Communicate to Save Your Marriage

There are moments in every marriage when communication comes to a standstill. Hurt feelings, past events, and stubbornness can make it feel impossible to go back to the way things used to be. But changing the way you listen to your spouse and express yourself in conversation can help you make things right. See Step 1 and beyond to learn tools to help you save your marriage, starting right now.

Steps

Being Empathetic

1. Have compassion for your spouse's point of view. When you're feeling angry, isolated, or worn out, it can be difficult to see beyond your own problems. Your needs aren't being met. you feel you're giving more than you're getting, and you're at the end of your rope. But what about your spouse? How does he or she feel? As difficult as can be to wrench your mind from your problems to someone else's, this step is essential for better communication.
   • If it's hard to know how your spouse is feeling, ask yourself how you'd feel if you were him or her. How would you feel if you had your spouse's difficult work demands? How would you feel if your commute took 2 hours a day? For every obstacle your spouse is dealing with, ask yourself how it would make you feel.
   • Look at how your own behavior affects your partner. Is it possible that your behaviors are affecting your partner in a negative way? Every time you feel the urge to make a critical remark, put yourself in his or her shoes first. For example, when you give him or her the cold shoulder, think about what it would be like if your spouse ignored you when you walked in the door.
2. Hear your spouse out. Communication is as much about listening as it is about expressing yourself. When your spouse tries to explain something to you, do you listen? Listening means really hearing what someone's saying and doing your best to understand his or her point of view. In doing this, you can take the conversation to a deeper, more intimate and honest level.
   • If your mind is running a mile a minute while your spouse is talking, and you're thinking up retorts before he or she finishes talking, you aren't really listening. Put your own feelings aside while your partner is talking.
   • Use encouraging body language to help your partner feel heard. Face him or her and have a pleasant open expression. Don't frown or act bored. You might be doing this without even realizing the effect you're having.
3. Temper your reactions. Try to take the time to think before you speak. Think about the consequences of what you're about to say. Think about how to frame your words so that they are clear and honest, but not hurtful. Lashing out, interrupting, leaving the room, and shutting down are all unproductive reactions that will cut off communication instead of fostering it.
4. Try mirroring. Sometimes people have difficulty completely understanding what their partner is trying to get across. It's easy to misinterpret someone's words and end up feeling angry or hurt, and in the meantime your partner is baffled at your response. Mirroring is a practice that can help resolve this issue. After your spouse tells you how he or she feels, repeat your interpretation of what he or she said. Your partner should then acknowledge that that's what he or she meant. Have your partner mirror you as well. This will help you understand each other's communication styles better.
   • If one partner says, "I feel left out when you go out on Fridays and leave me to stay home by myself." The mirror response would be, "What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely when I go out with my buddies on Fridays. I can understand how that would feel."
   • If one partner says, "You always say something critical when I try something new." The mirror response would be, "I hear you saying that I can be overly critical. I can understand how that would make you feel hesitant to try new things."
5. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This is the person you married. Trust, honesty, and good intentions are the foundation of your relationship. Believe your partner when he or she tells you something, even if it's hard to swallow. Believing someone else's words helps that person feel heard, respected and loved.
   • Believe in your partner's feelings and emotions. Believe in his or her decisions. Respect his or her way of doing things, from handling problems at work to putting the kids to bed to cleaning the bathroom and making the bed.
   • If dishonesty has crept into your relationship, if you disagree with your partner on a fundamental level, or if you have good reason not to give him or her the benefit of the doubt, there are deep problems at hand. Seek marriage counseling so that you have the right tools for rebuilding trust.
6. Make eye contact and touch each other. When your partner confides in you, look into his or her eyes. Move closer to him or her on the sofa. These physical expressions of intimacy will help your spouse feel more comfortable talking. Anger and disrespect are less likely to take hold of the conversation when you're feeling physically close.
   • You can communicate without speaking, too. Pull your spouse closer for a hug, or rest your feet on his or her lap. Not everything has to be spoken aloud.
7. Initiate intimacy. Having regular sex can help you and your partner feel close and compatible again. It will help you release tension and remember your love for one another. If you've been having communication problems, it might be hard to make the move. You might be afraid you'll be rejected. But if you don't give it a try, you'll drift further and further apart. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
   • Make your partner feel safe and cared for. Don't bring up problems or pick fights when you're lying in bed together. That's your time to connect on a level that's deeper than life's daily annoyances or long-term obstacles. Protect that time.

Expressing Yourself

1. Be open with your partner. When you keep your problems or worries secret, they'll begin to build in your mind and become a wall between you and your spouse. You don't have to tell your partner every little worry, but when something is important, keeping it to yourself will eventually backfire. When you're open with your partner, you can work on ways to solve the problem together.
   • You know the difference between an insignificant matter and one that deserves your partner's attention. Be honest with yourself, even if it's difficult.
   • Depending on what your partner is like, there could be an actual drawback to saying too much. If your partner is the quiet type who doesn't like to discuss every little thing, be mindful of this and don't make mountains out of molehills.
2. Time important conversations wisely. If you bring up an important issue at the wrong time, what could have been an intimate, productive discussion could quickly escalate into an argument. Don't try to have an important conversation when one of you is in a hurry, tired, hungry, or distracted. If it seems like one of these factors is always at play, try setting aside time for having a quiet talk. Make sure both of you come to the conversation ready to communicate.
   • Catching your partner off guard with bad news or a heavy topic can actually cause a physical reaction: the overproduction of the stress hormone cortisol. Your partner will feel flooded with anxiety, making it very difficult for him or her to participate calmly in a conversation.
   • Consider planning a daily or weekly event during which you and your partner have time to talk without distractions. Weekend mornings or evenings after dinner are both good choices.
   • If your partner isn't in the mood to talk, don't force it. Ask if you can plan a later time to have the discussion instead.
3. Keep your emotions in check. If you tend to break down crying right away or get flustered and angry during intimate conversations, your partner will come to dread them. Don't try to have a talk when you're feeling anxious and upset; wait until you feel calm and centered. You don't want to transfer your negative emotions to your partner - that's a recipe for an argument.
   • This is not to say that it's never ok to express your emotions with your partner - of course it is! Being emotionally closed off is just as bad or worse than expressing too much emotion. But keeping your feelings in check rather than dumping them all at once can help you get on the same wavelength when you're trying to communicate about something important.
   • Do your best not to yell at your partner in anger. Not only is this unproductive, it can make your partner feel afraid.
4. Know the right way to argue. Every married couple has arguments. It's when they spiral out of control into personal attacks and accusations that they become toxic to the relationship. It's very important to express yourself reasonably and respectfully when you're arguing. Never resort to screaming, name calling, or expressing disgust for your partner. You'll be doing the type of damage that's extremely hard to repair.
   • You know your partner's buttons; don't push them. Keep them completely off limits, no matter how angry and upset you are. The goal is not to hurt your partner, it's to make yourself understood. Being mean isn't going to help that happen.
   • There are a few things you should never utter to your spouse. Don't say "I hate you." Don't say "Let's just get a divorce." Don't say "I never loved you." Don't say any of those words unless you actually mean them, because once you say them you can't take them back, and you can bet your partner will never forget.
5. Begin your statements with "I," not "you." Nothing brings on an argument faster than an accusation that begins with the word "you." "You didn't pay that bill." "You didn't call when you said you would." "You messed up again." This phrasing puts people on the defensive, flushed with bad feelings, and they usually react by upping the ante or closing down communication - neither of which is a positive outcome. So when there's a matter you want to bring up, phrase it in a way that doesn't sound accusatory. Here are a few examples:
   • "I noticed that bill hasn't been paid. Would you mind doing that this afternoon?"
   • "I understand how busy you've been, but I would really appreciate it if you'd help with the kids this weekend."
6. Say more positive things than negative things. Research has shown that couples who say more positive things than negative things to their partners have stronger, longer-lasting marriages. For every criticism, have five nice things to say. Maybe it will feel like a struggle at first, but once you get in the habit, saying nice things to your partner will remind you both of the love you share.
   • Compliment your partner on things he or she did well.
   • Say something nice about his or her personality, like "You're always optimistic. I love that about you."
   • Say something sweet about his or her body.
   • Say "I love you."
7. Resist the urge to win. You and your spouse are on the same team. You joined in marriage because you wanted to face the world together, not make it harder for each other. There's really no such thing as "winning" a mean-spirited argument. Even if you successfully got your way, you lost, because being competitive with your partner erodes trust and chips away at a relationship's foundation.
   • Even when you know you're right and your partner's wrong, you shouldn't take satisfaction in his or her "defeat." Instead, come back together and reassess your priorities so they're aligned again.
8. Lighten things up sometimes. Couples that laugh together and have fun together keep the spark alive for much longer than those who don't. Life is full of troubles, but it's important to focus more on the joy together. There's light to be found in even the darkest moments. If you're not one to joke around, your partner will be pleasantly surprised when you start making an effort to bring laughter into your relationship.
9. Never dig out past conflicts, no matter how tempted you are. There's nothing either of you can do about something that happened in the past. All you can do is change your future behavior. Don't dwell!
10. Don’t hesitate to say “I am sorry.” These are the wonder words that make your partner lose all anger. In fact, it leaves no room for further debate. Be willing to concede when you were in the wrong. Stubbornness isn't going to help your relationship.

Tips

• Taunting, scorning, commenting, and teasing are not the right ways to save a marriage. There are many people who hurl verbal abuses at their partner and when their partner retaliates with a divorce paper in hand, they cry, “save my marriage!” First learn to respect your partner and treat him/her as you would want to be treated yourself.
• Remember your best memory with your spouse before talking about anything upsetting, and not focus too much on the negative.

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Sources and Citations

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