Cope When You Both Like the Same Guy and He Might Like You

When you’re friends with someone, chances are you like a lot of the same things, from clothes to movies to pastimes. But what happens when you both like the same guy? While it can be upsetting and discouraging if your crush likes your friend, it can be extremely awkward and uncomfortable if your crush likes you. There are a few things you can do to navigate this tricky situation.

Steps

Speaking To Your Friend

1. Be honest about the situation. It might be scary or intimidating, but put all of your thoughts and feelings on the table. If you really like this boy, tell her. If he’s hinted or flat out told you that he returns those feelings, tell her. While it may hurt your friend at first, it will feel worse if she feels like you’ve lied or left her in the dark.
   • This is especially important if this is a very close friend that you share everything with. If you start a relationship with this guy secretly, she will automatically be distrustful or resentful of it, and you could really hurt her feelings.
2. Put yourself in her shoes. When you have a crush on someone and the feeling is returned, it feels pretty awesome; however, try to imagine or remember what it’s like when those feelings aren’t returned. Recognize that your friend may feel really down in the dumps, and take care not to gloat or shove your happiness in her face.
   • When you are with her, remember that it's okay to talk about your crush, but don't let him be the only thing you talk about. If she is hurt the crush might be a sore topic.
3. Tell her what you plan to do. You need to decide this before going into the conversation. It’s entirely up to you to decide how to proceed in this situation. You can tell her that you really like this guy, you want to date him, but you won’t go forward with it unless you have her blessing. Alternatively, you can tell her that you plan on pursuing a relationship with him, and you’d like her support.
   • Evaluate the consequences (both good and bad) of dating your crush before you decide what to do. Think about how this might impact your relationship with your friend, and if you like this guy enough to risk straining, harming, or even ending your friendship. Is this just a casual crush or someone you can see getting serious with? Think about your friend's personality — does she have a hard time moving on from things? Is she the type who would see this as a betrayal, or be sad for a little while and then bounce back? Weigh the pros and cons of pursuing this relationship so you can go into the conversation with your friend with eyes wide open.
   • If you tell your friend that you will not date him unless she’s comfortable with it, you need to stick to that. Keep in mind that if your friend disapproves of your relationship, it can cause a major strain on it.
   • At the end of the day, it is your life. If you want to date your crush with or without your friend’s approval, you can; however, you should be prepared for the consequences to your friendship.
   • You can still be caring toward your friend even if you decide to date your crush without her approval. You could say, “I really care about you and our friendship, and I’m excited about possibly dating John. I hope that you can eventually be happy for me. I will not let my dating life get in the way of our friendship.”
4. Respect your friend’s emotions. Whether she is angry, upset, or jealous, she is still your friend. You do not have to change your plans based on her emotions, and you do not have to agree with everything she says, but you should be a kind person. Remember, she is probably hurt that her crush has chosen you. Be gentle, honest, and loving while she heals from rejection.
   • This is particularly important if she’s been a long-term, loyal friend. Your crush may be really great, but your friend is too. It’s OK (and human!) to want relationships with both, but take care not to neglect your friend for this guy.

Communicating With Your Crush

1. Tell your crush your feelings. If you’ve told your friend how you feel, you might as well clue him in too. While sometimes a crush consists of flirting and subtle hints, it will make the situation easier on everyone if you know where your crush stands. For example, there’s no need to do damage control on your friendship if you discover he likes someone else!
   • Once both of your feelings are out in the open, you are able to decide how to proceed.
2. Keep the situation with your friend private. In other words, don’t betray your friend by blabbing to your crush about her. She may like him and she may be hurt — but that doesn’t mean he needs to know that. Talk to your crush about your own feelings, and let your friend keep hers private if she wishes. Your friend will be hurt and embarrassed if she discovers you’ve been airing her dirty laundry to a boy she has feelings for.
   • A good rule of thumb is to simply speak for yourself. Talk only about your own feelings and desires, not anyone else’s.
3. Take things slow. If the feelings are mutual and you want to proceed with a relationship, take your time. Let your friend adjust to the idea of you two being together before you change your Facebook status and start bringing him as a date to everything. A slow and steady start can make for a healthy, solid relationship, too.
   • That doesn’t mean you need to lie to your friend and pretend that things aren’t happening with your crush. It just means letting her cope with the situation at a slower pace.
   • If your crush doesn’t respect or understand your need to take things slowly, he may not be the right guy for you after all.

Going Forward

1. Be discreet with your actions. Just because your friend has given her approval, that probably doesn’t mean she wants to see you holding hands or kissing all the time. Respect her enough to keep your PDA and pet names to a minimum in her presence. If you want to call your boyfriend Hot Lips and sit on his lap in private, that’s your prerogative. Your friend doesn’t need to see that though. On that note, your friends who never had a crush on him probably don’t want to see that either, so keep the PDA to a minimum.
2. Nurture your friendship. Don’t neglect your friend in order to spend all your time with this boy. A new relationship can be exciting, and it’s easy to want to spend all your time with your crush; however, you need to show your friend that you value your friendship and aren’t going anywhere.
   • If your friend tries to pull away because of hurt feelings, give her space but let her know that you cherish your friendship. You “won” the guy, so be loving and gracious with your friend.
3. Wait until she’s moved on to “gush.” If your new boyfriend sends you a dozen roses and writes you a sonnet, it’s only natural to want to spill all the details to your friend; however, you should just wait. Until she’s solidly moved on, just bite your tongue when it comes to that kind of conversation. It will only seem like you’re rubbing her face in your good fortune, and it could make her resentful. Enjoy your relationship privately, and separate it from your friendship — at least for awhile.

Tips

• If pursuing your crush means hurting your friend very deeply, think long and hard about it. Throughout your life, you will most likely have many significant others. Good friends are very valuable, and typically more long-term.

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• Dump Your Boyfriend Without Hurting Him
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Sources and Citations

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