Manage Conflict

Conflict is unavoidable and occurs in every relationship as well as internally, with ourselves. In general, conflict signals an opportunity for change and growth, improved understanding and better communication, whether it be with yourself or others.[1] Though managing conflict may not be easy, it is important to facilitate discussion and come to a resolution since conflict is part of our daily lives.

Steps

Managing Interpersonal Conflict

  1. Identify the issue. Analyze the conflict to help clarify the key issue or issues.[2] Some conflicts can seem very complicated and can be visualized as a web of different issues with lots of twists and turns. However, if you reflect carefully on the situation, you'll likely find one or two central issues at the heart of the conflict that can help you focus your position and better articulate your concerns.
    • Some useful questions you could reflect on include: What event or moment triggered the conflict? What are you not getting that you want? What are you afraid of losing? Is your frustration/anger accurate and appropriate to the situation or over-exaggerated?[1]
    • Make a list of the issues as you they make themselves known to you through your period of reflection and then make note of the ones that overlap and are connected. If you are unable to immediately spot the main theme, the overlap should help you identify it fairly quickly.
  2. Identify the key players. It's also important to make sure you know who main individuals involved in the conflict are. Ask yourself who you are angry and/or frustrated with and whether you are directing your emotions at that person or elsewhere? Knowing who to address is as important, if not more so, than knowing what to address in order to effectively manage conflict.
    • Separate the person from the problem. View the problem as a specific behavior or set of circumstances instead of attributing it to that person's essential character or personality. This approach will make the problem more manageable and can salvage your relationship with that person, as opposed to you just deciding that you don't like them any longer.[1]
  3. Articulate your concerns. Let the other person know how you feel, what the specific problem is and what impact it is having on you. This will help keep the conversation on your needs and emotions, rather than an attack on the other person and his or her behavior.[1]
    • Use "I"-based statements to help do this, such as "I feel...", "I think...", "When you (objective description of the problem), I feel...", "I would like (what you want the person to do in the future to prevent the problem)..." For example, "I feel like we haven't been spending enough time together" is more effective than "You are always neglecting me."[1]
    • Use neutral language. Often when people engage in conflict with others, they use inflammatory language, including profanity, name calling, and put-downs. Such language only escalates conflict and often pushes the conversation away from the key issues at hand. Try to use neutral or more objective language that states your position to help make the conversation less emotionally laden.
    • Be specific. Give to two or three concrete scenarios that illustrate what you mean to help the person understand your perspective. For example, if you have been feeling ignored by a friend, give a specific instance of this, such as "I was really hurt when you left my birthday party early to hang out with your other friends instead of spending more time with me."
  4. Be an active listener. Active listening is one of the most powerful tools you can master. It is appropriate for everyday life, and it promotes positive, open and non-threatening communication with others. The only goal of active listening is to ensure your understanding. Here are some tips on how to be a good active listener:[3]
    • Focus on the other person. Put aside any mental distractions and set an intention to make what the other person is saying important you. Through listening, you are gaining important information to help bring the conflict to resolution.
    • Maintain steady (but non-aggressive eye contact).
    • Avoid body language that suggests judgement or anger, such as eye-rolling, tightly crossed arms or legs or smirking. You are here to collect information, not to judge, and you want the other person to feel like he can trust you.
    • Give the other person adequate space and time to speak. Try not to interrupt to state your case and instead save your comments or follow-up questions for after he has finished outlining his position.
    • Encourage the person with simple affirming comments or gestures. For example, give a little head nod or say, “I can understand how that would be upsetting." A simple “mmhmm” can also let the person know you are in the moment with him. Such comments and gestures demonstrate understanding and encourage the continuation of dialogue.
    • Demonstrate empathy. Show understanding for the other person's position; this also conveys attentiveness as well as a general understanding that you are both two human beings, not automaton robots.[4]
    • Pay attention to nonverbal cues. Learn how to read body language and interpret other people's physical cues, including how they sit, their tone of voice and their facial expressions. The things people do with their bodies can be as telling, if not more so, than words.[4]
  5. Reflect. Oftentimes conflict stems from one party feeling as though he is not being heard or understood. That means some conflicts can be managed by simply demonstrating that you have heard what the other person has said. Take some time throughout your conversation to reflect back to the other person what he has said. This will help you clarify your own understanding and convey to the other person that he has indeed been heard and understood.[5]
    • For example, if you're having a conflict with a co-worker at your company and you've just let the the person speak, sum up and reflect back his concerns: “So, if I heard you correctly, you feel as though you were overlooked for the new project and you would like to be a part of the planning committee.” Then wait for the other person to confirm or correct.
  6. Work together to resolve. Cooperation as a means of resolution requires that each person stop placing blame on the other and that both take ownership of the problem. Make a commitment to work together to effectively resolve the conflict at hand.[1] There are a number of tactics that can help you and the person you are in conflict with reach an agreement or resolution:
    • Move past positions. A "position" is the desired outcome of a conflict that is usually nonnegotiable and often results an impasse. A position might be "I want a new roommate" or "I refuse to work with this person anymore." To reasonably resolve the conflict, each party needs to move beyond their positions.[1]
    • Focus on the present and the future. Conflicts tend to focus on past wrongs and past behaviors. However, one of the most important ways for both parties to take ownership of the problem is to recognize that irrespective of what happened in the past, both of you need to focus on how you can alleviate and improve this problem in the present and future.[4]
    • Be creative. As a general rule, coming to a resolution that satisfies everyone equally is not easy and often requires some flexibility and clever thinking. Oftentimes, agreements reached too early or too quickly in the conflict management process do not last because they have not sufficiently considered all the ramifications of the agreement (e.g., if you and your roommate just decide to start buying all of your own groceries separately, who will pay for shared items like toilet paper?). Generate a bunch of options and alternatives to think "outside the box."[1]
    • Be specific in the resolution of the conflict. When you are solving a conflict with another person, make sure to be precise and specific.[1] For example, perhaps you are having a conflict with your roommate and the two of you have developed a written "roommate agreement". Before signing off, make sure that both of you full understand each stipulation (for example, if the agreement states that you have to clean the toilet biweekly, does that mean twice a week or twice a month?). Consider signing the agreement once you both clarify any questions or ambiguous points that could be interpreted differently.
  7. Agree to disagree. Each person has a unique point of view and rarely agrees on every detail. It's important not to try to figure out which one of you is "right." Being right doesn't matter and won't help resolve the conflict.[4]
    • Keep in mind that truth is relative; what one persons considers to be true is not necessarily what another person considers the truth. For example, consider the differing testimony of various witnesses who all saw the same car accident but may have seen it from different angles.Truth depends on a person's point of view.[1]
  8. Know when to concede. Some issues cannot be solved to the complete satisfaction of both parties, particularly if one party chooses to reject negotiating and hold steadfast to what they want.[6] So, you have to ask yourself, how much the issue at the core of the conflict matters to you and whether you are willing to concede or keep dialoguing to reach a different resolution.
    • Is the issue of real and material importance? This is what you need to ask yourself, and it may be tough on your ego. If the other party refuses to budge and you realize it is a more important issue to him than to yourself, then it may be time to reach out and put an end to the conflict.
    • Concession doesn’t have to be dramatic. A simple, “Bill, I heard what you were saying the other day when we discussed the scheduling difference. While I still feel it could be moved up, I think you may feel more strongly on the issue than I do and I am willing to put the disagreement to rest. I’m willing to back you on keeping to the schedule we have set.” You can always own your opinion while supporting theirs.
  9. Take some time. If you reach an impasse, then ask the other party for time to think over his argument. Don’t leave the other party hanging, though. Specify a day and time when the discussion can be picked up again.[7] You can also ask the other person to spend some time thinking over your position as well.
    • During this break, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try his position and why it matters to him. If you were the other person, how would you negotiate with someone like you?
    • Be sure as well to reanalyze your own point of view. Are there areas of lesser importance where you could bend yet still maintain what matters most to you?
    • If this is a business, professional or work-related conflict, consider sending a nonthreatening and objective summary to the other party of your last discussion. Not only does this reiterate your understanding, it also serves as a reminder of your own angle and can demonstrate a professional approach should the issue be taken out of context at some point. It also serves as a mode of accountability for both parties.
  10. Maintain confidentiality. Keep discussion of your conflict limited to yourself and the other party. In generally, you should always deal directly with the person you are in conflict with. Avoiding the conflict and/or venting to others often escalates the conflict and can lead to the spreading of rumors.[1]
  11. Forgive. If you and the other part have both wronged each other, then you both have to find a place that allows you to truly forgive the other person, even if it's impossible to really forget what happened. This is the mature way to go, and it will be the easiest path towards resolution and cooperation in the future.[8]
    • If you truly cannot forgive the other person, then you have to find a way to manage your relationship if you still have to see that person or spend time with him.
    • It takes strong character and compassion to forgive someone. If you are able to forgive someone who really hurt you, then be proud of yourself for being able to forgive and to move on from your conflict.
    • If rumors are already circulating, encourage the other party to come together with you to work out a plan to end the gossip.
  12. Ask a third party for help. If you feel that you're getting nowhere and are only making things worse, then consider asking for help in managing this conflict, whether you decide to consult a manage, seek counseling or ask a close mutual friend for help.
    • A third party can often have a better perspective on a situation where two people feel so emotionally invested that they can't think straight.

Managing Intrapersonal Conflicts

  1. Understand the nature of an intrapersonal conflict. Intrapersonal or internal conflicts are those disputes you have with yourself; in other words, they are "me-conflicts," rather than "we-conflicts," because they don't involve another person.
    • Internal conflicts can be concerned with your own feelings, thoughts or decisions, but can also be related to someone or something else. For example, maybe you feel jealous of the new promotion your best friend received. You are proud of your friend and want the best for her, but you can’t seem to shake the jealousy. Therefore, the conflict isn’t with your friend, but with your own emotions and so the conflict is squarely your own.
    • Intrapersonal conflicts, although difficult, can also be a powerful motivating force in our lives. It is often what drives us to change and discover new opportunities for growth.[9]
  2. Identify the conflict. Ask yourself what emotions you are feeling and what might be causing you to have these emotional reactions. Consider keeping a journal in order to keep track of what you've been doing and feeling. A journal can be a resource when you feel unsettled with yourself because you can consult it as you try to uncover the reason for your internal conflict.
    • Intrapersonal conflict can range from minor and mundane decisions about whether or not to eat organic lunches to major life decisions, such as quitting smoking, ending a relationship or changing careers.[9]
  3. Try to get to the root of the conflict. Many conflicts people have with themselves are related to something the psychology world refers to as cognitive dissonance, a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors.[10] Cognitive dissonance theory suggests that we all have an inner drive to hold our attitudes and beliefs in harmony with our actions to avoid disharmony (or dissonance).[11]
    • For example, let's say you feel sad over a breakup, even thought you yourself did the breaking up. Your emotions thus don't align with your action. Or, to give another example, let's say you smoke even though you know it is bad for your health. Your action of smoking thus doesn't align with what you know about smoking.[12]
  4. Acknowledge your own feelings. No one can “make” you feel anything. This isn’t to say you may not have emotions or feelings in reaction to someone else’s words or actions, but ultimately, your feelings are yours.[13]
    • Be aware of and "own" your feelings - even the negative emotions like sadness, loneliness, grief, and heartbreak. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step to resolving any internal conflicts.
  5. Give yourself time. Embrace the struggle knowing you will eventually untie yourself from the knots of indecisiveness, insecurity, and/or denial. Surely you have been here before on other subjects, and you made it through. Allow yourself time.
    • All too frequently, people don't like to give time its place because quick and easy decisions are so immediately gratifying. However, when it comes to personal changes and emotions, time is your best friend. Over time, we can examine the issue and ensure we are handling these emotions productively, which is the key to success.
  6. Consider your options. When dealing with cognitive dissonance, you have three possible solutions: change your beliefs, change your action or change your perception of the action by rationalizing it.[11]
    • In the case of a breakup over which you feel sad, begin to think carefully about what led you to the breakup. Reflecting on the conflict can help resolve it; chances are that you'll realize that you did the right thing and that you're mourning the possibility of your relationship, not the actual person with whom you broke up who treated you so terribly.
    • In the case of smoking while knowing it's bad for your health, many smokers have developed all kinds of way to rationalize and justify their behavior to ward off those feelings of internal conflict. For example, some smokers might say it helps calm their stress, keeps them from overeating (another bad habit) or that they smoke "light" cigarettes which are "healthier." Of course, there are also some smokers who effectively change their actions and quit smoking![12]
    • Be your own therapist while evaluating your options. Ask yourself the tough questions in order to put the conflict at rest (i.e., what's the worst thing that could happen if I continue smoking? Would I really be happier if I hadn't broken up with him? Am I jealous of my friend or am I struggling with the fact that my own work situation isn't advancing?, etc.). You may be wrestling with the issue, but most likely you know the right questions to ask yourself. If you were your own closest friend, what questions would you pose to help yourself sort through your conflict?
  7. Talk to someone about your intrapersonal conflict. Intrapersonal conflicts can be quite difficult to handle if you already struggle with deciphering your thoughts, feelings, and needs. It can also cause uneasiness, restlessness, and even depression. Consider communication with someone, such as a friend or family member, in order to help assuage your anxiety.[9]
    • If you feel unable to resolve your internal conflict or your feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, or sadness begin to hinder your daily functioning, consider talking to a mental health professional who can work with you to develop effective internal conflict management strategies.

Tips

  • Always deal with a conflict. Conflicts fester and escalate when ignored.[4]
  • The most important part of conflict resolution is not what the conflict is, but how it is managed. In fact, the process of managing conflict can be more valuable than the ultimate outcome.[14]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.00 1.01 1.02 1.03 1.04 1.05 1.06 1.07 1.08 1.09 1.10 http://www.clarke.edu/page.aspx?id=3568
  2. ↑ Mending the Cracks in the Ivory Tower: Strategies for Conflict Management in Higher Education, Susan A. Holton.
  3. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
  5. ↑ https://hbr.org/2014/01/three-ways-leaders-can-listen-with-more-empathy
  6. ↑ The Practice of Facilitation: Managing Group Process and Solving Problems, Harry Webne-Behrman
  7. ↑ Mending the Cracks in the Ivory Tower: Strategies for Conflict Management in Higher Education, Susan A. Holton.
  8. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_conflict_resolution.htm
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 http://www.typesofconflict.org/
  10. ↑ Sverdlik, N., & Oreg, S. (2009). Personal values and conflicting motivational forces in the context of imposed change. Journal of Personality, 77, 1437–1466
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 http://web.mst.edu/~psyworld/cognitive_dissonance.htm
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/cognitive_dissonance.htm
  13. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/taking-responsibility-feelings_b_1109779.html
  14. ↑ http://www.foundationcoalition.org/publications/brochures/conflict.pdf
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