Be Less Annoyed With People

Annoyance with others can come about from two basic places. Either the person is doing something really annoying (in most cases), or (and everyone has been here before), the person is doing something completely normal, like breathing, and for some reason it bugs the living Beetlejuice out of you. Finding a way to cope with either situation is good for your outlook, and probably good for your health.

Steps

Dealing with Annoying People

  1. Breathe deeply. Breathing deeply, from your diaphragm, can actually reduce the amount of stress that your body feels.[1] Calmly count to ten, slowly. Imagine yourself on the beach. Let the internal sound of waves and seagulls wash over you. Feel the mist of the seawater on your face and let it calm you. Channel your most calming memory of experience; the feeling of a loved one, the memory of success, the bliss of no responsibility.
  2. Let go of how people should act and what people should do. This step is all about managing expectations. Too often, we have very specific ideas of how people should act and what people should do, and then we get annoyed when they fail to live up to our expectations. "Common standards of decency," we say. While expecting others to be fundamentally decent is a worthy idea, it can cause real annoyance and, sometimes, unhappiness. There's another way to do it:
    • Set low expectations. Don't lose faith in humanity, but don't expect people to wow you with their manners, their thoughtfulness, their speech. When you don't expect a lot from others to begin with, you appreciate it more when they do. Setting reasonable expectations is a major key to being less annoyed.[2]
  3. Ask yourself — what's in it for me? "What do I get out of being annoyed?" If you think about it, it's probably not all that much. Maybe you feel superior to the other person. But do you really want your judgment of who you are to derive from what other people do, or what you do? Your identity will be a lot stronger if you base it off of what you do, not what others do.
  4. Don't be afraid not to react.[3] A lot of the time, when someone annoys us, we feel such a strong emotion that it's hard not to react. That's when we say something we shouldn't, or do something regrettable. Most of the time, our outburst makes the situation worse instead of making it better. After breathing deeply, center yourself and take a moment to see if it's worth your time to react. It may not be.
    • Of course, if a coworker has just finished a sexist diatribe, it's probably a good thing to say something like "Steve, I don't think it's appropriate to compare women and cows like that." But if a coworker has just finished playing the same practical joke on you for the twentieth time, not giving him the satisfaction of a reaction will probably serve you best in the long run.
  5. Pay attention to your body language . Frowns, glaring, and other unpleasant body language convey anger and contempt. And they're contagious, too, so if they target the person who's annoying you, that person is likely to feel angry back. Before you know it, things can escalate. As much as possible, maintain a calm, collected demeanor, betraying nothing that suggests you're annoyed.
  6. Assume the best. Instead of assuming that the annoying person is trying to annoy you, assume that they don't know how they are coming off. The fact is that most people are not trying to annoy you. They probably don't realize that what they are doing is annoying. In other words, they probably are in their own world and may not even be aware of you. Remember, you think about you more than anyone else does — the same fact is true for everyone.
  7. Shrug off the little things. A little kid is bothering you on the airplane; a man is talking loudly into his cell phone; a lady asks you the same question twice at the DMV. These are all small fry. In the big scheme of things, they don't matter. You can greatly improve your quality of life by learning to let go, stop sweating the small stuff, and focusing your limited efforts and resources on the things that truly matter for most people: friends, family, health and safety, novelty, adventure, and lasting memories.
    • Accept the things you cannot change. You can change yourself, the toilet paper, and the decor of your house. You cannot change someone else. Focus your energies on the things that you can change and the people around you will take note.
  8. Stop trying to please everyone. No matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone who doesn't get you or who thinks about you in an unflattering way. Don't try to win over those apathetic or hostile to you, because it's a fool's errand. It makes you annoyed that you can't get everyone to like you as much as you feel you deserve. This desire comes from a selfish place, and it's toxic.
    • No matter who you are, someone dislikes you. Whether it's because of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference or social class, they find it very hard to see you as a human being in your own right. It's possible for someone to overcome that prejudice, but it rarely happens, and it never happens fast.
    • Prove the haters wrong by doing your own thing. The best thing you can do to combat ignorance or prejudice is forget about it, continue to live your life, and prove them wrong by example. Show them what an amazing person you are. Don't shove it in their face — just live your life. The people who won't notice are probably the people who are beyond saving.

Dealing with Your Own Annoyance

  1. Identify what is bothering you. What is it that's setting you off? Is it something truly annoying, like a brother repeating the same noise you've asked him twice to knock off, or is it harmless, like someone breathing loudly?[4] If it's something harmless that annoys you, there's probably some underlying issue that you haven't resolved, either about the person, or about yourself.
  2. Remind yourself that annoyed people are annoying.[5] Take a step back and imagine how you come off when you're annoyed. Do you imagine you're the second coming of grace, someone who everyone wants to be around? Or are you petulant, cranky, sour, the Debbie downer who people steer clear of because they burst their bubble? There's a good chance that when you let other people annoy you, you become the person you dislike. The best motivation for changing that fact is recognizing that you probably don't want to be the person you'd become.
  3. Turn any would-be advice that you'd like to give back on yourself. If you're annoyed with someone and you don't know why, or you're frustrated by the fact that you're annoyed, try this trick. Formulate some advice you'd like to give to that person. Say the person has played a joke on a friend of yours at their expense, and you want to tell the prankster "be considerate of other people." Now, instead of giving that advice to the other person, turn it around and see if the advice is applicable to you. Yes, you! Is there a way you can be considerate of other people? Can you let the good-humored attempt slide? Can you consider how your friend may have thought the joke was funny? Sometimes, the advice that we're most eager to give to other people is just the advice that we ourselves should swallow.
  4. Be aware your annoyance can be a problem with you instead of a problem with them. It's certainly possible that the reason we find something or someone annoying is that it reminds us of ourselves; we don't want to believe that that's who we truly are, so we distance ourselves from the person or thing by summoning annoyance and getting angry. Ask yourself: Is the reason you're annoyed because the other person is reflecting something that hits too close to home?
  5. Consider shaking your life up a bit. Being annoyed can be a sign that you're too entrenched in your comfort zone. Try shaking things. Rearrange your bedroom furniture, read books by authors who challenge your fundamental beliefs, take a trip overseas. Changing something in your life that shifts you out of your comfort zone and into new territory can lower your annoyance and crank up your compassion.
    • Anything that helps you to grow and mature will tend to dampen annoyance with other people. The more that you learn about the world, and the more understanding you are of people's motivations, the less you'll expect of other people. The key to happiness is low expectations.

Tips

  • Positive thinking can alleviate irritation with others.
  • Be aware that the online environment can also leave you feeling annoyed, only this time with anonymous people whose faces you cannot even see. Try not to take negative interactions in the online environment to heart, keep a sense of humor, and move along when things feel turbulent. Tomorrow will make it all seem very different after a good night of sleeping on it.
  • The sweeter the person who annoys you is, the more annoyed you may be. Consider carefully why this is so. Are they really a sweet person, or is it a tool for manipulation and a means of getting their own way? Does their sweetness highlight your own grumpiness over something? Think carefully before you react.

Warnings

  • Be careful with what you view as annoying behavior. If you're making a mountain out a molehill, you risk alienating people and having them find you annoying for being so picky, thoughtless, and unkind.
  • Be aware that sometimes you can turn mountains into molehills by looking at each incident separately. Watch for patterns that indicate serious real conflicts that need mediation. Discuss the situation with trusted friends outside the situation or with a counselor if it's starting to drive you round the bend, don't just react. In all the situations where there are deeper conflicts, just reacting or overreacting puts you right where they want you: making a fool of yourself or your crossing the line and getting in trouble.
  • Be aware that disdain, contempt, and fear are contagious. Avoid buttressing your dislike or contempt for the person who annoys you by inflicting your opinion on others about why this person is so annoying. A contemptuous mob is an ugly sight that soon switches to bullying in the workplace, school yard, and other group situations.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.healthcentral.com/anxiety/c/1443/156561/breathing-helps/
  2. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/everybody-marries-the-wrong-person/201106/are-lowered-expectations-the-key-happiness
  3. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201308/how-deal-annoying-people
  4. ↑ http://www.byronkatie.com/2006/09/inquiry-i-hate-my-husband/
  5. ↑ http://www.bloomlifedesign.com/10-tips-for-dealing-with-annoying-people/

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