Avoid a Confrontation

If you feel as though a fight is brewing, do not panic. You can defuse a bad situation to prevent both verbal and physical confrontation. Try to calm yourself down so that you can handle the situation in a rational manner. You can also help the other person relax by deescalating the tension. You might even be able to talk your way out of a confrontation by using sympathetic, active communication techniques.

Steps

Calming Yourself Down

  1. Take a deep breath. If you feel agitated, instead of starting an argument, pause. Take a deep breath. Let your breath reach deep into your lungs before you exhale. If one breath doesn't work, try counting five breaths before you continue. This will help you relax before you try to resolve the conflict.[1]
    • Count your breath in your mind to help you focus on it. For example, you could think, "Breathe in and out. One...two...three...four...five..."
    • Don't be afraid to pause and breathe before talking to someone. For example, if someone is yelling at you, close your eyes and focus on your breath. This will help you relax and handle the situation.
  2. Leave the room. If you can, escape the room for a few minutes to help you think. You might say that you have to use the bathroom or that you want to get a drink of water. Once you leave the room, take a few minutes to calm down. You may find that you are able to collect your thoughts more clearly once you are alone. When you are ready, return to the other room.
    • For example, if you are being interrogated at a work conference, you can say, "You bring up a good point. Let's take a five minute break so I can think about it."
    • If you're in an argument with family members, excuse yourself to the bathroom. You can say, "Let's not argue about this. I'm going to the restroom, and when I come back, we can discuss this more if you want."
  3. Repeat soothing phrases to yourself. Short phrases or mantras can help you keep control over your emotions. You can say or think something like “Everything will be ok” or “I’ve got this."[2] If you are feeling targeted or insulted by another person, remind yourself that they are probably not trying to hurt you. You can think to yourself, “They don’t mean what they say. They’re angry and upset too. This is probably all a misunderstanding.”
    • If you're dealing with a stranger in a public place, think quietly to yourself. You can think, "Don't worry. Just breathe deeply. They're upset too."
    • If you are worried about confronting a boss or a teacher, you can say to yourself beforehand, "Just relax. It's just a meeting. You'll be fine."
    • You can also reassure yourself as you sit with the uncomfortable feelings you are having, such as by saying to yourself, "This is uncomfortable now, but in an hour is will all be over." Or, "I don't like feeling this way, but I know this will all blow over by the morning."
  4. Consider the value of having a discussion. A discussion involves listening and understanding, so this is preferable to going into the situation ready to argue. Instead, try to approach the confrontation as an opportunity to share your point of view and gain a better understanding of theirs. It might also help you to think about what you will get out of the discussion. Understanding the potential outcome of the discussion may help you solve the issue in a rational manner instead of an emotional one.[3] You can ask yourself:
    • “If we have this discussion, what might be the outcome? Is there any downside to having this discussion?”
    • “Will I risk ruining my relationship with this other person if we have this discussion?”
    • “Does it seem as though this discussion could escalate?”
    • "How can I ensure that the discussion remains civil? How can I reinforce boundaries such as not yelling or raising my voice, avoiding name calling, and not going around in circles?"

Reducing Tension

  1. Determine the cause of the problem. Perhaps you said something inappropriate or offensive. Maybe there was a miscommunication. If you can find out what went wrong, you may be able to identify a solution.
    • For example, if you are arguing with a stranger over a fender bender, ask them calmly what their version of events was. Explain afterwards what you thought happened.
    • If you are having an argument at work, see if there was a miscommunication that caused the tension. For example, make sure that a vital email was actually sent and received. Ask your boss or another coworker to mediate the situation.
    • With family members, ask them what you can do to make them feel better. For example, if you are arguing over a broken sink, ask, "Well, what can we do now to fix the problem? Do you want me to call someone or fix it myself?"
  2. Assume a friendly posture. Hold your arms open. Relax your shoulders so that they drop. Instead of leaning forward towards the other party, step back and straighten your posture. These changes in body language will help you appear less threatening to the other party.[4][5]
    • For example, if you think that you might get into a fight with a stranger in a bar, step back. Put some space between you and the other person. By relaxing your body, you are signalling that you are not threatening them.
    • Crossing your arms across your body, clenching your fists, or puffing your chest out can make you seem more aggressive.[6]
  3. Sympathize with the other person. If the other person is becoming upset or defensive, it might be that they are feeling as though you are attacking them. Even if you disagree with their point or their actions, you can say something sympathetic to soothe them.[6]
    • You can say, “I understand how you feel right now. I would be frustrated too if I thought someone had taken my seat. But I think that both of us need to consider the facts of the situation.”
    • You can also use sympathy to change the subject. You can say, "I know you're stressed out right about work right now. Why don't we watch something on TV for a little while until you feel better."
  4. Find a solution. The best way to resolve conflict is to find a mutually agreeable solution.[7] Even if you cannot find a solution, just by suggesting to work together, the other person may calm down. They might realize that you are not trying to attack them; rather, you are open to compromise.
    • You can say to the other party, “So what we can do to fix this problem?”
    • You can also say, “Is there any way we can move past this disagreement?”
    • If you have offended someone or hurt them in some way, you can say, "How can I make this up to you?"
  5. Walk away. There are times when you cannot convince the other person to settle the matter peacefully. In this case, you may just have to walk away. Let them know that you are not going to fight about the issue, and calmly turn away. You can return when they are feeling calmer to resolve the issue.
    • You can say, “I do not think that talking is getting us anywhere. I do not want to argue about this, so I am going to leave.”
    • If you think the other person is potentially violent, you may not want to turn your back on them. Instead, try taking a few steps backwards first. Say something such as, “I don’t want to fight or cause a scene. I’m sorry this happened, but I feel as though I should leave.” If they back off, you may leave. If they try to start a fight or threaten you, call the police.

Talking Your Way Out of the Situation

  1. Use a calm voice. Conflicts can escalate when both parties are yelling at each other. By speaking in a slow, cool voice, you can help the other person feel at ease. Even if the other person raises their voice, keep yours low and calm.[8]
    • Avoid telling the other person to “calm down.” This can make them feel angrier and more defensive.[6] Instead, ask them what can be done to help the situation. For example, you can say, “I understand that you’re upset about your broken window. Why don’t we discuss what can be done in a way that is fair to everyone.”
  2. Apologize. An apology can go a long way to solving tension. You might not feel as though you have done anything wrong, but you should consider how you might have offended the other person. A good apology will include what you did wrong as well as what you will do to make it up.
    • You can say, “I’m really sorry for insulting you. I did not realize that what I said was hurtful, and I understand now that it was a really stupid thing to do. I hope that you can forgive me.”
    • If someone is accusing you of something you did not do, don’t take the blame. You can deflect the accusation by sympathizing with the other person. For example, you can say, “I’m sorry that your lunch keeps disappearing from the office fridge, but I’m not the one who is taking it.”
  3. Practice active listening. Active listening is a form of communication where you repeat or paraphrase what the other person is saying to you. Ask the other person about their feelings or version of events. Listen without interrupting. Afterwards, rephrase what they said.[9]
    • For example, you can say, “I understand that you’re upset. You’re right. I spilled a drink on you, and now you’re worried that your dress is ruined.”
    • If the other person seems defensive, you can ask questions that will elicit the answer “yes” from them. This may help them feel less defensive. For example, you can say, “You are saying that you think this situation is unfair, is that right?”[6]
  4. Agree to disagree. Sometimes, a solution will not be found. In this case, you might just have to let go of the problem. If it will not affect your daily life, let the issue drop. You and the other person might just have to come to terms with the fact that no one will win the argument.[10]
    • You can say, “I understand your point of view, but I do not agree with it. I think we will just have to move on. I still respect you as a person, and I hope that this does not get in the way of our relationship.”


Tips

  • Sometimes a confrontation is unavoidable. You can still lessen the tension and avoid violence.
  • You might be partially to blame for the problem. By acknowledging where you went wrong, the other person might apologize as well.
  • Do not try to tell the other person what they are feeling. This will make them feel more upset.

Warnings

  • If you are worried that a stranger will become violent, do not go to a private place to settle the argument. Try to resolve it in public.
  • If you feel as though the other person might be violent, try to find a way to leave the situation. Call the police if you feel as though you might be in danger.
  • Avoid accusing the other person or calling them names.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/12/calming-your-brain-during-conflict
  2. ↑ http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx/
  3. ↑ http://www.managementstudyguide.com/preventing-conflict.htm
  4. ↑ http://pda.rnao.ca/content/preparing-meeting-potentially-violent-client-osach-2006
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/nonverbal-communication.htm
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 6.3 http://www.securitysolutionsmagazine.biz/2014/08/20/verbal-de-escalation-techniques-that-actually-work/
  7. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22059324
  8. ↑ http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/10-things/10-tips-and-tactics-for-dealing-with-conflict/
  9. ↑ https://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/resolution/step4.htm
  10. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
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