Disguise a Crying Jag Face

Scene: the evening after a bad breakup, a big fight, a piece of terrible news. You've been crying for an hour or more, and not the pretty kind of crying--the kind that leaves you with the hiccups and a swollen face. Now, to top it off, you are unexpectedly required to face society again for a little while. If you don't feel like explaining to the grocery store cashier what's wrong as she rings up your restock of rocky road, you should learn how to disguise those telltale signs of a crying jag.

Steps

  1. Settle down. None of the rest of this is going to do you any good if you can't get hold of yourself now. At this point the slightest case of misty eyes will keep that swelling going. Take deep breaths and make yourself concentrate on something else. You can fall apart again when you're alone.
  2. Wash your face. First thing you should do is wash your face with very cold water. Keep your eyes open while you splash. (If you have contact lenses, you should take them out for at least a few minutes.) This is calming, too, if you're having problems with step 1. Pat your face dry.
  3. Drink some water. It's healthy for you. It'll help get rid of your headache and replace the fluid you lost from all those tears.
  4. Treat redness. Visine (or any other eye drops that treat red eyes) is a must. Use a drop on your nose and lips, too, since it'll constrict the blood vessels.
  5. Treat swelling. If you're really puffy, take ibuprofen (Advil) right away. It'll reduce the swelling and help the headache you probably have. Then make a cold compress--a frozen gel pack wrapped in a damp washcloth is ideal--and apply it to your eyes, nose, and lips. Keep it shifting; if you leave it too long in one place you'll only make it redder.
  6. Use eyewear. If you wear contacts, now is the time to clean them and put them back in if you want to. If you have glasses as an alternative, however, opt for those. Thick-framed glasses especially distract from anything that's abnormal behind them. If you're a guy, this is your stop--go forth and be your stoic self. If you're a girl, move on to step 7.
  7. Let makeup help. It's best not to go through your entire makeup routine. You're not going to a party (at least, you shouldn't -- you're in no shape for that). You're facing other human beings only briefly and out of necessity. The idea is to look like you weren't expecting to see anyone, and you have nothing to hide or worry about. You're perfectly fine!
    • Concealer: With the lightest shade you have, put a dot just below your lower lash line (i.e., the part that's probably plum purple). Blend it horizontally where you'd put eyeliner. If the rest of your under-eye region is discolored, touch that up with a slightly darker shade of concealer if you have it. Put a dab on the tip of your nose and on each side of the base, too.
    • Lashes: Put a light coat of mascara on your lower lashes. Curl your upper lashes firmly, but don't apply mascara there. This will keep your eyes looking natural and un-made-up, but will cause your eyes to look more open.
    • Lips: If your lips are still punched-in-the-mouth puffy and red, put a dab of nude lipstick on, or spread on a tiny dot of concealer and then apply lip balm.
  8. Meet the world. Put on a brave smile and eyeglasses if you have them. If your ex's friends spot you on the street, they'll carry back the message that you look to be doing fine without him!

Warnings

  • The best solution is to get a good night's sleep and avoid people you wouldn't want to see you crying.
  • Don't take Ibuprofen if you are allergic to it.
  • This won't fool mean people if you let them get a close look, and it won't fool best friends!
  • Excuses help!
  • One point about Step 8 above: Putting on a brave face could conceivably backfire. If you're hoping to get back together with your ex someday, your brave face could possibly divide the two of you even further. If you don't harbor such hopes, smile away! It'll help with the healing.

Things You'll Need

  • Ice pack
  • Visine or other anti-redness eye drops
  • Washcloth
  • Sink
  • Ibuprofen (Advil)
  • Makeup: concealer, mascara, eyelash curler

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