Change Who You Are

Everyone has, at one time or another, changed who he is. Change can happen either consciously or unconsciously. If you have decided you want to intentionally change who you are, you can do it by examining your habits, your beliefs, and your looks. Changing who you are isn't an easy process, but it can be done.

Steps

Changing Your Habits

1. Decide what you want to change. If you want to change who you are, consider the habits you do every day. What habits do you want to change? Developing new habits means letting go of old habits. For example, if you would like to make friends, but are shy and rarely go outside your ordinary routine, you might need to consider finding new habits that include other people.
   • If you are typically anxious and fearful, consider how your habits might contribute to your fears. Many people report that taking a break from social media results in more happiness.
   • Start small. It will be easier to make small changes than large ones.
2. Prioritize what you want to change. If you want to be healthier, change a habit that brings multiple benefits. For example, if you want to be healthier, a good habit to change would be to stop smoking. This will help you be healthier, allow for easier exercise, and you'll spend less money.
   • You can replace a bad habit with a good one. If you notice yourself starting to engage in the negative behavior, no matter what it is, consider what you can do instead.
   • Consider the kind of person you want to become, then think of all the habits that this new person might want to include in her life. What would be an easy habit to change? This might be a good one to start with.
   • The basic rule to remember is that you should start either with an easy habit to change or with a habit that's causing a great deal of negativity. You can decide which one to start with.
3. Use a reminder to trigger your new habit. No matter how good your intentions, if you're trying to use motivation and memory to pick up a new habit, you won't get far. A good reminder doesn't rely on motivation or memory, but rather piggy-backs on an existing good habit. So, if you're trying to improve your skin by moisturizing before bed every night, start moisturizing right after you wash your face, something you already do each night. Soon, the act of washing your face will trigger you to apply your moisturizer.
4. Repeat your new habit as often as possible. It can take a long time to learn a new habit — from 15 days to 254. Repetition is necessary to make a new habit stick. Even if you become discouraged, keep pushing forward. If you are struggling, consider a new, or easier, trigger for the new habit.
5. Think about changing your habit in terms of one day at a time. Even though you may want to change the bad habit forever, imagining the long, hard process can be daunting and overwhelming. Instead, try to think to yourself that you will change the habit today, and you're not going to think about the future. If a day seems like too long, just tell yourself you will stop for one hour. If one hour is too long, try to not do the behavior for 10 minutes. Thinking about the process one day at a time helps make it seem more manageable and can ease feelings of being overwhelmed.
   • If you're starting a new habit, try doing it at the same time every day. If it becomes part of your standard routine, you're more likely to remember to do it. For example, you might try to go on a 10-minute walk every day after dinner, or visit with your elderly neighbor every Sunday afternoon.
   • Remind yourself that you don't have to do this new habit forever, but only one day at a time. And then, the next day, focus on doing the new habit for that day, and so on.
6. Take it easy. Remember that you don't have to change everything about yourself at once. Feeling that you're a failure is a limiting belief, and one that you probably don't want to hold onto! Instead, when you're changing who you are, focus on what you're doing well. Be patient with yourself, and trust that the changes will come over time.
   • If you make a mistake and relapse into old behavior, don't stress about it. Just start again the next day.
   • You don't have to identify with your old ways of being, or with the mistakes you make as you try to learn new patterns of behavior. Instead, keep your attention focused on the person you're becoming.
7. Keep it simple. If you find that the habit you're trying to change is too difficult, consider whether you can break it down into smaller parts. For example, if you're trying to become a kinder person, start by allowing another person to have your parking space, or always holding the door open for the person behind you. You don't have to quit your job or open a food kitchen to be kind.
   • Becoming a kinder person is a large goal comprised of many small steps. All you have to do is pick one.
   • If you're trying to learn a new skill, start by focusing on it for 10-30 minutes per day. Do this every day.
8. Make a commitment to another person. Enlisting another person to help you with your goal of change is one of the most practical steps you can take. This person can be a close friend, but must be willing to serve as an accountability partner. The person must agree to check in with whatever system you've agreed to use, and take his or her role seriously.
   • Many people find that daily check-ins are most useful for accountability. Checking in every day is a way to maintain the daily routine.
   • It's possible that the other person might want to use this commitment as a way to become accountable for something herself. Having a partner who is also committing to making a change in her life can be a great motivator.
   • If you know other people who are also wanting to make fundamental changes in their lives, you might all form an accountability group. Being part of a group offers support and encouragement as you make the changes you want to make.
   • Other people might notice changes in your life before you do. Sometimes radical changes are easier to perceive from the outside than the inside.
9. Have consequences and rewards. Part of working with others means that other people will know about your success, as well as your failures. That puts into place a consequence of social motivation. If you are working by yourself, or if you want something more concrete as a consequence, incorporate rewards to provide encouragement for yourself. You can also add negative consequences to discourage yourself from slacking off in your new habit.
   • An example of a positive consequence might be to calculate how much you would have spent on cigarettes over a period of time, and purchase something nice for yourself with that money.
   • A reward can be as simple as saying "Victory!" each time you successfully complete the new habit.
   • A negative consequence might be to do a house chore you really dislike every time you allow yourself to engage in a behavior you're trying to change. For example, if you're trying to quit gossiping and you find yourself sharing the latest juicy tidbit with your coworkers, spend at least an hour scrubbing bathroom grout and toilet as a consequence.
10. Be patient. Recognize that changing who you are is a lengthy process. You might be changing in ways that are hard for you to identify, even if the habits that you're focused on changing are very concrete.
    • Remember the old adage, "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step." Even though it may not seem so, every step along the way helps cover the distance.
    • Don't quit! The only real way that you won't be able to change who you are is if you decide not to change. Keeping that in mind, and following the guidelines above, remember that changes will happen if you just keep trying.

Changing Your Personality

1. Believe that it's possible to change. The first requirement to changing an aspect of your personality is to believe that you can change. If you don't have this conviction, then your personality will remain the same. No matter what circumstances you're in, believing that you can change is the single most important contributor to success in changing your personality.
   • Most of us grew up believing that our characters or personalities were going to always be a certain way. Research now suggests that this isn't true.
   • If you don't believe you can change, think about why this might be the case. Consider what ways the aspects of your personality you don't care for might be serving you. If there are fears that are keeping you from believing that you can change, address the fears.
2. Select an aspect of your personality to change. Review the "Big Five" personality factors that psychologists agree make up the traits of a person's personality. You can use these as guidelines to begin to figure out what you'd like to change. Once you've identified the general trait you'd like to change, start to think of smaller, concrete ways to do so. Be as specific as you can about the change you'd like to make, and specifically how you'd like to make it. The Big Five are as follows:
   • Openness to Experience: This includes your willingness to experiment, depth of emotions, intellectual curiosity, and tolerance for diversity.
   • Conscientiousness: Also known as your work ethic, the facets of this personality factor includes self-discipline, orderliness, your sense of competence, and your sense of responsibility.
   • Extraversion: If you are shy, you will want to consider improving on these traits, like assertiveness, warmth, gregariousness, and your activity level.
   • Agreeableness: Traits like sincerity, modesty, trust in others, sympathy, and altruism all fall under this factor.
   • Natural Reactions: Consider how emotionally reactive you are. Do you have intense reactions to minor events? You may want to work on a trait in this personality factor, like anxiety, hostility, sensitivity to stress, self-consciousness, and self-indulgence.
   • If you're not sure what you want to change, but only feel that you want to be different somehow, spend more time thinking about what's creating your discomfort.
   • If you're still not sure how to think about this, ask for help. People who might be helpful include: your parents, a good friend, a counselor, a therapist, a religious authority, or another trusted person. The important thing is to remember that you don't have to do this alone.
3. Consider the positive and problematic aspects of new traits. Before you throw yourself into cultivating a new trait, consider how it might help or hinder your life and whether or not it aligns with your values. If you're thinking about trying to become a demure, compliant person, but your values include standing up and shouting when you see injustice or wrongdoing, then your new personality trait is going to clash with your values and may cause some confusion and discomfort. You may want to rethink traits that don't align with your values.
4. Notice your feelings about changing. The first thing to notice is how you currently identify with that aspect of your personality. Most people form their identities around their personality traits. For example, if you are quick to react with anger, you might feel nervous about letting go of that defensive aspect of your personality. You might fear that people will think you or weak or can take advantage of you.
   • Having fear about making a change in your personality is natural! It's important to acknowledge the fear, so that you can set it aside.
   • Make a plan to handle the ambivalence you might feel around making this change in your personality. Using positive affirmations, relaxation techniques, and accountability partners are all ways that people might handle any fears or reservations about making changes in who they are.
5. Visualize yourself in the new personality. Part of believing that you can change is visualizing yourself in a new life, with a new way of being. For instance, if you believe you can be an introvert, visualize yourself gaining energy from spending time alone. Develop the belief that a quiet night at home feeds your soul. Imagine yourself happily engaged in your favorite solitary activities.
   • Being willing to learn new traits means letting go of other ideas you may have once had about yourself. If you're learning to be happy alone, for instance, notice every time you start to feel like a social misfit for being by yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself for these slip-ups.
   • Notice other people who share personality traits that you'd like to cultivate for yourself, and imitate these people in your daily life.
6. Identify new role models. A role model is someone who exemplifies the kind of life, or lifestyle, you'd like to create for yourself. As you visualize yourself in the new personality, it can help to have others around you who already seem to demonstrate these qualities or characteristics.
   • For example, if you're trying to become a warmer person, notice other people who appear warm and happy when helping others. What are these people like, and what do they do? You can learn a lot by imitating them.
   • It may help you persevere in changing your life if you remember that you, too, are a role model for others. Are you living the life you want others to see and imitate? Will the changes that you're making create the kind of life you're proud of?
7. Practice your new personality trait. The more often you are able to practice your new personality trait, the more generalized it will become. Practicing your new personality in multiple settings, at all different times of day and night, is necessary for the new trait to feel natural.
   • Be alert for opportunities to act in the new way, rather than in your old way. For example, if you're practicing being spontaneous rather than cautious, invite a new friend to go roller-skating. Do things that you don't expect to do.
   • If at first it feels artificial to act in this new way, don't be surprised. As the old adage goes, "Fake it, until you make it!"
8. Try using affirmations. An affirmation is a positive statement regarding what you believe, or what you would like to believe. If you want to change who you are, you'll likely have to change the beliefs you have about yourself and your limitations. These negative beliefs are limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs can be replaced with positive beliefs, or affirmations.
   • For example, if you believe that you're the kind of person who's easily overwhelmed, exchange that belief for the idea that you have great stamina.
   • Write your own affirmation on an index card, and post it where you will see it multiple times per day. Whenever you see it, read it to yourself aloud. Gradually, this will start to become part of your conscious belief about yourself.
9. Seek coaching. Personality change coaching or counseling can help you identify which traits you want to change, and how to accomplish those changes. You can discuss your values and your vision of your ideal self, and a counselor can teach you techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, or solution focused therapy, to help you reach your goals.

Making a Change in Your Looks

1. Get a makeover. Cutting your hair, updating your makeup, trying out a new wardrobe are all ways that you can reinvent yourself. If you're making a change in your life, try changing your appearance to fit the new you.
   • Most of us need a new look every five years or so. The clothes that you wore in high school might be outdated in college. If you're a young professional, it's time to trade in your college duds for more professional outfits.
   • Look around at pictures of people who are living the life you'd like to be living to get some ideas of changes you can make in your own look.
   • Even though hair, makeup and clothing might seem to be a superficial approach to changing who you are, these things reflect your idea of yourself. The way you appear to be affects the way you are treated by the world, and the way you think of yourself.
2. Add color. Many people find themselves stuck in a rut of wearing the same colors again and again. If you've been wearing an all-black wardrobe since you were a teen, it's time to add some color. Adding new colors to your outfits creates a whole new look.
   • Get rid of any clothes you no longer want to wear. Going through your closet and donating the old clothes to charity will make space for your new self.
   • Don't forget about accessories. Adding new belts, scarves, and jewelry to old outfits can update them and make them new for you.
3. Do something dramatic with your hair. Nothing makes a statement about your new change more than changing your hair. Whether you dye it, cut it, add extensions, or shave it off, making a dramatic change in your hairstyle will have an impact on your appearance.
   • The right hairstyle can make you appear thinner, younger, and healthier.
   • Try getting a hairstyle you've never considered before, and find out how it affects who you are.
4. Simplify your look. If you're changing who you are, you'll want to develop a new basic wardrobe. If you have a clear idea of who you want to be, make sure that everything in your wardrobe backs up this basic look.
   • Have at least 10 pieces of clothing that fit your new style, and make sure they all go together.
   • These 10 pieces of clothes will be different for every person. An investment banker's core essentials will look different from a Soho artist's essentials. Pick the clothing that's right for your new look.
5. Consider a tattoo or piercing. Getting a new tattoo or piercing doesn't have to be a rebellious act. Instead, this might be a good way for you to establish that you're changing who you are. What tattoo might symbolize this for you? People often use symbols like a butterfly, mermaid, or other abstract symbols to recognize their transformation.
   • Make sure you go to clean, professional tattoo and piercing locations.
   • Realize that any tattoo is permanent. Before committing, make sure it's something you want to keep forever.

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Sources and Citations

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