Get Your Husband to Quit Checking out Pretty Women

Watching your husband’s eyes dart towards a pretty girl walking by can be frustrating, annoying, and insulting, even if he doesn’t mean it that way. You may never be able to get him to avoid looking altogether, but you can certainly get him to understand why it bothers you, and direct his attention back towards you. When you notice your husband looking, be sure to consider why he is doing it. Once you know that, you can approach him about it and maybe change his behavior a little bit.

Steps

Reacting to It

  1. Remain calm. It will do neither of you any good to get angry right away. It is likely to make him more defensive. At that point, he may start blaming you for whatever arguing you do next, rather than considering ways to change it.[1]
  2. Use non-verbal cues to get his attention. Sometimes your husband is only momentarily distracted by what he sees. A gentle reminder that you are still there, like touching his arm, can snap his attention back to you. It can also be a subtle way to get back his attention while not openly stating that you saw him looking.[2]
  3. Acknowledge and laugh it off. Just because your husband is looking at a pretty girl doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive. Saying so out loud to him lets your husband know that you saw him, but that you still want him talking to you. A friendly reminder like this can remind him of what’s important, while also having a little bit of fun.[3]
    • Something like, “That girls looks good in that dress, doesn’t she?” is a good way to acknowledge what is happening and draw your husband’s attention back to you.
    • It is okay to acknowledge that some people are just really good looking, or dressed well. Openly communicating about anything is the sign of a healthy relationship, and your ability to speak positively about another woman’s attractiveness will help him feel more comfortable with you.[4]

Talking to Your Husband

  1. Wait to have the conversation. You don’t want to immediately start yelling at your husband’s looking. That will only make him more defensive about his actions, or turn the conversation back onto you and your reaction. Instead, talk about it later when you two are alone.
    • Waiting to talk can also help if you think your husband is trying to get a reaction out of you. When you don’t respond or acknowledge his actions, he will eventually notice. From there, he will certainly want to talk, which gives you an opportunity to discuss your feelings more in depth. [1]
  2. Focus on your emotions with “I feel” statements. When you talk to your husband, using “I feel” statements is a good way to get your ideas across without necessarily accusing him of doing something deliberately wrong. This puts the focus on your emotions, which you can interpret and control, rather than trying to guess at his motivations.[3]
    • Try using statements like “I feel unattractive when I see you look at other women,” or “You make me feel unattractive when you look at other women,” rather than “I can’t believe you looked at that women!” They are less accusatory, and give him an opening to explain his actions.[4]
  3. Be honest about your feelings. Whenever you talk to your husband about his looking, be clear about that fact that him looking at women bothers you. If you want your husband to be honest about his actions with you, it is only fair that you are honest with him. Besides, if he doesn’t know that it bothers you, he won’t know that he needs to change his behavior.[4]
  4. Avoid shaming him for his behavior. You want your husband to be open with you, so it is important to not shame him if he does admit to staring or looking. Instead keep the focus on your feelings. You want him to think about you, and how his behavior affects how you feel.[5]
  5. Notice his reaction. It is a good sign if he responds by reassuring you about how it is unrelated to his feelings for you. On the other hand if he becomes defensive, or accuses you of overreacting, that suggests he is not thinking enough about your feelings and how his behavior impacts them.[4]

Interpreting Your Husband’s Actions

  1. Determine what kind of look it was. Consider the way your husband is looking at these women. There is a difference between a quick glance, which can be a biological reflex, or a lingering stare, which is disrespectful both to you and the other woman.[4]
    • Consider any other behavior he exhibits while looking. Additional action like a gaping mouth, tongue-wagging, or making comments are inappropriate, and it is quite alright for you to feel uncomfortable with that.
  2. Think about why he’s looking. There are many reasons a man might look at a pretty girl when she walks by. The very act of looking isn't necessarily a rejection of you, just him acknowledging, however unconsciously, that he thinks the other woman is attractive.[2][3]
    • Men have much more testosterone flowing through their system, which creates a stronger sex drive and leading them to think much more often about sex and physical attractiveness. This doesn’t mean it is always appropriately displayed, but sometimes he really just can’t help but look.[6]
    • It is possible he is doing this to get attention from you. He may be looking because he feels your relationship is missing something. It may not seem like the most mature way to approach his problem, but it can give you both an opening to talk.
  3. Watch his behavior on social media. Seeing your husband leer at social media postings can be just as detrimental was watching him stare at women who walk by. These are more deliberate actions, and should be watched carefully.[7]
    • Watch if he hides his phone or computer. If he continues to be embarrassed by his behavior, and tries to hide it from you.
    • Consider the timing. Many people use their devices and social media accounts as a way to unwind at the end of the day. That being said, if your husband is having conversations late at night, and doesn’t want to share them with you, that is something you should be willing to talk him about.
  4. Look at his past behavior. If your husband is still looking at other women after you’ve asked him to stop, or has a history of inappropriate activity, then you have a good reason to be concerned about his looking. If you’ve never seen him stare down a woman before, there is already much less to worry about.[2]
    • Consider if you have talked to him about it in the past. If you have already had a conversation about his looking at other women, and he continues to do it, that is a sign of disrespect.
    • When thinking about past behavior, think also about times when he was loving and thoughtful. If your husband remains committed and respectful towards you, that is a good sign that his looking doesn’t suggest a serious problem in your relationship.[4]

Tips

  • Remember that your husband chose to marry you. While his looking might be a sign of other problems, that doesn’t mean he suddenly finds you unattractive.
  • While it may be unreasonable to stop your husband from ever looking at pretty women, it is not wrong for you to be bothered by it. If you are concerned about keeping your husband’s attention, or are upset by what he is doing, you should feel comfortable addressing it with him, and asking him to consider your feelings.
  • If this is a major problem, you should schedule a time for the two of you to see a therapist or counselor.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200911/advice-ogling-other-women
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 http://www.today.com/health/how-do-i-handle-my-husbands-wandering-eye-2D80555728
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 http://www.collinspartners.com/relationships/staring.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 http://www.howtowinamansheart.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-man-looks-at-other-women/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201408/women-please-stop-shaming-men
  6. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/23/brizendine.male.brain/
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201405/6-signs-your-partner-is-facebook-cheating
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