Date Someone Who Has a Child from a Previous Relationship

Dating someone with a child from a previous relationship can be channeling. The child will always come first and you need to learn to respect and support this. By setting clear boundaries and being empathetic towards your partner, you can successfully have a relationship with someone with a child.

Steps

Starting Off

1. Ask yourself whether you can handle the commitment. If you're looking for a somewhat serious relationship, you need to factor in your partner's child. Dating someone with a child can be challenging and you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you're ready for that kind of commitment.
   • When someone is a parent, especially to young children, the kids come first. Dates and plans may change last minute due to the child's schedule. You may have to step aside more frequently than is ideal and settle for spending less time than you might like with your significant other.
   • If some has a child from a previous relationship, their ex will probably always be a part of their life. Unless the other parent is out of the picture, your partner will always have some contact with his or her ex. Are you comfortable with the boundaries your partner has set with his or her ex? Do you think there's still underlying romantic tension? If things get serious, you will probably have to meet and socialize with your partner's ex. Take all this into consideration before getting serious with a single parent.
   • Many people with children from previous relationships are guarded, at least initially, in romantic relationships. This is because everything counts more when you're a parent. If you're upset due to a romantic setback, it's difficult to function and this can affect your ability to parent. Things may move slower when you're dating a single parent, as proceeding with caution is more important to people with children.
2. Let your partner set boundaries. You should ask upfront what the boundaries are when it comes to your partner's child. Conversations like this can be difficult to initiate for a single parent. Your partner will appreciate you politely inquiring as to what the expectations are in regards to your relationship with his or her child.
   • Boundaries can be simple, like how much time you should allow them to devote to their children. For example, your partner may make it clear he or she can never go out on weeknights or can only commit to dates every other weekend. Be respectful and understanding of such restrictions.
   • There will also be restrictions about when you can meet the child. These may be less straightforward. Your partner may not have a definitive answer or timeframe. It's important not to push for introductions too soon but make it clear that, whenever your partner is ready, you would be happy to meet his or her child.
3. Have a positive outlook. When you're dating someone with a child, try not to see it a as burden or as extra baggage. Look for the positive side of the situation.
   • If your partner has a child, he or she probably has a unique perspective on life that is new to you. This can be an exciting way to open your own mind and expose yourself to different ways of thinking. How your partner thinks about work, life, and responsibility in general will be affected by his or her child. Try to see this as an opportunity for you to grow and learn.
   • While you might not to get to spend as much time as you like with your partner, the time you do spend together will be more valuable. You will be less likely to take your partner for granted and will figure out ways to make the most of the time you have. You might end up getting to know your partner through phone calls and e-mails more than face-to-face interaction, and this can heightened communication. Without the distractions of physical surroundings, you'll pay closer attention to one another's words.
   • Many kid friendly activities can actually be enjoyable for adults as well. Trips to fairs, amusement parks, and kid friendly movies may be something you come to enjoy as your relationship progresses.

Getting to Know the Child

1. Observe how your partner interacts with his or her child. It's important you're comfortable with how your partner parents. If you're not okay with your partner's parenting style for any reason, this is not a good sign the relationship is sustainable.
   • Remember, when you're dating a single parent you're becoming part of a familial unit. You have to make sure you're comfortable with the family culture at hand. Carefully observe how your partner interacts with his or her child and make sure you're comfortable with how they function as a family.
   • Being uncomfortable does not necessarily mean you feel your partner is a bad parent. However, if you do disapprove of your partner's parenting this is also a red flag. You could simply just feel out of place within your partner's family. Maybe your partner values different things than you do. He or she could be raising his or her child with a strong religious background and you're agnostic. Your partner could put a lot of emphasis on success and focus while you see yourself as more laid back.
2. Be a kind and supportive role model. If you're unfamiliar with children, you may not know how to behave around them. The good news is, there's no need to a perfect parental figure right away. You simply need to be a strong adult role model.
   • Be on your best behavior in front of your partner's child. Say "please" and "thank you" and practice good manners in general. Listen when the child talks. Offer to do small chores around the house, like helping with dishes after dinner or taking the trash out.
   • Treat your partner with kindness and respect in his or her child's presence. Show them how to treat others by treating their mother or father with kindness and courtesy.
   • You can show kindness in small ways. Pay your partner a compliment. If the child shows you something he did at school, be positive and give him praise. If your partner has bets, be kind to them, pet them, and talk to them nice.
3. Be authentic and patient during early interactions. Children can sense when you're not being yourself. Many people try to be come off as overly friendly or cool when meeting a partner's child, but this might actually be off putting. Simply be yourself and give the child time to get used to you.
   • Be yourself during initial introductions. You want the child to get to know you as a person and not a character you've created. While you should make sure the language you use and the subjects you discuss are child appropriate, you do not need to completely revamp your personality to meet your partner's child.
   • Ask the child about school, his hobbies, and his friends. Many people will feel like they should read up on what kids are into, but the easiest and most authentic way to get to know your partner's child is to simply talk to him.
   • Understand that your partner's child may be nervous about meeting you. This is completely normal. Children may even initially be rude to new romantic partners, but make sure to meet any hostility with patience and friendliness. Understand such feelings are a normal part of the introductory period and do not take them personally.
4. Be flexible. Remember, having children is unpredictable. If you're not a flexible person by nature, try to make room for leniency in your life. Plans might change due to sports tournaments, PTA meetings, and unexpected illnesses. You need to be empathetic to your partner in such situations and allow time to reschedule or revamp plans in light of the child's needs.
5. Include your partner's child in some activities. Once your partner seems comfortable with you having a relationship with his or her child, begin including the child in certain activities. Plan dates around kid friendly events and outings so your partner does not feel like he or she has to choose between you and his or her child.
   • Going bowling, skating, or to any number of sports events is a great idea as it's easy to take a child along. If there's a fair or carnival in town, suggest you all go together.
   • If you and your partner enjoy movies, see if there's a kid friendly movie you would both be interested in seeing. Many movies made for and marketed towards children can be enjoyed by adults as well.
   • Plan nights in, especially on weekends. It might be hard for your partner to go out on a Wednesday night, so offer to come over. You can cook dinner or bring over pizza and have a "family night" with board games.
6. Let your relationship with the children develop naturally. Many people, especially if things are getting serious, want to develop a close bond with their partner's children. This is important, obviously, but you cannot force a relationship. You need to let it happen naturally.
   • Let your partner got at his or her own pace. If he or she is only comfortable with you interacting with the kids once or twice a month at first, respect this.
   • Allow your partner to decide how to introduce you. You may be introduced as only a friend. Be understanding of this and do not push for terms like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" if your partner is not comfortable with them yet.
7. Never criticize your partner's parenting. Remember, you are not the parent. You are the boyfriend or girlfriend in the situation. Even if you disagree with a decision, it is not your place to criticize or interject your own opinion. Let your partner parent and observe and support this in a nonjudgmental fashion.

Getting Serious

1. Talk to your partner about taking the relationship forward. After a month or so of dating, you may want to take the relationship to the next level. This can be complicated if a child is involved and you and your partner need to be able to communicate openly about where things are headed.
   • Define the terms of the relationship. All relationships come with a set of expectations that develop naturally over time. After a certain point, however, you should have an open discussion about what you both expect. How serious are you about one another? Can you picture a future with this person? If so, how should you proceed? If not, is it worth it to continue dating for the time being?
   • In terms of physical intimacy, a child can complicate things. Sex may have to occur when the child is out of the house and it may not be possible for you spend the night. Your partner might not be comfortable having you stay overnight until you've been together for awhile. You want to make sure you're respectful of your partner's wishes and boundaries.
2. Have a serious discussion about the future. If you're in a serious relationship and your partner as a child, you should have a talk about the future. You need to know where you stand in the frame of your partner's family.
   • Do you see yourself ultimately ending up with your partner? Do the two of you want the same things in regards to family and career? Do you share similar values about raising children? Can any big differences between the two of you be reconciled in a healthy manner?
   • In the event you get engaged or married, how do you factor into the child's life? Would you be a step parent? Would you be granted any legal rights in regards to custody? Would the child refer to you as "Mom" or "Dad" or keep using your first name?
   • Meet the ex. At some point, your partner's co-parent will want to meet you. He or she will be invested in what kind of person you are as you'll be spending a lot of time with his or her child. Talk to your partner about meeting his or her ex and what the expectations are for your behavior during this meeting.
3. Consider becoming a step parent. In the event you marry or become engaged, you'll become a step parent to the child. You need to make sure you're ready for this kind of commitment.
   • Remember, needs should come before wants. Once you're a step parent, you're no longer the child's friend. You need to be able to set rules and encourage the child to their chores and homework and go to bed on time.
   • You and your partner will need to start creating new family traditions. Once you become a step parent, there will be a whole new family unit. To help the child feel like the three of you are a family, introduce new activities like board game nights, family dinners, and special games and events around the holiday season.
   • Communicate openly with your partner. It's unlikely to the two of you will always be on the same page in regards to parenting. You should keep communication open throughout the course of your relationship so that any disputes can be resolved smoothly.

Warnings

• If you're uncomfortable with your partner's parenting because you suspect abuse, you should contact Child Protective Services.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Convince Someone Not to Return to an Abusive Ex
• Handle Harassment from Your Partner's Ex
• Ask Your Ex Out
• Get Over Your Ex
• Deal With Your Ex Boyfriend Who Happens to Be a Co Worker
• Find Out if Your Ex Still Likes You
• Make a Guy That Used to Like You Like You Again
• Win Your Man Back
• Get Your Ex to Fall for You Again
• Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

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