Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One

If someone you know has lost a loved one it is often difficult to determine exactly what you should do to provide assistance or comfort. You may feel uncomfortable or unsure and want to wait for them to approach you, but you should start by reaching out to the bereaved person and offering your condolences. Then, try to offer emotional support by being available to listen as time goes on. You can provide comfort in a practical sense by cooking, cleaning, or even running errands for the bereaved.

Steps

Making Initial Contact

1. Choose the appropriate time to talk. In all of your interactions, make sure that bereaved person is in the proper mindset to have a discussion. They may be particularly upset or dealing with another critical issue. Ask if it is a good time to talk before going on. It also usually a good idea to talk with them one-on-one, when possible.
   • People can be particularly touchy about receiving gifts, even after a funeral, so approaching them when they are alone will maximize the odds of them accepting your offer of help.
   • At the same time, don't let waiting for the "perfect" time become an excuse for not reaching out to this person. There may never be a "good" time to talk, but you should be able to identify that some times are better than others. For instance, when they are in the middle of talking with the funeral director or arguing with their child, it's probably best to wait.
2. Offer your sympathies. As soon as you learn of the death, try to reach out quickly to the person you know. You can send an email, but it is really best if you make a phone call or go to see them in person. You don’t have to say too much in this first conversation, just a quick, “I’m so sorry,” followed by a positive comment about the deceased person is usually best. You can also promise to get a hold of them again shortly to check in.
   • It's important that your words are sincere and genuinely sympathetic. If you don't know what to say, it's okay to say something like "I wish I knew what to say. I just want you to know I'm here for you."
   • If the person who you are talking to doesn’t know you personally, make sure to offer a quick introduction letting them know how you knew the deceased. Otherwise, they may not feel comfortable talking with you. You might say, “I’m Michael Smith and I worked with Noah in the lab at NYU.”
   • If the bereaved seems almost rude or is really hasty with you, don’t take it personally. It is likely that they are overwhelmed and are not behaving as they usually do.
   • There are some things you should avoid saying. It’s generally not a good idea to talk about “moving on” in this initial conversation. You should also avoid platitudes like "He's in a better place," "It was her time," "Be strong," "I know exactly what you're going through," "There's a reason for everything." The grieving person likely doesn’t want to hear it and your words will likely not be appreciated. Instead, keep it short and simple and let them know you are there to support them.
3. State a specific offer of help. In your next conversation, it’s a good idea to follow through on your first offer of assistance. Try to be as specific as you can. This will help them to see how you can actually help and it will make it more doable on your end. Choose a certain activity to assist with and give some thought as to how much time it will take.
   • For example, if only have a limited amount of time, you could offer to pick-up the extra flowers from the funeral and donate them to a hospital or other charity.
   • Many people will make a general offer of assistance and say something like, "Call if you need me," putting it on the grieving person to ask for help. But the grieving person may be hesitant to ask for anything or be a burden on others. Instead of putting the responsibility on the grieving person, come forward with a specific offer, like "I'd like to help by bringing you dinner tomorrow so you don't have to worry about cooking. Is that alright?"
4. Accept their refusal graciously. If you offer assistance and they turn you down, it is probably best to leave it alone or try again at another date. Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. There is a good possibility that the bereaved is overwhelmed with offers and are uncertain as to how to sort everything out.
   • You might say, “I understand your hesitation. How about we talk again next week?”
5. Avoid touchy subjects. During your conversations, try to weigh the degree to which any efforts at humor would be accepted. Basically, don’t joke around unless you know the person very well. And, it is a good idea to not discuss the cause of death, unless you know the person very well too. Otherwise, they may see you as a gossip-hunter and not a sincere person.

Offering Emotional Comfort

1. Call or email often. In the long-term, try to stay in touch on a regular basis. You want to be there for them in the immediate period of grief, but also as they face difficulties moving forward. Look over your schedule and try to determine a few times a week that are most convenient for you to make a quick phone call or send a fast email.
   • It is a particularly good idea to check in with the bereaved over any holidays as these can be times of loneliness and negative feelings following a death.
   • Try to walk a fine line between being there for the bereaved person and pestering them. And, some people simply wish to mourn without interacting with too many other people. Try to find out about their needs rather than imposing yourself on them. At the end of one conversation, you might get an idea for their wishes by saying, “I was thinking about calling you next week to see how everything is going then, will that be okay?”
2. Offer to stay with them. Some people suffer from physical loneliness following the death of a loved one. They simply miss having someone else around, who they trust, in their home. If you think this might be the case, you can offer to stay a few nights over at their place, especially until the funeral arrangements are made.
   • Make this offer more enticing by offering to do something that they enjoy, such as spending an evening knitting or watching an action movie.
3. Give them the chance to talk about the past. Let them know that you are comfortable discussing the life and death of the deceased person. You can start by referring to the deceased by their name and then seeing if the bereaved person will follow suit. You can also talk about certain memories that you have and see if they will join in.
   • You might say, “Remember how Samantha loved this movie so much? I always liked watching it with her.”
4. Follow the lead of the bereaved person. It is quite possible that they will not want to discuss the deceased person with you. Instead, they may want to talk about more trivial matters, such as what movies you’ve seen recently. If the bereaved person tries to change the direction of the conversation or simply says, “I don’t want to discuss this right now,” then follow their wishes and move on to something else or end the conversation at that point.
5. Offer silent comfort. You don’t have to talk to provide comfort. It may be a good idea to simply sit next to the person or offer them a hug. You could also give them tissues if they are crying. Or, if you are comfortable with this, you could hold their hand or arm. This lets them know that you are there for them without being overbearing.
6. Be available for formal remembrance activities. Depending on the bereaved, they may want to do something beyond the funeral to remember the deceased. As time goes on, let them know that you are there to help and will attend as well. You can also offer suggestions, such as buying a brick from the deceased’s alma mater or donating to a particular cause.
7. Offer your presence at a support group. If you notice that the bereaved is not coping well with their loss, then you might suggest that they attend a bereavement support group. You can find a group in your area by searching online. Funeral homes or hospitals can often suggest groups as well. Make sure to offer to attend the group with the bereaved person, or they might take offense to your suggestion.
   • This is a very touchy subject, so it is important to proceed carefully or you could offend the bereaved person. You might say, “I’ve heard about groups in the area that meet to talk about loved ones who have passed away. I don’t know if it is your type of thing, but I would be happy to go with you, if you’d like.”

Offering Practical Comfort

1. Serve as a conduit for information. After the death there is a good possibility that the bereaved will be overwhelmed by people approaching them wanting information. You could offer to post details on social media and to monitor their accounts. You could also reach out to any insurance people ASAP.
   • Part of this task could also involve keeping track of any necessary paperwork, such as death notices. These documents will often be required by credit card and utility companies if accounts need to be closed.
   • You could also organize a phone chain if the deceased was well-known and there are a large number of people to be contacted all at once.
2. Help with the funeral services. This is a huge area to cover, so there are a variety of ways that you can help. You could sit-in on meetings with the funeral home. This might involve discussing the finances of a funeral or the deceased’s particular requests. You could help to write or publish the obituary. You could write thank-you notes or arrange for donations to be funneled to certain charities.
   • On the day of the funeral itself, you could be of assistance by acting as an usher or assisting the bereaved person in getting ready. You could also act as a liaison between the bereaved and the funeral director.
3. Offer to cook and clean for the household. Many people who are bereaved simply don’t have the time, or the desire, to attend to basic chores around the home. Use your cooking talents to whip up a few quick meals, especially anything that could be frozen for later use. Bring over some cleaning items and do a fast clean over the house, paying particular attention to the high-traffic areas. Make sure that you have the bereaved’s permission, of course.
4. Investigate how to help financially. If the deceased passed without leaving enough funds to cover their expenses, the bereaved person may bear the burden of figuring out how to pay for a funeral. See if you can help by organizing some sort of fundraising drive either online or in person. There are websites, such as GoFundMe, which are specifically designed for these types of purposes.

Tips

• If you don’t know the person that well, it is fine to send a nice card and write a few lines inside expressing your sorrow.

Warnings

• If the bereaved appears to be falling into depression, it may be time to see if you can get them to seek out professional counseling assistance.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Die Peacefully
• Make Preparations for a Funeral
• Cope with Loss and Pain
• Pay Your Respects when Someone You Know Dies
• Let Someone Go
• Write a Eulogy
• Tell a Good Friend That You Are Dying
• Write a Eulogy Speech
• Dress For a Funeral
• Write a Thank You Note After a Funeral

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