Attend the Wake of Someone You Didn't Know Well

Wakes can be an awkward experience. They can be even more so if you didn't know the deceased, and almost everyone ends up at a wake like that at some point in their life. Maybe it was a cousin or friend of your parents that you never knew, or maybe you know the bereaved (the immediate relatives of the deceased) and are going to show your concern. This is something that happens all of the time, because wakes are for anyone who knew the deceased to stop by, share memories, see other friends and acquaintances, and express sympathy to those missing their loved one.

Steps

  1. Dress appropriately. You don't have to wear black, but this isn't the time to wear the wildest, brightest thing you own. Blacks, greys, browns, tans, and muted blues are all acceptable. Bits of white are okay if you can't avoid them.
  2. Buy a sympathy card. These can be found in drugstores, card shops, and gift shops. You can also buy a blank card to write a message of sympathy to the bereaved, and you can write a small note of a funny time you enjoyed with the deceased.
  3. If you knew the person well enough, you have the option of sending flowers or making a donation to a designated charity, disease research foundation, or hospice. While not required, it is a nice gesture and will be greatly appreciated by the bereaved.
    • If you want to donate money, check the obituary to find out where the bereaved is requesting that donations be made to. This organization will send a lovely card to the bereaved saying your name and the name of the person in whose memory you donated.
  4. Arrive when it's convenient for you. Wakes usually last several hours, and this is so that everyone gets a chance to stop in. If you didn't know them well, you're not expected to stay the entire length of time, but at the same time, it's distasteful to be in a rush to leave.
  5. Walk in quietly. Thank anyone who may open the door for you.
  6. The guest book should be right by the entrance, so you won't forget to sign it. A signature is needed, and if you didn't know many people there, you can add a small note of how you knew the deceased.
  7. Get into the receiving line. You can chat with the people near you, that's what wakes are for.
  8. As you approach the casket, there will be a place where you can leave sympathy cards or any money you wish to give directly to the bereaved. If you have them, that's where they should go.
  9. If you are religious, you can kneel down to pray at the casket. If you are not or the deceased and bereaved are of a different religion, you can stop to view the body for a moment and move on to greet the bereaved.
  10. As you approach the bereaved, introduce yourself. Keep it simple, and tell them how sorry you are for their loss. You can also share a fond memory or two that highlight how generous the person was or how you enjoyed their sense of humor, etc.
  11. After you have proceed through the receiving line, you may look around for other people you may know. This is more in the case of the death of a distant family member, where you may see close cousins, siblings of yours, etc. that came for the same purpose. You may then stop and chat with them.
    • There will probably be photos and/or a slideshow set up containing pictures of the deceased enjoying him/herself during happier times. If so, you can look at these with others and say: "Hey, I remember that!" or "Bob always had such a great sense of humor." or "Wow, I'll really miss those Monday night football games over at Larry's place." Wakes are for reminiscing and remembering the good times.
  12. After you have finished spending time with everyone, you may proceed to make a quiet exit. Exit through the same door you came in through.
    • If the bereaved are no longer in the receiving line, you may stop to say goodbye to them, or go up to the casket for a final goodbye.

Tips

  • Whether you want to attend the funeral or not is your choice, but remember: the funeral will last a good part of the day, starting at the funeral parlor, with the procession to the church, the service (there may be several), the graveside service, as well as the repast.
  • Closer family are expected to attend the funeral, it's considered a nice gesture if more extended family or friends partake. If you didn't know this person that well, attending the wake is the least you need to do.
  • Remember, wakes have always been to remember and share good times in a happy way, to celebrate the life that was lived.
  • The funeral and its related services and rituals are to mourn the life that has been lost, in a serious, somber way, and do right by the deceased and send them off to the great beyond. That said, it's perfectly okay to cry at a wake. You won't be the only one.

Warnings

  • It's highly distasteful to speak badly of the deceased; doing so may hurt those closer to the deceased and create tensions among those mourning.

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