Break Up With Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

Is your partner threatening to commit suicide when you tell him/her that you do not want to continue your relationship anymore? If so, this will hopefully help you end things without guilt to yourself or more damage to your soon-to-be ex.

Steps

  1. Understand that threatening suicide is often a way of regaining control of a situation. In relationships, threats of suicide may be used as a means of frightening their partner into staying with them. Consider how manipulative your partner is:
    • Do they put you down, and does being with them make you feel bad about yourself?
    • Do they listen to you, even if they don't like what you're saying? Do they compromise?
    • Do they try to control you when you don't agree with them?
    • Do they always have to know where you are and who you're with?
  2. Learn the warning signs of suicide and assess how serious the risk is. You can't simply dismiss the idea, but you also do not want to be taken in by a desperation move. If it seems like a random threat out of nowhere from a person not usually morose, despondent or depressed, there's a good chance that s/he is simply desperate to stop you from leaving, and wants to say something shocking enough to make you stay.
    • Is s/he moody, depressed, or prone to suicidal ideas in general?
    • Does s/he have a plan (is s/he saying, "I'm going to take pills." or "I'm going to shoot myself."?
    • Does s/he have the means to carry out this plan (does s/he have pills or a gun that you know of)? Do you know where these items are?
    • Even if they don't seem likely to commit suicide, don't brush off the idea. Sometimes people hide their pain from others. It's better to be too careful than not careful enough.
  3. Be direct and let him/her know you need to have a serious talk. Don't beat around the bush by asking what kind of day s/he had or telling a cute story about your own day.
  4. Sit down and say that you are ending the relationship. Be as gentle and compassionate as possible. Be diplomatic and sympathetic since breaking up is hard, especially if they are actually having suicidal ideations.
    • Don't tell them that you don't believe them, since this may "egg them on" if they weren't very serious.
    • Threats (whether threatening your safety or theirs) are a form of emotional manipulation, and are not acceptable in a romantic relationship.
  5. Call the appropriate emergency services if you have any doubts about the lethal intention of the threat. If you really are afraid that s/he may harm him/herself, call emergency services and tell them what happened. Stay until the emergency services arrive to make sure the other person gets help.
    • If calling emergency services, tell them specific details. Be clear about the threats made, and add details such as "she said she had a knife and I got scared, so I left," or "he said he planned to shoot himself. I think there actually may be a gun in that house."
  6. Let professionals deal with your ex. Threatening suicide is not always a deadly proposition - sometimes it really is just a ploy to get you to stay in the relationship. Your fear that s/he will hurt him/herself makes you stick around and prolongs the breakup - or staves it off entirely. If this person really is serious, you are not equipped to deal with it - s/he needs professional help, and you need to get out of the way and allow someone who has the education and training to ride in to the rescue.
  7. Avoid blaming yourself for the situation. Suicidal thoughts are not your fault, and they are not because of you—they are the product of the person's life, brain chemistry, and history. If your ex gets hurt, it is not your fault. Don't stay in a bad relationship out of fear. No one person should be responsible for keeping someone else alive.

Tips

  • No matter how trivial you may believe the threat is, be sure to tell someone who knows your ex about it. Tell his/her friend, mom, brother, sister - say that you're sorry to have caused him/her pain, but that the relationship wasn't right for you, and that when you broke it off, s/he threatened to hurt him/herself. Let them know that you hope they will check on your ex and make sure s/he's okay. Then leave it alone.

Warnings

  • Don't accept texts or calls from your ex. There may be attempts to try to drag it out, get you to reconsider, etc. If you are simply not available, every day that goes by finds him/her a little stronger without you. If it truly is just a dramatic attempt to shock you into reconsidering the breakup, it will pass.
  • Watch for stalking behavior. People who threaten suicide can become obsessive, and when their threat fails to shock you into staying, their threats can shift from themselves to you. If you notice any sort of stalking type behaviors (s/he follows you to your place of work or school, and is there when you leave for the day; you see his/her car parked near your house at odd hours; s/he continually sends letters, emails, texts, calls, and will not stop) call the police and report it. If necessary, get a restraining order. Be sure you call each and every time you see him/her following you, so that you establish a pattern that the police can track.

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