Cope With Being Married to a Neat Freak when You Are a Slob

They say opposites attract. Whether that's true or not, when two people come together in matrimony, there is a lot of change and adapting that needs to take place. Living together with someone will bring you face to face with all sorts of differences you weren't aware existed between the two of you prior to marriage.

All in all, the key is to stay strong. Differences can be overcome with communication and compromise; these are what separates a lasting relationship from a short lived one.

Nevertheless, the meeting of a neat freak and a slob can be a volatile combination in a household, as one person runs about tidying up what the other person believes doesn't need to be touched. Coming together on common ground can take time but it is possible!

Steps

  1. Write a list of the top five things that annoy you the most about your spouse's neat freak habits. It need not be five exactly, but keep the number relatively low. Then, write down ways to compromise on what you dislike about the habit, and what you're willing to do as your part of the compromise. The idea behind doing this is that you'll present these concerns to your spouse, or at least use this as to brainstorm what to say to your spouse, along with factual situations to back up your points. For example:
    • "I dislike how my wife shifts all of my book piles away from the side of my bed. I propose we buy a bookcase to put them in so that I stop making piles and she stops moving them out of the bedroom."
    • "I dislike how my husband keeps shifting the pantry goods around into an order that he thinks works. It'd be okay if he did most of the cooking but he doesn't and I can't find anything. I propose we spend an afternoon sorting the pantry into an order that works principally for me but that he understands well enough to use as it is and to leave my order alone."
    • "I dislike how my spouse washes the towels after every single use. It's a waste of water and I can't bear clean towels every day as they're not soft. I propose that we have a talk about why my spouse needs to do this and to perhaps find a way of keeping my towel unwashed for a week."
    • "I hate the arguments we have about my clothes piles. I'll be the first to admit they're messy but I don't have time or the interest in doing much else while our bedroom is such a mess. I propose that we visit a bedroom storage store together and find really easy-to-use storage containers that I can dump my clothes into so that she feels happier and I don't feel like it's so hard to keep the piles from happening."
  2. Sit down with your spouse at a time you're both relaxed, calm, and in no hurry to get anywhere. A weekend is a good time, or perhaps during a vacation.
  3. Begin addressing the situation by telling your spouse the problem. Naturally, avoid the use of accusing words or phrases, such as "You always shift my books before I've had a chance to read them! You think they're better off in the bookcase but that just means they don't get read!" In just saying that you have told your spouse that it's their fault that the books aren't getting read and that they "always" do something to annoy you. That is not going to win over your spouse and is a sure argument starter. Instead use "I messages," speaking from your feelings. For example:
    • "I'm feeling frustrated with how you for an example organize my shirts. It makes me feel like I'm not supportive of you because I'm not as neat, and I don't like that."
    • "I'm feeling upset when my desk is cleaned without asking me. I have a method to my mess and I can't find things for days after it's cleaned up and that holds up my work progress."
  4. Let your spouse say something if they wish. If your spouse gets defensive, stay calm. Wait until they're done, and then propose your compromises, explaining why you chose those particular habits in a non-accusing manner. This is a big leap on your behalf because you're acknowledging that you are making a choice to be a slob and that you realize that some habits can certainly be changed; be sure to acknowledge this fact openly.
  5. Spend some time exploring options for compromise. In the first step, you already broached the possibilities for compromise by coming up with your ideas for compromises. You'll need to ask for your spouse's thoughts on compromises and reach agreed a middle ground that fixes up most of the problem for both of you. Don't worry if you need to make several attempts at reaching the right coping space. It's all part of being open with one another and trying out things until the rhythm of your home life together works better.
    • Make an action plan. In this plan, prioritize which rooms will remain less cluttered than before so that there is a "middle ground" (living room, bedroom, etc.) and set aside one part of the house each in which clutter or total cleanliness is always permitted. In addition, plan to share chores daily or weekly in small amounts.
  6. Discuss your partner's feelings about the compromises. After trying them out for a bit, if the compromises seem unfair to either one of you, go back to the drawing board and renegotiate them. Be open, and realize that old habits die hard. Both of you will need to leave room for erring and reorienting doing the things that you're used to doing "just so".
  7. Don't over stress if your partner is unwilling or unproductive with the compromises. Show them the compromises work. If they start to falter, hold up your side of the compromise and in doing so, help them to notice that it's important to you, and as such, should be to them. This is about your relationship, after all.
    • Keep in mind that progress is measured differently by the neat freak and by the clutter slob. For the slob, clearing up takes a lot more time and effort, and includes a lot of emotional churning to deal with the clutter. For the neat freak, anger can build up into resentment that things aren't improving fast enough and it's important to learn to stifle the criticism and to control the frustration realizing that the time needed is probably longer than the neat freak would like.
    • Keep another factor in mind: the neat freak may get more results in less time through practice and know-how. Many slobs aren't lazy, they try just as hard as neat freaks but don't have as much experience. Observe the ways each partner does the same chore at a time when that partner's in a good mood and motivated to do a good job. Time it. Discuss methods of cleaning. Military people often clean much faster and more efficiently than civilians because they're taught how in basic training.
  8. Be patient. Change takes time. Realize that this is a gradual process; neither of you can make a decision to no longer be a neat freak or a slob because that characteristic as a whole is made up of very many little parts, each one needing tackling. The most important thing is to tackle the particular habits that cause either of you to feel discomfort, unhappiness, or outright annoyance and to learn to live with the rest.
    • Look for the silver linings – there are many. For example, a neat freak keeps things tidy and in good shape so that you can receive those visitors and don't succumb to hoarding too much. And a slob lets a neat freak learn to let down their hair now and then and not worry so much if the sofa cover is slightly awry or the books aren't dusted this week. Both of you have a wonderful opportunity to learn much from one another about compromise, acceptance, and learning to love the negative parts about ourselves we often try to bury.

Tips

  • Some chores need not be shared. Keeping the living room acceptable for visitors is a shared chore both benefit from. Hanging everything in the closet exactly by color and length is more personal to the neat freak, so it becomes the neat freak's responsibility to keep it that way. The office can be cleaned but the desk top needs to be left alone for the messy-desk thinker to function. Dividing all chores fifty-fifty is not always the best solution.
  • Don't criticize your partner's attempts to change when they're not immediately successful or doing things your way. It's as emotionally hard for a neat freak to lighten up as it is for a slob to start cleaning up. Watch for progress and encourage it, show your appreciation.
  • Don't give up, but don't be too stubborn. Keep your mind open to your spouse's feelings, but stay firm on your own.
  • Start small, then work your way to the best compromise.

Warnings

  • Don't forget, you have to sacrifice too. This is a shared journey of compromises, not a one-way fix.
  • Be aware that sometimes your spouse may have a psychological issue in need of treatment. For example, cluttering can occur as a result of depression or hoarding disorder; neat freaks might suffer from perfectionism in overdrive or obsessive compulsive disorder. Take care to address these possibilities with a mental health professional if needed. And be understanding if your spouse suffers from a mental illness that is adding to the household challenges.
  • Remember, you need to check yourself first. Do you have a problem with clutter and holding onto things too tightly? Could you be a hoarder? Do you need treatment?
  • Be aware that you or your spouse may have physical issues or conditions you're not aware of or that neither of you are aware of. Differences in height can make one set of shelves completely out of reach. Back trouble may mean tasks involving bending cause serious back trouble, sometimes cumulative. Chronic fatigue is a symptom of many different diseases and can affect a person's ability to keep up with housework - a partner with chronic illness of any kind may be prioritizing work and other things in life ahead of keeping clean before they even know they have chronic disease. It's very common for chronic disease to be mistaken for depression because pain and exhaustion reduce people's ability to handle day to day stresses or activities.

Things You'll Need

  • Storage items (optional)
  • Storage unit

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