Stop Dealing With Someone Else's Lateness
If somebody around you continues to be late every time you try to meet up, are meant to be handing in something or just in general, it can drag down your own schedule and perhaps, via association, make other people doubt your performance as well. Forcing yourself to wave off delays and disruptions should not be a frequent part of your relationship, business or personal. Keep reading to prevent your blood pressure from rising when your "late" friend pulls this on you. You don't need to get angry; you just need to be prepared.
Contents
Steps
The respect gap
- Call it what it is - a respect issue. When it comes right down to it, that's what it's all about. Why is your time any less valuable than your friend's? Why should you put up with a lack of respect for your valuable time? The answer is, you should not. Your friend saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so busy, I had to etc.," should not fool you. What your friend is really saying is, "What I was doing was more important to me than the fact that I knew you were waiting for me." That's disrespectful, rude, and wrong. There are no excuses to justify this kind of behavior, and you need to make your friend clear on that.
- Deal with the problem immediately. When it happens one time, you can understand and make allowances for delays coming up, traffic, or whatever. When it happens again and again and you can recognize it as a pattern in your relationship, it is a chronic issue with this person and you need to deal with it right away. Recognizing that this person will never be on time will be very valuable to you. Some suggestions for dealing with it include:
- Tell your friend that you feel disrespected when he or she keeps you waiting for more than a few minutes, and that your time should be respected as much as his or hers.
- Inform your friend that in the future, you will not wait past a certain time (10 or 15 minutes is reasonable), even if he or she calls to let you know s/he will be late; you will decide whether you want to continue the activity on your own and allow him or her to join you in progress, or if you want to abandon the plan and go home. You will not feel obliged to notify your friend of your decision.
Avoiding being left high and dry
- Never carpool with him or her, and carry your own ticket. Every time you ride with him or her, you allow this person to control the situation (and often, this is a control issue). Instead, make plans to meet at the restaurant, theater, or whatever - go under your own power, and arrive at the appointed time. Don't allow him or her to be the one holding the tickets. If one of you must be responsible for both tickets, then you do it. Tell your friend if s/he is late, you will leave their ticket at Will Call while you go in on time to make your curtain.
- Wait a certain period of time, then go on with your plans, alone - or just leave altogether. If s/he is able to catch up later, fine. But in the meantime, don't hold your breath. Here are a couple of examples to follow:
- Your "late" friend invites you to dinner at a favorite restaurant. Rather than wait for her to come to your place and driving in together, tell her you will meet her at the restaurant at 8pm. If she hasn't arrived by 8:15, ask to be seated anyhow (that's right, go in alone), and tell the waitress d' that if your friend arrives, to bring her right over. This is easier on you if you (A) bring another friend along with you or (B) bring some reading material. Don't wait any longer - ask your server for a menu, and order. Whenever she arrives, just greet her nicely - even if you are already finished with dinner. Stay only as long as you wish to - even if it means you walk away just as she is ordering.
- Your "late" friend tells you he'd like to go to the movies on Have a Fun Friday Night at Home with Your Family. You're tired by the end of the week, and want to make the early show, and you tell him so. Don't go to his place and pick him up (you'll probably find that he isn't close to being ready, and by the time he gets ready and you leave, you'll have missed the early show). Instead, offer to meet him at the theater. Buy only your ticket - tell him he will need to buy his own. If he isn't there by the time you are seated, go on in and save a seat for him. If he makes it by the time the show starts, fine. If he comes in as the show is in progress, make him be seated quietly and watch the Find What Movie to Watch at the Cinema. Finish the evening as you wish - either by going out for coffee or for dessert together, or by telling him he's a jerk for being so late and you're going home.
- Or, just abandon the plan and leave. If you feel so angry and resentful that you can't have a good time on your own, just blow off the date and go home. If s/he shows later, then calls you wondering where you are, let him or her know that you waited just as long as you wanted to, then left.
Voicing your concern
- Express your anger or frustration about it. Letting your friend know that, while you love your friendship, this really hurts your feelings, makes you angry, makes you feel disrespected. If you just accept it without expressing displeasure, this clueless friend may continue this behavior indefinitely. If you express your feelings about it, and there is no apology and nothing ever changes, at least you will have clarity - your feelings are not as important as whatever it is s/he is doing.
- Ask this person what is really behind being late. Being late might mean the person was in flow, needs in between time, or is afraid to ask for space.
- Say, "I've noticed that time is a challenge for you." Then wait and listen with an open mind.
- Replay what they said to you in a gentle way, using their words. For example: "Okay. So you went to work, got involved, and stayed till the project finished. Is this right?"
- Listen. Then ask, "Did you really want to be on time?" Listen. If yes, "If you could be on time how would you do that?" Listen.
- Make agreement. "Okay. In fairness to you and me, let's agree that you pay for your own (ticket, etc.). If you are on time, we go together. If you choose or something comes up to make you late, you will understand that I may not wait and you are on your own time."
- Note: If you are married or in a committed relationship, ask how you can support the person.
Do things at your preferred pace, not theirs
- Go on with life. Most people who are chronically late are overbooked or have concentration issues - they really don't mean to hurt or disrespect you, they are just trying to do too many things in too little time. This is still not an excuse for being tardy constantly. Your time is precious, too. But these people will probably never improve the behavior, and may always be running a little late - so you may have to decide whether the friendship is worth the frustration. Some people who are chronically late have control issues. By being late, they control each and every situation, and make every situation revolve around them. By taking control back, you thwart these efforts and put them on notice that you cannot be manipulated in that way. With these people, you have a better chance of succeeding in communicating that lateness is not acceptable and that you will not put up with it.
- Plan accordingly. Tell your friends your plans start earlier than you would like them to start. If they are early they learn a lesson about being on time, and if they are still "late" they will be on time for your plans.
- Refuse to plan with this person. If all else fails, you can simply stop making plans that depend upon the late person. Just announce, for instance, "Anyone who wants to go along, be here at 8." When the chronically late friend says, "Well, I'm going to go along," you respond, "Oh, let's not bother with all that person-by-person planning. It's just too nerve-wracking. We'll just assume that anyone who's here at eight wants to go." If they object, that means they are already planning to be late, and want you to commit to wait on them.
Tips
- Don't get angry. Just don't allow yourself to be put in a position of being dependent upon someone who's always late. Take your own transportation, and leave when you want to, whether or not your friend has even showed up.
- Consider accepting your friend's invitations only if you can get another friend to come with you. This way, if you get blown off by the "late" friend, the two of you can have a nice evening on your own.
- If you're waiting for your "late" friend or relative to start festivities where s/he is expected to arrive, such as blowing out Mom's birthday candles, or making a toast to a celebration, etc., don't. Even if Mom will be a little disappointed, it's better to go on with the plans so that more people will be awake, still present, etc. - don't wait until others begin to leave or fall asleep before going on. Give your "late" friend or relative about 30 minutes past when you wanted to begin, and then just go ahead without him or her. When s/he arrives, say, "Oh, we're so sorry you missed Grandma blowing out her candles, but we're glad you're here, now."
- Consider telling your "late" friend an earlier time to meet - for example, make reservations to a restaurant at 7 PM, but tell your friend 6:45 PM. If they arrive on time, they won't need to wait long before you arrive. If they arrive late, they will be on time!
- Explain to your friend that you are not trying to control his or her movements, but when you are told to expect someone at 6pm, then they don't arrive until almost 8pm, you have been worrying for over an hour. Point out that you care for him or her, and that when s/he is two hours late, but s/he lives only 20 minutes away, you don't know whether to worry or be angry. Until s/he shows up, you worry. After that, you are angry, because you know that you were blown off until then. Point out that you're just trying to figure out when to start worrying. Sometimes that puts it in perspective a little better for them.
- Dealing with lateness is an inconvenience, as is walking home. Consider "allowing" the late friend to walk home one time from an event they made you late to, the fresh air and time will give them time to reflect upon how being inconveniencing to others is no way to treat other people. If nothing else, you will gain the satisfaction of them walking home. Exercise is also good for all friends, so no need to feel bad.
Warnings
- There are people who can change, and people who can't. If the person denies their behavior, constantly makes excuses or becomes defensive/aggressive when the subject is approached, chances are they need a reality check, but are not going to accept one anytime soon, which means the bad behavior won't change. On the other hand, a person may sweetly apologize and promise to do better, and then not be able to help him/herself. Give it time, think about whether your friend has really been trying to improve your relationship issue, and then take it from there - remember that you don't deserve to be constantly dragged down like this.
- It's likely that this behavior will always crop up - things may improve for a little while, then your friend may fall back into bad habits. Baby steps - continue to work on the issue if the friend is otherwise valuable to you.
- This may not work if you're dealing with your mother.
- Taking this personally is foolish. It really isn't about you at all - it's about the other person. Don't get insulted or feel less important because this one friend is disrespectful.
- Different cultures have different ideas about punctuality. It's also important to extend some grace and try to understand where the other person is coming from.
