Get Over Rejection

No matter your age, background, skills and wow factor, you're never too old, too beautiful, or too smart to be rejected. The only way to guarantee you’ll never be rejected is to never try to do anything and to never interact with anyone else, ever. That’s no way to live, though, so at some point, you will experience rejection in your life. Common situations for rejection include love, studies, work, sports, or business. You don’t have to let rejection destroy you, however! Overcoming rejection isn't about denying or pretending everything is fine––it's about learning to cope well and move on with living.

Steps

Getting Past the Initial Hurt

  1. Understand that your pain is normal. Feeling hurt after rejection is a normal human response with both emotional and physiological causes. Research has shown that experiencing unexpected rejection actually causes physical symptoms: emotional pain activates the same neurons in your brain as physical pain does. [1] In fact, experiencing rejection can actually make you feel literally “heartbroken” because it activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for things like your heart rate.[2]
    • Experiencing rejection from a romantic relationship, such as with a nasty breakup, can actually trigger the same responses in the brain as withdrawing from a drug addiction.[2]
    • People who suffer from depression may have an even harder time with feelings of rejection, according to research. Because depression inhibits the release of opioids, or your body’s natural painkillers, depressed individuals who experience rejection may feel the hurt more acutely and for longer than non-depressed people.[3]
  2. Allow yourself to feel upset. Rejection causes real pain, both emotional and often physical. Denying or minimizing your hurt -- for example, brushing off a rejection from your top college choice by saying “it’s no big deal” -- can actually make it worse in the long run.[4] You need to acknowledge that your hurt feelings are normal so that you can begin to move on from them.
    • It’s fairly common for society to promote “being tough” or “keeping a stiff upper lip,” as though accepting and expressing your emotions makes you an inferior person. This is far from the truth, however. People who repress their emotions rather than allow themselves to experience them actually have more difficulty resolving their problems, and may also continue to create situations where they experience negative feelings.
  3. Express your feelings. Expressing your emotions will help you accept that you’re going through something painful.[5] Rejection can create intense feelings of disappointment, abandonment, and loss, and you will probably have an initial grieving period to deal with not getting what you had hoped for.[6] Do not belittle or bottle up your feelings.
    • Cry if you feel like it. Crying can actually reduce feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and irritability. It can also reduce your body’s stress levels. So yes, real men (and women) do cry -- and should.[7]
    • Try not to scream, shout, or punch things. Research suggests that even expressing anger through aggression towards an inanimate object, such as a pillow, can actually heighten your feelings of anger.[8] It’s more productive to write about your feelings, reflecting on exactly why you feel angry.[9]
    • Expressing your feelings through creative outlets such as art, music, or poetry can be very helpful. However, try to stay away from extremely sad or angry things, as these can actually make you feel worse.[10]
  4. Examine your feelings. It’s helpful to understand exactly ‘’why’’ you feel upset after experiencing a rejection. Were you disappointed that someone else was picked for the team rather than you? Were you hurt that the person you’re interested in doesn’t return your feelings? Did you feel unworthy because your job application was turned down?? Thinking through your feelings will help you understand how to address them.[11]
    • Use this opportunity to consider the reasons that might have been behind the rejection. This is not about picking yourself apart; it's about making a sensible analysis of what you might wish to do differently next time. Whatever the reasons you find––such as avoiding people who are overly narcissistic, getting your essays turned in on time or training harder––these can give you a practical platform to work from rather than staying focused on the act of rejection itself.
  5. Stick to the facts. It can be easy for your self-esteem to take a nose-dive after you’ve been rejected, especially if that rejection was highly personal, such as romantic rejection. However, as you examine your feelings and thoughts, try to keep your statements as factual as possible.
    • For example, rather than saying “That girl I like refused to go to the prom with me because I’m fat and ugly,” stick to what you actually ‘’know’’: “That girl I like didn’t want to go to the prom with me.” It’s still rejection, and it still hurts, but the second way of thinking avoids shaming or criticizing yourself, which are very unhealthy behaviors.
    • Rejection actually temporarily lowers your IQ.[12] So if you’re having trouble thinking through your feelings clearly, don’t feel bad about it -- you actually can’t help it.
  6. Avoid lashing out at others. Because rejection hurts, some individuals react to the pain it causes by becoming angry and/or lashing out at others. This response can be a way to try to reassert control or demand that others pay attention to them. However, this response can actually cause further rejection and isolation, so while it’s tempting to get angry and aggressive after you’re rejected, try not to.[13]
  7. Take some ibuprofen or acetaminophen. Believe it or not, research indicates that emotional hurt runs along many of the same pathways as physical hurt. Because of this, taking a normal dose of over-the-counter painkillers such as Advil or Tylenol for three weeks has been shown to reduce the lingering effects of emotional pain from rejection.[14]
    • Use only over-the-counter pain medicine and don’t take more than the daily recommended dose. You want to treat your pain, not start an addiction.
  8. Stay healthy. Eat good food and exercise regularly. Don’t self-medicate by over-consuming alcohol or using dangerous substances.[6] Exercise actually releases natural painkillers, called opioids, so whenever you feel so pent up that you're fit to burst, go for a walk, cycle, swim or other activity you love to actively do.[13]
    • Try to channel your energy into physically aggressive activities like running, kick boxing, taekwondo or karate, if you are feeling angry about your rejection.
  9. Hang out with friends. Feeling a loss of connection is one of the big side-effects of rejection. Connect with people who love and support you. Research has shown that having fun, healthy interactions with people you enjoy can boost your body’s recovery systems. Experiencing emotional acceptance from your friends and family can help you overcome the pain of feeling rejected.[13]
  10. Have fun. Distract yourself from the painful thoughts and find ways to involve yourself in things that help you to feel good. Watch funny shows, listen to parody podcasts, or go to see comedies at the cinema. While having fun won’t immediately mend your broken heart, it will help reduce your feelings of anger and increase your positive emotions.[12]
    • Laughter is particularly important after experiencing rejection because it triggers the release of chemicals known as endorphins, which result in feelings of positivity and well-being. Laughter can even increase your tolerance of physical pain![15]
  11. Share your feelings of rejection with someone you trust. This person might be your best friend, a sibling, a parent or a therapist. Tell them what has happened and how it has made you feel. They may tell you about their own experiences of rejection and what they did to cope; this can be helpful for you to learn from.[16]

Overcoming the Rejection

  1. Practice self-compassion. Rejection can take a serious toll on your self-esteem, leading you to beat yourself up over mistakes or believe that you will never be successful or happy. Practicing self-compassion can help you learn to accept mistakes and failures as part of living, rather than obsessing over them.[12] Self-compassion has three basic elements:[17]
    • Self-kindness. Self-kindness means extending the same kindness and understanding to yourself as you would to a loved one. It doesn’t mean that you excuse your mistakes or ignore problems, just that you recognize that you’re not perfect. Loving yourself also allows you to be more loving toward others.
    • Common humanity. Recognizing your common humanity means embracing the fact that negative experiences, including rejection, are part of human life and not necessarily due to anything about you. Understanding this can also help you move past rejection, as you realize that rejection really does happen to everyone.
    • Mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness means acknowledging and accepting the experiences you’re having without judgment. Practicing mindfulness through meditation can help you process your negative emotions without focusing too much on them.
  2. Avoid personalizing the rejection. It can be very easy to view rejection as confirmation of our worst fears about ourselves: that we’re not skilled at something, that we’re not worth loving, that we’re never going to be successful. However, learning to avoid personalizing your experiences of rejection will help you take positive lessons from them and feel less emotionally devastated.[4]
    • Don’t “catastrophize.” Catastrophizing is basically blowing out of proportion some mistake or failure you made while ignoring your own positive qualities. If you are rejected from a job offer, it doesn’t mean that you will never find a job and end up living in a box under a bridge somewhere. If you get negative comments back on an essay or job, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and improve. Catastrophizing takes away the possibility for you to see how you can learn and grow from your experiences -- even the truly negative ones such as rejection.
  3. Make a list of your positive characteristics. Rejection often kicks you right in the gut and the negative voices in your head can grow stronger––if you let them. To counteract the desire to only find what's wrong with yourself, be proactive and write a list of all your great, positive and strong characteristics. Studies show that when you consciously remind yourself that you are valued and worth loving, you not only are able to overcome rejection better, you develop resilience to later rejection.[18]
  4. See rejection for what it is. It is a change in what you hoped for, often an abrupt and undesirable one. But it's also a chance to reorient your pathway to something more productive and more likely to work for you. Although it hurts as you're going through it, rejection can teach you how to develop your strengths and focus your energies productively.[2]
    • For example, if you’ve just been through a breakup, the person who no longer wishes to be your intimate partner has just made it clear that you both wouldn't make it as a couple in the long run. While that rejection stings, it’s better to recognize the unworkable situation now than to invest heavily in someone only to discover much later that you are unlikely to ever be compatible.
  5. Let time heal. It's a cliché for good reason––time mends because you get the perspective of distance. You also have the chance to do some personal growing, which will help you look at things in a different light. It is very hard as you're working through the pain, but over time, you will likely come to realize that what was lost was not meant to be.[12]
  6. Learn something new. Learning how to do something you’ve always wanted to do will help you feel successful, which can repair your wounded self-confidence. Learning something pleasant such as cooking, guitar, or a new language will also boost your mood.
    • You can also consider things like assertiveness training. Sometimes, people experience rejection because they weren’t clear enough in communicating their desires and needs. You may find that learning to be more assertive about what you want and need lessens your chances of being rejected.[19]
    • There may be times when you have doubts when you try something new. Do it all slowly, to avoid overwhelming yourself. If you've decided to overhaul parts of your life, it will be understandable that at times you'll feel like a novice and have all the feelings of inadequacy that accompany that. Try to push through any such feelings though and realize that "beginner's mind" is actually a positive state to be in, as you are receptive to new ways of perceiving everything.
  7. Treat yourself. “Retail therapy” actually can have positive effects. For example, research shows that when you go shopping, you may envision how what you buy will fit into your new life. Buying an item of clothing that looks great on you or getting a smart new haircut can increase your self-confidence.[20]
    • Don't use spending as a salve for your pain, or you'll simply mask what needs dealing with. Additionally, don’t go overboard with your spending, or you could end up simply adding to your stress levels. However, it can be uplifting to allow yourself a treat or two, especially if it helps you to get on your new path to brighter things

Staying Strong

  1. Remember that not everyone will be compatible with you. If your rejection was more personal, such as a breakup or not making the sports team, it can be tempting to see these instances as confirmation that you’re somehow an inferior person. However, by becoming comfortable with yourself and remembering that there are some people in this world who simply aren’t compatible with you, you’ll be able to accept their rejection and move on without becoming obsessed by it. Remember: the more you love yourself, the less you’ll need to rely on others for validation.[16]
  2. Practice being rejected in a low-stakes environment. Putting yourself into situations where you might experience rejection without any huge negative or personal consequences can help you learn that rejection often has nothing to do with you personally.[4]
    • For example, asking for something that you know is likely to be refused (but that isn’t terribly important to you) can help you practice dealing with rejection.
  3. Keep taking risks. People who’ve been rejected may become risk-averse, where they stop trying things or approaching people because they’ve allowed their fear of being rejected to dominate their thinking. It’s very important to remain positive and hopeful even in the face of rejection.[4]
    • For example, if you are having a conversation with a friend and you feel rejected in some way, you might “tune out” of the conversation to protect yourself from feeling hurt. While this can lessen your initial discomfort, it also disconnects you from others and can actually end up making the rejection worse.[18]
    • Remember: you are rejected from 100% of the opportunities you don’t seek.
  4. Expect to succeed (but understand you might not). This balance is very tricky to accomplish, but it’s important to keeping you healthy even after experiencing rejection. Research shows that whether you believe you will fail or succeed at something influences how hard you will work at achieving that goal, which indirectly affects your performance. Believing that you will succeed actually helps you try harder.[2]
    • However, it’s important to remember that your perception of whether you’ll succeed doesn’t determine your actual success, only whether you put more or less effort into the attempt. It’s still possible (and, at some point in your life, probable) to fail at something you felt good about and worked hard at.
    • Understanding that you can only control your own actions, not the outcome, will help you depersonalize rejection when it happens.[5] Acknowledge to yourself that rejection is a possibility, but that you will do your best regardless of the outcome.
  5. Practice forgiveness. When you’re feeling hurt and disappointed due to rejection, the last thing on your mind might be forgiving the person(s) who caused those feelings. However, trying to empathize with the other person may help you deal with your emotions. Try to think about why the other person may have said “no.” Often, you’ll realize that their actions don’t have anything to do with you.[11]

Tips

  • Keep this quote from basketball legend Michael Jordan in mind: ““I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game-winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”[21]
  • Not all rejection is created equal. For example, if you believe you were rejected for a job due to discrimination, you have legal avenues to pursue that can make things right.
  • Research shows that if you are positive and approach people and situations expecting acceptance, you are more likely to get it. This doesn’t mean you’ll never face rejection, but it does mean that your attitude can really affect how others treat you.[18]

Warnings

  • Process your feelings, but don’t dwell on them. Obsessing over negative emotions can actually hinder you from making a recovery.
  • Don’t give in to anger or aggression, even when you’re feeling hurt. Lashing out at others may temporarily make you feel relieved, but ultimately it will cause more hurt to you and the other person.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/28/the-pain-of-romantic-rejection-like-being-punched-in-the-gut/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide
  3. ↑ http://www.torontosun.com/2015/02/27/depression-makes-it-chemically-difficult-to-get-over-rejection
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/19/7-tips-to-avoid-personalizing-rejection/
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201308/how-cope-rejection
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20047261?pg=2
  7. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/06/06/7-good-reasons-to-cry-your-eyes-out/
  8. ↑ http://www.psychologicalscience.org/media/myths/myth_30.cfm
  9. ↑ http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/healthiest-ways-express-anger
  10. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 http://teenshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/rejection.html#
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 12.2 12.3 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 13.2 http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx
  14. ↑ http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/tips-handling-rejection
  15. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html?_r=0
  16. ↑ 16.0 16.1 http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/Dr-Phil-How-to-Get-Over-Rejection
  17. ↑ http://www.self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion.html
  18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 18.2 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/rejection-coping-methods-research_n_4919538.html
  19. ↑ http://www.education.udel.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/SociallyRejected.pdf
  20. ↑ http://business.time.com/2013/04/16/is-retail-therapy-for-real-5-ways-shopping-is-actually-good-for-you/
  21. ↑ http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/capitalbusiness/career-coach-dealing-with-rejection-and-setbacks/2012/05/04/gIQAfS3J6T_story.html
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