Date a Co Worker

Dating a co-worker happens a lot - at least 40 percent of people admit to having dated someone at work during their career.[1] And when it happens to you, there are a lot of things to consider about how you go about carry on your romance in the workplace. You might choose to keep it clandestine, or you might decide to shout it from the rooftops but whatever you choose, there are other people intimately involved in this situation who need to be considered too – namely, your co-workers and your boss. Dating a co-worker can lead to long-lasting love but only if you proceed wisely and with care.

Steps

  1. Be sure before all else. Before you've even approached the co-worker of your dreams, be sure that he or she is interested in you in the same way. This takes a little bit of investigation and intuition but it's worth it or you might end up with egg on your face. And if you hardly know them, take time to get to know them before assuming you've made a good decision to ask them out; a solid relationship needs solid foundations to build on. It is also important that you have a balanced life; do you have a solid and enjoyable life outside work? If not, be very wary about a work relationship because it could be a sign that you take work too seriously and don't leave room for anything else and even feel that your relationships have to fit in with work. Some signs that your co-worker might be interested in you too include:
    • They spend a lot of time with you that isn't work-related, such as during breaks, or going out of their way to come and see you and tell jokes or simply have a chat.
    • Your co-worker comes to ask for your opinion on something that isn't to do with your work area. That can be a sign that your co-worker is finding an excuse to talk to you.[1]
    • Your co-worker is giving you a lot of compliments on a regular basis. Another tactic a co-worker might use is to compliment someone else in your presence to gauge your reaction.[2] In this case, your co-worker might be hoping for a jealous reaction, signaling interest!
    • Flirting is evident from your co-worker.
    • Lots of smiling, grins, and laughing at your inane jokes are coming from your co-worker and are directed at you.
    • You trust and respect this person a great deal and you're absolutely certain that this isn't a fly-by-night whim or a mere lustful thrill.
    • One small but very important thing – be sure that your co-worker is single. An affair at work complicates things for everyone connected to you and your lover, let alone being a very harmful activity to engage in emotionally and morally.
  2. Think about the consequences for your job. Once you're satisfied that your co-worker is interested, think about how a workplace romance might impact your job and weigh up the pros and cons. Think about it from the perspective of your reputation at work, right through to how you will be perceived if the two of you break up and still have to work alongside one another. If you seriously think it's still worth trying, then proceed to the next step.
    • If you're dating a boss or other superior level worker, how will this impact your relationships with other co-workers? Some of them are bound to think there is favoritism going on, so you'll need to be able to deal with that sometimes. In addition, will this impact your own chances for promotion if things go sour later on?
    • Are workplace romances even allowed? Not all workplaces permit fraternizing with your co-workers on an intimate level and you might end up being transferred, demoted, or even fired. And many workplaces won't allow relationships between superior level staff and general staff because of the poor perception it creates. Remember that losing a job over a relationship is not worth it. It might seem so at the time but it just so isn't!
    • Will you be able to handle the workplace gossip? It will be inevitable.
  3. Ask your co-worker on a date. Once you've gone through the pros and cons and you're sure your co-worker is interested in you too, work up the courage to ask them out. Find a suitable time that is preferably not over the water cooler or mid-way through meeting a deadline together. Ask your co-worker to have lunch or a snack with you, pay for their meal or coffee and sit down together somewhere pleasant and private, where you can ask without distractions. Another idea is to suggest having a coffee after work or after a work function. When asking, don't do so in front of other co-workers; the less people who know at this stage, the better for both of you as you still don't know the outcome.
    • If your co-worker says yes, rejoice and move on to the next steps.
    • If your co-worker says no, accept what is and apologize for any misunderstandings. Reassure your co-worker that you won't raise it again and that you won't be mentioning it to anyone at work. Remain professional in your future interactions with him or her.
    • Avoid coming on too strong. Keep it casual and friendly.
  4. Find common ground - other than work. If your relationship is only grounded on a shared work interest, you may end up become rivals for the same jobs, roles, or promotions and that would totally ruin everything between you. So, spend time getting to know one another more broadly and find out what other interests, beliefs, views, etc., the two of you share. At this point, getting to know one another better is vital for the long-term health of your relationship or to know whether it's better to call it quits sooner rather than later.
    • Use small talk to get the wheels turning on topics other than work. Gradually build this up to more serious topics such as one another's values and beliefs, and finding out what other things they've done in life. Be a good listener.
    • Use humor to break the ice. It may feel awkward at first, transitioning from co-workers to lovers, and humor is lovely lubricant.
    • Avoid using gossip about co-workers to get to know one another better. Not only is that petty but if things don't work out, both of you have new information with which to wound one another by telling tales to other co-workers. You are dating your co-worker, not holding a convention on who is hot and who is not at work!
  5. Keep it quiet initially. Since neither of you know where this is headed yet, it's helpful to keep your romance under wraps to begin with. If you find it's not what it seemed it would be after a few days or weeks and you mutually agree to part ways, nobody will be any the wiser and you can get on with your lives. Give it about a month before telling everyone.
    • Don't keep the secret too long. Be aware that someone is likely to find out eventually as some people are either very nosy or very perceptive. It will be the little things you do, like a stolen kiss in a moment when you think nobody is looking, that will end up giving you away. As a result, once you're fairly sure that your dating is going to be long-term, it's best to 'fess up and let others in the workplace know that you're Dating.
    • If you are dating in breach of company rules, watch out. Again, it won't be long before something gives you away even if you do your best to avoid one another in the workplace. If you really want to be with one another this much, one of you needs to consider moving departments or even jobs.
  6. Tell your co-workers about your workplace romance with consideration. When you decide to confide in your co-workers (or you're forced to after someone catches you in flagrante delicto), own up to the affair in as matter-of-fact a way as possible. Don't share details; details will make you appear foolish, smug, and if there is a conflict of interest, the details may put your job at risk. In addition, don't expect your co-workers to be overwhelmed with joy for you; many will be amused but some will be annoyed at what they see as a distraction to the point of being at work – to work. Keep your explanation low-key, simple, and to the point and gently fade out of their vision.
    • It is a good idea to tell your boss before you tell everyone else at work. That way, your boss feels flattered that you informed them first and if there are any workplace issues about your romance, this can be dealt with at the right level straight away. Making an ally of your boss makes good common sense.
    • Be conscious that dating co-workers can make other co-workers feel very uncomfortable. We go to work with a different mindset from our social lives and many of us wear a different countenance and approach our work with professionalism and a sense of treating the workplace as neutral ground. When suddenly two co-workers turn into nuzzling lovebirds, this can offend some co-workers and cause others to feel invaded or alienated. Even those who are fairly flexible in their outlook can feel uncomfortable at outward signs of affection because it confuses social/home life with work life.
  7. Keep the relationship low-key at work. You would be hard pressed to find a co-worker who wants to hear all about your love firsthand through kissy-kissy noises, loving endearments, and lover's tiffs in the workplace. Stay professional at work and keep the relationship in the social and personal spheres totally. At work, the following things should apply during your relationship:
    • Avoid open affection in front of co-workers (PDAs or "public displays of affection"). Kissing, smooching, and even hugging are not professional signs of getting on with work and they make people feel less than complimentary toward you.
    • Check the cute stuff at the office door. If a coworker overhears you exchanging endearments like “Honey Bear” and “Lovey Pumpkin,” you’ll never hear the end of it.
    • Share your compliments around everyone at the office, not just with your love. If people can see that you don't favor your date only, they'll respect you for it.
    • Sex at work might give the two of you a thrill but it will simply gross out co-workers if they discover you and your jobs will be at risk. Don't bring a very personal, intimate act into the workplace – the boardroom, the conference table, and the photocopier all have work purposes and are not there for your sexual pleasure. Be thoughtful rather than lustful.
  8. Avoid any sign or act of preferential treatment for your co-worker. You have to work twice as hard to prove to everyone that there isn't a preferential treatment being given to your date because everyone will automatically assume this is happening. As such, don't, ever. Preferential treatment alienates other co-workers and will create a hostile work environment. Everyone must be left to succeed according to their merits, not who they know.
  9. Be professional if your relationship ends. Inevitably, some dating relationships come to an abrupt end or fizzle out over time. Leave the lover's Make Others Believe You Are Nice After A Quarrel, the tears, the anger, etc., at home and take great care to bring your most professional self to work every day post break-up. In terms of speaking to and working with your ex, be polite and professional and get your work done amiably. Remember that it is not the love affair that will get you canned, but the stalking, accusations, and retribution that sometimes follow.



Tips

  • Take it easy. As with all worthwhile relationships, give it time to grow and become stronger.
  • It's a good idea not to email one another sexy message. Your IT support might be enjoying the messages as much as the two of you... Moreover, emails tend to be requested as evidence in cases of dismissal, sexual harassment, etc., so be sensible.
  • Keep business and pleasure completely separated and you'll be in a good place.
  • Be considerate of others and your romance will eventually die down in the interest stakes and the two of you can get along with your romance undisturbed.
  • If you have very little commitment to the job and much more committed to the relationship, don't worry about leaving the job. But be professional at work anyway so that they give you a good reference. A serious relationship is more likely to last longer than a job in many fields.
  • If you haven't told co-workers yet and the two of you take the same vacation date and come back at the same time looking equally tanned, realize that your co-workers will put two-and-two together!
  • Try to get in touch without using working mailbox, working phones, etc. Or it may bring you more troubles if your private message is disclosed.
  • If you do end up getting married, be kind to your co-workers who put up with you and invite them to the wedding too. It might cost a little more but in terms of keeping them sweet, it's a cost well spent.
  • Don't broadcast your workplace love. It's bad enough when someone goes on and on about their date or fiancé at work without that person being around everyone else each day! Be humble and considerate in your workplace romance.

Warnings

  • On the other hand, if you spend the majority of your life in the workplace, where else are you going to meet people? Sometimes the compatibility arises because of a shared passion for the things you're working on together and because you want to take these things further. Don't let other people tell you that workplace romances are doomed or bad news; not all of them are and some of them can turn out to be incredibly vital, dynamic, and workable relationships that send the company or business into the stratosphere. You just have to be a good judge of what's right for you, your career, and the people around you.
  • Some of your co-workers may mock you or be openly defiant. You'll need to be prepared for that and to respond with compassion and good humor.
  • If you break up, you will still have to see them at work everyday so be aware of this. Do not be rude to them. Act as you normally would.
  • Be absolutely aware of the rules of dating at work. Any breaches can cost you your job.
  • Sexual harassment is something to keep in mind. Workplaces take such allegations very seriously. As such, when asking a co-worker out, keep it simple and free of touching them, trying to kiss them, or making suggestive comments. Once you're dating, there will be room for intimacy outside the workplace but until then, make no assumptions and touch nothing. Moreover, be aware that sometimes a jilted lover may make a claim of harassment to get back at you; it's rare but it can happen.
  • The things you used to share in great detail about your sex life with your co-workers? That's over now; while it was fun when it was about a partner they didn't know personally, when it comes to their other co-worker, they really don't want to hear that stuff!
  • Keeping an office relationship secret for a long time can increase the thrill but it opens you up to two big risks: the first is that you will be found out eventually and everyone will be upset for feeling hoodwinked. And the second is that your relationship may not be growing into a loving one at all but may simply be based on the excitement of the secrecy. And that's hardly a basis for a long-term healthy relationship.
  • Bear in mind that sometimes it is the excitement of a job that you've fallen for and not the co-worker. Spending months holed up together completing a vital report or project can have you spending a great deal of time together but it could very well be the exhilaration of completing

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/dating-advice/dating-coworkers
  2. ↑ http://au.askmen.com/top_10/dating/1_dating_list.html
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