Bring a Shy Guy out of His Shell

It can be a little tricky to bring a shy guy out of his shell, especially if you're outgoing and don't know where he's coming from. However, if you want to make a shy guy more talkative and comfortable, you have to work on asking questions that catch his interest and on letting him know that you like him so he feels more open around you. There are many tactics that can work for making a shy guy feel more comfortable, but you should know that it's hard to truly change a person who is really introverted. Still, if you put in the effort, you can go a long way in bringing a shy guy out of his shell and having a great time with him anywhere you go.

Steps

  1. See him when he is in his element. If he plays sports, go and watch the game too. Be there as he finishes a marathon. If he is giving a talk, try to arrange to be in the audience. When a shy guy is in his element, he will be at the height of his charisma and at a high point of self-confidence; he will be "in the zone" and less nervous, feeling very good about himself. And this means he will feel empowered to make a move on you if he is really interested. Now, If he is a co-worker try to keep it simple. Say 'Hello' with a big smile when you see him. That will have him thinking about you. Try to keep the questions limited.
  2. Compliment him. Notice something about him or what he is doing that you really like and praise it with a specific and sincere compliment. For example, "That blog you wrote about going to Sicily was hysterically funny and made me want to go, too!" This helps to build his self-esteem in relation to you and will tend to get him to talk more about the topic. And it may even get him to show off a bit for you. It will certainly help him to stop obsessing about your attractiveness making him too nervous to talk to you!
    • If you choose his very favorite subject, be sure you want to hear all about it. Even if you don't, be genuine and listen. You'll have your turn soon enough.
    • Be sure you make it clear that you're not only interested in him for his expertise.
  3. Say his name a lot. Give him a complimentary nickname. This indicates that you're noticing him and that he is important to you. He will be likely to bond more quickly with you when you use his name. Also, choose a complimentary nickname based on one of his qualities that you admire. For example, if he is into cycling, call him “Lance A.” This will get him to laugh and open up with you about his cycling experiences.
    • Make sure he's comfortable with anything you decide to call him. The best way to do this is to ask, simply saying something like: "Is it OK with you if I call you Lance A?"
  4. Ask open-ended questions. These kinds of questions will help a shy guy open up and talk about himself. And this will lead to him feeling known and being comfortable with you. Good examples include"
    • "How did you get interested in (your job)?"
    • "What brought you to live in the city?"
    • "How do you manage to train for a triathlon when you work full-time?"
  5. Ask for help with something. Men love to help women. Ask him to fix your computer, your car, your bike, your door—you name it. He will enjoy coming through for you and feel much more connected to you as a result. Ask him questions about what he is doing. This will get him talking more. When he is in the "helper" role, he is much more likely to share with you and be less self-conscious in the process.
    • Ask him about something he's comfortable doing. Not all guys are Mr. Fix-It. Yours may well fix his own car by taking it to a mechanic. If he doesn't know, don't embarrass him by expecting him to know.
  6. Ask about his interests. Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he enjoys. Once you find something in common, ask him if he’d like to get together some time to pursue it. Shy guys can be very interested in you, but petrified to make the first move. It is very easy to open the door to a common interest by asking about food, hobbies or other fun activities. When you hit on something you both love, you will instantly become more bonded as similarities are a key way of cementing connection between people. It is easy, then to make the first move and ask about doing the activity together.
    • This is a good litmus test that will show if he is interested or not. When you're opening the door that much, if he does not respond and make the date, chances are he is not into you.
    • Again, take interest in him, too, not just his role or activities. Hobbies and interests are good, neutral places to start, but when you're both ready, be sure to look deeper.
  7. When leaving, say you’d like to see him again. This is an easy, non-threatening way to show that you are interested in him. If he responds positively, by smiling, nodding or saying "yes" he may be feeling some attraction to you. At that point, make sure he has your contact information.
  8. Try writing notes. If either of you love to read and write, exchange notes or meet online and chat with text. It moves a little more slowly, so it gives you both time to compose your thoughts and it gives you both a chance to throw out anything that seems to come out wrong.
  9. Touch him gently or even give him a mini massage. Making physical contact actually releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so he may feel closer and start responding to you immediately through the power of touch. Gently grasp his arm or relax him by giving him a mini neck or shoulder massage. This relaxes him so that he is less up-tight and fearful. In addition, making physical contact often opens the door to him making an affectionate gesture towards you later on—where he holds your hand, puts his arm around you or kisses you.
    • Ask permission first, and make sure he's open to that sort of attention. A mini massage might be considered too forward or intimate in some circles.
    • Choose a neutral spot for that first massage. Learn, for example, to give a hand massage.
  10. Make the first move yourself. It's not illegal or even off limits, and it may come as a great relief to a guy who's a bit reserved if you ask him out. You don't have to call it a date if you don't want to. You can also be the one to broach the subject of romance, or to give (or at least offer) that first kiss or hug. Spell it out when you're ready. Some guys don't catch hints, no matter how many you drop, but don't give up.
  11. Be patient, and don't rush things. He's not going to change overnight, and there will likely be vestiges of his shyness for some time to come. Hurrying may only intimidate him, so as your relationship grows, suggest the next move, but try to take his pace. Work to build a trust that will make you both confident with yourselves and with each other when you're together.
    • Be aware that he may seem awkward around you at first. Be persistent and compassionate.

Tips

  • Keep it simple. Moving too fast can cause him to ignore you. Try to hold up just a little.
  • Be yourself. Acting will show, it will probably intimidate him, and it won't hold up in the long term.
  • Don't keep pressuring him into talking to you. Take it slow, and that way he will feel more comfortable with you in the long run.
  • Try to get him to warm up to you. Hang out with him and try to get to know him as best as you can.
  • Start with a simple 'hello'.
  • When you notice that he is not that shy try to talk to him really cheerfully, but don't be annoying or hyper. The most important thing you can do is be yourself, be happy, and be nice.
  • Cut him some slack if he seems overwhelmed by your attention. Come back later.
  • End the relationship if you need to. You don’t want to be stuck in a fantasy where you are crazy about someone who is truly not into you.
  • Never just go for asking him out see if he's really into you first.
  • If he doesn’t respond positively to each of your moves, take a good look at why. Are you moving too fast for his shyness? Is he just not into you? It's okay to ask him these things, too. A simple, "Is this something you want to try?" or "Is anything wrong?" can make up for a lot of guessing.
  • Be confident around him. If you're not confident then the guy will is not going to be able to become confident.
  • Smile at him a lot during class, but not so much that it creeps him out.
  • If your doing something with him in class try to talk with him. If it's a card game ask what numbers do you have or something simple.

Warnings

  • Don't go on about past relationships when you're first dating. That will cause him to feel really insecure and he'll wonder if he's being compared.
  • Never get jealous because other girls are talking to him. Doing so will put your relationship in an awkward spot. Try walking away when you see him talking to someone else if you're the jealous type.
  • Don't try to stalk his every move. Take your time meeting up with him in public places.
  • If you hear a rumor about him, don't pay attention to it. Try to focus on him then on what you hear.
  • Never draw attention to his seeming lack of experience in dating. Never let on that you suspect he's a virgin or inexperienced.

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Sources and Citations

  • D. A. Kirschner, Lovein 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. (New York: Center Street, Hachette Book Group), 2009 – research source
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