Stop Being an Overly Jealous Girlfriend and Start Being the Best Girlfriend
Do you find yourself getting nagging feelings of jealousy when your partner is talking to other girls? Do you worry that you’re smothering the relationship with your fears? To stop being an overly-jealous girlfriend and start being a dream girl, follow these instructions.
Contents
Steps
Feeling secure
- Learn to feel good about yourself. Most feelings of jealousy come from feeling insecure and thinking that someone else can make your partner happier or bring more to the table. Remember that your partner chose you, not anyone else. Stop obsessing over your weight, height, or looks; your constant negativity is draining… for you and your partner both. Worse yet, an overactive attitude of insecurity can drive people away, turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy that drives you deeper into the hole of fear and self-neglect. Accept yourself as you are. Your partner is with you for a reason and obviously finds you attractive, but even if he weren’t and didn’t, you should never let anyone else’s opinion define or validate yours.
- Read How to Build Self Confidence for help in becoming a more centered, stable person.
- Deal with past hurts. Most people have them – and many let them spill over into new relationships by either re-enacting the same unhealthy dynamic over and over again or by looking at their wonderful new partners with a skeptical eye. If necessary, learn how to cope with emotional pain so that you can feel better about yourself and be able to see your current relationship for what it really is.
- Learn what it means to have a healthy relationship. Whether you’re new to the game or have been at it for years, it’s not always easy to know what a relationship is supposed to be and feel like. Many people don’t grow up with good examples of healthy relationships among their friends, family, or even parents. What’s worse, having one awful relationship can completely throw off your sense of balance and self-trust, making you second-guess your every move for years to follow. Read How to Have a Healthy Relationship for more details.
Assessing your relationship's stability
- Reassess your current relationship. Once you’ve done some soul-searching and have a clearer perspective on things, it’s time to look at your relationship with a fresh eye. Do your jealousy, doubt, and fear stem from your own issues with self-worth… or is that something you’ve been telling yourself to justify your partner’s unsatisfactory behavior? Even if you haven’t been as stable a girlfriend as you should be, that doesn’t mean you should overlook or write off your partner’s transgressions to over-correct for your own feelings of guilt; it’s always possible that your out-of-control feelings were the result of trying to suppress your own gut instincts – or, at the very least, that you both have played a hand in making the relationship what it is today. Before taking the fall for your jealousy and instability, read any articles below that you think may apply to you. Only when you’re sure where you and your partner truly stand can you begin the healing process.
Toning down the jealousy and starting over
- Give your partner space. If you’ve been dogging his footsteps, confronting him with accusations, stalking his social media profiles, or exhibiting any other desperate behavior, your first order of business is to back off. Take a few deep breaths, detach, and play it cool for a while. Find opportunities to be with friends, go to an event you’ve been interested in, and turn him down for at least one get-together. Be very careful not to act vindictive about this; the point isn’t to punish him, give him the cold shoulder, or manipulate him into begging for forgiveness, but to give the both of you a break so you can blow off a little steam, get some perspective, and hopefully save the relationship.
- Read How to Give Your Boyfriend Space for more advice.
- Breathe new life into the relationship. Before you can do any in-depth work on yourself or as a couple, you need to do damage control on your strained relationship. Start by striking a healthy balance between giving your partner space and increasing the quality of your time together. Pursue your own interests in a meaningful, enriching way: after all, part of what attracts people to one another is mystery, and if you spend all your time checking in on your partner with calls, texts, emails, and Facebook posts, there can hardly be any intrigue left in what you do. Split your time more evenly between your partner and your friends and allow your partner to do the same. Rediscover your interest in a former passion or, if necessary, find a new hobby that will make your non-romantic time more meaningful. Then, when you both have remembered what it’s like to miss one another, improve your time together by going on a vacation or Have a Staycation, trying something new like taking a partner dance class, or lightening the mood by being playful and maintaining the romance.
- Build your communication. This is something the two of you need to work on together; many relationship woes could be cured, if not avoided altogether, if couples simply learned how to truly and effectively communicate with one another. A big part of communicating effectively is knowing how to broach an unpleasant topic without putting your partner on the defensive (or, worse yet, the offensive). Start by curbing your accusations: learn to state what you feel (ex. “I feel afraid when you stay out late and don’t tell me where you are or how long you’ll be there”) instead of what you fear (“I’m worried you’re cheating on me”), which can be come off like a slap in the face. Be honest about your thoughts and concerns while you’re having them instead of stockpiling them for later and letting them explode one day out of the blue. Read How to Communicate Effectively for more guidance.
- Learn to trust. Trust issues can make you go crazy. Ask yourself who it is you really mistrust: your partner, your partner’s friends… or yourself? Coming to the realization that you still don’t trust yourself in love or that you’re simply threatened by other girls is a good thing; both stem from the same issue, can be worked on, and are totally within your control. Learn how to trust your boyfriend again for his and your sake both.
- He didn't text you back? Big deal. Obsessing over things like this will only come across as annoying; if you are laid back and don't expect instantaneous replies to everything, etc, he will not get irritated. Don't call him to see if he's still there - take a deep breath and let it go. He will reply when he can.
- Don’t ask him to stop going certain places. Part of jealousy is the desire to control others, and by giving him freedom, you show that you trust him and make him more likely to respect you.
- Don’t write a blank check of trust. If you are genuinely concerned about something, do not be afraid to (gently) broach the topic. Mention that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he talks to certain girls, or tell him honestly about a behavior he has that bothers you. Don't overreact or make accusations. Simply state how you feel and, if he respects that, he will try to work it out.
- If your boyfriend simply isn’t trustworthy, it’s his turn to roll up his sleeves and match some of the hard work you’ve been putting into the relationship. If he can’t or won’t do it, dump him and start looking for someone who will.
- Be an awesome girlfriend. Okay, so you’ve managed to salvage the relationship and heal the damage that has been done. How do you step it up a notch? To become the girlfriend he fantasizes about coming home to, read How to Be a Good Girlfriend.
Tips
- When you're not together and it's you who's out, don't be afraid to let him know you miss him. He might also get used to texting you at those times, and message you when he's out.
- Convince yourself by telling yourself that you aren't jealous. Say it enough times to yourself and it may be a self-fulfilling reality.
- Don't automatically hate his female friends. Most likely, they're perfectly nice and even potential friends for you too.
- Don't involve your family or friends in your relationship because they will end up not liking him even after you proved you were wrong about him cheating.
Warnings
- Anger is the worst reaction to have in this situation. Don't insult the other girl or him. Keep your cool.
- Do not spy on him to make sure he's not cheating on you, etc. If he were to catch you, it would only exacerbate the problem or create new ones.
- Do not try to play the jealousy game to get back at him. He probably has no idea he is making you feel this way, so it is futile and probably harmful to try to make him jealous.
