Get over the Silent Treatment
Almost everyone hates the silent treatment - someone refusing to speak to you purely out of spite, a desire to hurt or simply to avoid dealing with an issue that truly needs resolution. Deal with this childish and manipulative ploy like an adult by both understanding it and confronting it.
Contents
Steps
What's behind the moodiness?
- Consider what causes a person to use silent treatment toward another. There are various possible causes of a silent treatment, and it depends upon the personality of the person dishing it out, their motives and their ability or inability to communicate their feelings properly. Some typical reasons behind silent treatment include:
- A desire to shutdown any further communication about a topic. The person either feels they have reached the end of their tether on the matter or lack the ability to continue engaging on it. They choose silence as the only method left for coping. The silent treatment is often a way for insecure people to regain "control" of the situation. Usually people who feel rejected and do not know how to express their feelings will resort to using silent treatment.
- Avoiding responsibility or resolution of the problem. This person may: have passive-aggressive tendencies; be feeling a load of self-pity; resent you or the situation; feel cornered; or may simply find it all too hard to deal with.
- Grief. A person can clam up when they lose a loved one, a job, a lifetime's dream, etc. This isn't so much the "silent treatment", as a desire to shut out all of the world and to keep real things at bay. In this case, it is important to recognize the need for sensitivity.
- A desire to inflict hurt. This person wants to teach you a lesson. Sometimes what is worse than hearing another's feelings, emotions and concerns is to hear nothing at all. If the attempt is to ostracize you, it can easily become a pattern of emotional abuse. This is subtle yet very real bullying. It may be a one-off, or it may be habitual.
- Control, manipulation and intimidation. This may occur if the person has a personality disorder, such as narcissism, or is simply someone who must dominate but refuses to communicate properly. It could be about testing your boundaries too, to see how much this person can get away with. If this person is close to you, it's possible that you're been subjected often to emotional abuse, and that this person is a habitual offender.
- Be aware that at the core of silent treatment is a desire, however conscious or unconscious, to make you the fall guy for the issue at hand. Whether it's an unresolved argument, an unwillingness to discuss a challenging issue such as household debt or an addiction problem, or a refusal to be responsible for behavior, there is a desire to push the issues back onto you and let the other person off the hook. This person is hoping that by shutting down, he or she can carry on as if there is nothing more to feel concerned about. And in some cases of the silent treatment, the person doling out the silent treatment may gain satisfaction from knowing that burdening you with the negative feelings and by ostracizing you, there is hurt involved. This latter aspect often occurs when caught in a cycle of emotional abuse, especially in intimate relationships.
Shoring up your own response
- Acknowledge the hurt this has caused you. Nobody likes being stonewalled, avoided and cast aside. It is humiliating, it is hurtful. Moreover, there is research that demonstrates long-lasting negative impacts of being ignored; the part of your brain that registers physical pain also responds to silent treatment behavior. It's real, true pain. Hence, it really matters to realize that this is a potential source of harm to you and to protect yourself constructively.
- Make a decision to not let this keep getting to you. Instead, find ways to deal with it. This may include confronting the person who is stonewalling you, or it may involve giving up on this person and deciding that he or she is no longer worth your energies. If you are determined to keep trying with this person, be strong and do not accept their behavior. It is vital to realize that it can be very risky to use such behaviors as trying to cooperate, give in to or reassure this person, as this can reinforce the silent treatment behavior as a successful way of continuing to control you. Basically, you'll need to put on your assertiveness boots, with a plan B for backing off and ceasing to engage on their terms.
- Try hard to reach a mindset that allows you to walk away. This may sound callous but it's for your own protection and well being. Ultimately, if you want to move through silent treatment behavior, it is important to accept that there is an end point, at which you will step off and go your own way unless this person stops giving you the silent treatment.
- If this person is someone you simply cannot let go of, such as a child, then it is absolutely vital that you set healthy boundaries from this point onward. Things may have been allowed to get out of control somewhere along the way, but there is always a place to stand up for yourself and say "no more" and mean it.
Opening up to the person
- Decide why you think your friend, family member or intimate companion is giving you the silent treatment. It is likely that this person won't be willing to explain what they're up to with the "silent treatment", so approach the issue with tact. Simply ask what is wrong and whether the person wants to talk about how they're feeling. If they can't express the feelings (and this is highly probable), try the next step.
- You may well have a notion of what is behind it, especially if the silent treatment proceeded after an argument. However, even then, it may not be what you were arguing over that lies at the heart of their response. They may just feel annoyed that they can't get their own way, or they may be feeling sick of not being heard properly. You can't guess at it without at least trying to get them to be clearer. That won't be easy though!
- Give an olive branch. Although the silent treatment usually ends up making the situation worse, by pushing the person receiving the silent treatment away, the person using it as a way to cope with their own inability to express their feelings will get caught in a bind and feel compelled to keep it up. Give the person ways to step down from the silent treatment without "losing face". If you feel it is appropriate, you might apologize (but don't grovel). For example, say "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that this meant so much to you and that my take on it failed to account for your feelings. I'm here for you and am willing to work out a way that will include what you want too." However, do not make this about taking the burden onto your shoulders; acknowledge any wrongdoing on your own behalf but don't take on board pacifying their inability to be responsible for themselves.
- Seek to discuss the issue that is underlying the silent treatment. Don't presume to know it but do ask lots of open-ended questions to try to elicit some clarity from the silent treatment giver. If this person is only befuddled about his or her own feelings, there is a possibility that a discussion will be fruitful, especially when guided by questions. However, beware that if the silent treatment is being used as a deliberately manipulative tactic, then you will probably experience more stonewalling and a refusal to provide answers. You'll only know by trying.
- Sometimes time is all that is needed, rather than going in and asking questions, placing more pressure on the person. If you are aware that poking around will only cause this person to retreat even more deeply into his or her safety shell, giving space and letting time heal as you get on with your life can sometimes be the best solution. Ignore what happened, and if it doesn't happen again, it'll be a "never mentioned blip", and things can get back to normal again of their own accord. It then only becomes an issue if the silent treatment keeps on.
- Explain how you feel about being ignored. Stick to "I" statements and make it clear how being left in a position of not being able to communicate clearly leaves you feeling. Tell the silent treatment giver that their behavior leaves little room for resolving issues and that will end up damaging your friendship or relationship. Explain that you would like to understand why it is happening but that you're not willing to stick around if the behavior keeps up.
- Be very careful that in explaining your situation, you are not capitulating to a habitual silent treatment giver. If this person is being habitually manipulative, he or she will lap up hurt feelings that you express. Stick to the facts about how basic lack of communication between both of you means that things don't happen, such as bills being left unpaid, outings failing to occur, work failing to be completed on time, etc.
- If the other person continues to stay silent, at least you have been honest and if this fails to move the other person, you can begin to think ahead to what is best for you.
When it's not about you
- If the issue is not about you, but about something this person is going through, your approach requires a different tack. For example, if the person is going through grief, is suffering under the weight of personal or family problems, or is caring for a terminally ill person, etc., going silent can be a way of coping. In this case, the person is not lashing out at you personally but is either shutting down just to be able to cope or is lashing out at the whole world in general.
- Let the person know that you're there when they need you. Do not place pressure on the person.
- Offer to help with anything needed. And mean it; don't just say you'll do something or be with them and then fail to turn up.
- Be the mature one even if this person seems to be behaving oddly. There is no right way to grieve or process deeply difficult stuff; people cope the best that they can. What can help is knowing that they're not ostracized (meaning, don't do a silent treatment back in turn).
- Give plenty of space to the person. Their silence is a wall of protection; they need to be inside that wall until it feels safe to come out. Knowing that you're supporting them but not hassling them may be all this person needs to eventually venture forth.
Moving on
- Do not become embedded in a friendship/relationship by silent treatment. There is a limit to how much you can try to cope with someone who keeps resorting to silent treatment behaviors. Soon, all you are doing is walking on eggshells and pacifying someone who has learned that this isn't such a bad way to control you. Relationships should be balanced. When someone keeps on giving you the silent treatment, they are always taking the "reins" by allowing or not allowing communication. This is a very emotionally abusive behavior. It usually leaves the person who is at the receiving end of the silent treatment frustrated, confused, and angry.
- Lay healthy boundaries of what you are willing to accept in your relationships by informing people who use this tactic that you are not going to continue a relationship in that way.
- If all else fails, tell this person that you are unsure of why this is happening, but you're no longer willing to try to work it out. Tell them you need to move on. And then move on, as hard as it may be right now to contemplate this. Your well being is more important than spending a lifetime around someone who has no qualms about emotionally abusing you.
- If you feel this has gone on long enough (say, two to three weeks), let the other person know that you are sorry the friendship/relationship hasn't worked out and move on with life. People who have long histories of this behavior aren't likely to be "fixed" for your friendship or relationship. It's better to find someone who can actually be a friend or love to you instead of being insecure enough to use this tactic. In the end, you will be happier and have more time and space in your life for others who are ready for your friendship or love.
Tips
- Don't give in to the manipulator's game. They're just trying to play you and control you. Don't let them do that. Just say "when you're ready to talk, let me know!" and leave them alone until they're ready.
- Communication is everything. Even if they ignore you, just smile and be friendly. This can be especially effective in front of others, when it becomes clear that you're not the one holding any grudge.
- Let the person know you will be there for them if they need you, especially if they're going through a personal crisis.
- Find people who don't feel the need to shut down on you, who won't stay mad at you, who don't hold grudges and who find the idea of not talking to you terrifying!
- Give at least enough time for "cooling off". Don't confuse silent treatment with the need to retreat, lick wounds and regain confidence. Sometimes, that is all that is really happening, rather than a full-blown shutting out. This won't be the case if there is a pattern of silent treatment behavior though.
- If you're feeling strong, deal with silent treatment with the "I didn't even notice" treatment.
- If the person is doing it with the intent to hurt you, just forget it and move on with your life. This type of person is not worth it.
- If you're receiving the silent treatment after an argument, stay calm, because you're not the one losing it. The other person is just being childish because they cannot handle a fight. Most of the time, they do it because they think they're right.
Warnings
- Be fully aware of the possibility that explaining how you feel can end up been fodder for a manipulator. This is why it is very important to be assertive, rather than setting up an emotional appeal to the other person. State the facts, state how you're impacted but avoid turning it into a tear-filled or groveling experience; if this is a case of emotional abuse, it will only get used against you.
- If you are early on in a relationship with someone who is demonstrating this tendency habitually, it would be wise to nip it in the bud now, or to end things with this person. He or she needs to know that you won't stand for it, feed it or succumb to it.
- Don't be harsh with this person but do be firm; stick to the facts and use "I" statements to make it clear this about your feelings and reactions.
- If you are concerned about the other person behaving violently, seek help from a shelter, trusted family members or the police.
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