Encourage Your Girlfriend to Stop Flirting

Flirting can be hurtful, especially if your girlfriend does it all the time. Having an honest conversation about it is the first step to changing your relationship and working together to find a solution. However, you may also want to consider your own contribution to the situation, such as being overly jealous.

Steps

Discussing It With Your Partner

  1. Tell your partner you want to have a talk about your relationship. Mentally preparing you and your partner for a conversation is important. It gives you both a chance to think about what you want to say, and your girlfriend won't feel like you're springing it on her.[1]
    • Pick a good time to talk. Minimize distractions, and make sure you have plenty of time to sit down together face-to-face.
    • In addition, you're less likely to explode at your partner if you pick a time to address the issue head-on. Meaning, if you don't talk about the subject and hold in your emotions, you may get angry and have a fight when it's not a good time.
  2. Bring up what you're feeling. It's important to address the issue from what you're feeling. That is, you don't want to blame your girlfriend for what's happening in your relationship. Rather, you need to say what's going on in your head and heart.[2]

    • For instance, saying "You flirt too much" puts the blame on her.
    • Instead, you could say, "I feel upset when I see you flirting with other people."
  3. Discuss why you feel that way. If you know why it bothers you, you should bring that up. For instance, you may have a problem with her flirting because of the way you've been treated in the past by other girlfriends or even friends.[3]
    • Of course, to do this step properly, you must spend some time thinking about the roots of your emotion, not just spout off on why you hate flirting.
    • You could say, "I have a hard time when you talk to other guys like you want to be with them. I've had girlfriends in the past who acted the same way, and then they ended up cheating on me. I know you're not the same as them, but that's where those feelings come from."
  4. Let her react. She needs a chance to tell her side of the story. Maybe she doesn't feel like she's flirting at all. Maybe she doesn't see it as a big deal and didn't realize it bothered you. Either way, give her a chance to talk about the problem.[1]

    • When you are letting her talk, you really need to hear her out. Make sure you listen to what she has to say, and you're not just thinking about what you want to say next.
    • Another way to show you're listening is to nod your head and ask relevant follow-up questions.
  5. Ask her if she's trying to make you jealous. Sometimes, people do try to make their partners jealous on purpose. While it's not a great strategy, people do employ it sometimes, and your girlfriend may be doing that. However, if you can start talking about it, you can figure out why she feels the need to make you jealous.[4]

    • You could ask her, "I have to ask: Do you want to make me jealous on purpose? I'm not asking to blame you. I'm asking because I want to know what I'm doing that makes you feel like you need to do that."
    • If she answers yes, encourage her to talk about why, while hearing out what she has to say. If you get defensive now, you'll close the lines of communication.

Working on Solutions

  1. Talk about goals. Now that you've laid everything on the table, you need to spend some time talking about how you can make it better. That means coming up with a solution that works for both of you.[1]
    • For instance, maybe one solution could be that you tap her on the arm when you feel like she's flirting, if she's unaware of when she does it.
    • Another goal could be that you agree to discuss it each time you start feeling a little insecure (i.e. when she flirts with someone) so that you can both realize how it's affecting your relationship. The discussion doesn't have to be right in the moment. You can bring it up at the end of the day, for instance.
    • You also need to adjust your expectations. That is, you might need to realize that what you consider flirting is just her being friendly.
  2. Increase intimacy. Another way to cut down on her flirting is to turn it inward. That is, increase the flirting in your relationship. Find more ways to be intimate with each other, which can include sex, but isn't just sex.[5]
    • For instance, hold hands as you walk down the street, or steal a moment while you're cooking dinner to kiss in the kitchen.
    • Send each other little romantic notes during the day to remind the other person that you're thinking of him or her.
    • In other words, maybe your girlfriend just enjoys the act of flirting, and if you start flirting more with each other, she won't feel the need to flirt as much outside the relationship.
  3. Don't stalk. Stalking your girlfriend will just lead to more trust issues, which in turn will push her farther away. If you find yourself wanting to check her phone calls, for instance, decide to stop and walk away.[1]
    • That doesn't mean you should ignore warning signs completely. However, don't go looking for trouble instead of trusting your partner.
  4. Consider professional help. If you're having trust issues in your relationship, it may be helpful to see a therapist. A therapist can help you both work through the problems you're having in your relationship.[3]
    • A therapist can help your girlfriend figure out why she feels the need to flirt, as well as help you figure out why you are so bothered by her flirting.
    • Ask your friends if they know of a good couple's therapist, so you can get a recommendation. If you can't afford a therapist, consider a sliding scale clinic, where you will pay based on what you make.
  5. Leave your partner. Of course, the last resort if you can't work it out is to end the relationship. It's not a great solution, but if you really feel like your partner is flirting to the point of cheating, it may be the only solution that works for you. However, be sure to consider your own impact on the relationship first.

Considering Your Impact

  1. Look for signs of jealousy. If you're focused on your girlfriend's flirting, it's possible the problem could be with you. That is, you may be blowing the problem out of proportion because you have a tendency to be overly jealous. Therefore, what your girlfriend sees as just being nice to other people, you see as flirting.[3]
    • Here's some ways to check if you may be overly jealous: Do you find yourself checking up on your girlfriend by driving by her house or work? Do you ever try to read her emails or messages? Do you monitor her social media to see who she interacts with? All of these are signs you don't trust your girlfriend and that you are overly jealous.[1]
    • Some jealousy is natural. You love your girlfriend, and you want her to be only with you.
    • However, jealousy can also wreak havoc with a relationship. If your girlfriend doesn't feel like you can trust her, that will put a dividing wall between you.
  2. Realize how destructive jealousy can be. If you're jealous all the time and very possessive, you're not giving your girlfriend a choice of whether to be with you. That is, if you're constantly monitoring your girlfriend, you've made the choice for her. She can only be with you.[3]
    • In addition, it drags your girlfriend down because she will feel like she has no freedom. She may also feel criticized for not being "faithful" to you.
  3. Figure out if you're insecure. Jealousy often stems from feeling inadequate or insecure. In other words, if you think your girlfriend is flirting too much and you're jealous, you could be feeling like you're not enough for her.[3]

    • Think about if you overreact to other things in your relationship, such as when you're girlfriend talks positively about someone else. Do you feel threatened by that?
    • Do you find yourself getting angry if your partner shows any interest in other people?[3]
    • Do you often feel like you're not good enough? Answering "yes" to one or all of these questions likely means you have some feelings of insecurity.
  4. Work on your self-esteem. One way to make your relationship better is to start trying to release your own insecurities. That way, you can learn to trust your girlfriend's intentions instead of pointing the finger at what she's doing wrong and getting jealous.[1]
    • One way to work on your insecurity is to figure out where it stems from. Take some time to write about it in a journal. Have you been hurt in past relationships because someone betrayed your trust?
    • When you're thinking about past relationships, you shouldn't just focus on romantic relationships. Familial relationships and friendships can also lead to insecurity if someone in one of those relationships betrayed you.
    • Also, take some time to build yourself up. One exercise you can try is writing out 10 strengths and 10 weaknesses. Making yourself come up with 10 strengths can help change your perception of yourself. If you can't think of anything, think about compliments you've received in the past and build on those.[6]
    • It's also important to try to filter out negative thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking something negative about yourself or your life, stop yourself, and turn it into something positive or constructive. For example, instead of "I'm terrible at my job," try to think "I have certain strengths at this job, such as I'm detail-oriented, and I'm working to improve the skills I'm weak at."

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
  2. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2013/05/is-jealousy-threatening-your-relationship-five-checkpoints/
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/8-surprising-myths-about-relationships/
  5. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/17/jealous-in-your-relationship-stop-stalking-start-talking/
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/30/6-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
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