Compliment Your Kids

As a parent, you are probably aware of the unique power of well-timed praise. Praise can motivate, encourage, and build strong traits in your child, if it’s done correctly. Give your kids compliments that help instead of hurt. Do so by choosing the appropriate timing and the right content. Then, be sure to heighten the power of your praise by applying other helpful strategies.

Steps

Selecting the Right Words

1. Be specific. Generalities don’t make for great compliments. Show your child that you’re really paying attention by offering clear and specific praise. Instead of saying, “What a beautiful painting, Meghan!” you might say “Meghan, I really like the colors you chose for your painting. The swirl of blue and pink is beautiful.”
2. Focus on effort, not outcome. Most compliments refer to the outcome rather than what it took for the child to reach it. But, that makes praise ineffective unless the outcome is stellar. Praise your child no matter the outcome by speaking about their effort. This works better because a child can’t always control the outcome, but they can control their effort.
   • High-five your child and say something like, “You practiced hard in band today, Ben!”
3. Remark on good strategy. Good praise is not person-oriented, but process-oriented. In addition to praising your child’s effort, another helpful method is to speak highly about the strategy they used.
   • For example, your daughter is struggling with reading until she changes her study habits to include drawing pictures that help her explain the story and its characters. You might praise her by saying, “Reilly, your new way of studying seems to be really paying off! I can tell that you’re starting to like reading more now.”
4. Nix the comparison praise. A go-to type of praise is saluting a child for doing better than their peers. While social-comparison praise may make a child more motivated, it also teaches kids to focus on competing rather than mastering a skill. Plus, this sort of praise only works if your child continues to outperform others.
   • For instance, you don't want to say "Jessica, you are so much smarter than your classmates" when your child wins the spelling bee. Instead, say something like, "You won the spelling bee, Jessica! You must have worked really hard, sweetie!"

Choosing the Right Moment

1. Aim for quality over quantity. It’s understandable that you want your kids to feel good about themselves at all times. But, too much praise can make it lose its power. Either the child will start depending on praise or they will stop believing your words.
   • Instead of praising for any and every little thing your child does, time praise for optimal impact. For example, tell your middle-schooler, “You made an “A” on your math quiz, Ryan! I can tell you must have studied hard.” But, skip the praise if your child always passes their math quizzes.
2. Wait until you mean it. Empty, insincere praise is noticed by children. A monotonous “Great job!” or “Awesome!” thrown around when they didn’t actually try hard or when you don’t actually mean it can make your child distrust you. Instead, save your compliment for when you are truly impressed.
3. Resist praising the obvious. Telling your daughter every day that she looks beautiful may seem wonderful on the outset, but over-praising general characteristics or skills that come easily can backfire.
   • For instance, praising a kid for an easy task that they have long since mastered can make them wonder whether you think they’re incompetent or whether you can’t figure out how easy the task actually is.
4. Keep it mostly in the home. Parents love to gush about their kids’ accomplishments, but doing so in front of an audience may not be the best time. Telling your friends and anyone else who will listen about your kid’s successes can create even more pressure for your child to perform. Some children may even be embarrassed by public praise.
   • Wait until you get home and share the excitement with your spouse. Do it in front of the child by saying something like, “Honey, Todd has been practicing really hard in baseball.” This works better than boasting to your friends that “Todd’s the best baseball player on the team!”

Optimizing Your Praise

1. Build a solid connection with your kids. Sometimes, parents use excessive praise as a stand-in for a real connection with their kids. Showing that you noticed an increase in a grade or improvement in a skill isn’t the same as sitting side-by-side with your child, helping them to improve.
   • You can strengthen the power of your praise by having a strong core relationship with your kids. Spend one-on-one time with them. Talk about their successes and struggles often, and help them brainstorm ways they can improve.
2. Give them opportunities to make mistakes. Parents often lean heavily on empty praise when their child isn’t taking on any new challenges. You run out of things to say, so you repeat the same general statements. Your child can build a sense of autonomy if you regularly help them identify new skills to try, and praise them for their efforts in these activities.
   • Letting them do things on their own shows that you believe in their abilities, which counts much more than empty praise.
3. Be age-appropriate. The manner in which you praise your child should evolve over time, depending on your child’s developmental stage and unique needs. Typically, younger children require more praise than older children because they have fewer successes under their belt. When your child starts to see themselves as capable of mastering a skill, they don’t count on praise as much.
   • Young children thrive on the observe-comment variety of praise. You see them do something noteworthy and exclaim it, like “Wow, you did it!”
   • Older children require more specifics in terms of their effort or strategy, such as “You have really been practicing on the recital music, Joe. Your sound is incredible!”
4. Skip the bribes. Many parents lean heavily on tangible rewards to get their children to continue positive behaviors. However, parenting experts suggest refraining from using cash as a form of praise.
   • On one hand, cash doesn’t allow you to expound on why they deserve praise, such as effort or strategy. Also, getting cash doesn’t help your child build an appetite for mastery as an internal motivator—they are simply doing it for the money.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Ready a Young Child for Ballet Class
• Inspire Creativity in Your Kids
• Encourage Kids to Read
• Play an Active Role in Your Child's Education
• Raise Smart Children
• Identify a Gifted Child
• Be Patient When Doing Homework with Your Young Child
• Help Your Child Choose a Musical Instrument to Study
• Build Children's Confidence
• Motivate Kids to Do Well in School

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