Talk to Parents So They'll Understand

You live with them, you work with them, and you talk to them - parents are an integral part of every child's life. Sometimes, your parents just might not understand what you are talking about or egregiously misinterpreted what you said. If you want to learn how to tell you parents what you need to tell them in a way that they'll understand, read on.

Steps

  1. Find a time to talk when your parent is not doing something else, like dishes, working in their home office, talking on the phone, putting other kids to bed etc. Otherwise, their mind will be elsewhere and they will either get irritated or not give you their undivided attention.
  2. Schedule time to speak with your parents. "Dad, I want to talk to you about something. When would be a good time for us to talk?" They will be thrilled that you (1) recognize the importance of scheduling time to discuss an issue with them and (2) your maturity and initiative in coming to them to discuss something. They want you to talk to them, are terrified you won't so they'll jump at the chance.
  3. Plan your strategy. Let's start with what are the issues? Put them on a piece of paper. Now walk through them by yourself, what would you do if you were the parent? Have you done something to cause them to say no? Did you break a rule? Did you break their trust? Then, figure out a way to earn that trust back. Let's say for example, that you came home at 11:00 and your were supposed to be home at 9:00. Your punishment is you are grounded. Offer to do something else so you can earn the right to attend this event. Got it? Maybe you do the dishes, wash clothes, babysit your brother, massage your mother's feet! You have to figure out a strategy before your meeting.
  4. Start with a statement. Try not to say, "You did" etc. Calmly, open your meeting with a statement such as, "I feel that it's unfair that I couldn't go to the party Friday night." This statement explains the issue you want to address--stay focused and very crucial!
  5. Ask them why. "Can you help me understand why I can't go out? If I don't understand the why, then you can't address what you need to change."
  6. Ask them what their concerns are. "What are your concerns, Dad? Help me understand what your issues or concerns are?" Maybe they know something you don't. You need to develop communication between the two of you and not just assume that it's for one reason or another. Keep your voice steady, not raised or excited. Maybe they don't understand why this is important to you.
  7. Do not complain or whine. You hate hearing it; so do they. It's not going to get you anywhere--it will only make the situation worse.
  8. Keep the focus on what you want and what you feel, and be honest. "Dad, I feel really sad that you don't trust me and I want to know what to do to make you trust me," works a million times better than, "You never let me do what I want!" Be careful not to go overboard- being too smarmy will result in a quick "No!"
  9. Be respectful. Even if they annoy you, they are your parents. And they'll respect you if you respect them.
  10. Earn their trust. Understand that you need to earn their trust. Tell them you understand how important trust is. If you have broken their trust in the past, then you need to earn it moving forward. Ask them what you can do to earn their trust back.
  11. Be helpful and nice so they will be nice and helpful to you!

Tips

  • If you want to be heard, you also have to listen. Don't run off in a huff at the first opportunity; stick it out.
  • Provide a list of reasons to support your argument. Parents sometimes listen to reason if they know you've thought out and prepared your arguments. Sometimes, it even gains their respect. Also keep your communicating lines open.
  • Avoid statements that include the phrases, "You never" and, "You always ..." It just takes the focus off the main point.
  • Sugar is better than salt. You can't force a parent to give you what you want. Yelling doesn't make people want to change their mind.
  • Never give up or be scared.
  • Never say, "I don't love you anymore! " or, "I hate you!"- your parents can have their feelings hurt just like you. Avoid saying these also because your parents usually don't pay any attention to you when you say these. So it's pointless.
  • Be prepared to accept a yes or a no for an answer. Even after you've explain your reasoning and listened to theirs, sometimes parents can be dead-set on something you don't want.
  • Just pretend you're back in your room and practicing to say it or just say it to them and get it over with you'll feel better once they know and to get it out of your system.
  • Don't talk back to them because it will make it worse.
  • When your parents are calm and are ready to relax, walk up to them with a smile. Simply ask, "Can we talk? I know (the issue), but I need to understand what I did."
  • Make sure you talk to them at a good time. They should be relaxed, not rushing or stressed. Before work is not a good time. When watching TV could be a good time if they aren't absorbed in what's on. Eating dinner might be a good time if you don't have siblings that will distract your parents from what you are saying.
  • Use 'I messages' such as 'I feel' or 'I am'. Try to keep the word 'You' out of your sentences as much as possible. This will make them feel as though you are blaming them and they will immediately take the defensive side.
  • Many children are scared to talk to their parents, especially about their body. But you shouldn't be afraid; they went through a lot of the same stuff you're probably experiencing.
  • Talk to your parents and treat them like how you would want your children to treat you.
  • Be kind to your parents, talk with them, walk with them, calm down and take a deep breath.

Warnings

  • Realize sometimes parents just don't understand.
  • Always look your parents in the eye. This will let them know that you mean business.
  • Avoid yelling because it will make them mad.
  • Avoid whining.
  • You should try to improve your relationship with your parents. Talking about different things help!
  • Get their attention, by clearly speaking their name! If they don't listen talk to them louder and more clearly.

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