Deal With Your Shy Guy

Maybe you’ve been dating a shy guy for a few months, or maybe you’ve got a crush on a friend who is shy and you want to ask him out. Either way, relationships with introverts require some understanding of their temperament, but can be great once you figure out how to deal with them. By understanding what he needs from you, how to make him feel comfortable, and how to integrate him into your world, you can have a wonderful relationship with your shy guy.

Steps

Taking Initiative

1. Make the first move. Shy guys may not feel comfortable making the first moves in a relationship. Instead of waiting for him to ask you out or to lean in first for a kiss, you make the first move. He may not feel comfortable taking the lead in these situations and you doing this will help take the pressure off him.
2. Plan dates where he can relax. Figuring out what to do on a date with a shy guy requires some thought. You’ll need to make an effort to make him comfortable. Shy guys usually prefer low-key dates where they can relax and open up slowly over ones where they feel pressured to be outgoing.
   • Opt for dates like staying in and watching a movie or spending an afternoon at the driving range, instead of inviting him out to a packed bar with a big group of friends. Dates that provide some kind of activity and don’t focus solely on talking can help him relax.
   • Dates on which he has the opportunity to teach you a skill he’s good at are also a good idea. Not only will the two of you bond over the activity, but he’ll likely get a boost of confidence by teaching you.
3. Ask open-ended questions. When you’re dealing with a shy guy, you will probably need to put in a majority of the effort needed to keep the conversation going. This can be tough when your guy isn’t naturally chatty. To help encourage him to provide more than just a quick, one word answer, ask him open-ended questions and avoid those that can be answered with a “yes” or “no.”
   • For example, asking questions like, “How did you become such a great guitar player?” rather than, “Do you like playing the guitar?” will encourage him to share more details about himself.
4. Pick the right topic. Although it might be easy for you to talk about what you like to do, a shy guy may have trouble adding to that conversation. Try talking about topics he’s interested in and avoid topics that might make him uncomfortable, causing him to clam up.
   • For instance, your guy probably won’t have much to say about your recent experience at the nail salon, but he’ll likely have quite a bit to say about the band you guys saw after dinner the other night. Talk about topics you both have in common.
   • Also, remember to pick topics that won’t make him feel uncomfortable. Asking him to talk about a strained family relationship, for instance, might cause him to become uncomfortable and stop talking.
5. Try different methods of communication. If you’re having trouble getting him to open up in person, try using a different type of communication. For example, maybe he has trouble communicating in face-to-face situations, but feels more comfortable talking over the phone or texting. Give him the chance to do this until he starts to feel more comfortable around you. Social media platforms provide tons of different ways to communicate. Try messaging him on Facebook or Instagram to get the conversation going.
6. Praise his efforts. Getting a shy guy to open up to you relies a great deal on building up his confidence. Make sure you let him know that you appreciate the little things he does for you. Praising him for things like taking out the trash, bringing you a coffee at work, and rubbing your feet at the end of a long day will let him know you are paying attention to his actions too, not just his words. This will help him feel loved and appreciated.
   • Also be sure to praise him when he makes an effort to open up to you. If you had a great conversation one night, let him know how much you enjoyed it and that you’d like to hear more of his thoughts and ideas.

Accepting His Temperament

1. Don’t take it personally. You might feel like your guy’s inability to open up to you is a sign he’s not interested, but this is not necessarily the case. Shyness is a personality trait, so don’t take it personally. Understand that he likely wants to open up to you, it just takes him more time than other people.
2. Be patient. Your shy guy isn’t going to open up to you over night. Breaking down the initial barriers can be one of the most difficult parts of dealing with a shy guy and it can take time. He probably doesn’t let many people into his inner circle, but if you are patient with him and give him time to open up at his own rate, he’ll eventually let you in.
3. Be genuinely accepting. Your guy will probably feel pretty vulnerable any time he starts to open up to you, so make every effort to show him that you enjoy talking to him and learning more about him. For example, if he tells a joke, laugh out loud. If he talks about how he likes to play the guitar, let him know you’d love to hear him play sometime. If he tells you an embarrassing story, assure him it will stay between the two of you and then tell him one of your own.
   • Being too enthusiastic about his stories, jokes, hobbies, and so on, can sometimes come across as fake. While you should make every effort to make your interest obvious, don’t fake a laugh or any other reaction if it’s not what you’re actually feeling.

Easing His Nerves

1. Compliment him. Once you’ve figured out how to deal with your shy guy, you can also do some things to help him feel more comfortable. You can help ease your guy’s nerves by making sure he knows how much you like him, how attractive you find him, and that you are excited to see him. You don’t have to do anything over-the-top to make sure he knows, even a simple text message can be enough to calm his nerves.
   • Try complimenting his hair or telling him he has a great smile. Or, send him a text a few hours before a date and let him know you can’t wait to hang out with him.
2. Allow there to be silence. If you’re an outgoing, chatty person, you will probably feel the need to fill every bit of silence with chit-chat. Try to resist this temptation when dealing with your guy. Shy guys are usually comfortable with silent pauses from time to time. Instead of talking whenever one comes up, try holding his hand or smiling at him instead.
   • If you can’t resist the urge to fill the silence, use this time to ask him simple questions that will help him open up about himself. For example, ask his thoughts on the last book he read or ask him to tell you about his favorite childhood memory. Introverts don’t feel the need to fill every silence with small talk, so if you feel the need to talk, make it meaningful.
3. Give him space. Shy people often need more space and time for themselves than outgoing people. For introverts, being around people constantly is rather draining. They need time alone to recharge. While you probably want to spend lots of time with your boyfriend, allowing him to have some extra “me time” will only help your relationship. Then, when you do spend time together, he’ll be refreshed and energized.
   • For example, if the two of you are going away for the weekend, allow him to have a few days to himself throughout the week. He may need this extra time to do the things that help him relax and recharge, whether that’s playing video games, reading a book, or going for a run.

Introducing Him to Your Friends and Family

1. Introduce him slowly. If things progress with your guy, you’ll eventually want to introduce him to your friends and family, which can be challenging for someone who is shy. Large social gatherings can be intimidating for a shy guy, so when it comes time to introduce him to your friends and family, do so in small doses. This will help him feel more comfortable and less out of place.
   • For instance, rather than inviting him to your family’s huge New Year’s Eve party right off the bat, invite him to dinner with your sister and her significant other first.
2. Support him during social situations. Even small gatherings, although less intimidating, can still be stressful for someone who’s shy. You can help your man open up by staying close during social situations and helping him bring up topics he likes to talk about.
   • For example, bring up the fact that he’s a great guitar player at dinner with your sister instead of waiting for him to volunteer the information.
   • Supporting him also means being patient. It will probably take him a while to start to feel comfortable around your friends and family, but give him time and don’t get upset with him if it doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like.
3. Reinforce his actions. He’s probably nervous about what kind of impression he made on your family and friends. Provide him with positive reinforcement to let him know things went well. Doing so will help ease his anxiety about social situations and, hopefully, allow him to open up more quickly.
   • For example, say, “My sister was really impressed that you are such an accomplished guitar player!” Or, “My friends thought you were very charming and witty the other night!”

Tips

• It may take time to figure out the best way to communicate with your shy guy. Try different ways of communicating until you find one that works the best.

Warnings

• Shyness is a personality trait and it’s not likely to change. Though your guy may become more open with you over time, he will always be shy. If this is something you don’t like or can’t learn to live with, he may not be the right guy for you.

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Sources and Citations

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