of attention here. It's the person's death that you are mourning.
- Don't be afraid to show your emotions. Others will be right there along with you.
- Consider writing a letter to the family afterward, sharing your memories of their loved one. This will be especially appreciated if the deceased was your co-worker. You knew him or her in a way that the family didn't. Don't be afraid to include humorous anecdotes. "I'll never forget the time Bob accidentally backed his truck into the boss's car!"
