Be Asexual
Asexuals, who often refer to themselves as Aces, are people who feel no sexual attraction to other people of any gender (though the label is very large and there is a lot of wiggle room in there). If you're new to asexuality and could use some advice or if you are the loved-one of an asexual, read the article below.
Contents
Steps
Understanding Asexuality
- Be naturally you. If you are not naturally asexual, you cannot make yourself asexual. If you are naturally asexual, you cannot make yourself sexual. You shouldn't, regardless of the pressure on you, try to be anything other than what you really are. You can pretend to feel a certain way for awhile but eventually it will catch up with you. There isn't anything about your sexuality that is wrong, regardless of your preferences. Be you, because you are wonderful just the way you are.
- Don't feel limited to labels. What you have to understand is that human sexuality is incredibly complex: There can't be a label that fits perfectly for everyone, and even if you did find the perfect label, it probably wouldn't be perfect all the time. With that in mind, don't let anyone push a label on you and don't feel compelled to push one on yourself. Do what makes you feel comfortable. However, a label is not necessarily a bad idea- they can help too.
- Differentiate between types of attraction. For asexuals, it's very important to understand that there are different types of attraction. There is sexual, romantic, adulterous, aesthetic, sensual, and platonic. Now, by definition, asexuals do not feel sexual attraction, but they can feel any of the other types of attraction.
- Sexual attraction being attracted to someone in a way that makes you want to have sex with or do sexual activities with them.
- Romantic attraction is feeling romantically attracted to someone. Some describe it as wanting to go on a date or do what they consider romantic things with that person.
- Alterous attraction is feeling attracted to a person in a way that is a mix of platonic and romantic, or something different.
- Aesthetic attraction is finding someone visually appealing to look at
- Sensual attraction is wanting to doing physical things with people. While these acts are not necessarily romantic or sexual, they can be.
- Platonic attraction is being attracted to someone in a friend-way, wanting to become friends with them.
- The key of all of these types of attraction is that they can overlap, you do not have to be certain of your orientation in each of them, and that behavior does not dictate orientation.
- Differentiate between sexual needs. Asexuals often also differentiate between a physical need for sexual release, which they think of as a hunger or like having to use the bathroom, and the desire for sexual intercourse with another person. If you feel the need to masturbate (even to porn or other sexual fantasies), for example, but lose interest the moment you think of a specific person, you might be asexual.
- Find resources. There are lots of resources and an active asexual community on the web. You may also be able to find resources through your school's counselor or through a local clinic. The resources can give you more information and help you figure out your feelings, while simultaneously connecting you with other people.
- There is another label, called "Questioning", which you may find useful during this time period, if you are unsure of yourself.
- Meet people like you. Meeting other people who are Questioning, Asexual, or fit elsewhere under the Queer Flag of Awesome can help by giving you a great forum to discuss your feelings and see that you are perfectly normal. There are other people like you! Join clubs or internet forums in order to find people that share your ideas.
- Accept changes. Just because you decide that the asexuality label may apply to you right now, that doesn't mean that it always has to. You may have been sexual in the past and you may be sexual in the future. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because your desires and needs change over time.
Coming Out
- Don't feel pressured. Coming out is a deeply personal experience. If you're asking when the right time to come out is, the answer is just "when you feel it's right". Don't let anyone convince you when you should or shouldn't come out. If you want to tell people, tell them. If you don't, don't. Keep in mind, however, that when you are in a relationship with someone, telling them sooner rather than later is probably a good idea. It's not going to get any easier and waiting will only create problems.
- Set aside time. When coming out to someone, it's a good idea to carefully choose the time and place. Choose some quiet time, when you'll have plenty of time to talk, and when both of you are in a calm, good mood.
- Be straightforward. Just come right out and say that you're asexual. Avoid unsure or apologetic language, just tell them exactly how you feel because you have no reason to be ashamed. If the situation is particularly sensitive, you might want to text the waters first by seeing what they think or know about asexuality, but otherwise it's best just to start by saying something like:
- "Hey, I want to talk to you about something important to me. Is that okay? Here, let's sit down. I wanted to let you know, because you're very important to me, that I'm asexual."
- Explain asexuality. Once you've told them about you. Ask if they know about asexuality and offer to explain to them what it is and how it works. You don't need to offer any more personal details about your own preferences than you want to.
- Create context. If this is a very new concept for someone, you might want to put it into terms they can understand. Use examples that they can relate to. Usually this is easiest by comparing to known cultural examples. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory and some versions of the Sherlock Holmes character are portrayed as asexual. You can also compare to historical figures, like the Buddha.
- Provide resources. Having some extra information available, especially for parents and significant others, is a good idea (since they are more likely to be confused or concerned). You can print some information for them or send them digital resources. Ask them if they want more information before offering these, however. Pushing information on someone who is having trouble accepting your confession may cause greater tension.
- Give opportunity to ask questions. Having questions is normal. Since asexuality is not seen as common and some people are not even aware it exists, you should not be offended when people have a hard time understanding it and you. Give them time to learn and let them know, in explicit terms, that they can ask you questions and you will try your best to answer.
- Set desired boundaries. Tell them what you are and aren't willing to discuss, either before or after your basic explanation. This can help avoid offensive questions. If you don't want to provide details about your feelings, then tell that. If you don't want a lot of questions about your personal sex life, then tell them that.
Finding Relationships
- Look for other asexuals. The easiest way to relationships within asexuality is to date another asexual. You can meet and find people through local support groups, using online dating services specifically for asexuals, or by simply asking your friends to hook you up (if you're lucky).
- Look for open minded people. If you can't find other asexuals to date, or can't find any that you can connect with on an emotional level, then you may have to date sexuals if you want to have a relationship. Try to bond with people who you know are open minded or who care for you very deeply. The two of you may be able to make things work, but it will take compromise on both sides.
- Let relationships develop naturally. Don't ever try to force a relationship on yourself or someone else. Just because someone you meet is asexual doesn't mean the two of you should get married. Prioritize your feelings over simply being in a relationship.
- Discuss your situation with your partner. If you decide you want to date someone who is sexual, after a certain period of time has passed you're going to have to explain your situation. Explain as early as you are comfortable with, since dating an asexual can be a huge commitment for a sexual. Neither of you deserves to end up with hurt feelings.
- Even if you are both asexual, it's probably a good idea to discuss your ideas about relationships. Different asexuals will have different ideas about what they are and aren't comfortable with and what they do and don't need.
- Lay out some ground rules. Regardless of who you're dating, it's probably a good idea to set some basic rules and expectations. This will help with awkwardness later. Remember that everyone gets a chance to talk during this conversation and everyone's needs are valid. That is how healthy relationships work.
Maintaining Relationships
- Keep constant open communication. The real key to asexual relationship success is communication. Anytime either of you has a problem or feels a certain way, there should be a safe, supportive environment in which to discuss the problem with each other.
- Find other ways to have fun together. Asexual relationships generally don't include sex (although that is not absolute), but they do include pretty much everything else that comes with relationships. You can go on dates, marathon the first season of that show you both always wanted to watch, read books together, go to music shows, attend parties...the sky is the limit. Just remember that there are always other things to do than just have sex. Relationships are about much more than that.
- Find release for your partner. If you are dating a sexual, you need to appreciate the fact that they will have sexual needs that must be met. How those needs get met is up to the two of you, however. You may encourage them to go have sex with other people. You may choose to have sex with them as an act of love, rather than your own desire. You may choose to pleasure them with toys, rather than your body. Talk it out and find something that works for the two of you.
- Do what works for you. In the end, your entire relationship, no matter who it's with, is going to only be defined by what works for both of you. Don't let other people judge you or tell you what your relationship should look like. In the end, if you and your partner are happy and satisfied, that's all that matters.
- Recognize a bad match. Even if you really like someone and you'd had a good time dating them, they may still not be a good match for you or you for them. If they have sexual needs that you just can't fulfill, or if they can't respect your needs, then it may be better to end the relationship.
Tips
- Asexuals are thought to make up about 1-2% of the population, so don't feel (if you are asexual) like you are terribly alone or weird.
- Tumblr is a great community for LGBT+ (now frequently called MOGAI for Marginalized orientations, gender alignments, and intersex) people.
Warnings
- If your feelings are too much for you to deal with alone, please get help. We want you to continue to share your wonderful spirit with the world!
Related Articles
- Understand Asexual People
- Explain Asexuality to Somebody
- Be a Loner and Be Happy About It
- Navigate Sexual Issues While Single
