Cope With Separation

Separation can mean many things — from divorce to the absence of a loved one during a leave of duty. Whether you are going through a permanent or temporary separation, you may feel lost to yourself, heartbroken, and disoriented. By taking the time to feel sad, connect with others, and feed your own joy, you will cope effectively with your separation.

Steps

Bearing a Temporary Separation

  1. Set expectations with your loved one. If you are going through a temporary separation, you will need to redefine the ways you handle your shared life.[1] You will also need to understand what the other person thinks of the separation.
    • If your separation is deliberate, make sure you both agree on what the goal of the separation is. Take the time to sit down with a third party mediator if possible and discuss what you each want out of the separation. For instance, if one of you wants to consider permanent separation, while the other wants to take a break and come back, you need to reconcile those differences!
    • Communicate about shared responsibilities. If you have children, pets, or share a car or home, you will have to rise above any animosity and talk about those needs.
    • If necessary, hire a mediator to help coordinate your schedules and ensure that all responsibilities are covered.
  2. Plan what to say to children. If you and your partner have children together, you will want to discuss how you are going to talk to them about your separation. Again, it is important you put aside any conflict with your partner and focus on making this transition as easy as possible for your kids. Make a plan with your partner about how you want to tell your kids. They will benefit from open, honest communication about the upcoming changes.[2]
    • Try to give your children time to adjust to the separation. Try to wait a few weeks before moving them to a new home or before your partner moves out or is deployed.
  3. Schedule your conversations. Whether you and your partner are taking a break or are separated by circumstance, you will feel better if you know when you are going to talk next. Make a schedule and keep it. Make sure the communication does not eat up your private or social life, however.[1]
    • If you are doing a trial separation, space the talking out. You might go a few weeks without communicating, then introduce meetups at neutral locations, then gradually move to seeing each other more frequently.
    • If you are separated by necessity, make regular dates to talk.
    • Your talking should not make other socializing or responsibilities impossible! Set firm limits — don't talk for hours, and don't cancel other dates to talk to your loved one. It is important to still have a life beyond these conversations.
  4. Plan extra activities for yourself. When you are temporarily separated, holes open in your schedule. You might spend less time eating meals, or not have a date for the events you normally attend in a pair. Connect with your friends and plan special dates with them.
    • Plan solo activities that you will enjoy doing alone, such as seeing a movie or cooking an elaborate meal.
    • Sign up for a class or a club that meets regularly to meet more people in a low key way.

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

  1. Take time to grieve. Regardless of the length of the marriage or who initiated the divorce, you will experience a sense of loss.[3] Let the pain and the sadness have their way in the first weeks after a separation happens. Your heartbreak is real, and acknowledging your feelings will bring you relief.[4] When you feel a wave of sorrow coming up, stop what you're doing and greet it. You will deal with loss in your own unique way — give yourself permission to grieve.
    • You may experience a physical response to the loss, such as shortness of breath, headaches, nausea, loss of appetite, insomnia and fatigue.[3]
    • Emotional responses to loss may include denial, numbness, sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, relief, hopelessness, confusion, helplessness, longing, or being distracted or preoccupied.
    • Find appropriate outlets to deal with these emotions. Writing in a journal, going for a long walk, painting, and exercising are all ways you might be able to express your feelings and find relief.
  2. Take care of your body. Anyone you spend a lot of time around becomes linked to your biorhythm. You may experience cravings similar to those of an addict, and feel actual pain. You may also have trouble eating, sleeping, and exercising like you used to.[5] Take care of this by setting new routines for yourself.
    • Remind yourself to eat at least three meals a day, with snacks in between.
    • Make sure you are getting adequate sleep. Aim for seven to nine hours each night.
    • Reinforce your old exercise routine, or start a new one.
    • Avoid turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with the pain. Though it may be appealing to lose yourself in mind-altering substances, you can end up feeling more depressed or numb and unable to work through your feelings.[6]
  3. Reduce your stress. The decision to divorce can be very stressful, not to mention the sometimes long, difficult process that follows. This is guaranteed to be a stressful time, and it is important you find healthy ways to reduce your stress as much as possible. Try meditation, spending more time with supportive friends, or removing items that remind you of your partner.[7]
    • Consider joining a support group. Divorce is common, and it may help to talk with other people going through it, too.
  4. Think through the separation. It probably hurts to think about what went wrong and how it went down, but thinking it through will help you process your emotions and regain your sense of self.[8] Write in your diary, talk to yourself, and open up to others as soon as you can.
    • The more you open up, the more likely you will find yourself again.
    • Open up to loved ones. Talk about what happened and how you are feeling to your nearest and dearest. Vent a little, and admit any feelings of ambiguity or regret you are feeling.
  5. Get outside help. Consult a therapist to help you readjust and embrace your new life.[9] Your therapist will help you understand what happened and what is still happening to you.
    • If your sorrow is long lasting, intense, and interfering with your ordinary life, you may be experiencing complicated grief. Get a referral from your doctor to see a therapist immediately.[10]

Moving On

  1. Do new things. Start new routines. Because you might crave your ex after a separation, a wise move is to disassociate for a while from the places and things you shared with them. Try taking a new route on your walks and journeys. Shop somewhere new. You will help yourself break the addictive cravings you feel after heartbreak.
    • Get back to activities, people, and places you loved that maybe fell by the wayside when you met your ex. Reconnect with your old self to help bridge your past and future.
    • Try things you have never done. Break the mold! Sign up for classes, or take a trip.
  2. Consider your new options. Don't make any drastic moves in the initial weeks or even months after the breakup, but do start thinking about the opportunities that open up to you after a separation. Have you dreamed of going back to school? Could you make a promotion at your current job? Would you like to live closer to your family? Dream big, but move slowly.
    • What needs to change in your life? Do you have a tendency you have been meaning to break for a long time, such as smoking, failing to exercise, or self-isolating for weeks at a time?
  3. Date when you are ready. There's no set timeline — when you feel ready to date again, you're ready. Try dating or getting out there as soon as it sounds fun — and don't shy away from starting a new relationship. It's actually good for your ability to cope.[11] Rebounds aren’t doomed, either. You may end up with a new steady partner before you know it.[12]

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/can-temporary-separation-make-relationship-stronger
  2. ↑ http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://www.wfm.noaa.gov/workplace/DivorceIssues_Handout_1.pdf
  4. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201104/the-neuroscience-relationship-breakups
  6. ↑ http://www.wfm.noaa.gov/workplace/DivorceIssues_Handout_1.pdf
  7. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/reduce-the-stress-of-a-divorce/
  8. ↑ http://spp.sagepub.com/content/early/2014/12/18/1948550614563085.full#ref-list-1
  9. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mood-disorders/basics/definition/con-20035907
  10. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/basics/symptoms/con-20032765
  11. ↑ http://spr.sagepub.com/content/early/2014/03/04/0265407514525086.abstract
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201405/can-rebound-relationship-be-the-real-deal
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