Tell a Good Friend That You Are Dying
It is one of the hardest things in life to be told that you are going to die. Another challenging and sad task is telling your good friends. Too often there are articles on how to receive such information but less on how to go ahead and give the information. It takes courage and love but you can do it.
Steps
- Realize what not telling your good friend will do. He or she will be shocked and upset that you kept the information secret. While you may be afraid of telling them for fear of scaring them or upsetting them, it is better for them to hear it from you than on the grapevine - or worse: at your funeral.
- Choose a Be a Pleasant Person and Feel Peaceful place to break the news. A local garden or your own home are good choices. It helps to be seated as this is never the stuff of strong legs. Include coffee or a pot of tea to ease dry throats and provide a source of distracting comfort.
- Start by telling them what a great friend they are. Recall that you have had both good and bad times together and have always pulled through and that now you have some news to tell that you want your friend to hear with good grace and understanding.
- Be straightforward. Do not beat around the bush but use clear language. Tell your friend "Betsy, I have Identify Lung Cancer Symptoms and the doctor says it is inoperable. I am dying. They have given me three months to live."
- Expect shock, tears and even silence. This is not bearable news for either of you. Your emotions will be hard to control because you are telling a good friend you know you won't be talking to in a few months' time. Use hugs and holding of hands as a sign of deep connection. At a time like this, often no more words are needed but a great deal of comfort is essential. At this point, there is no rulebook or how-to - you will both do what feels right at the moment.
- Let your friend speak and voice their emotions. Your friend is in shock and may say things that don't quite gel with your needs or interests. Just listen and let it flow out; it'll become quite clear later to your friend what she or he has said in moments of un clarity. Your own emotions will be turbulent but it is best to try to not think "but I'm the one who's dying". This doesn't change anything and will only embitter you.
- Ask for whatever you need. Your friend will want to help and it is always a good idea to have something in mind for your friend to do. This provides a sense of coping for your friend and also alleviates concerns that your friend may have about you needing assistance. You might like to be driven to the doctor's weekly or to have your friend visit a little more often.
- Keep in touch with each other. This is not the time for letting go of friendships and feeling self-pity. The life you have remaining counts for everything and friendship is a vital part of the support, love and care that you deserve.
Tips
- You may like to ask your friend to present a eulogy. This is something for you to think about and decide; don't be pressured but equally, don't close down on the idea. If your friend raises it when you tell him or her, be ready for this possibility and don't take it as being callous or thoughtless; it is merely a friend trying to be Have Respectful Friends.
- You can also try to console them.
Warnings
- Some friends may avoid you or seem to "abandon" you; in reality most times this means that your friend is in shock, unable to cope with the news or even afraid of how this raises their own issues with mortality. Try to be understanding even though this probably hurts you intensely. Don't let it become a personal reflection; in Western society, we are often very sheltered from death and do not know how to deal with it well.
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