Stop Crying when You Are Very Upset

Crying is a natural instinct. It's one of the first things newborns do, and people continue to cry throughout their lives. It can communicate your feelings to others and some studies even suggest that it signals you need social support.[1] Crying can also be an emotional or behavioral response to something you see, hear or think. You may sometimes feel like you need to be alone to have "a good cry." This is natural, normal, and can be very cathartic. But, intense crying can become physically stressful, increasing your heart rate and breathing. It's understandable that you might want to stop crying when you're very upset. Fortunately, there are several things you can do to stop crying.

Steps

Addressing Your Reasons For Crying

  1. Calm yourself using deep breathing.This may be hard to do while you are sobbing, but try your best to inhale deeply (through your nose if possible), hold for a count of 7 and slowly exhale for a count of 8. Do 5 complete breaths.[2] If you cry really hard, you may hyperventilate, which can be a scary experience if you already have high anxiety. Try deep breathing a few times a day, or when you feel particularly stressed.
    • Taking long, deep breaths can help to control hyperventilation, bring down your heart rate, increase blood flow throughout your body, and reduce stress.[3][2]
  2. Identify negative or sad thoughts.[4] Many times you might continue crying because you keep having a sad or negative thought. You might think something like, “He’s left me forever,” or “I have no one…” In the moment, identifying the thought may seem like it makes it worse, but it is the first step in regaining control of your thoughts and tears.
    • If you can’t do it in the moment, reflect on the thoughts you were thinking in the moment once you’ve stopped crying.
  3. Write down what is upsetting you. If you are too upset to write a formal sentence, feel free to write anything, write messy, or even scrawl. You can simply list incomplete sentences, a page with one big feeling word, or a page full of feeling words. The point is to get these feelings and thoughts onto a page and out of your mind a little. Later on you can reflect on and discuss these feelings and thoughts when you are in a calmer state.
    • For example, you might simply write something like,"So heavy," "Hurt, betrayed, offended." Writing down what's bothering you can also help you have a conversation with someone who might be hurting you.[5]
  4. Physically distract yourself. To break the cycle of negative thoughts, try distracting yourself by tensing up your muscles or by holding a piece of ice in your hand or on your neck.[6][7] Ideally, this will draw your attention away from the thought long enough for you to regain composure.
    • You can also try to distract yourself with music. Rock and sway to center yourself and calm your body. Singing along may help you regain control of your breathing and focus on something else.
    • Go for a walk. The change of scenery from going for a walk can help stop those pervasive, negative thoughts. Physical activity may also help reset your breathing and heart rate.
  5. Change your posture. Facial expressions and posture have an effect on our moods. If you find yourself frowning or hunching over in a defeated posture, this can make you feel more negative. If possible, try to change it up. Stand up and put your hands by your sides (hands akimbo) or try the acting technique “lion face-lemon face” where you make a “rawr”, lion-type face then a puckered sour face.[8][9]
    • Changing your posture may help break the crying cycle long enough to regain your composure.
  6. Try progressive muscle relaxation. This is a technique where you tense and relax various parts of your body. Start by tightening the muscles as hard as you can for about five seconds while inhaling. Then, quickly release the tension while you exhale, then relaxing your face.[10] Then tense your neck, relax. Then your chest, hands, etc. until you work your way down to your feet.
    • Perform these relaxation techniques regularly to prevent stress from building up.[10]
    • This helps you become aware of where you are holding tension when you're crying hard.
  7. Remind yourself, “This is temporary.” Though in these moments it feels permanent, try to remind yourself that this moment will pass. This moment is not forever. This will help you see a bigger picture beyond this overwhelming moment.
    • Splash some cold water on your face. The coolness can distract you for a moment to gain control of your breathing. The cool water may also help some of the swelling (like puffy eyes) that happens after crying hard.

Considering and Preventing Crying

  1. Ask yourself if your crying is a problem. Do you feel like you're crying too much? While this is subjective, on average women cry 5.3 times a month and men 1.3 times, but this crying varies from watery eyes to sobbing.[11] These averages may not necessarily take into account times when crying is more frequent because of some sort of emotional life event, like a breakup, the death of a loved one, or other major life events. When crying fits start to feel out of your control and affect your personal or work life, then it may be considered a problem worth addressing.
    • You're more likely to feel overwhelmed and find yourself in a cycle of sad or negative thoughts during these highly emotional periods.
  2. Think about why you cry. If something is going in on your life that causes your stress or anxiety, you may be more likely to cry frequently. For example, if you're mourning the death of a loved one or just mourning the end of a relationship, crying is normal and understandable. But, sometimes life itself can become overwhelming and you may find yourself crying without understanding why you started crying in the first place.
    • In this case, excessive crying may be a sign of something more serious like depression or anxiety. If you find yourself frequently crying without understanding why, feel sad, worthless, or irritable, start experiencing pain or trouble eating, have trouble sleeping, or have suicidal thoughts, you may have depression.[12] Seek medical attention to learn treatment options.
  3. Identify crying triggers. Start being aware of the situations leading up to your crying fits and write them down.[13] When do the fits happen? Are there certain days, situations, or scenarios that elicit intense crying? Are there things that trigger a crying fit?
    • For example, if listening to a certain band reminds you of your ex, take the band off of your playlists and avoid listening to the provoking music. Same goes for pictures, smells, places, etc. If you don’t want to be exposed to these upsetting reminders, it is ok to avoid them for a while.
  4. Start journaling. Write down any negative thoughts and ask yourself if they're rational. Likewise, consider if your ideals are rational and realistic.[14] Remember to be kind to yourself. A good way to do this is to list any accomplishments or things that make you happy. Think of your journal or diary as a record of what you're grateful for.[15]
    • Try to contribute to your journal or diary every day. When you feel like you're going to cry, read what you've already written and remind yourself what makes you happy.[15]
  5. Evaluate yourself. Ask yourself, “How do I cope with conflict?” Do you typically respond with anger? Tears? Ignoring it? Chances are, if you let conflict build up by ignoring it, you'll end up in a big crying fit. Becoming aware of how to respond to conflict may help you identify what path you need to take.
    • Don't forget to ask yourself, "Who is in control?” Reclaim control over your life so you have the power to change outcomes. For example, rather than say, "That teacher is terrible and made me fail that test," admit that you didn't study enough and that led to your poor score. Next time, focus on studying and accepting the outcome.
  6. Understand how thoughts affect your emotions and behavior. If you continuously think negative thoughts, you may be fostering harmful emotions. You might even revisit negative, sad memories that happened in the distant past, which also keeps the crying going.[16] This can cause damaging behavior, including prolonged crying fits. Once you're aware of the effects your thoughts have, you can begin to change your thinking to create more positive situations.[17]
    • For example, if you keep thinking, "I'm not good enough," you may begin to feel hopeless or insecure.[17] Learn to stop the thought process before it affects your emotional well-being.
  7. Reach out. You can try reaching out to a close friend or family member to talk about what is bothering you. Call them or ask if they are available for a cup of coffee. If you feel you do not have someone you feel you can talk to, try a hotline like the Samaritans, (212-673-3000).[18]
    • If you find yourself crying frequently and feel you need some additional help, a professional counselor may be able help you. A counselor can develop a plan for you to regain control of your thoughts and cope with them appropriately.
  8. Know what to expect with professional therapy. Ask your general practitioner, check the phone book, or ask friends to refer you to a counselor or therapist.[19] Your counselor or therapist will ask about what brings you into therapy. You can say something like, “I find myself having crying fits often, and I would like to understand why they happen and how to control them.” Or even something as simple as, “I feel sad.” The counselor will ask you questions about what you’ve been experiencing, as well as a history.[20]
    • You and your therapist will discuss your goals for therapy then devise a plan on how to accomplish those goals.

Tips

  • When you feel the urge to cry, ask yourself, “Should I let myself cry? Am I in a situation where it is okay to cry?” Sometimes crying is good for you and can be very cathartic, but it may not always be appropriate in all settings.
  • To stop yourself from crying in public, try raising your eyebrows as high as they will go, as if you are surprised. It is very difficult for tears to come out this way. Yawning or chewing ice might also help.
  • Excessive crying may cause dehydration, which can lead to headaches. After you've relaxed, you should sip a tall glass of water.
  • If you need to calm down, dampen a washcloth with warm water and put it on your neck. If you're already calmed down, get a cold washcloth and put it over your eyes or forehead to help you sleep and feel better.
  • It's okay to cry in order to let your feelings out. Try going somewhere where you can be alone and calm down.
  • Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger about things that are bothering you. Talking to someone may help bring a different perspective into the mix.
  • Try to talk to yourself in a calming, relaxing voice.
  • Curl up next to a pet. Animals may not be able to give advice, but they won't judge either.
  • Keep writing down your thoughts. When you have a negative thought, ask yourself probing questions to evaluate the thought. Take steps to gain control of those thoughts.
  • Sometimes it's best to just cry; you can't hold it in forever. You have to cry and let your feelings out before you burst. Cry with a family member, friend, or someone close to you so you are more comfortable.
  • Tell yourself that you will turn out okay, whatever the situation, and know that there are people to help you.
  • Tell someone who listens to you what is troubling you.
  • When you are upset try to find a person who you connect with, like a parent or guardian and consistently talk to them about your problems-I have found this better than a counselor because I can connect better. I hope you will too.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.epjournal.net/articles/emotional-tears-facilitate-the-recognition-of-sadness-and-the-perceived-need-for-social-support/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-deep-breathing/
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/10/16/overwhelmed-these-6-strategies-may-help/
  4. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/12/identifying-feelings-stopping-self-silencing/
  5. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2013/01/09/from-crying-to-temper-tantrums-how-to-manage-emotions-at-work/
  6. ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/02/how-to-stop-yourself-from-crying.html
  7. ↑ http://www.jstor.org/stable/full/10.1086/657240
  8. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/fashion/amy-cuddy-takes-a-stand-TED-talk.html?_r=1
  9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-cuddy/body-language_b_2451277.html
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf
  11. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/02/cry.aspx
  12. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/symptoms/con-20032977
  13. ↑ http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/the-power-of-journaling
  14. ↑ http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/42517_6_pdf.pdf
  15. ↑ 15.0 15.1 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/09/10-things-i-do-every-day-to-beat-depression/
  16. ↑ http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.aspx
  17. ↑ 17.0 17.1 http://www.allaboutdepression.com/workshops/CBT_Workshop/CBT_13.html
  18. ↑ http://samaritansnyc.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/
  19. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/choose-therapist.aspx
  20. ↑ McLeod, S. A. (2014). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-therapy.html
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