Deal With a Boyfriend Who Is Mean when Angry

It’s not fun to deal with an angry person. It’s even worse when that person is your boyfriend and his anger causes him to say or do things that are mean and hurtful. Whether it’s name calling, insults, or yelling, dealing with an angry boyfriend can be incredibly stressful. However, by being quietly strong in your approach to your boyfriend’s anger, you can set the tone for a more respectful, productive, and healthy relationship.

Steps

Diffusing the Situation

1. Make sure the timing is right. Mean attitudes can appear when people are tired or already frustrated, so avoid discussing issues when either person is rushed or upset. Instead, ask if you can come back to the conversation when tempers have cooled and when you both have the calm inner resources to deal with the issue without being mean.
   • This tactic may not always work because it is sometimes difficult to think level-headedly when angry. If it does not work, there are other ways to make sure tempers don’t escalate.
2. Let him know you understand he’s upset. Active listening or reflective listening is a key component to effective communication. Acknowledging his anger is like pouring cold water on a fire. His anger may subside because he may feel more connected to you if you understand where he’s coming from. Demonstrate your understanding and repeat back what you’re hearing to calm your angry mate.
   • Be as specific as possible and avoid using trite phrases like “I understand”. This doesn’t demonstrate true understanding and can come off as unthoughtful.
   • Instead, try saying something like, “I understand that you’re upset that I didn’t call you back”.
   • Keep the focus on your boyfriend’s anger. Don’t turn the conversation to you by saying, “I understand because I’ve felt that way too”.
3. Ask what he wants from you. Mean words and actions typically stem from a sense of being wronged or treated unfairly. By asking your boyfriend what he wants from you (in a nice way of course), you move the conversation from a shouting session to the proactive realm.
   • Try phrasing your response as, “What is it you need from me right now,” or “How do you see the outcome of this in terms of what I should do”.
4. Offer to help if you can. If your boyfriend clearly states what he wants from you, determine whether it is something you can actually do, or something that you are willing to do. By offering help, you can reduce the anger, stop the mean behaviors, and move the situation forward in a productive manner.
   • The help requested may vary vastly. For example, all that may be requested of you may be an apology which is often helpful because it signifies that you accept some fault for the altercation.
   • Sometimes it is not in your power to offer help. For example, if your boyfriend is angry about being fired from his job and is taking it out on you simply state, “I understand that you’re angry about being fired from your job, and I really wish I could help you but it’s not within my power to do so”.
   • Sometimes it may be in your power to offer assistance but you choose not to. That is perfectly acceptable. For example, if your boyfriend wants you to skip work or school to spend time with him you can say, “I’m sorry. I wish I could spend time with you today but I can’t afford to skip out on my responsibilities.” Avoid saying “I don’t want to”.
5. Attempt to use humor. Humor can help to ease tense situations by shifting the moment just long enough for tempers to cool. Make sure you’re not making fun of your boyfriend as that will just make him angrier. Instead, aim your humor at yourself or the situation. This is more helpful in relationships that are already very playful.
   • Each person’s sense of humor is different but try saying something playful such as, “This is beyond my capabilities—let me consult one of my other personalities,” or “I’m sorry I forgot to call you. You caught me playing with one of my mental blocks”.
   • Avoid using this tactic if your boyfriend makes fun of you in a mean or hurtful way. This will have the opposite effect and may open the door for more insults.

Setting Boundaries

1. Define your limits. When setting your boundaries, always be as straightforward as possible and tell your boyfriend what behaviors will not be tolerated. Look him in his eye, and show a quiet strength so he will take your boundaries seriously. You can also role play saying the words ahead of time so you feel more confident when the time comes.
2. Don’t allow insults or name calling. Insults and name calling are about control and humiliation and are not part of a healthy relationship. In fact, when your partner insults your appearance, intelligence, opinions, or choices, that is considered emotional abuse. When your boyfriend calls you a name, stop what you are doing, look him in his eyes, and forcefully say, “don’t ever call me that again”. You don’t have to answer any questions or give an explanation; simply repeat yourself until he understands.
   • Insults can be extremely hurtful emotionally, but they can also do long term damage by hurting your self-esteem and making your more dependent on your boyfriend.
   • Never blame yourself for your boyfriend’s mean words, and never begin to think they are true. For example, if your boyfriend calls you fat in the heat of an argument, don’t buy into it.
3. Ban the use of curse words. Cursing during an argument is like waving a red flag at a bull; it only acts as a way to build upon negative emotions. When your boyfriend curses at you, it puts out a negative energy and makes you feel ashamed and defensive. Use “I” statements to tell your boyfriend that you will not accept him cursing at you.
   • For example, say something like, “I understand that you’re upset about me not calling you back and that’s where your anger is coming from, but I can’t allow you to curse at me because it makes me feel upset when you do that”.
4. Prohibit the use of yelling. Yelling only brings about negative energy and can often make you feel angry, scared, or defensive. However, sometimes people who are prone to anger don’t even realize they’re yelling. Use “I” statements to define your boundaries and tell your boyfriend that you will not accept him yelling at you.
   • For example, try saying, “I can’t allow you to yell at me. I feel angry when you yell and it is not productive. I will talk to you later when we have both had a chance to calm down”.
   • If your boyfriend denies that he yells, have a tape recorder handy to let him listen to himself at a later time. When playing it back, gently explain to him that what he said on the tape is irrelevant, and you’re only playing it back to him to show him how loud his volume can get.
5. Don’t allow blaming. Blaming is ineffective because it limits communication and cuts down on the possibility of actually resolving your issue. When your boyfriend is angry, he may place the blame on you, telling you how bad you are and making you feel very small. Set your boundaries and tell your boyfriend that you will not accept blaming behaviors. You can do this by using “I” statements.
   • Use “I” statements to tell your boyfriend how you feel when he places all of the blame on you. For example you can say, “I feel upset when you blame me for all of our problems”.
   • Then, use an “I” statement to tell your boyfriend that blame is no longer allowed. For example, say, “I don’t think blaming each other will help us resolve our problem. I can no longer allow you to blame me for making you angry”.

Managing Your Emotions

1. Reframe the anger. Your brain can eliminate electrical signals that cause negative emotions by thinking about your boyfriend’s anger in another light. Try saying to yourself, “He must be having a bad day today”. By consciously taking a different view on the anger, you can choose to change your emotional response and avoid becoming negative as well.
   • It’s not always easy to feel empathy for a person who is being mean and angry, but by choosing to reframe their anger you keep yourself from becoming defensive.
   • Try saying phrases such as “He’s doing the best he can,” or “This is just the way he copes”. This way, you don’t feel as if you are to blame for the issue.
   • Just because you reframe his anger does not mean that you have to accept it. Once you recognize that you are not to blame, find healthy ways to deal with it such as setting boundaries or walking away until a later time.
2. Cut yourself some slack. Often, your boyfriend’s words can leave you feeling angry, frustrated, afraid, or feeling powerless. Avoid these feelings by accepting yourself and the way you have chosen to deal with your boyfriend’s anger. Have an inner dialogue with yourself where you tell yourself it’s okay to not be able to fix your boyfriend’s anger.
   • For example, if you are feeling guilty because you have told your boyfriend you can’t do something for him, tell yourself, “I wish I could have helped, and I know he will continue to be angry, but I need to take care of myself”.
3. Watch your level of anger. When your boyfriend is mean and angry it can cause you to become angry as well. Without noticing it, you may began to “egg on” or “nitpick” at your boyfriend, further provoking him. Pay attention to your language and nonverbal language to make sure you are not projecting your own anger onto your boyfriend.
   • Avoid statements that start with “You always,” and avoid using criticism and sarcasm about your boyfriend’s behavior. These statements are based on anger and blame and only add fuel to the fire.
   • Try making a list of your boyfriends triggers (or things that make him upset) and observe how your behaviors set him off.
   • Don’t feed on his or your anger. Make a conscientious effort to not push his buttons on purpose.
4. Tell him how you feel. Use I statements to take responsibility for your feelings and behaviors without making your boyfriend feel as if you’re blaming him. Talk about your feelings to the best of your ability by using statements such as “I feel hurt when you say mean things to me”. Avoid sentences that begin with “You always…” as it can come off in a blaming manner.
   • Practice using “I” statements over and over in times when you aren’t angry so it becomes natural and part of your vocabulary.
   • By sharing your feelings in this manner, you not only express your emotions but you increase intimacy.
   • This method can help to diffuse anger and move towards focusing on what you want to happen, instead of focusing on hurtful words.

Tips

• Don’t try to reason with someone who is throwing an angry fit. Instead, walk away and wait for a calmer time to set your boundaries and address the issues.
• Some guys tend to change their behaviors in front of others so they’re not seen as “the mean guy”. If this is the case, talk about touchy subjects in public places so he can remain level-headed.
• Sometimes a non-partial mediator can help. Try a mutual friend, a relative, a therapist or someone you can both trust. There’s also lots of information online to educate yourselves about how to deal with anger in non-threatening ways.

Warnings

• Healthy relationships should be relaxing and fun. Your boyfriend should never make you feel bad about who you are, and you should never be afraid to express who you are. This is a sign of emotional abuse.
• Don’t let anger fester inside or it will boil over. Allow your boyfriend to express his anger in a healthy manner and always know that it is okay to agree to disagree.
• Physical or verbal abuse is never okay. If you are in an abusive relationship, seek help immediately.

Related Articles

• Tell if You Are in an Abusive Relationship
• Know if Your Boyfriend Is Abusive
• Deal with Domestic Violence
• Break Up with a Possessive Boyfriend

Sources and Citations

See also

• Get a Job as a Domestic Violence Advocate
• End a Controlling or Manipulative Relationship
• Leave an Abusive Spouse
• Divorce Your Abusive Husband
• Break Up a Fight Between Two People
• Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
• Deal with an Abusive Boyfriend
• Recognize Signs of an Abusive Man
• Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
• Tell if You Are in an Abusive Relationship

Read more ...