Deal With an Insecure Person

Dealing with someone who is insecure involves being kind, respectful, and reassuring. Insecure people may have low self-esteem or feel hurt by past experiences. By providing them with support, you can help them focus on the positive and boost their self-esteem. Avoid feeling stressed yourself by setting boundaries and guiding them to find support in their community.

Steps

Setting Clear Boundaries

1. Create boundaries of interaction. People who struggle with insecurity may need constant reassurance and support, which you can't always provide. Talk with them about boundaries so that you don't feel overwhelmed or frustrated by their behavior.
   • For example, if you're in a relationship with someone who's insecure, they may want to know what you're doing and where you are. While it's important to check in with them via phone or text, talk with them ahead of time about boundaries when you're out or away from them. Stick to what you both agree to do.
   • Perhaps you have a co-worker or classmate who seems to need your constant attention. Define good times to talk and interact with them. Consider saying things like, "I want to be available for you, but I also have some work to do. Why don't we talk after class or at lunch?"
2. Help to redirect their insecurity to something positive. Insecure people are often anxious about something or someone. Maybe they have been hurt by old boyfriends. Maybe they've been bullied about the way they look. Help to reduce their anxiety and focus on positive thoughts.
   • Act as a reminder when they seem to be focusing on the negative, and try to redirect their thoughts to positive things. For example, "I know those people can be mean, but remember that you have my support, and the support of your friends."
   • If the conversation appears fixated on the negative, refocus the conversation on something positive that you see in them or neutral topic of conversation. Consider complimenting them for something. Or discuss topics of mutual interests such as movies, sports, or other activities.
3. Avoid spending too much time on emotionally draining people. Insecure people can be emotionally draining, and seem to make you feel more tired afterwards. They may act dependent on you for all their needs. Avoid feeling like their caretaker, and set boundaries.
   • Motivate them to find ways to cope without you always there.
   • Set specific times when you'll talk and meet. Instead of avoiding them completing, make sure to set times that work for you and them.
   • Be clear and polite that you need to have some space, but that doesn't mean you don't care for them. Explain to them how personal space or time away from each other can be healthy at times.
   • Remind them that you can't be solely responsible for making them feel better. That's too much for one person. Not only is that emotionally exhausting, but you may inadvertently enable them to depend on you 24/7.
4. Explore trust issues with a jealous partner. You may have a partner or a spouse that appears to act jealous and insecure. They may seem to act irrationally or fearful that you'll leave them. Provide reassurance and define ways to keep the relationship healthy.
   • When a jealous person comes forward with accusations, provide reassurance rather than getting upset.
   • Demonstrate how you plan to stay committed and faithful, but that for the relationship to work it must be built on trust.
   • Explore any past issues that your partner has had with feeling rejected, unloved, or lied to by former partners, friends, or family.
   • Encourage a sense of independence in your partner. Find ways to encourage them to have an independent life rather than fixating on yours. Help them to find personal goals that are fulfilling for them.
5. Be in control of your own emotions. Recognize when insecure people are making you feel anxious, upset, sad, or frustrated. If you are feeling unable to talk with or help someone who is feeling insecure, take a step back and assess what might be best for you.
   • If you feel like they are stressing you out, politely tell them that you need to talk with them later and hope to have a better conversation then.
   • Take a break from whatever or whoever is bothering you. It can be as simple as getting some physical distance from the situation for a few minutes or more until you feel calmer. Try saying something like, "I know you're feeling anxious, and I'm here for you. Right now I need to take a break to unwind a bit. I'll be ready to help you again in an hour."

Providing Reassurance and Support

1. Understand their perspective. People who struggle with insecurity often feel anxious about work, school, friends, family, or their own self-image. It can seem to come out of nowhere, or it may be triggered by past negative events. Be open and willing to listen.
   • Listen to what's bothering them. Things that seem small to you might actually be bigger, deeper issues for them. For example, if the person is worried about the shoes they're wearing, this insecurity might reflect a larger anxiety about whether they fit in with their peers.
   • Be non-judgmental. Try to understand how they may feel, and what you might need if you were in their shoes.
   • If they are hesitant to talk with you, consider just saying a few words to show you understand their feelings, such as "I'm sorry about what you're feeling" or "That sounds tough."
2. Be kind and respectful. While some insecure people may come off as rude or cold, avoid letting your own insecurities or judgments play out. Be kind, polite, and respectful. While it may be difficult to be this way at times, it will make it easier in the long run to deal with someone who is feeling insecure or unappreciated.
   • Use body language that indicates you're willing to help and listen. Maintain eye contact and give your full attention.
   • Smile and be open to talking with them about what's bothering them.
3. Ask them about what's bothering them. If the two of you are friends, it's important to talk with them about how they're feeling. If they are acquaintances to you, consider ways to be more open and talk with them, without making them feel uncomfortable.
   • Consider starting the conversation in a general way, but then point out something that you've noticed in them. For example, "Hey, how's it going? I noticed you didn't come to practice after school yesterday, and wondered if you're doing okay?"
   • Be open to the fact that some people may not feel ready to talk about what's bothering them, but it's important to show that you're concerned. For example, "It looks like it's been a tough day. If you want to talk, I'm here."
   • If you need to stop the conversation, then use polite words and say something like, "It was nice to talk with you. Okay if we catch up more tomorrow?" or "I hope you feel better. I'm free to talk more the evening, if you'd like."
4. See opportunities to get to know them better. Sometimes, insecure people feel underappreciated or unloved. By showing an interest them, you may help them to feel better.
   • Spend time with them one-on-one if possible. You may be able to see what's bothering them in a more real way. Insecure people are less likely to be open and honest in larger crowds.
   • Consider asking them to do things with you and your friends. Make them feel included.
5. Provide reassurance and empathy. Show that you care with your words and actions. Demonstrate that you are emotionally connected to their feelings and insecurities in a genuine way.
   • Say things like, "Just know that I'm here for you and care about you" or "I know you can overcome what you're facing. You're a strong person."
   • If this person is a close friend, family member, or partner, consider giving hugs or other forms of affection as appropriate. Only hug them after asking first and if they are open to this.
   • Tell them it's going to be okay, and things will get better. Provide hope and motivation to succeed rather than reminding them of the bad things.

Boosting Their Self-Esteem

1. Help-Someone-With-Low-Self-Esteem. While you can try to boost the person’s self-esteem with compliments and by being a supportive friend, the person will also need to do some work to develop their own self-esteem. Try to encourage your friend to work on their self-esteem by providing examples of what has worked for you.
   • For example, you might encourage your friend to Use-Affirmations-Effectively and say something like, "When I'm having a crummy day or feeling low, I like to boost myself up with mirror compliments. I start by looking at myself in a mirror and then I find one nice thing to say to myself, like ‘My hair looks so full and shiny today! I love it!’"
2. See how the insecurities impact themselves and others. Insecurities can come out in a variety of unhealthy ways. Sometimes people will act rude, jealous, or controlling. Some insecure people may lack insight into how their behaviors are damaging to themselves or others. Try to understand how insecure people impact you and others in these ways:
   • Relationships. Do you feel your partner is needy, dependent, controlling, or untrustworthy? Help them to be less dependent and more trusting.
   • Work. Do you feel your co-workers are manipulative, rude, or jealous of you? Help them to find positive things in the workplace, and be friendly.
   • Family and Home. Do you feel like your family or relatives are judgmental, paranoid, rude to others, or constantly depressed? Help to reduce anxiety and stress in the home by being a role model.
3. Focus on the positive. Insecure people often focus a lot more on the negative aspects of their lives such as a lack of love, support, money, or appreciation. They feel like they've been victimized (and maybe they have in the past). Give them positive things to focus on.
   • Keep conversations positive and light. Avoid topics that could lead to a venting session or more negative talk.
   • Remind them of things that are positive or encouraging. It could be a positive quote, a cat video, pictures of family or friends, or other things that boost their spirits.
   • Sometimes, it can just be telling them that you like their shirt, shoes, a decoration on their bag, or a new gadget they're using. Tell them something to feel good about themselves.
4. Communicate with them about what they're doing well. Help to boost their self-esteem by focusing on the things that they're doing well, rather than reminding them of the bad things. It's important for insecure people to feel like they have worth and value.
   • For example, say things like, "That meal you made was fantastic" or "You seem to really know a lot about baseball" or "You are such a great artist."
   • Let them know that you notice the little things that they do well. Often the ordinary and daily tasks can be overlooked, but a reminder that they do things well can be reassuring. For example, "Thanks for helping me understand that math problem" or "Thanks for giving me a ride" or "You are so organized with your calendar."
5. Encourage them to find activities they enjoy. Insecure people may feel like everyone's against them or that they have little to offer. Help them to find activities that they enjoy. Encourage them to find things that are uniquely interesting to them, rather than just going along with others. Consider activities such as:
   • Intramural sports, fitness classes, or outdoor clubs
   • Art or music classes
   • Volunteering with different non-profits or other organizations
   • Enrichment classes at a local community college or university
   • Clubs or online social groups such as those through Meetup.com

Getting Help

1. Evaluate if their mood or behaviors are getting worse. If the person appears to be increasingly upset, depressed, irritable, or anxious over a few weeks, consider reaching out to your work, school, or community about ways to help them.
   • If in school, talk with a teacher, school counselor, or advisor about the changes in their behavior.
   • If at work, talk with a supervisor or colleague about if they can offer additional support.
   • If at home, talk with other relatives or friends for advice.
2. Encourage them to talk with a counselor. Insecure people may feel like they have a limited support system, or don't trust those around them. They may have difficulty with coping, and instead use unhealthy ways to cope. Approach them about talking with a counselor as a way to cope with what's bothering them.
   • Remind them that counselors are non-judgmental and focus on providing support and healing.
   • Help them to find counselors through their school, community, or place of worship. Help them to normalize going to counseling for support.
   • See if there are support groups available, depending on the issue or insecure that they're facing.
3. Identify other supports available to help them. Make sure that an insecure person knows that they're not alone. Show them that people care about them. Encourage them to connect more with the supportive people in their lives.
   • Reach out to positive and supportive people. Discuss with those supportive people that more encouragement is needed for those who are feeling insecure.
   • Help them focus on ways to feel included. Encourage them to do new and different things. Find people who can go with them, so they feel less alone or anxious.
   • Identify ways to encourage independence in them. They may feel like they can't do things on their own. Teach them how being more independent will make them feel more confident and less insecure. Be positive and supportive as they find ways to cope better with what's bothering them.

Warnings

• If this person appears depressed, very anxious, and withdrawn, and is continuing to get worse, call a crisis counselor for help and resources. Contact the National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-8255 or http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With Overly Competitive People
• Identify a Toxic Employee
• Overcome Discrimination
• Make People Jealous
• Deal With Backstabbers
• Deal With Someone Who Really Annoys You
• Deal With Dumb People
• Avoid People You Don't Like in a Respectful Way
• Get Rid of People That Hate You
• Deal With a Sociopath

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