Deal With a Terrible Mother as an Adult

We don't get to pick our parents, in this case, a mother. If you are in a family with an abusive, weak or troubled mother, there are steps you can do to protect yourself and hopefully your siblings. The most important factor to consider here is to accept that the consequences and to remember that a mother will only come once.

Steps

  1. Back to the basics. It is very simple, once you get a grip out of it, you will find a solution to it and it applies to each and every issue that you could ever encounter in your lifetime. The secret is to being able to remember the good in the bad. In this case we have an abusive mother, think of the very first memory that you have had with her. For example; some might see themselves being fed by her. How do we see that person, that individual, that we call 'mother'? In most cases we vision a; caring, loving, calming, perfect mother.
  2. There is reason behind each face. Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behaviour? This is where you get in, this is how you will solve the problem.
  3. Distance yourself from her negative behaviours . Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behaviour. What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down, make a list, start taking notes. Start with your behaviour towards her. Write down pieces of any emotional conversations and look at it. Are you feeding her behaviour in any way or adding fuel to the fire. If you are then stop immediately.
  4. Discover how unpleasant dialogue/fights with her starts and when. Note the hot spots. Is it each time you talk or just around certain people? What are the triggers? Self knowledge is power. Your brothers and sisters may need help but you need to help yourself first to help them.
  5. Stop getting mad for petty things. Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favour one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person. She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging. Emotional behaviour is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective. It will make you stronger.
  6. Take care of yourself now for six months be only the observer not caught up in the drama. She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks. Stay calm, observe and keep writing.
  7. Try to talk to and interview each of your siblings. Tell them you are trying to build a happier family life and need their help. Hopefully, they will see your point of view and help you. Do not get discouraged if you get a "no", just continue and move on.

  8. Reflect on whether it is healthy to keep a relationship with her. Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you even if it is your own mother. If this is the case then leave the relationship and don't talk to or visit her for an allotted amount of time. Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right. The time might never be right but it's not impossible.
  9. Believe that being a child of an unhappy individual is very hard and give yourself the room to be happy and create a life. Start one step at a time becoming more independent. In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are. Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is. Then your job can be to not to make her happy at all. That does not make you a bad or selfish person but rather a realist.
  10. Help your siblings when you are freed from her grasp. Find solutions that might work for you in dealing with her and discuss it with them. Tell them that you want them to have positive self images of themselves and to be strong. Show a role model,a healthy mental behaviour towards them and her. Console them if they are in pain.
  11. Avoid feeling guilty. It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships. You are responsible for yourself not her.

Tips

  • Don't tell everyone in the family what you are doing-it might get back to your mom and create a new drama you don't need.
  • If you have children of your own learn how to be the best mother or father you can, that's the perfect opportunity for you to break the destructive pattern that your mother got you into.
  • Give yourself time to grieve over what you needed but did not get. Or the fact that you did not want this kind of person in your life. But don't wallow in it for years, self pity is destructive.
  • Don't even try to change her, doesn't matter how old are you she will always be older and she'll have her mind set to not change it, don't force the situation you either leave it or deal with it in order to find inner peace with her and yourself.
  • Try to not hurt your feelings by comparing your mother with other loving mothers, accept the fact that this is the one you have and for you the challenge is to learn to deal with it.
  • Set a timer or record your phone call conversations. It may help you end conversations or gain some needed perspectives.
  • Don't involve your father until you understand that he has problems of his own. He is married to this person and it will get back to her. Remember the object is to heal not be destructive and hurtful like her.
  • Most people have horror mother stories. Either their own or a friends. How you handle your own behavior is what matters.
  • Do tell a best friend or a mate. First make sure they can be supportive and understanding of your situation and that they won't share with third parties this sensitive situation.
  • If possible, foster sibling support for each other in handling the difficulties that your mother creates. Often these types of mothers want to control relationships between their children, and actually create dissension and divisions between siblings to keep everyone coming to her. Siblings are often manipulated into the dysfunctional situation. If they can come to realize that they are all experiencing the same emotional abuse from their mother and can create a support system for each other, it can be very healing for all. Not only can they relate to and understand better than anyone else, the difficulty in relating to the mother, but it validates that the problem is not you...which most children with emotionally abusive moms are manipulated into feeling. Many of these types of mothers are narcissistic and have installed the buttons that they continually push to cause pain.
  • Move out anytime

Warnings

  • Sometimes we have to completely leave the relationship. It is just too damaging and everyone is ALLOWED to make that personal decision without any guilt.
  • Never resort to being nasty with her. Set your boundaries with her. Screaming or cursing will just make you feel bad about yourself. You can just tell her politely "I am hanging up now" or :I am leaving". Then do it! You have the right to end any conversations with people who put you down or humiliate you. You also have the right to be angry with someone you love, but don't let anger or resentment fester inside you. Learn to somehow forgive and to let bad things go.
  • Protect your kids/husband if needed. Don't let them get caught up in the drama. Again role model "strength" in dealing with a destructive person for your kids. It will serve them well in life.

Things You'll Need

  • A journal or computer
  • Some quiet reflective time
  • A stopwatch or timer
  • a tape recorder

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