Handle Rejection

Any kind of rejection, no matter if it's in love, your career, friends, a book proposal or anything else, is not something that should affect how happy you are. Rejection doesn't feel great and sometimes it feels unfathomable but it shouldn't be something you permit to take away happiness from your life. The reality of life is that rejection will form a part of it––there will be occasions when your job application, your date request or your ideas for change will be rejected by someone, somewhere. It is a healthy attitude to accept that rejection is a part of life and to acknowledge that what really matters is finding the way to bounce back and try again.

Steps

Dealing With the Immediate Aftermath

  1. Have an appropriate grieving period. You are going to feel upset because of a rejection, whether it's having your manuscript rejected, an idea rejected at work, being rejected by a potential romantic partner. You are allowed to be upset about that, and, in fact, it's healthy for you to give yourself some to time to process and grieve.
    • Take some time out of your life to process the rejection. For example: if you can take the rest of the day off work, do that. Or if you were planning on going out that night, stay in and watch a movie instead. Go for a walk after an upsetting letter rejection, or allow yourself to binge on that chocolate cake.
    • Make sure that you don't go overboard and spend days sitting in your house wallowing in your misery. That will only make you feel worse in the long run.
  2. Talk to a trusted friend. Now, this is not to say you get free rein to shout your pain about the rejection from the rooftops. This will only tell people (your potential publisher, that girl that you liked, your boss) that you're whiny and dramatic and can't handle life. So get a trusted friend/family member or two and talk it over with them.[1]
    • The friend you want is the one who will tell it to you straight. They can help you sort out what went wrong (if anything; sometimes there aren't things you can change and you should just let it be). They can also make sure that you stay on track with your grieving period so that you don't start wallowing.
    • Avoid getting on social media to air your grievances. The internet never forgets and when you're trying to get that fab new job, your employer might check the internet and see that you don't handle rejection well. No matter how upset or angry you are, just don't.
    • Don't complain too much. Again, you don't want to wallow in the rejection, otherwise you're going to work yourself up into a state of righteous (or depressed) fervor. Don't start in about your rejection every time you're talking with your friend. If you think you've gone overboard, make sure to ask them "Am I dwelling on this rejection too much?" If they say yes, adjust accordingly.
  3. Accept the rejection early. The earlier you accept the rejection and attempt to move on from it, the easier a time you're going to have. It will also mean that you won't let rejections in the future absolutely flatten you.
    • For example: if you don't get that job you were really hoping for, allow the appropriate time to be upset and then let it go. It's time to start looking for something else, or examining what maybe you could change for the future. It's good to keep in mind that when one thing doesn't work out, something else usually will and usually in a way you didn't expect.
  4. Do not take rejection personally. Remember that the rejection says nothing about you as a person. Getting rejected is part of life and it is not a personal attack. For whatever reason the publisher, the girl, your boss, wasn't interested in a particular thing.
    • Rejection isn't your fault, per se. The other person (or people) was rejecting something particular that didn't work for them. They were rejecting the request, not you.
    • Remember, they can't reject you as a person because they don't know you. Even if you've gone on a few dates with someone, that doesn't mean they know everything about you and are thus rejecting you as a person. They are rejecting a situation that doesn't work for them. Respect that.
    • For example: you asked out that girl you really liked, and she said "no." Does this mean that you are worthless? Does this mean no one will ever want to date you? No, of course not. She simply isn't interested in the request (for whatever reason; she could be in a relationship, she could be not interested in dating, etc.).
  5. Do something else. You need to get your mind off the rejection after the appropriate grieving time. Don't immediately get back to work on whatever it was that was rejected, because you'll still be dwelling on the rejection. You need a little space and time from it.
    • For example: say you sent a novel manuscript off to a publisher and it got rejected. After grieving for a bit, move on to a different story, or take some time trying your hand at different writing (trying out poetry, or short stories).
    • Doing something fun can be a great way to get your mind out of the rejection and to help you other focus. Go out dancing, buy that new book that you really wanted, take the weekend and go to the beach with a friend.
    • You cannot let rejection bring your life to a screeching halt, because you are going to have lots of instances of rejection in your life (as everyone does). By moving on with your life and doing other things, you aren't letting rejection ruin your life.

Dealing With the Rejection Long-Term

  1. Re-frame the rejection. Remembering that rejection is not about you as person, it's time to re-frame your rejection into something else. People who talk about "being rejected" tend to take rejections more poorly than people who re-frame the rejection into something that focuses on the situation itself, not them.[2]
    • For example: If you ask someone on a date and they say no, instead of saying "they rejected me," say "They said no." This way you aren't framing the rejection as something bad about you (they aren't rejecting you after all, they are saying no to a proposition you made).
    • Some further examples of ways to re-frame the rejection are "the friendship grew apart" (instead of a friend rejected you), "I didn't get the job" (instead of "they rejected my job application"), "we had different priorities" (instead of "they rejected me").
    • One of the best ones to use is "it didn't work out" because it removes the blame from them and from you.
  2. Know when to quit. When something doesn't work out, that doesn't always mean you should give up, but it's important to recognize when it's time to give up and move on. Often not giving up, actually means, moving on from that particular instance, but trying again in a more general sense.[3]
    • For example, if you asked someone out and they said no, not giving up means not giving up on the idea of finding love. Move on from them (do not hound them to give you a chance), but don't give up on asking other people out.
    • Another example: if your manuscript gets rejected by one publisher, it is good to stop and reflect on what it was that didn't work for them, but you should keep trying with other publishers and agents.
    • Always remember, you are not entitled to a "yes" response. Since it doesn't invalidate your existence to be rejected, don't turn it around and blame someone for the rejection.
  3. Don't allow it to control your future. Rejection, as has already been said, is a part of life. Trying to avoid it, or dwelling on it will make you unhappy. You need to be able to accept that things don't always work out the way you want them to and that's okay! Just because one thing didn't work out, doesn't mean you're a failure, or that nothing will work out.
    • Each instance is unique. Even if that one guy said no to a date, it does not mean that every guy you are interested in will say no. Now, if you start to believe that you will always be rejected, you will! You will set yourself up for failure each time.
    • Keep yourself going forward. Dwelling on the past rejections are going to keep you mired in the past and won't let you enjoy the present. For example: if you keep thinking about the number of times you were rejected for jobs, you're going to have a hard time sending out resumes and pursuing different avenues.
  4. Use it to improve. Sometimes rejection can be an important wake-up call and can help you improve your life. The publisher might have rejected your manuscript because you still need to work on your writing (it might not have been publishable, but that doesn't mean you'll never be publishable!).[4]
    • If you can, ask the person who rejected you to give you some feedback on why they weren't interested. For example: maybe your resume wasn't up to snuff and instead of going off in a huff and saying no one will ever hire you, you ask the potential job what you could do to improve. They may not get back to you, but if they do they might offer you valuable insight for your next attempt.
    • For a relationship you can ask why they aren't interested in dating you, but it could be something as simple as "I just don't see you that way." There's nothing you can do to change their mind, so the lesson here is how to deal appropriately with that disinterest and how to keep being positive about the potential for a relationship in your life (even if it isn't with that person!).
  5. Stop dwelling on it. It's time to let that rejection go. You've already given yourself time to grieve, you've talked it over with a trusted friend, you've learned what you can from it, and now put it in the past. The more you dwell on it, the bigger it will become and the more you'll feel like you can never succeed.
    • If you find yourself really and truly unable to let go of the rejection, you will need to seek professional help. Sometimes thought patterns ("I'm not good enough," etc.) get entrenched in your psyche and each rejection only furthers the entrenchment. A good professional can help you move past that.

Handling Rejecting a Proposal

  1. Remember you are allowed to say "no." This can be a hard one for a lot of people, especially women, but you are under no obligation to say "yes" to something you don't want to do. Of course there are caveats; when the flight attendant says "sit down" you do so.
    • If someone asks you on a date and you don't want to go with them, you can tell them in a straightforward manner that you simply aren't interested.
    • If your friend really wants to go on a trip that you don't want to do/can't afford, it won't destroy their world if you say no!
  2. Be direct. One of the best ways to reject a proposal is to be as direct as possible. Don't be cagey or talk around it. Direct does not equal mean, although some people will take it that way. There isn't any way to reject someone's proposal (of anything: a date, a manuscript, a job) without giving some pain.
    • For example: someone asks you out and you aren't interested. Say "I'm really flattered, but I don't feel that way about you." If they won't take the hint, get angrier and tell them in unequivocal terms "I am not and will not be interested and the fact that you won't leave me alone is making me even less likely to ever be interested."
    • From the second example above, when your friend proposes the trip say, "Thanks for thinking of me! I really can't afford to go on vacation, even for a weekend. Maybe next time." This way you don't cut off possibility of future fun, but you tell your friend straight up that you don't want to go without saying "maybe" and things like that.
  3. Give specific reasons. While you don't owe anyone an explanation, it can help the person whose proposal you're rejecting if you're specific about why you aren't interested. If there are areas of improvement (especially in things like a manuscript or a resume) you might mention those as things that could work on.
    • For a relationship one, simply tell them that you're not interested and you don't feel that way about them. If they press for more reasons, tell them that attraction and love aren't things you have control over and that they need to accept that you're not interested.
    • If you're rejecting someone's poem from your magazine (and you have time), explain what about the poem didn't work for you (poem structure, clichés, etc.). You don't have to say that it was terrible, but you can say that it needed some work before it was publishable.
  4. Do it quickly. By doing the rejecting as soon as possible you aren't letting emotions build up and fester. It's like ripping off a band-aid (to use a cliché). Within as short a period as possible, explain to them that the proposal (a trip with a friend, a date with someone, a person's manuscript, etc.) doesn't work for you.
    • The more quickly you do it, the more quickly they will be able to get over it and use the experience to improve.

Tips

  • Find a way to unwind after a rejection. Some people turn to their faith, others to a hot bath and meditation. Find ways to clear your mind, get over the bad feelings and restore your equilibrium.
  • If someone rejects you from love, it does not mean you should feel poorly of yourself or feel bad. It just means that they didn't feel the attraction. And you cannot alter that.
  • Just because someone said no to whatever you are trying to get them to say yes to does not mean they don't see the good in you, so rather than focus on the no shake it off and focus on the good in yourself.
  • Most achievement and acceptance is about hard work. Sometimes we're not as willing to admit to ourselves that we still have more work to do before we're as polished as we need to be. Do be enthusiastic about your chances but also be realistic that there is still some learning and experience needed. Throw yourself into getting it sorted rather than pining over rejection.
  • Seek professional help if you keep feeling depressed after rejection. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs, even if they seem to help in the short run. In the long run, they can be extremely destructive forces.
  • Don't be afraid to say no, nothing is worse than someone leading you on and wasting time and emotions.
  • Believe in yourself.

Warnings

  • If you keep taking rejection extremely personally, consider speaking to a counselor or therapist––if you are suffering from depression, anxiety or other mental health issues, you might not have the resilience needed to cope with life's ongoing pressures and need added support. It's nothing to be ashamed or afraid of––every person needs a compassionate guide in life now and then.
  • People won't always get back to you when you ask for feedback on rejection. That's life––sometimes they're too busy, other times they're at a loss for words as to how to explain something in a way that won't sound too critical or personal. And sometimes, they truly can't be bothered. Again, don't take it personally––see if you can find someone else you trust and who does have time to go over what happened with you, to try to see how to make future improvements.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://eegilbert.org/rejection.html
  2. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201107/dealing-rejection-part-1-handling-others-rejecting-behavior
  3. ↑ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-avoiding-rejection-actually-opens-you-up-to-more-why-its-not-always-rejection/
  4. ↑ http://thewritepractice.com/how-to-handle-rejection/
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