Live Together After Having a Long Distance Relationship
Congratulations! You have decided to share a home with your long-distance partner. Whether you have dated "in person" before taking this step or it is a full-on turn-around from dating "online only" to being more than roommates, these essential points should be thought over before you carry in the boxes.
Steps
- Assess the situation beforehand - together. Talk about living together often before you actually do it. Obviously, visiting each other in your far-away respective homes does not reflect the everyday life you will have together, since at least one of you is always on vacation whenever you meet. If you do have chances to visit, be aware of "the little things" that characterize your home and the home of your partner. What are the things you find endearing? What are the differences?
- Be realistic. Of course you have been waiting to be together for a long time. Many conversations started out with "When we live together, we will...all the time. That will be so cool!" Try to lose the rose-colored glasses and be aware that some things might annoy you about each others habits or preferences. That is completely normal and you - just like many other couples - will be able to sort it out together. Just don't expect YOUR cohabitation to be "totally different" because you are looking forward to it so much.
- Make a list of things that are important to you. Rank them in the order of their priority. Try not to include more than 3-5 "must-haves" on your list, and no "not-at-all-possibles". Ask your partner to make a list as well. Then go over your lists together with an open mind. Be prepared to compromise. (S)he might be willing to compromise on something they are not too keen on (like having a dinner table the size of Kansas), so be willing to compromise as well. It's a give and take.
- Take care of all the paperwork first. Make sure all the bureaucratic issues are taken care of if you are an international couple. Your partner might need a residency permit or a green card. Research all of the information on the website of your country's ministry of foreign affairs. If you are both planning to live together in a country that is foreign to both of you, make sure you have all the necessary documents and valid passports well in advance.
- Be aware of each others personal living style. Are you a neat freak or more free and chaotic? If you have completely different styles, try to make arrangements that can accommodate both of you without being stifling. There is no point in pretending you are effortlessly neat if you're not. Not only is it dishonest, but eventually you will go back to who you really are. Be open about that from the start to make it easier for both of you. For example, find an apartment that allows you to have a desk/workplace that you can organize any way you like without messing up the ambiance of a room or getting into each others way, if that is your main priority.
- Different approaches can be helpful here. If you don't care about having a "personalized" desk, for example, but you can't live without having the bed facing the window or setting up your recliner in the living-room even though your partner thinks it's hideous, work from there and give them their "favourite" space to set up or decorate. The ultimate goal is to create as much comfort and feeling at home as possible for both of you in your own way.
- Take into account the environment. Depending on whether you both will move to a foreign place together, or you follow your partner or he/she follows you, make allowances for settling in a foreign country- or even a different state. The stress of finding your way around and understanding people can hit you unawares in all the anticipation and create unnecessary pressure when you are trying to settle in together.
- Prepare by taking language classes and/or cultural seminars in advance (if you are a Westerner moving to Japan, for example).
- If you are staying put and your (international) partner is following you, be especially supportive and helpful to him or her while he/she adjusts to whatever is different from their home country. Even if they were comfortable with the cultural differences during visits, changing your permanent place of residence to a foreign country with only your partner as a "lifeline" can make you feel lost. Encourage them to learn as much about the changes in advance as possible.
- Look forward to being together. All the practical things will have to be adjusted as you go along, but your appreciation for the physical closeness of having your partner around will be very rewarding. Keep your communication as open as it was when you were apart. Don't expect anything to clear itself up "all by itself", however. Address issues that bother you before you get too agitated. Be calm, clear, and non-accusatory in your discussions.
- Be patient and understanding with each other. Of course each of you has dreamed about this moment and envisioned it differently. Strive to reconcile your ideas and remember that moving in together takes work and a phase of adjustment for any couple, not just you.
- When "moving day" is here, celebrate the happy occasion together however it feels right to you.
