Leave an Abusive Spouse

Dealing with an abusive spouse is an extremely tough ordeal that some people may go through in their lives. You are very brave for admitting to yourself that what you are going through is wrong and for realising that you are no longer willing to put up with your abusive partner. You have taken the first step to moving on just by being here, so for that, you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully, the following information will help you and guide you to take the appropriate steps in leaving your abusive spouse.

Steps

  1. Confide in somebody close to you about what is happening. However, most likely you are probably afraid of how they will react to your admission, that they won't believe you or else you might be feeling too ashamed to tell anyone. So instead of talking to someone close, the best thing to do is speak to someone anonymous. There are loads of helplines available for abuse victims, and they will listen to you, support you and offer you advice. It is often easier to speak with a stranger than it is to someone close. 
  2. Realise that you do not deserve this type of treatment.Stop making excuses for your partner. Okay, so you forgot to make the dinner or pick up dry cleaning, you're only human. So whether your spouse is abusive in a physical or emotional way, they have no right to belittle you or hurt you for human error.
  3.  Get out more. Abuse victims often tend towards becoming reclusive, shutting people out and rarely leaving the house. This is primarily to do with fear. Fear that somebody might 'notice' what's going on, fear that the respective spouse might hurt them for going somewhere without their permission, to name a few. If you at least try to include getting out of the house in your day to day activities, it will give you a sense of normality, if only for a little while, and this will help greatly in raising your confidence.       
  4. Avoid telling them outright that you are leaving. Obviously their first reaction will be to harm you, to remind you who is in charge and who has control. But YOU have control also. And this is how: The only way somebody can harm you is if you let them. By walking away from this toxic relationship, you are taking back the control. So rather than telling your partner that you are leaving them, plan it carefully. Start moving your belongings out of the house, bit by bit over a period of time to a friends place, into storage or even into the booth of the car if you have one. Only take the essentials. 
  5. Realise that your partner does not love you. Abuse victims are often brainwashed into thinking that their partner still loves them. This occurs most often after an abusive incident occurs. For example, you may find this scenario familiar: Your partner hurts you. Shortly after, they may start crying and apologizing, they tell you that they love you and they didn't mean it and 'please don't leave me, I'll change'. Lies, lies and more lies. Do you really think if this person loved you they would hurt you in the first place? The answer is no. You start thinking 'They need me. I can help them, they will change'. They will never change. What you are experiencing is a false sense of security. You feel you have a purpose in this person's life. Don't fall into this trap.
  6. Leave at an opportune time. For example, sneaking out at night, when your partner is asleep or when they are out of the house. Go to a friends, family members or a shelter for abused spouses which you may have heard about in your area. They will help you. They will understand. They will support you.
  7. Turn off your mobile phone or change your number. Any type of communication from your partner may result in further brainwashing. Again, they may apologise, they may beg for you to come back, but it's all a lie. If you go back, the abuse will start again and may be even worse as a result of you leaving in the first place.
  8. Report them. In this situation, it may seem callous to suggest you not be selfish given your circumstances and your own personal trauma, but you may protect somebody else from being harmed down the line by this monster. Also, if you can, consider a restraining order against this person so that they can never hurt you again and so that you will never have to relive your old life by seeing this person again.
  9. Consider getting a restraining order. Just remember that if you have a restraining order, it is just a piece of paper, while some abusive people will follow this, many will not. In fact, it could just make them more angry and aggressive when trying to hurt you. Look for signs, like do they break laws frequently, does people telling them what to just makes them mad, have they violated a restraining order before? All of these things should be considered before you get a restraining order.



Tips

  • Don't go back. Please. It was an unhealthy relationship and you deserve so much better, you really do.
  • Don't feel ashamed by admitting to someone that you are in an abusive partnership. YOU are the victim, always remember this. It is not your fault.
  • Even if you find yourself building walls around yourself and cutting people off, always remember the trap door. Your 'trap door' is your own personal escape route. Nobody is making you hide behind those walls, it is up to you to find the courage and bravery to leave.
  • Never EVER forget that you are not alone. Millions of people suffer daily at the hands of an abusive partner and many find the strength to leave eventually. Be an inspiring statistic. Be one of the many people who got through this traumatic period and rebuilt their lives.
  • Remember that you're not at fault for this situation. You never chose to be harmed. You never chose to be abused.
  • You are loved. Very much so. Strangers love you. Family love you. Friends love you. Although you may not see it in this dark patch of your life, your smile makes someone smile. Your laugh makes someone laugh. Your strength gives strength to others. Don't deprive those who love you of all these wonderful gifts by living a life that is destroying the person you are.
  • You are a strong individual. Things may seem bad now but it does get better, even if you don't believe it will. Find the strength within yourself to leave.
  • After leaving your abusive spouse but before they know what's going on, tell a trusted family member to get all your important documents together for safekeeping.
  • The worst things you can do is not tell anyone because if you don't tell anyone no one can help you but if you find the strength and courage too then you'll see that there are people who love and care for you and you're not alone because help is there but you don't realize it.

Warnings

  • Do not stay in an abusive relationship if there are children involved. You have to be strong for your children and you need to get out of this relationship. This is not just about you anymore. Be strong. They may just be abusive towards you alone now, but it's only a matter of time before they harm your child/children.
  • Do not tell your spouse that you are leaving if they are physically abusive. This could result in further violence.

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