Decline a Date from a Coworker

If a coworker has asked you out and they’re eagerly awaiting your response or you have a sneaking suspicion your cubicle neighbor is getting ready to make a move, you may be wondering how you can get out of the situation unscathed. The good news is that declining a date from a coworker is usually pretty straightforward, even if it is a bit uncomfortable in the moment. So long as you’re professional, empathetic, and clear about it, there shouldn’t be any problem. If you’re looking for some ideas on how you can let them down without putting your career at risk, read on for some tips and tricks on doing this the right way.

Steps

Let them know you’re flattered.

1. Aim to spare their feelings by saying you appreciate the offer. Don’t leave the door open for any future relationship or anything like that, but start by putting them at ease about how this interaction is going to go. Beginning with a positive note will reduce the odds that they have any kind of negative reaction. If they feel slighted or insulted, they may be harder to work with in the future. You might say:
   • “I’m totally flattered that you’re asking me out, but…”
   • “Wow, I had no idea you felt that way. I really appreciate it, but…”
   • “That’s so sweet. Thank you for making me feel wanted! Unfortunately…”

Turn the offer down respectfully.

1. Tell them “no” in a kind and empathetic way. Let them down gently and respectfully so that it’s clear dating is off the table without making them feel bad about asking you out. Use “I” statements to communicate how you feel without implying that there’s anything with them. This should minimize any potential conflict. You might say:
   • “I would really prefer to just keep things professional.”
   • “Unfortunately, I’m going to have to decline. I’m not open to seeing anyone right now.”
   • “It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not in a position in my life right now where I’m open to dating.”
   • “I really value our friendship, and I’d rather keep it that way.”
   • "I appreciate your offer. However, I will have to decline respectfully."

Explain why you don’t want to date.

1. It may smooth things over if you give them a concrete reason. It takes guts to put yourself out there and ask someone out, and it never feels good to hear “no” without any context. While it isn’t mandatory, you may spare some feelings and solve this problem faster if you give them a short explanation. You could say:
   • “Look, I know it’s silly, but it’s a violation of company policy and I really value this job. I don’t want to put my career at risk by dating a coworker.”
   • “I’m worried that romance might take my eyes off of my career goals. I’m just not in a place where I want to pursue anything.”
   • “I dated a coworker at my previous job and the other employees just couldn’t stop gossiping or spreading rumors. As a rule, I don’t date coworkers anymore.”

Stress that there’s nothing wrong with them.

1. Really put them at ease to leave them walking away feeling good. Unless they’ve been rude about it, there’s no reason to put your coworker down. Throw out a non-romantic compliment so that they can walk away with their head held high. Your working relationship won’t deteriorate at all if you leave their feelings intact. You could say:
   • “You’re really kind and sweet. Seriously, you’re a good friend and I really enjoy talking to you at the office. I’m sorry I can’t take you up on your offer.”
   • “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I really hope this doesn’t impact our work. You’re a key part of why our team always beats expectations!”
   • “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever worked with, and I genuinely look forward to continuing our working relationship.”

Come up with an excuse if they aren’t taking it well.

1. If it looks like they aren’t taking it well, throw out an airtight excuse. Just make sure that you don’t send the signal that you would date them in the future if something were to change, which is the main danger here. There’s also the problem of needing to remember the excuse, so if you invent a fake boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t chat with your coworkers about being single over lunch next week. Still, in a pinch, this can get you out of it. You could use something like:
   • “I’ve got a boyfriend/girlfriend and things are pretty serious. I’m sorry!”
   • “I’m going through a lot in my personal life right now and I really just need to focus on myself.”
   • “My ex really didn’t treat me right, and I’ve taken a vow of singledom for the foreseeable future.”

Remain professional at all times.

1. No matter what happens, maintain a professional tone and demeanor. If the person asking you out responds with something pointed, or they start losing their cool, don’t let them ruffle your feathers. Remember, if you react strongly, you could get in trouble at work. You don’t necessarily owe this person anything, but it’s still best to stay as professional as possible—even if they aren’t.
   • This is especially important if they ask you out at the office. Don’t make a scene. If they want to lose their cool and put their job on the line, let them. You can always dismiss yourself or go grab a manager.
   • If they look like they’re tearing up or not taking it well, there’s nothing wrong with reminding them that they’re a great person and they haven’t done anything wrong. So long as you don’t make it seem like you’re leaving the door open for dating in the future and you aren’t being unprofessional, you’ll be okay.

Be firm if they don’t respect your wishes.

1. If they come back and ask you next week, put your foot down (kindly). Some guys and gals just can’t take a hint. If they ever approach you again and ask you out a second (or third, or fourth, etc.) time, make it abundantly clear that they’re crossing a line. Be polite and kind, but let them know that you don’t appreciate them ignoring your wishes. You might say:
   • “Look, I already said I just want to remain coworkers. Please stop asking me out.”
   • “I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or put you down, but this needs to stop. I do not want to go on a date with you. It’s nothing personal, but please cut it out.”
   • If it gets really bad or they just can’t get the message, go to HR or bring it up with your boss.

Ignore flirting if it continues.

1. If they test the waters in the future, brush it off and don’t engage. It’s hard for some people to let a crush go. If they ever try to flirt with you in the weeks or months after asking you out, they may be checking to see if you’ve changed your mind at all. Don’t send the wrong signal. Just ignore whatever flirtatious behavior they send your way. Be friendly, but not so friendly that they might get the wrong idea.
   • If they smile at you from across the room, give them a slight, unromantic grin and look the other way. If they comment on how good your hair looks, say “thanks” and keep it moving. They should get the hint.
   • This only applies to subtle, harmless flirting. If they’re being openly aggressive about it, touching you, or making you feel uncomfortable, never hesitate to go to HR and file a report. You don’t need to spare their feelings if they’re crossing a line.

Turn it into a group outing if you said yes on accident.

1. If you agreed to hang out but they think it’s a date, make a group thing! If you got caught off-guard or you misunderstood their advance, you may end up in a sticky situation. Turning them down after they think you accepted a date may make things worse, so just invite a bunch of coworkers out to join and make it a social work outing.
   • If they ask what gives, just play it off like you thought it was a social thing. Let them know you would have turned them down if you knew it was a romantic date.
   • Obviously, this only works if they were kind of unclear about it being a date (i.e. “Do you want to grab drinks after work?”). If they were straightforward about asking you out and you accept on the spot out of nervousness, just do your best to walk back your answer and explain you were feeling anxious when they asked.

Remind yourself of the risks if you’re considering it.

1. If you’re debating saying yes, just remember what can go wrong. Office relationships can get messy. If the two of you do start dating and you ever get into an argument, the work day is going to be awkward. If you break up, you may be uncomfortable just going into the office every day. Even worse, if your boss doesn’t know and you happen to be violating your company policy, you could lose your job.
   • It’s especially dangerous to accept a date from someone who manages you or has some kind of power over you at work. This kind of relationship is never a good idea, since some very unhealthy dynamics can develop when one person has control over the over.

Tips

• There are certain scenarios where it can be okay to date a coworker. If neither of you have power over one another, you both work in separate departments, and your company doesn’t have a policy about employee relationships, it may be okay. Just be careful and disclose your relationship to your manager before things get too far.

Warnings

• If you find yourself asking, “Is this sexual harassment?” then it’s sexual harassment. If you ever feel uncomfortable at work or a coworker crosses a line. Go directly to HR and file a report.

References

See also

• Flirt at Work
• Flirt With a Co worker (for Women)
• Choose Your Friends at Work
• Treat a Co Worker After a One Night Stand
• Know if a Coworker Has a Crush on You
• Handle an Office Relationship
• Identify a Toxic Employee
• Celebrate Milestone Birthdays at Work
• Deal with a Bossy Coworker
• Be Popular at Your Office Job

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