Deal With Disrespectful People

When you encounter someone who is being rude or disrespectful, it's hard to know how to react. You may be dealing with all of the following sorts of questions: Should I ignore this disrespectful person? Am I being a doormat if I do this? Should I stand up for myself? If so, how? Will that make the situation worse? Read our advice on how to handle disrespectful people so that you can be better prepared the next time someone cuts in front of you at Starbucks, ignores your needs, or is just downright rude.

Steps

Assessing the Situation

  1. Determine if the person's disrespectful behavior is unintentional and impersonal. Disrespectful and rude behavior is always annoying and at times can even be intolerable. However, not all rude actions are the same, and so your strategy for dealing with the disrespectful behavior should vary depending upon whether or not you judge the offending act to be intentional and/or personal.
    • For example, perhaps your coworker drives you nuts with her constant gum snapping, or maybe you work from home and your partner's whistling makes it impossible for you to focus.
    • You may be about to lose it at what you take to be their disrespectful behavior, but it's more likely the case that they are engaged in “uncouth habits”.[1] These bad habits negatively affect others (in this case, you!), yet the offenders probably don't realize what they are doing, and they almost certainly are not doing it with the express intention of disrespecting you. You just happen to be the unfortunate bystander who is bothered by their behavior.
    • You'll want to keep this in mind as you decide whether or not, and how, to respond to them.
  2. Determine if the disrespectful behavior is unintentional yet personal. With this type of offense, the person who is offending you does not intend to be rude, but their actions are nonetheless directed specifically at you.
    • For example, you may be about ready to drop your self-centered friend: she invites you to coffee every week to “catch-up”, but then spends the entire time talking about her problems without ever asking about you.
    • Her behavior is indeed egocentric, and it is disrespectful. Her behavior is personally directed at you (she's not considering your needs and wants and is using you for her own purposes), but it's probably not the case that she is intentionally trying to ignore or hurt you.[1]Most likely, she's not even aware of the fact that the conversation is one-sided.
  3. Determine if the disrespectful behavior is intentional yet impersonal. These sorts of offending, disrespectful behaviors are classified as “norm violations”.[1] In these cases, the offending person knows exactly what they are doing, and they most likely know that there is a general taboo against their behavior (or they know that others consider it to be rude). They either don't care about the rule, or aren't fully thinking about how their behavior negatively affects others.
    • If someone's disrespectful behavior is intentional and impersonal, it means that while they intend to act as they do, they aren't necessarily trying to offend or hurt you specifically.
    • For example, the person who cuts in line at the supermarket intends to do so, and is most likely aware of the social norm against doing so, but is not specifically directing their behavior at you. They aren't cutting in front of you because they don't like the looks of you; They either think the rule is stupid, or perhaps they think that their immediate needs are more important than yours.
    • Yet another example would be someone who smokes in front of the entrance to a public building.[1] That person obviously knows that she is smoking and that people are passing by (and surely knows that many people don't wish to be exposed to second-hand smoke), but either doesn't care to respect the social norm against smoking near others, or has convinced herself that her smoke isn't bothering anyone.
    • In either case, she most likely is not specifically trying to blow smoke in your face as you walk by.
  4. Determine if the disrespectful behavior is intentional and personal. [1] In these cases, the offending person knows exactly what they are doing, and you are indeed the intended object of their behavior. Depending upon how they are willing to describe their behavior, they may even be willing to admit that it is rude or disrespectful.
    • For example, does your mother criticize your food choices every time you come to visit? This sort of disrespect is outright rude, and is indeed intentional and personal: it's personal insofar as it is specifically directed at you, and it's intentional insofar as your mother intends to say what she does.
    • Keep in mind, though, that even in these cases, the person may not specifically intend to offend you. Your mother hopefully isn't commenting upon your second dessert because she wants you to feel bad, but she does clearly intend to offer some sort of criticism (though she'll probably describe it as “loving concern”).

Controlling Your Reaction to Disrespectful Behavior

  1. Don't automatically jump to negative conclusions. Completing the above steps will help you begin to understand why the other person is being so rude or even disrespectful, but it's not always so easy to judge whether or not someone's rude behavior is intentional or personal. In these cases, we may be tempted to assume the worst about the other person. Doing this, though, will only increase our own frustration and anger, whereas the point is to try to diffuse our negative feelings.
    • Indeed, even if we are willing to admit that the person who jumped line, for example, wasn't trying to inconvenience us specifically, it's hard for our first thought to not be “What a jerk! That guy must not think about anyone but himself.” Of course, it's completely possible that that guy is a jerk, but it's also possible that he didn't see you.
    • The person who cut you off while driving was certainly being careless and dangerous, but before you flip them off consider the possibility that they may have just received terrible news and are rushing to the hospital.
    • Your coworker may drive you nuts with her gum-snapping, but before you judge that she's completely self-centered, consider the possibility that she's chewing gum to help her stop smoking or to deal with an anxiety issue.
  2. Do your best to empathize with the other person. Just as you should try not to assume the very worst about people—even those who are being exceptionally disrespectful—you should also try to empathize with them. Do your best to put yourself in their shoes in order to try to understand their behavior.[2]
    • For example, the server at your favorite restaurant may be short and rude when taking your order, but take a look around the restaurant: is it busier than normal? Do they seem to be short-staffed?Even if you don't see any signs that would explain the waiter's rude service, keep in mind that he is in a stressful, demanding job, where he's required to multi-task and balance the demands of many people at a time, usually for relatively little pay.
    • We're not saying that recognizing why your waiter, for example, is being rude justifies the behavior, but obtaining understanding and empathy will help us move past the offense.
    • Even when you are certain that the other person's actions are intentional and personal (like your mother criticizing your food choices), the situation will be helped if you try to understand and empathize with the other person. Your mother's criticisms are hurtful, and that shouldn't be underscored, but if you try to imagine why she is making her comments, you might find that your own anger is tempered.
    • For example, if your mother has struggled with her weight, body-issues, or self-esteem, then you may come to conclude that she is misdirecting her own insecurities towards you.
  3. Ignore the disrespectful behavior, if possible. At this point, you may have determined that the disrespectful behavior that was troubling you was unintentional and impersonal, for example. If that's the case, you may decide that there's no real point in confronting the person; after all, you've decided that they aren't trying to offend you personally and that they may not even be aware of what they are doing. However, even in cases of more egregious disrespect (such as the intentional, personal disrespect) there is good reason to think about ignoring the person.
    • We may think that it's always important to stand up for ourselves and confront bad, rude, or offensive behavior; we may have been told that it's a sign of self-confidence or that to sit back and take it is a sign of weakness or low self-esteem. We may even think that if we fail to confront the offender, then our our own frustration will build.
    • To the contrary, though, there is compelling reason to ignore disrespectful behavior it at all possible in order to preserve our own mental health. Recent research suggests that study participants who were able to ignore rude people, rather than interact with them or confront them, were later better able to perform cognitive tasks. It seems as though distancing yourself from and ignoring disrespectful people is a good strategy for protecting yourself and maintaining your overall peace and calm.[3]
  4. Decide what you cannot tolerate. Not all disrespectful behavior can be ignored. It's easy enough to avoid the rude bank teller's line, but if your coworkers' tendency to loudly gossip outside of your office door, for example, interferes with your ability to meet deadlines, you are going to have to develop a strategy for confronting their behavior.
    • Think carefully about whether or not there are any minor changes you can make to avoid the offending person. For example, if your partner's whistling is bothering you while you are trying to work at home, is it easy enough for you to move to a quieter location or wear earplugs?
    • You shouldn't be the only one to have to change, but keep in mind that it's easier to change ourselves than others. The biggest part of learning to deal with disrespectful people is learning how to handle it on our end—there is no guarantee that we'll be able to effect change in other people.
    • Thus, if we can learn to not be bothered by others or can easily remove ourselves or change our environment, the situation may be remedied more easily.
    • Nonetheless, this is about striking a balance: you shouldn't be the one who has to continually make all of the concessions, especially if the disrespectful behavior is coming from a friend, loved one, coworker, or indeed anyone that is part of our regular circle whom we don't want to, or can't, cut out of our lives.

Confronting the Other Person

  1. Don't lash out. Now that you've decided to confront the disrespectful person, it's important that you approach the situation carefully. Lashing out in anger will only make the other person respond defensively and will increase the tension.
    • Once you've decided to talk to the other person, avoid using accusatory language. Instead of responding to your mother's criticisms with “You are such a judgmental shrew,” try framing your complaint with “I-language”: “Mom, I feel judged and down about myself when you comment about how much I eat”.[4]
    • It should go without saying that you should avoid name calling. You might think that your rude waiter is a jerk (or worse), but calling him that serves no good purpose and only makes you look like a jerk.
  2. Be direct, yet polite. When you decide to confront the offending person about their troubling behavior, don't beat around the bush or engage in passive-aggressive responses. Clearly identify the problem, and explain specifically what you need from the other person.
    • Your co-worker might eventually pick up on your annoyance if you sigh loudly and repeatedly every time he walks past your work-space whistling off-key, but she may think that you're just frustrated with your work (or be so engrossed in the whistling that she never notices).
    • The situation will be resolved much more quickly and efficiently if you calmly and politely explain your frustration in as non-accusatory of a manner as possible: “Honey, I'm not sure if you're aware that you're whistling, but I'm having a hard time focusing on my project. Would you mind keeping the symphony contained to the kitchen and living room?”
    • If your coworkers are once again convening for a gossip-session outside of your office door, slamming your door in frustration may get them to move, but won't go far at all to improve your work relationship with any of them.
    • Instead, pop your head out the door and try the following: “Hey guys, sorry to be the party-pooper, but I've a client on the line; it would help me a lot if you could relocate to the break-room. Thanks!”
  3. Deal with the offending person directly, if possible. Whether you are frustrated with a waiter, your coworkers or a sibling, it's always a better idea to try to resolve the situation directly before moving up the ladder. If you go over people's heads to complain, you risk increasing the hostility, inadvertently opening up the other person to harsher punishment than you had anticipated, and becoming subject to blow-back yourself.
    • You may be thoroughly offended at your server's rude attitude, but before demanding to see the manager, (and after deciding that the behavior does indeed need to be addressed), do your best to resolve the situation with the server directly. For example, if she drops your plates in front of you without a word, try the following: “You seem upset. Have we done anything to offend you?”
    • She may just be a lousy server, but she may not have realized that she was taking her frustration with another difficult table out on you. If you go directly to her manager, you risk that she'll be subject to a harsh punishment or may even be fired.
    • Similarly, if you head straight to your manager to complain about your coworker's gum-snapping, the offending behavior may stop, but if you haven't yet talked to your coworker yourself, you'll likely look petty in front of your boss, and are painting yourself as someone who is incapable of handling her problems herself. Furthermore, if the complaint can be traced back to you, you will have fostered bad feelings between you and your coworker.
    • Of course, not all disrespectful behavior can be directly addressed, and you may eventually need to enlist the help of superiors. When you do discuss your issues with the offending person, be sure to keep a record (create time-stamped memos or emails to yourself documenting the discussions) in case the situation escalates.
    • If the other person responds with hostility or if the offending behavior does not stop, don't hesitate to have a discussion with a higher-up (a manager, your boss, etc.).
  4. Kill them with kindness. The Golden Rule tells us to treat others as we want to be treated ourselves. It's a good rule to follow for more than one reason: it commands us to treat others with respect and kindness, which is good in itself, but it's also a good guide for our conduct insofar as we'll be more likely to get what we want. When we are kind to others, they in turn tend to be kind to us. If you're trying to respond to someone who is being rude and disrespectful, instead of lashing out or meeting their aggression, try responding with a smile or a kind word. Quite often, this unexpected response will shock the person out of their nastiness.
    • For example, if your colleague can't be bothered to acknowledge you every morning when you ride the elevator together, make a point to flash him a friendly smile as you say “Good morning, John!”.
    • Who knows—maybe he's not a morning person, or actually suffers from social anxiety, or he may just be an unfriendly jerk. He may start to warm up and be friendlier as you greet him warmly, and if not, then his disrespectful behavior is highlighted whereas your virtue shines.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 http://www.wsj.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-other-peoples-rude-behavior-1404169092
  2. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/anger-management-counting-to-ten
  3. ↑ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2282089/Silent-treatment-best-way-deal-rude-people-according-new-study.html
  4. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/anger-management-counting-to-ten?page=2
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