Whether we approve or not, many people wish (sometimes subconsciously or quietly) to find someone who can be a "breadwinner" for various reasons – so they can stay home to raise children, focus on a dream career that has yet to produce reliable income, or simply for material comfort.[1] And as more women become financially successful, fewer of them are interested in "gold digging", but male "gold diggers" are becoming more common.[2] If you feel that financial security is the most important factor in choosing a partner to share your life with, you can (and should) approach the matter with sensibility and charm.
Steps
Meeting Mr. or Mrs. Moneybags
- Find out who the rich are in your area and scope them out. Unless you're looking for a fly-by-night sort of thing, you're probably limited to those millionaires and billionaires in your area. Find out who they are (by name, that is) and study their habits. Essentially you're developing a plan for how to "run into them" time and time again.
- You'll want to know where they work, where they hang out, if they have pets, their favorite artists, charities, music, and even vacation spots. Don't know where to start? Well, it's illegal pretty much everywhere to stalk someone in person, so Google is a good bet.
- Hang out where the elite hang out. Once you do find out where the elite hang out (or where your specific target hangs out), go there. Start walking your dog on the same path, shop at the same grocery store (if they do their own shopping, of course), and hit the same clubs. Eventually the haven't-I-seen-you-around question will become imminent.
- Make sure that whatever you do, you dress the part. No sugar mommy or daddy wants to take a scrub from rags to riches. They want someone that can appreciate the finer things in life and knows a bit about them. If you're on their turf, do your best to fit in.
- This might mean getting a job. Many millionaires and billionaires work insane work weeks, and getting at them may mean getting a job with them. Heck, some women go to college to get an MRS degree, and this is their back-up plan.
- Attend upscale events, venues and open houses. It's a little insane (literally) to mirror your target's schedule down to the T, so spice it up with living like they do. Or if you don't have a target, this is a good way to find one! Attend fancier events like gallery openings, theatre galas, and VIP nights at clubs and restaurants. Sprinkle in open houses throughout your day and you're bound to make a few connections – if you can hold a conversation, of course.
- This is just half the battle – once you get there, you have to have something to say. And unfortunately, life isn't a Disney film: it's unlikely Prince or Princess Charming is going to just come up to you and offer up their pockets full of gold. Something standard like, "How come we've never met? I see you walking your dog at the park all the time," is sturdy and not at all creepy. Let the sparks fly from there.
- Or go online. It certainly says something about our culture that gold-digging is slowly becoming acceptable. The number of websites devoted to it that are springing up reflects that, too. If you can't find one of your own accord, go online. There's singles websites for Christians, for farmers, for Christian farmers, and there are definitely a handful for those looking for a pretty penny, too. Suggardaddyforme.com, anyone?[3]
- Just be careful you don't become ingrained in a scam. Doing anything online is dangerous – never give away your private information and never give anyone money you don't absolutely trust.
- Attend a seminar, book a coaching session, or get a matchmaker. To round out your plethora of options, you could also get a little more personal. Let's discuss these three things:
- With gold-digging becoming a veritable phenomenon (just look at reality TV), seminars are cropping up all over the place that will give you pointers on hooking just who you're looking for. Most of the time, they're not free.
- Coaches are out there that can give you the aforementioned seminar on a more personal level, working with your "weaknesses" and developing your strengths. Unfortunately, these tend to be even more expensive.
- A matchmaker can get you started as part of his or her database full of rich clients. Sometimes there's an exorbitant fee and sometimes there isn't. Do your research before you commit to a specific matchmaker and always read the fine print.
Starting a Relationship
- Be fancy yourself. You want to repel the broke, blue-collar class, right? Then you'll need to look like you belong to the elite. High society tend to only blend with other members of high society, so to get in, you'll need to fit the suit, if you will. You can take that t-shirt and jeans and put it in the back of your closet right now.
- In addition to wearing the right clothes, your body will need to primped and pampered, too. Styled hair, manicured nails (even if you're a guy), perfectly tanned and toned skin – there's a definite look to being of the elite, and it sure is pretty.
- Learn about "fancy" things. So you've got the look, but now you need to talk the talk. If you walk into that art gallery and you start talking about how that Picasso reminds you of that one scene in Titanic, God, wasn't Leo just adorable in that? People might get a hint that you're not really there for the art. You'll do better if you can keep up in conversation, so learn up on the habits of the leisure class. You'll feel better with something interesting to say, too.
- Start with what you're actually doing. Attending open houses? Get familiar with your local real estate market and the process of buying a house. An art exhibit? Learn up on the artist at hand and his or peers. Did you mention you once vacationed in the Seychelles, but you didn't really? Come up with that backstory, too. In essence, cover your tracks. Be smart about it.
- Make sure he or she is actually rich. A gold digger isn't someone who finds a target and bleeds them dry. A gold digger is someone who finds someone with money and expects to be lavished in material goods. The last thing you want to do is find an average Joe and take him for all he's worth. That just isn't right.
- And make sure he or she is unmarried, too. You don't want to be the other man or woman in addition to being a gold digger – that's just bad karma. And besides, if they're already married, half their goods are signed away already, you know?
- Find out if they're self-made or ready-made. Though this is generalizing, self-made millionaires and billionaires typically come from a different fruit, if you will, than the ready-made rich. Self-made persons are successful, driven, and motivated – and they have the work they've done to prove it. Ready-made persons are typically more wrapped up in their own world that mommy and daddy handed to them. At the end of the day they all have money, but you may want to know their background to know what's in store.
- Self-made millionaires are able to "come back to reality," in a manner of speaking. Ready-made millionaires don't have and have never had that reality, so it's not an option. You may be in for a more interesting ride when it comes to the ready-made variety, and take that with a grain of salt.
- Be honest and up front about what you want. Let's face it: you're not dumb and neither are they. You want money and to be taken care of and they want someone cute and fun to take care of and parade around. So talk about it. Be open and honest. You're both adults. Putting your expectations on the table is admirable and starts your relationship off on the right food.
- If you don't know what to say, try something like, "If you can support me, I can support you. If you can't, then I can't. Can you?" It'll take some brash honesty, but it'll be hard to say no to your argument.
- Put sex on the table – not in the bedroom yet. Even if they've bought you a yacht, a condo in the Bahamas, and the Hope Diamond, it doesn't mean you have to put out. Feel it out. When you're comfortable and when you want to show you're appreciation, you can. But if you're not, don't feel like you have to. Make them work for it. If they want it, they'll keep trying. Sex should never be a mandatory stipulation.
- It's a good idea to keep them thinking that it's "in the future." You're not a square or a prude, you just want to "get to know them better" and "spend more time with them" before you take that leap. And who could blame you? That's what a respectable person would do.
Making It Work
- Make sure you're on the same page when it comes to being "in love." Alright, time for real talk: some men and women are going to expect you to fall in love with them, and some won't. Some are looking for true love and some just want some arm candy. What kind of situation are you in? You'll need to find out.
- How do you find out? You'll probably have a gut feeling and be able to tell if your sugar sweetheart is head over heels or not. If not, just ask. Do they believe in true love? What's their idea of a perfect relationship? You can dance around the topic to get a feel for their feel on you.
- Ask for what you want. There's nothing sexy about seeing a watch in a window and pouting about how you can't afford it. Instead, tell your darling that you have a sexy outfit to wear to tomorrow night's gala and you know just the thing that would bring it all together. Don't break eye contact and smile. Now when can you two go buy it?
- Don't bother playing coy – both of you know how this relationship works. Don't overextend your welcome – that is, don't ask for everything under the sun – but if you want something, say it. They likely want you to be happy and be happy with them.
- Be bubbly and social on their arm. Men and women don't tolerate gold diggers for the fun of it. They'll likely expect you to be bubbly, social, and easy to get along with – especially when they take you to all of their elite extravaganzas. And when you're not in the mood, well, you're going to have to act like you are. That's part of the contract. If you won't, they can likely find someone who will.
- Even if you're not (though hopefully you are), do your best to be interested in the world going around you – even if you know nothing about it. Talk to their friends, ask questions, and flash that pearly white smile of yours. Make small talk, laugh, and your date will be glad you came.
- Come to terms with your opinions on fidelity. Let's be honest: you came into this relationship for money. The other party came into it for their own reasons. More often than not, this kind of intimate agreement doesn't involve fidelity. After all, your hearts aren't in it. Is that okay with you? Is it an understanding between the two of you? Since they have the money, can they cheat, but you can't? What's the arrangement? In situations like this, sadly, it's not often understood that monogamy is involved.
- Many men and women seek out personal, material goods because now even if the other party does cheat, they have something to show for it. It somehow manages to lessen the damage. This could be an exchange you're okay with – you just have to figure out if you are okay with it or not.[4]
- Get a ring on it. If you want this lifestyle to be the rest of your life, you'll need to be looking to head down the aisle. Going from one pocket to another can be fun, but it can also be stressful if the fish in the pool seem to be running dry. Just make sure you and your lawyer read the prenuptial agreement!
- That being said, this means you're in it for life. Consider what you will do if they lose their wealth. What if the person gets into an accident? Or their stocks plummet? Or their business fails? Will you leave them because they can no longer provide, and would that be consistent with your morals?
Recognizing the Obstacles
- Expect competition. When someone has money, it's like blood in the water. Sharks will start circling trying to get a piece of it, and you're a shark yourself. You won't be alone – there will be plenty of fierce competition.[5] This is normal and comes with the territory. Walk tall and carry a big stick and you should be fine.
- You may get to a point where you have to let your partner know what you are and are not okay with. Can they schmooze with those gorgeous models openly? Is this just something you'll have to learn to be okay with? And even if you do state your needs, they may not necessarily comply. After all, that's half the glamour of having money.
- Know that if s/he is supporting you, they may expect you to be submissive. It's very common for those that do the financial supporting in a relationship to think that everything is their call. After all, they're footing the bill.[5] Your loaded honey may expect you to do whatever they want and to be happy about it. You're just along for their ride. If you can swallow that, it may work.
- This will likely not be an organic part of your personality – but is it something you can handle? Will you still be happy if this is the case? Is it worth it, being taken care of but having to be submissive? Only you know your boundaries.
- Realize that you're expected to stay beautiful and fit. Again, your sweetheart isn't going to make it rain on just anyone. Odds are he or she wants an Aphrodite or an Adonis. To meet your end of the bargain, you've gotta stay fit and looking good. They stay rich for you, you stay hot for them.
- And to expect otherwise is sort of unfair. It sounds like they're being vain and shallow, but you wouldn't be with them if they didn't have money, right? Fair's fair. You can get away with it, so they should be able to, too.
- Don't try to make them change. Another thing rich partners can often be guilty of (though not always) is not wanting to change. If you try to make them do so, oooh-weee. You may be in for a swift reality check.[5] Odds are they are set in their ways. If you don't like it, they'll find someone else who does.
- This is just another stipulation of this situation. They provide the money, you say yes. That's essentially what it boils down to. Not all men and women will be like this, of course, but some will. If it's something you don't like, you'll have to decide if it's worth the hassle or not.
- Be prepared for haters hating on you. When it's clear you're a gold digger, there will be those that enjoy name-calling and starting up the backlash. You'll be called exploitative, a "sugar baby," or an "opportunist." Those of your same sex will likely look down on you. What can you do? Brush 'em off. They'd do it too, if they could.
- Just let it slide off. There's no use getting angry or getting even. These are likely people you don't know or people you don't care about. They like brunettes, and you like big wallets. Tomato, tomahto. If you stay away from judging, they'll be inclined to do the same.
Tips
- Be nice to them. Do not abuse or demand anything from them. Be friendly, respect them, and offer them encouragement when they want to spoil you.
Warnings
- There are many documented cases of men becoming enraged, and sometimes violent after realizing they have been used for their finances. Gold digging is a common "con" used by con artists to steal money.
- Make sure they are not married, and make sure they don't have a family to support. You do not want to hurt anyone, you just want to find your own 'sugar-daddy' or 'sugar-momma' to make the both of you happy.
- Being a gold digger is considered by many to be low and morally bereft. Are you positive this is the path you wish to take in life? You may find that over time you become less happy with yourself and material items. Others will judge you and may put you into a negative light. Please carefully review your options and values before making such a decision.
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Sources and Citations
